I'm trying to learn love. I don't think I've ever felt before and I don't think anyone has ever given it to me . what? passed for love in my family was nothing more than manipulation. It is hard for me to comprehend that someone can show me love without expecting something in return. I apologize for all those who are bearing with me as I learn . Just so you know I'm trying my best.
Here is my concern. I am in a relationship like I have never been in before. First off, I've never been the girl. But, to be honest, I haven't had success in a relationship where I have been the guy. In college I dated a girl, got engaged after a few months and broke up soon after. I was at a strict Christian college so we didn't even hold hands (not even once). The other (yes, only 2) was purely sexual with a person I really couldn't stand. Outside of that, I had a few one night stands. So, now here I am with Felix. He treats me good, tells me he won't abandon me, and we talk through a lot of issues. He doesn't push me into anything sexual, which is good. The fact that he is f2m and I am m2f means we have some common ground. We are feeling our way around certain things but it has been good.
However. I really don't know what love is. Am I in love with Felix? Or am I in love with the idea of being in love? This concerns me because Felix is such a great guy. I think I'm in love with him, but I have nothing to base it on. I want to be with him. I miss him when he isn't in my presence. I like being vulnerable around him (poor guy has seen me cry at this stupidest stuff, the latest was sunday night when I played Somewhere Out There, I wanted it to be a romantic moment, tell him that he was my somewhere out there, but I wound up bawling like a baby). But how do I know if this is love? Is there a sign to look for? A test? I don't want to be hurt, but more importantly I don't want to hurt him. It often surprises me that he is in my life. It surprises me that I'm in a relationship with an f2m. I am so confused. Am I in love, or am I tired of being alone? I have dreams. Dreams I never thought I was allowed to even have. I picked out a wedding dress. I want him to propose. He calls me his partner, but I don't even know what that means.
Signed.
Confused in Tampa.
Comments
being in Love isn't.....
... a fixed definition of set feelings. You can't look up love in the dictionary and say, "Great, that's it!", or, "Nope, that's not quite it!"
For a start the English language limits the realities of 'love' word love by using the single word.
It can mean so many things.. the Greeks have several words for Love... family love, friendship love, sexual attraction, bonding love, parental love, etc...
Our media and porn industry has hijacked and degraded the word. Too often we confine love to something small and limited to one aspect of our lives.. it should encompass everything to do with who we are.
Love is not a finite and absolute thing.. it changes and develops as one changes and moves along life's path. The love I felt for my partner when we first met over 35 years ago is something completely different now. It's not better or worse, just very different.
It started with a desperate feeling that I wanted to be with that person. Then, it was a feeling of loss when I wasn't. It was an excitement as we discovered each other, the mental, emotional and physical. Over the years as we matured and changed, so our love matured. Understanding and patience was stretched by various circumstances, but the essential ingredient was the ability to communicate.. not just words and ideas, but feelings. By sharing how we felt, we avoided deep splits and terminal arguments. That bond has strengthened us in times of greatest stress.
At the root, you'll know.. there's a deep contentment and release of all that pent up need to belong... when you find the right one.
The main thing is that we are all different, so trust your feelings and let go of the definitions. The other thing is that we expect love to be something that we receive.... it is, in part, but mostly we receive love because we give.
Tanya
There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothes!
Issue of definitions
"Love" is one of those really fuzzy words, that has been twisted entirely out of easy recognition because of overuse ("I love this nail varnish!") and scammers ("I love you" to get into someone's pants). Kind of like "new and improved" except that's a phrase...
Best test - and I'm not saying it's a good test or an accurate test, I'm saying the best available test - is:
And that's as good as it gets.
Give it several years, and we'll have a better idea if what you thought you meant, was what you meant.
Also, it takes two; unlike electromagnetism, love on one side does not induce countercurrents of love on the other side. Just a reminder.
Please sit down with your partner and discuss what each of you mean, because one single word just will not do it.
Ellen, 22nd level Necromancer of Threads
I see you're already getting
I see you're already getting advice I'd pretty much agree with, but I'll add mine anyway. Love takes desire on your part, and work on both. I don't go in much for the love-at-first-sight, soul-mate stuff (don't get me wrong, I love that stuff in stories, just don't go in for it much in real life ;) There are a lot of bases for love - sexual attraction is common enough, friendship is good. For me, a good sense of humor is both necessary and sufficient. Whatever works for you.
But from there, it just takes work. Stick together, help him through whatever troubles he has, accept help from him when you have troubles (harder than it sounds), and get to know him better. Say you love him, to yourself, to him, and to others - it sounds trivial, but we're social creatures, the things we tell others, we make true. Love grows over time, and eventually it'll just be hard to imagine life without him. I guess that's it, in the end.
Best of luck to you,
Titania
Titania
Lord, what fools these mortals be!
I'm just going to add...
Love lets you feel, it frees up stuff inside that you've held down or kept in for too long and here's the kicker. When you're partner smiles at you through that...through the tears and the stunned stuff we do and even if we get mad and they still smiles and hold us and tell us they love us.
Well that's a pretty good indication that it's real. And when the treat you like that in those times and as bad as it is you feel them making something shine inside...yes it's real.
And if you feel all of that back...that you want all their bad stuff too because it's Their bad stuff and even that's precious then you know.
*Great Big Hugs*
Bailey.
Bailey Summers
WOW! You need to sit down
with him and have a heart to heart talk about everything between youI hope that you have found you life partner.
May Your Light Forever Shine
hon, you love him, and he loves you
enjoy it!
Is it love?
The audience says "Yes!" :)
As others have said, love isn't like a vocational qualification where you read a bunch of statements, tick of the ones that apply, and declare yourself either In Love or Not Yet In Love. It's also not like a purity test, where you follow the same process but declare yourself 83% In Love.
Similarly, even amongst people who were brought up in loving households, the feelings and emotions that are interpreted as "love" are completely different between a child and its parents, a child and its sibling, a child and its pet. Therefore, there isn't even a baseline you can compare it to.
You feel a connection with Felix. You like him a lot. You can empathise with him (as he's going through a similar gender journey to you but in reverse). You brighten up when he's around and miss him when he's gone. While you've almost certainly had worse experiences than him in your life, I'd imagine that with your relationship both of you are feeling around in the proverbial dark, not quite sure of where you are, where the other is, and where you're both going. Try and refrain from over-analysing the situation, just take things as they come. You'll (probably) do fine.
As the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then only left-handers are in their right mind!
There is no acid test or answer
to your question. All of the commenters have given you good advice though. My thoughts always center around this: Do you care more about him than you do about yourself?
Would you get out of a warm comfortable bed to go get something he needs but can't get for whatever reasons?
Are you willing to sacrifice something you need or want, to get something you know he wants or needs?
Don't mistake co-dependency for love though. I've made that mistake more than once.
Love is next to impossible to define. All I know is that when you're in it, something inside you will tell you. Following one's heart can get one hurt, but it can also lead one into the real deal.
One other thing. You've been without any love for a long time. It's easy to mistake feelings that might SEEM like love, but are actually just you experiencing something else. Sit down and TALK with him. Find out where HE is in all of this.
In the end, love is a crapshoot. Do your best to be the best YOU that you can be. Once you can love yourself, you can love someone else.
I wish you all the very best in this and I hope and pray that what you think you feel is the real thing.
hugs and lots of hope,
Catherine Linda Michel
As a T-woman, I do have a Y chromosome... it's just in cursive, pink script.