Here is the deal, I'm broken.

If I could explain what happened that landed me in the hospital, I would. It started out as a joke, I think. I woke up. I saw my roommate. Then my brain went nuts and I was no longer in control. I knew what was going on, kind of. I remember a lot of the episode. Some parts, completely gone.

I saw my roommate. I recognized my roommate. The proper thing to say was "hey, I'm not feeling to good."

Instead, my mouth said, "who the fuck are you? Get out of my house," and the games began and reality took a break.

He replied, "This is my house."

I started calling for my cousin Mike to come get his friend.

My roommate goes into his room.

I close my eyes, even though I am standing. I go to the bathroom. I use it. The tub is stained with bile from earlier. It looks gross.

I come out of bathroom. I realize that I wasn't where I thought I was suppose to be. I sit in the living room. I expect to see Felix. No one is there. Perhaps I am in the wrong place and I slide away from reality. I look for a phone. No phone in the house (I forgot cellphones existed.)

Things get more confusing. There's an electric bill. It has my name on it. Doesn't make sense.

I go out to look for my car. My car from 1993. I'm worried because it's not there and figure it was stolen because I left the keys in the ignition. I know my thinking is wrong, but I'm not the one piloting the ship.

Felix comes. I recognize him, but the person who thinks it's 1993 has no clue. He tells me I'm his girlfriend. I never heard anything so funny in my life. I laugh, but it's not me laughing, it's just my body. I ask for my Aunt Catherine (she died in 2007) I give my old address. I ask that Felix not call the cops on me.

I was there the whole time. Almost like I was watching some kind of first person shooter that someone else was playing. I don't think I was playing jokes with people, but I don't know what the hell happened. In those hours I forgot I was Katie, forgot I wrote books, forgot I owned a house, forgot I had a boyfriend, forgot I owned the van that was parked in front of the house (thank god). But at the same time, I knew. I knew the answers I was giving weren't correct. I just didn't have access to anything else.

Right now I am fatigued. My brain is numb. I feel stupid. I feel like I should have stopped what was going on but was unable to do so. I feel powerless. It would make for some great fiction, sucks for reality. Either I'm wound too tight, or I don't want this life I'm living. Perhaps it is a sign. Maybe I need to stop everything before I get hurt. I would, but I don't want to hurt Felix. He doesn't deserve this. But part of me thinks maybe Katie is an experiment and it's gone haywire and I need to pull the plug. I need to quit being a girl. I need to quit being a writer. I need to quit going facebook. I need to just quit.

Part of me wants to just say I'm who I am. A fat fuck with long hair a criminal record and a lousy job. Another part finds that sad. A third part says I shouldn't give up quite yet because I may be on the verge of a breakthrough. The first part says who the hell am I kidding, just get it over with.

So Goodbye. Sorry I wasted all your time.