The next day I don't get out of bed. I lie there looking at the ceiling. The only thing I can do is avoid thinking of the mistakes I've made in my life.

"That's it," I say talking to myself, "No more wallowing in self pity."

I get up and get some loose clothing on. It will be easier to get out of where I'm going. I grab my ring off the table on my way out the door and slip it into my purse.

I walk into Sandy's shop. "I think we need to take my dress in," I say with a little smile.

"Damn, Liadan, you look good."

"But I'm so much thinner than when you measured me before."

"Crap, you're right," he says with a smile. He hands me the dress and I strip down and change into it. It's falling off me, of course, but Sandy just clucks his tongue and begins making marks and pinning darts. It takes five or ten minutes but when he's done I catch a look of myself in the mirrors and it takes my breath away.

"Is that me?" I say in a little bit of awe. A few tears leak forth as I smile.

The dress has gone from something I'd never like to something that fits me better than any dress I'd tried on. "This dress is amazing. How did you make it for me without ever having seen me?"

"The same way I make most of my dresses; I saw it in a dream."

I laugh, "You're kidding, right?"

"Nope, I dream about crinolines and lace. Do you think any less of me?"

"I couldn't think any less of you, Sandy."

"Well, thank you so much…I can't even think of a good name for you."

"So, I'm not even worth an insult? Thank you sooo much."

He just laughed and I giggled like a little girl. He undid the zipper and let me out of the dress so he could get to work on the alterations. He had to have it ready for tomorrow after all. "Sorry about coming in so last minute. It's been a crazy week," I said as I was getting dressed in the clothes I'd come in wearing.

"Someday you'll have to tell me about it. Did you hear I'm going to be Angela's date for the wedding?"

"Really?"

"Your cousin wanted me to be there just in case she needed any alterations to her dress and Angela and I thought that if she was there as my 'assistant'…"

"You just wanted to see her there in a pretty dress."

"No, I want to help her out of a pretty dress, but seeing her in one is enough of a start."

"You're a bad man, Sandy."

"I just love that I can still treat you like one of my guy friends, even though you're now one of my girl friends."

"Um…"

"You haven't changed all that much. A little packaging, really, but you're still you. Don't ever change, Okay?"

"No, I won't change, and I'm not going to hug you even though that statement really makes me want to."

He takes me into his arms and gives me a friendly squeeze. "I'll accept that change. You're as huggable as you look."

I laugh and head into the bathroom to repair any damage to my makeup.

"See you tomorrow, then?"

"I should be done with this in a couple of hours, actually. I want to get a final fitting in tonight just in case there are any problems. I'll still have time to get it altered. I want you to be able to wear this dress whenever the mood hits you."

"Why?"

"Because it's the most beautiful dress I've ever created, at least when you wear it. I sort of feel sorry for your cousin."

"Why's that?"

"Because you might just outshine the bride."

I blush as I leave the store. I take a swatch of cloth with me to the makeup counter in a nearby store. I want some colors that will look good with it. I'm still wearing my metallic blue nail polish, and it calms me every time I see it.

Cosmetics in hand, I take a moment to reapply my personal color before heading in to work. The time I spent with Sandy has centered me. He was always a good friend in school, and it looks like nothing has changed. I wonder at his self control with all those beautiful women around him every day. He is definitely one of a kind.

I walk into the company and wave at Casey as I walk past. Steve isn't in his office so I head to mine and get to work. I code and test for a couple of hours before I just run out of patience.

I head out front to where Casey is still sitting. "Do you know where Steve is?"

"He's working from home today."

I'm sure I look disappointed, because she looked at me with pity in her eyes. "Is everything alright?"

"We had a fight, and I'd hoped to try to patch it up here. Un fortunately I'm not having any luck focusing on work right now."

"Then go to him."

"I can't do that. I'm a grown woman, not some lovesick teenager."

"All the more reason to go to him. Show him you're an adult about the whole thing."

"That's part of the problem, I think."

"He does care about you. I was sure he was gay, the way he doted on you before."

I smile sadly, "Apparently he saw through my façade easier than some other people."

"Nah. I just saw how feminine you were and assumed. Who knew that you really were the woman in that relationship?"

I stick my tongue out at her and head for the door. "Come on, go to him," She calls as I'm leaving.

I drive my little Neon to the dealership instead. I wait around while they replace the window that Angela broke out. I know I'm stalling, but what can I do. I really don't feel as though I did anything wrong, but the way that Steve is acting, could I be the wrong one here?

I make a phone call as I go out to my newly repaired car, "Dr. Waters…could I speak with you about something?"

"Go right ahead, Liadan."

"I had an orgasm when Steven touched me"

"How do you feel about that?"

"Wonderful, or I did until he left me."

"Tell me a bit more about the circumstances."

"Well, I sorta promised him we wouldn't have sex. Then, when I was a bit goofy afterwards I let him know what happened. I didn't plan to be so…I have no idea how to describe what his touch does to me."

"Are you afraid this is a side effect of the nannites?"

"Of course I am. Could it be? Could they have made me some sort of sex-crazed maniac?"

"Are you sleeping with strangers?"

"No. I didn't even sleep with Steve. He just touched my side, rubbing these small circles." My breath became short just thinking about last night. I can feel it building, and then I sigh and my body tenses again as a rush of pleasure goes through me again.

"Oh, god," I say almost in tears. "I just did it again. I'm so embarrassed."

"You just…oh. That's…embarrassing."

"Sorry, I'll go."

"No, Liadan. Maybe you and I should talk about this more, in person."

I nod mutely.

"So I can get the readouts from your 'minder."

"Oh," I say relieved.

I drive over to Dr. Waters' house and park my car. I grab my purse and head up to the door. It's only a moment or so that I hesitate, but then I knock, waiting for someone to answer. Dr. Waters opens the door and smiles at me. "Come on in, Liadan."

My answering smile is happy, if still a bit worried. My emotions are all over the map. I follow her into her office and have a seat. She hooks up the pad behind my ear so that she can get real time data. Sure, I enjoyed the last two times this happened, while they were happening, but that doesn't mean it doesn't scare me half to death now that I'm clear headed and can think about it.

"So, what happened after?"

I sit back, relaxing, not wanting to think about after, but knowing I had to tell her. "I think I accused him of rape, when what I did could almost be considered rape…couldn't it?"

"Did you intend to have an orgasm with him on the couch?"

"Well, not really, but when I started…climaxing…I didn't stop him from touching me."

"Did it feel good?"

"Oh yes. Completely. His touch took me where I wanted to be, and it was him with me, and I wanted to share that with him. I wanted to give him some of that pleasure back."

"I think this took both of you by surprise. I think that Steve is afraid of what sex with you outside of marriage will mean to your long term relationship."

"But…if I don't care…"

"Can you truly say you would respect him if he came in here and had sex with you, right now, on that couch?"

I think about it, and realize she is right. If he'd stayed, I would have hated him for it. When all the hormones and chemicals my body had been flooded with had passed, I would have been pissed at him for not respecting me enough to leave…and when he left I'd accused him of…

"What's wrong with me?"

"You're a beautiful mess, Liadan, but I think that Steve just wants to see the beautiful in you. Are you still engaged?"

"I think so. I threw the ring at him, but he just picked it up and put it on the table for me."

"Ok, it looks like the system is responding to your 'minder. I want you to think back on his touch again."

The response is almost immediate. I can feel the pressure building inside me, seeking for release…only this time it keeps building. My breathing becomes shallow. My thoughts shatter into little pieces, only to have the pieces shatter even smaller. "Steve…" I call out as it builds even more. I flush. Finally, when I can take it no more I peak and all of my muscles contract and I'm shuddering and sobbing because it's so beautiful and at the same time so very ugly and I'm exposed and dirty and alone.

Dr. Waters just holds me as I break into little pieces again, only not the good kind.

"I think your 'minder is broken."

"But…it still tells me the time, and I can still interface with my computer and…"

"And it keeps looping you into certain emotional states. I'm surprised I didn’t notice this before. It's causing a feedback loop. To a certain degree it's been making you a bit bipolar."

"What can we do about it?"

Dr. Waters gets up and walks over to her desk. She checks a couple of things on her computer while I wait patiently for a response. "Ok, it looks like we can have you in surgery on Monday."

"Surgery?"

"Well, it's the only way we can fix the problem with your 'minder. It shouldn't take more than a couple of hours, but you'll want someone there to drive you home."

I nod, unsure of what to feel about it.

"Liadan, it's not the end of the world. You're a strong woman. You'll get through this."

"How much of what I've decided recently is the 'minder and how much is me?"

"Is that what you're worried about?"

"What if I don't really feel what I think I do? What if I'm not really this," I say grabbing painfully onto my breasts.

"I don't think I have to worry about that."

"Why not?"

"Because I've spoken to Angela."

"What does that…"

"You've wanted to be a girl for a long time, longer than you've had a minder. You stepped in front of a bus, remember?"

How could I forget? In certain aspects I'd died that day. In one certain regard I'd only come alive that day as well. When I was lying in bed recovering from the implant of the 'minder, I'd decided that I was done hiding from who I was, that I truly needed to live my life.

Sure, I'd gone back on that deal, but at least I'd started down the path that lead me here, led me to being a woman.

"Help me?"

"I'll always help you. Now, let's discuss how you deal with Steve."

"I don't want to 'deal' with Steve. I want him to make love to me until I'm a pile of jell-o and then do it again…" I blush as I realize that I just said that aloud.

"I've told you before; it's perfectly healthy to have a libido."

"He wants to wait. I'm ruined, but he wants to wait for our marriage bed."

"Liadan…you're a virgin."

"How can that be? With all that boy put me through? I'm sullied. I'm debased."

"You've never willingly been with a man, Liadan. And I was referring to physically. Your body is pristine. You were given a second lease on life."

"My…wha…huh?"

"That was very elegantly said. You may have noticed all your scars are gone? All of them, including those left by…him."

I absently touch my behind, knowing the blood that he'd caused to flow.

"How…" I pause unable to continue. I'm crying, but I don't know if it is from joy or pain. I do know these tears are cleansing and I'm feeling better in my soul the longer they flow.

"Do I know or how did it happen?"

I just nod as I'm unable to form coherent thoughts enough to make words escape my mouth.

"Well, as to the first, my title of 'doctor' isn't just honorary. I read your charts while we were in the hospital. You had your first gynecological exam while you were unconscious on Tuesday. Count your blessings, girly. As for the other, I let the doctor know some of what had happened to you in the past so that he would check the other area."

"He? My gynecologist is a male?"

"No, the one that the hospital assigned is male. You get to pick your own."

"Oh," I said and blushed. The idea of some strange male looking at me down there made me blush harder. I shuddered.

"I just don't understand how girls can stand some strange guy poking them down there."

"I personally prefer a male. It's so weird to me considering a woman doing it. I mean, the male anatomy is designed to penetrate, so…"

"We are so not having this conversation right now."

She just laughs at me and I blush again.

"There is a reason that there are both male and female ObGyn's out there. Some women prefer another woman to be ministering to them in a totally clinical non sexual way, and some prefer a man."

I sit there thinking for a while. There's so much to consider. I'm in the middle of my ruminations when something really strikes me.

"I'm a virgin." I say it with a certain amount of fear. My first time was really painful. I thought that I'd never have a first time again. The room went grey and my ears began ringing. I'd almost gone to bed with Steve, and there would have been that pain again. I never wanted that pain again.

"Deep breaths, Liadan." I hear coming from a long way away. It's Dr. Waters.

"I'm a virgin." I saw again.

"Yes, I realize that."

"No, I can't go through that again. That pain. I can't…"

"Liadan, this isn't the same."

"But…"

"Yes, being raped hurts, especially when you're a virgin. When he loves you, and takes his time and makes sure your body is ready, you won't care about a little pain, and it isn't as much as the pleasure you two will be feeling."

"But…I'm scared."

"So was I with Mr. Waters."

"You're married?"

"I was, a long time ago it feels sometimes."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. I still love him, even if he's no longer with me. He made that experience wonderful for me. I'm sure Steve will do the same for you."

"I just realized. I have no idea what it will be like. I don't know how it will feel. That other part of me, that part that he took, I never have to offer to Steve. I leave it in my past as if it happened to another person."

"In a certain light, yes, you're right."

"Then, I'll just stay in the light."

She laughs a bit when I say this. I smile at her, just happy to be through this crisis of my own creation. No, not my creation. I wouldn't accept the parts that were given to me. I would take responsibility for my own actions only.

"Thank you, Dr. Waters."

"See you on Monday, Liadan."

I get in my car and smile down at my nail. They're blue. I love blue. I think that blue might be my favorite color. Screw stereotypes. I am a girl and I love the color blue.

I drive home in a happy mood. I look at the time and head out immediately again. It's a quick stop at Sandy's store. The alterations are perfect. I head home so I can get ready for my evening. I throw on a dress, get made up, and do my hair. Looking at my wardrobe, I realize that I have a lot of dark colors in there. I do have a number of blue dresses as well. I fine a not so dark blue dress and slip it on. With the sparkles in it, it looks a lot like my nails and car.

I have a matching pair of shoes that I slip onto my stocking covered feet.

I go with a black clutch as I don't have a matching purse. Some silver spiral drop earrings complete my look and I sprits some perfume and walk out the door.

The drive to the church is over quickly and I park and make my way inside.

"Who are you?" my cousin Fiona says. She's the matron of honor.

"Liadan, you made it," Kate says, coming over and giving me a hug.

"Who?"

"This is my new sister."

"Cray..?"

"My name is Liadan," I say glaring at my younger cousin.

"This is a joke, right?" she says looking nervous.

"At some point, if it will make you feel better, we can all get naked and show off how female we all are. Until then, we have a rehearsal to do."

She just looks at me a little shocked. My youngest cousin walks over and hugs me, "Thank you, Cray. This means the world to me. I heard what you sacrificed for this."

"Heard? From my dad? Well, my name is Liadan, Amy, and this is the best thing to ever happen to me." I'm smiling like there's no tomorrow.

"Liadan? You really are happy, aren't you?"

I just nod and smile.

"Fiona, be nice to Liadan. Liadan, love the dress."

"Thank you," I say with a smile.

We go and stand where we fit height wise. They want us to look pretty, and to have everything organized. Once we are set up height wise, with me on the far end of course, we go out and do the processional and the recessional.

Then we had to do the processional and recessional again, this time with me in stocking feet, because I was taller than Jim. Jim was the cousin that I was opposite in the lineup. In stocking feet he was a few inches taller. I shouldn't have worn the shoes. Sure, they matched my outfit, but they had a six inch heel.

For some girls, that would have put them on tip toe, but in a women's size 11 shoe it isn't that bad. A size 11 shoe means that in essence I have an 10 and a half inch foot. That meant I lost two inches in foot length. I would have been happier in a smaller size, but you live with what you have.

Regardless, I liked the heels as it made me the same height as I used to be as a guy. I was the tallest male cousin before, now I was the tallest female cousin…and taller than some of my male cousins.

"Sorry, Jim," I say as we're doing it again.

"Those are some of the sexiest heels I've ever seen. It makes me wish you weren't my cousin." I blush as he takes my arm and escorts me up to the front. "Need I remind you that you're married?"

"I knew there was another reason I couldn't make a play for you."

I playfully swat his arm and then walk to my place at the end of the line. Fiona and Ryan are the last ones to come up to the front. We wait for a moment or two and the Amy is being escorted down the aisle by her father. Even if she's in everyday clothing, I think she makes a beautiful bride.

The pastor, Julian Aires, says a few words about what we can expect from the ceremony. It's old hat to me. I've been through this same speech, or at least a similar one, fourteen times before. Then we're doing the recessional again and finally going back out to the cars. Jim appears at my side and gives me an arm to steady myself while I put my shoes back on.

"Jim?" Lois says as she approaches us.

":Hey, Lois. You're husband was just helping me get my shoes back on. I guess I'm wearing flats tomorrow."

"Lucky…do I know you?"

"I'm Kate's sister, Liadan," I say with special emphasis.

"You're…oh…you look good, Liadan."

"Thank you," I say with a little smile.

"See you at the dinner, Liadan," Jim says, taking his wife's arm.

I watch them go off and I feel a little sad. It's a sort of wistful sadness, knowing that is what I want; someone who will love me for me, flaws and all. Jim and Lois have been married for eleven years.

We're eating at a local steak house, and I drive over there quickly, but not too far over the speed limit. I'm the middle over all and the woman at the front desk escorts me back to the room that they've hired out for the evening.

"What's that doing here?" I hear a voice behind me say.

"I love you too, Jeff.""

"Jeff, you're only here because you're family. Liadan is in the bridal party. If you want to stay, you will be civil," Amy says to him.

"But?"

"Yes, you are a butt."

He gets an angry look on his face and glares at me.

"Amy, thanks for the assist, but I can handle my own little brother." I sashay over to him and put my finger under his chin.

"Jeff? I'm going to say this once, pay attention; Through no fault of my own, I am now a girl. It's permanent. As a girl I am entitled to wear dresses, date boys, and even get married, to a boy. I'm capable of having children, with a boy. So, I'll not be responding to comments like 'thing' 'it' or 'freak' bandied in my direction. Do I make myself clear?"

He just nods at me and goes and finds a seat.

"That was awesome," Kate says coming up to stand next to me. I give her a hug.

"I've been wanting to put him in his place for years," Amy says.

"You're okay, Liadan," Fiona says.

Fiona's statement is as good as I could accept from her. She is my dad's sister's kid so she has the same types of bigoted ideas as many in my family do. My mom's family is a lot more open minded. I walk arm in arm with Amy and Kate over to the girl's side of the table.

I don't know how it works for anyone else out there, but my family tended to segregate the girls and the boys at the rehearsal dinner. The bride and groom get the opportunity to sit at opposite ends of the table. It's as close to a Shivaree as we get in our family. Yeah, I know, it's a really old tradition, but we are a, mostly, traditional family.

The night before, starting at the rehearsal, we keep the bride and groom apart until the ceremony itself. One of my cousins had their ceremony at six in the evening. That was almost fun keeping them apart, especially since they played along and did their best to get together.

So, I sit at the table through the toasts and the friendship and the gifts.

"We got all of the bridesmaids a pair of earrings…if any of you…"

"Paul, shut up before you say something stupid," I say with a smile.

"Yeah, sweetie, I'm sure Liadan will love the earrings, even though they were originally meant for Jenny."

I open the small box and smile. They are a pair of hearts in Amy's colors. They're obviously meant to go with the pixie dress tomorrow, so I'm happy to wear them. Seeing my dad's look I quickly remove my current earrings and put the new ones in.

Kate sees what I'm doing, and who I'm looking at, and joins in with me. Soon, one by one, each of the bridesmaids put in the new earrings and looks over at my father where he is sitting. He just throws his hands up in exasperation and walks out.

I smile at my mom who gives me a little grin.

"Sorry about my husband," my mom says, "he's still getting used to the idea of having two daughters."

"That's fine, Miranda," her father says, "He'll just have to suck it up. I was worried that Amy would be the last of my granddaughters to get married. I'd always hoped that one of them would choose for me to give them away. If he's going to be an ass about it, then I'll get the opportunity to give Liadan away at her wedding."

I smile at my grandpa. Apparently his wife told him everything before she died, something I should have realized before this. He smiles back at me and gives me a little wink.

"I'm sorry if my drama took away from Amy's time, but it is her time. So, can we get back to it?"

"Thank you, Liadan…that name is such a mouthful. Don't you have a nickname yet?"

"Angela calls her Li, but she complains that it's a boy's name."

"Well…I say almost absently. It is spelled Leah — Dan…so I would be fine with Leah."

Jim pipes up from his end of the table, "great. I was wondering how long I'd be able to handle saying the whole thing, Leah."

The night gets back to normal after that with the exception of everyone now calling me Leah. They give out more gifts to the family, then the groomsmen give a gift to Amy to be opened on her wedding night.

Having been on that side of the table, I snicker a little, joined quickly by my married female cousins. We all know what's in the box. Amy looks clueless, as did all of my other female cousins on the night before their wedding. From the knowing glances of the other women, I can tell they enjoyed their gift. Sure, the guys meant it as a prank, but from the other side of the fence I realize that women…well…I don't need to go any further in that direction.

My aunts, including my mother's sister, give me hugs on the way out the door. I seem to be getting as much attention as Amy, something I'm embarrassed about.

"I'm sorry that I seem to have upstaged your night a little bit."

"Don't worry about it, Leah. My night is tomorrow. Coming here in that dress just allowed everyone to get to know you, and your peculiar sense of style."

"What's wrong with my sense of style."

"Nothing…if you like the color blue."

"I love the color blue. In fact, I've just decided that my bridesmaid dresses are all going to be blue. Blue is going to be one of my wedding colors. You know it represents loyalty, don't you."

"When are you getting married?"

I look into my purse and pull out my ring. "Whenever I can apologize to my fiancée," I say with a small smile.

"Put it on," I hear Kate say from behind me, "him seeing the ring on you will go a long way to apologizing."

"Especially since I threw it at him the last time I saw him," I say sadly.

"Why did you do that?" Fiona says coming up to us,

"Because I have hang-ups and issues," I look around at the women around me. They're my family, and for the first time I realize that every one of them accepts me as I am. If I'd known it could be like this I would have joined their ranks long ago.

"Can we go somewhere else to talk about this? I feel kind of uncomfortable talking about it here."

"Sure, and I nominate your apartment, Leah. You have your jammies, girls?" Fiona says.

"Jammies?" I'm confused as to what sleepwear has to do with anything.

"We always have a sleepover the night before the wedding. That's part of the reason Janie had a six pm ceremony."

"Guilty," Janie says.

We all laugh and link arms to go out to our cars. We convoy it over to my apartment and they begin to gather their supplies and move in after me. I see an impressive array of sleeping bags and blankets come in with them.

I sit on my couch waiting for the rest to come in and I see the surprise on their faces. This is the first time really any of them have seen my apartment. Kate's the only exception.

I see it new in their eyes. It is a masculine apartment, but there is a definite feminine touch to it. It have beautiful drapes and curtains on the windows. I have a multitude of throw pillows on the couch. The smell I always associated with Kate's and Angela's apartment in college has begun to permeate my house. It's that mixture of makeup, talcum powder, and hair products that seem to scream female more than any simple decoration. I have black and white photos on the walls of trees and mountains.

"Did you decorate this?" Janie says a little awed.

"Yes. I needed a space I could feel comfortable…although the couch has got to go. I've had my eye on another one for ages."

"Let me guess," Amy says as she picks up a number of my throw pillows. They don't really match my leather couch, but they perfectly match the sofa I've always wanted to have here.

I nod with a smile.

We all get ready for bed. I slip into some silk pajamas and my kimono.

"So, now that we're at your home, dish. Tell us what's going on."

I look at the concerned faces all around me and can't help it. I break down in tears and begin my story.

"When I was a teenager, I was raped."