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I feel very unworthy, very unloved, and very ugly today. Perhaps I need to realize that I will never gain acceptance and at best can only hope to be tolerated. Maybe I should give up on the goal of being honest with the world and with myself since it has been brought to my attention that I will never pass. The 1 thing that I don't want to be is seen as a joke or carnival sideshow.
Last night my roommate informs me that no matter how much hormones I take, how much electrolysis I go through or how much I spend on I wardrobe, I will always look like a dude and everyone can tell. It wasn't the first time he had expressed such a sentiment and I doubt it will be the last. I feel very deflated, primarily because he is probably right. I will have a pity party for a little while, go to sleep, pray for death and wake up in time to go to work and continue this miserable existence. Perhaps tomorrow will be better.
Comments
Haven't met you and don't know what your exact problems are
But what are you doing to address them? What are your priorities in addressing them if any?
Can't deal with problems without a plan of action.
A lot of us here have spent many a year struggling to get voice right. Needing hair replacement. Electrolyis (2+ years of needle in my case) Getting weight under control (I do not have that issue fortunately but SRS surgeons have issues with working on obese girls as it makes it a lot more difficult for them) Weight is not in itself a barrier to being feminine of course.
A lot of it costs money of course but that part was obtained by either getting an education/good job or a business or something.
Change can miraculously happen overnight but for most of us is more due to systematic preparation to make that change happen.
Or is your roommate just being overly critical and mean?
Fair or not it is a T-girl's burden to handle all this. I started out in 1986 doing all this and TS support was still only in relative infancy but getting a bit better. I grant you I had some advantages in passing but back then it is definitely worst to not pass imho not that it is great now. However, back then there was not even close to having legal protections of any kind and getting a mainstream job without blending in is imho *bleah*
Nowadays we at least have a fighting chance.
Kim
The question I ask
Is why does it matter what a random stranger thinks of you? All that matters is what your friends think of you. And you can choose your friends. Our friends are those hat don't or won't hurt you.
Besides I have discovered recently that if you don't care about what strangers think you can actually make sincere friends, people who admire you out of your most hostile strangers. I can explain more about that if we can get into a chat sometime.
Love you Katie, make sure you love yourself too.
I dont know your roommate's motives
it seems like an unnecessarily hurtful statement, so I would wonder why he says it. But regardless, I humbly disagree, having seen your pics on facebook, you pass quite nicely, and I love the radiant smile you have in the pics. I'm proud of how you have come out, and happy you found a boyfriend in Felix. Hugs.
You looked pretty nice
Dear Katie
If I remember correctly and not confusing you with another of the ladies/woman/girls here, you posted a picture of your self a few weeks/months ago. And if I further remember correctly, you looked quite good. In fact again if I remember correctly, several folks including me, left compliments. You passed very well. Yes, you are/were a large woman, but so are many others.
I do not want to be cruel, but after reading your blogs for several years now, and listening to your stories, I think your biggest problem, is that the folks, you show kindnesses to and perhaps take pity on and allow into your home, are not worth the attention you have given them. Is this roommate the person who called you out of the blue and moved in with his fiancee? If so, he is not the friend you thought him to be. Give him two weeks notice and kick him out.
Look for better friends. Choose people who pull their own weight.
Rami
RAMI
I'm about to give you advice...
That I really need to get better at following myself. Doesn't make it any less true just because I too have difficulty with it...
Don't listen to him and people like him.
You are a beautiful, if large, woman. You already pass remarkably well and things can only get better.
Abigail Drew.
Passing
Katie, based on the photo's you showed us earlier, you look prettier than many GG's do with a weight problem. If I were walking down the street I would not think that you were a man in a dress but the woman that you are.
Katie, I have seen
your pic, and you make a cute girl. Have you thought that he might be denying that he likes you?
May Your Light Forever Shine
I see a woman.
I Look at your recent pictures and I see a woman.
A very large woman but there is nothing wrong with that,
And not a young woman but a mature woman.
I think your roommate is seeing through the lenses of preconception. Those who already know you and know about you will fall in to different categories depending on both their acceptance and preconception. I very much doubt any strangers will even think once(let alone twice) about your being a man not a woman. Some however may unfortunately hold your weight against you as they would any GG, but that is their problem not yours. I actually think that is a more likely reaction then people thinking you are a man, in either case they are wrong. You are an attractive large older woman don't let anyone tell you different.
-
Two Other sort of related Issues( Me vs You ) :
About a year and a half ago I looked an awful like your before picture that you use to have up here.
I had a bit of a crisis(dizziness Palpitations) and ended up in the hospital for an extended weekend plus, High BP, cholesterol, diabetes & other related issues, I was on my way to a heart attack or a stroke. I have since lost a lot of weight and feel a lot better. Don't go down that path to failing health, you are to valuable a person to let that happen.
About passing as a woman. now that is something I have not tried to do, but was considering the possibility of. Looking at your pictures both before and after, and then looking at my face in the mirror, I wonder if I could pass as well as you do, if I should to try that is. I tend to look either scruffy or razor burned. I had actually considered contacting you and asking for some advice on facial matters, but had decided not to bother you.
However I have decide in light of your current post that both these thoughts on me might be of some help to you. 1) You pass well enough that I was considering asking you for some advice. 2) Loose some weight (like I did) so you don't loose your health, and therefore will be around longer to enjoy your new life as a woman.
*Virtual Hugs*
~Hypatia >i< ..:::
PS. I love your writing.
Listen Carefully
What you are is in your heart. Your roommate may be right. But he only sees the outside. I've known women who were stone cold dykes; who wish they passed as men, or even lipstick lesbian.
better. Those of us on the end of the size charts have to be aware that what we wear becomes critical. How we speak, how we behave in the world. We have so many shapes that no one is excluded. Last week my pshrink brought up a Twoman, finished with transition, is 6 foot 5 inches and Loves wearing 5 inch heels. Don't let your roomate give you a hard time. I'll be there soon enough.
Beth