Our three protaonists: Tiffany Cash, a seventeen-year old male; Joel Tanner; an eighteen-year old male; and Grace Bennett, a seventeen-year old female from Las Vegas Beach, Nevada.
Story set in the years 2029 and 2030 modern time.

wag1
 ©2012 by Caroline Joy Clark
All rights reserved
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Intro
November 2029
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My pal Joel intramodes me. He's won exclusive tickets the 2030 San Diego Comic Con Paris Edition but I already know that. I'm absorbing Zombie and nearly pissing my pants.

He's lucked out. Won three exclusive four-day passes from our favorite quadrestrial radio show. The passes include teleporter privileges to and from Paris, the use of actual Hollywood costumes worn by top-billed actors and accommodations for three the whole week.

Since I've been Joel Tanner's best friend since pre-K, so naturally he's chosen me, along with our good friend Grace to trip with him. We make a good trio and get along famously.

“Dude,” he says sounding a bit like a goony pre-mod boob-tube show actor from way long ago, “This is gonna be bitchen, dude.”

“Sure is,” I say sounding like I'm living in 2026 and not channeling some delusional dweeb. “I was absorbing the show when you were on. Good going, Joel.”

“Already got the tickets,” he says, “They intragrammed them to me along with a catalog of rules and regulations set up by THE JOKESTER ZOMBIE SHOW. Don't think you're gonna like it dude. You can still go... you're my best bud and all... but I don't think you're gonna like the part stipulating to you, my man.”

“Can't be that bad, Joel,” I say. “Can it?”

“If you don't mind donning drag, dude,” he says. “You gotta be a chick. Dude, you could be an Emily...”

“Really?” I say, stunned. “You think I can be an Emily?”

“Really, dude. You can.” He's not joking. “You could be, at least, a fine-looking chick of not quite so Emilian standards. Why not try pretending to be one from your bones out.”

“No way out of it?” I ask.

“None,” he says. “Contract says I'm to be accompanied by two chicks, preferably Emilys, or it's kaput. No ifs, no ands, no maybes. THE JOKESTER ZOMBIE SHOW's gonna be with us taping our every move.”

“Really?” I say.

“Affirmative, dude,” he says. “You really do.”

“Who ya gonna take with ya then,” I ask dejectedly, “cause I ain't no Emily.”

“Yo, dude,” he says. “You're my best bud. You gotta go. You could pretend for a week.”

“It'd be too weird,” I say.

“Not like you ain't done something like this before, dude,” he says.

“But that was way different,” I say.

“Just think of Paris as extended Halloween,” he says, “dude.”

“I don't know, Joel...”

“I don't like saying this dude,” he says, “cause I'm a dude, but you were drop-dead gorgeous this very Halloween.”
“Joel,” I say weirdly, “drop-dead gorgeous, me?”

“Ya,” he says, “like me and every other dude had a boner looking at ya.”

“Boners?” I am dumbfounded.

“If I ain't known you was my bro, dude” he says, “I'd have tried to bone you that night for sure.”

“Yuck,” I say. “Get your hose monster back in your trousers, dude. You're wearing trousers, ain't ya?”

“Dude, I am but you should see my weasel...”

“Joel,” I say, “stop it. That's disgusting. Giving you a boner ain't my definition of a good time.”

“Only saying, dude,” he says, “is ya should see it.”

“Quit growing gay,” I say.

“Not me, dude,” he says. “now if yas was Grace, watch out.”

“Better not let Grace hear that,” I say. “Her boyfriend might pound the thugmoths outa ya.”

“She's cute,” Joel says. “You've had a crush on her like forever.”

“I know,” I say. “But she's into Adons, not Jeds like me.”

“Cash,” he says, “You got long hair and your shape's almost like a chick. Me think of you...”

“Emily is,” I say, “and I'm not.”

“Could make a cool chick, dude,” he says, “for a week, please?”

“Don't know, guy,” I say.

“Teleport from here to there is instantaneous,” he says. “Don't have to wait for no queue. Won't have to see any of your dude friends... so they can't laugh...”

“Talked to Grace yet?” I skew the topic.

“Did,” he says, “but only briefly so.”

“Joel...” I can see him shaking his ketchup bottle.

“Is okay, dude,” he says. “She thinks you'll make a damned-fine chick. She thinks you could pass as an Emily. Good thing for me, dude, two Emilys and no Berthas. Grace's game with your transform and'll teach you the finer points of being an Emily if you don't already know that stuff by instinct.”

“Quit playing with yourself,” I say observing his massive boner. “Do you do that all the time?”

“Can't help it, dude,” he says. “Thinking of Grace...”

“Joel Tanner...” I say firmly.

“Okay, dude,” he says, “This time I'm thinking of you... as a chick, dude... as an Emily... Jeevus.”

“JOEL FREAKING TANNER,” I shout in a curt way.

“Okay... okay, Cash,” he says. “I'm not gay, dude... I'm your bro. It's that the you look so ultra Emily, better than the prettiest real thing, and that's confusing me. It's not cause you're a guy, Cash. I'm seeing you as an Emily. You were awesome on Halloween, dude.”

“JOEL TANNER,” I shout into the voice piece, “I'M A GUY.”
“I know, dude...”

“CALM DOWN YOUR BONER, JOEL,” I say and end with a, “GOOD-FREAKING_BYE.”

And the intragram is over but I see his organ in his hand in my mind.

Jeevus.

…

Part One
Friday, November 9, 2029

I've never been what anyone could call an extremely effective male. I tried the short hair thing seven-years ago but that wasn't for me. Buzzed it entirely off. Still looked like a girl. Doggedly, I like my hair long and that only compounds my 'femme mystique' as my Momma calls it. It's obvious to me that her wish for me was that I would've been her seventh girl.

Momma isn't a bad mother. She loves all of us but her boyfriends usually convince her to party with them all night. We're usually in bed, my sisters and me, when she sneaks back into the house around two or three in the morning. She puts her foot down on her men planting themselves in her bed unless they're legal. Consequently, she's been married seven times.

Most of Momma's marriages have ended in les than a couple weeks. Daniela's dad was married to her for six-years. My dad was the shortest at only thirty-four hours. Momma said he went out to get some grinyum and never came back.

One thing's for sure, Momma loves her babies. I can't really say that she loves her men in fact, I'd say all she does is tolerate them. I can honestly say that I feel love from my Momma that's real. Her love for me is even though I have a penis. She has a wonderful hug that envelopes you and brings you into her being. I live for her hug.

My old man's been out of the picture since 2010, the year I was born. I think he was snuffed out or maybe the thugmoths ate him or something. I'd never seen him or any pictures of what he looked like. Momma says he was really pretty, though, and that I am a curious blend of him and her.

If I was a girl I would be labeled 'petite'. I am diminutive in stature standing around five-foot in my socks. Momma says I look like that olden days actress, Hayden Panettiere, excepting that I have raven hair.

My best friend is Joel Tanner. As much as I look like Lois Lane, he looks like Superman. He is tall and good looking with muscles bulging out all over his body. He works out all the time but when I do I look more and more like a girl.

Momma didn't help me out a whole lot in the names department. When I was baptized the Christian name she supplied was Tiffany Cash, no middle name. I go by 'Cash' but Momma's never really said whether that's my old man's real last name. I've been able to keep everyone, including my best friend Joel from knowing my name's 'Tiffany'. That old singer guy, Johnny Cash, sang about a boy named Sue. One might imagine what a boy with my named would be up against.

I believe I told you that I had long hair and it came in good for me three-weeks ago at the school Halloween party. Joel and Grace prodded me for the longest time to try doing a girl costume. Grace helped me out with some pointers on how to walk and talk so I guess I did an adequate job. I ended up winning 'Best Look', 'Best Costume', 'Best Couple' (with Joel Tanner) and a one-thousand Reagan prize. I also won the coveted title of 'Miss Emily'.

The sash still hangs in my room.

I pulled up a stereomorph on the intracom of Hayden Panettiere. I used PhotoMall 3D to alter her hair color from blonde to black and there was little doubt I might be her twin, if I was twenty-five years older. While I was midstream, I pulled up the pix from our Halloween party and the only other time I braved doing girl in public. I swear that Joel was rubbing off on me because I almost bonered my own pix.

Our fall school party was called “Halloween: A Homecoming Gone Macabre”. We were to dress in theme as either a homecoming royalty or some sort of sports-based attire. No one really expected me to show up as a cheerleader, but I did and I was told that I looked awesome. I based my look on the show by the old-timer, Miss Panettiere. I researched her on HistVid.

Almost forty-years ago she was on a show called “Heroes”. She played, oddly enough, a cheerleader who nearly indestructible.
Momma couldn't have been more pleased or excited. Since I usually shyed away from girlGlam and had never ventured into public as such, she giggled gleefully when I informed her of my plans. If it was up to her she'd turn me into a permanent Emily. I don't know if she'd neuter me cause I never asked her that but she'd totally accept me as her girl.

One of the benefits of Momma and my old man's genes is that I am almost totally hairless except where it counts. My hair, eyebrows, eyelashes and pubic area are all reaven black. My eyes are electric blue and my lips are full and pouting. I'm considered a 'Jed' to almost everyone I know. The term doesn't nauseate me any longer but it does get to me sometimes.

Jeds aren't necessarily ugly. My designation is owed to the fact that I'm petite and curvy. I'm not fat and plumb but, as you already know, I give Joel a boner. Do the deduction.

Momma was able to find a reproduction of Claire Bennett's cheerleading outfit, one that is rumored to have been worn by Hayden at one time or another, for me to wear. It's still hanging in my closet as we speak. I wasn't surprised that it fit me well.

Momma did my hair up in pigtails and managed a makeup application that made me look somewhere between an Emily and your grossest walking dead corpse. I added prosthetics that looked like shards of glass puncturing my face. At the base of each piece I made it look like blood dripping down. The blood dripped green for an added yucky effect.

Momma spore no limit to the amount of perfume she sprayed on me. She said if I had to look ugly at least I could smell pretty. I spent the night in a trail of classic Lady Gaga 'Fame'. I've got to say that it wasn't a bad aroma.

Joel did an outstanding job on his costume. He wanted to be the Michael jackson zombie in 'Thriller' but he was almost too much of an Adon to pull it off. First of all, he's naturally white. Secondly, he's six-foot-five and rippling with muscles. Michael Jackson wasn't anything like my best friend.

Joel took his letter jacket and carefully altered it to look way too small. His momma said it wouldn't be ruined and she could fix it after the party was through. He smeared ashes and pale makeup all over his face and made some pretty gruesome scars with an eyeliner pencil. He topped it off with an unkempt and grey Afro wig. He splotched twigs and leaves into it and his jacket and he looked like he crawled straight out of a crypt.

Somehow, him and I got paired up as a couple. I don't think many of the kids realized that I was the cheerleader until way after the party was over.

I had the time of my life and I don't remember a single time anyone thought I was a Jed. Joel even hugged me tight like he would a girl. Only turn off about that whole situation was the trouser bulge, but I soon got over it.

When I returned home that evening, I showed Momma the awards I won and she hugged me into one of her wonderful embraces.
“I can help you be like this forever,” she said.

“I like this,” I said, “but don't I have to be a guy for God and the Randians? You know how they feel about boys turning into girls.”

We giggled.

“Mi amore,” Momma said, “My offer is always there, forever and any time, any day or hour.”

That night was heaven.

The next Monday the guys were teasing me about being named “Miss Enily”.

“Ben,” they said, “we used ta think yas were just a Disneydweeb, now we thinks ya's maybe more than a Jed, yas must really must bes a chick.”

They proceeded to pants me in the alley behind TechLab and saw my dwindling little dangly part.

“Jed to the max,” they said. “Next time ya tries this Emily shit, the Randians'll knows 'bout it. Promise.”

Each of the ten plebs pounded me in either my tummy or in my groin. It hurt like hell but I got through it, kind of, and didn't tell my Momma a thing.

“Oh, and another thing,” the biggest one says, “I'd rather humpmount a 'Caroline' than test drive a 'Ben'.

They all laugh like little Bettys.

Two-weeks of that and Joel wants me to Emily with him and Grace at Con?

I got some thinking to do.

...More to come...
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An Alphbetical Glossary of Terms and Definitions in This Story
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Absorbing: Listening and partaking, like to quadrestrial radio or even your momma.

Adon: The ultimate male and peer to the ultimate female 'Emily'. 'Adon' is short for 'Adonis' which means the guy has a smashing body and very good looks. He's what a man looked like in at the turn of the nineteenth century: brawny and adorable even if he might be bald. He can pull anything off and the girls, especially the 'Emilys' flock around him.

Ayn: The currency that replaced the American dollar as the only stable form of currency for Tara is the Ayn. Instituted by the Randians, it has the worth of a former United States of America dollar but with three-times greater buying power.

Aynrandia: America post 2020.

Bay of California: This body of water covers most of the area of the previous State of California.

Bertha: Female equivalent of a 'Jed'. The least desirable form of woman. A Bertha's face may be gorgeous, but if she is too tall or has no shape to speak of, she's a loser. If a 'Bertha' is hired do occasional modeling work, it will mainly be as a hand model and facework, no full-on body shots.

California: Although technically still a state in Aynrandia, only the highest mountain peaks are above water.

Deechie: A slang term for Aynrandia's seat of government located in Washington, DC.

Disneydweeb: Someone who hasn't yet given up Disney movies or themed destinations as the only place to seek out or have fun.

Emily: The highest applied standard of womanhood. Emilys are photogenic, ideally-proportioned petites. Emilys have long, slender digits and ideal hourglass shapes. Emilys are highly desirous by the male population and usually the main source of teen-aged boners.

girlGlam: Wwhen a very pretty Jed puts on female clothing he is said to be in girlGlam. Jeds very often transform well into reasonably gorgeous Emilys.

Grinyum: Cigarettes and liquor have been banned from Aynrandia since NeoWar concluded. Narcotics are non-existent. Grinyum is a delicacy made from hamburger and tabbyvox dirt that yields the buzz all previously popular narcotics were known for.

HistVid: The modern alternative to a 2000s program called 'youTube' where historical footage and boob-tube stuff may be recalled and made to appear in hologram form.

Hissed: Having used HistVid.

Humpmount: To mount a female from behind, then stop just short of ejaculation, simply because the female is deemed 'too Betty'.

Intramode/Intragram: A means of communication similar to email but is a restricted person-to-person mode. Combines the feel of a telephone conversation with an intranet experience where one can see their conversee in three dimensions as if actually in the same room. One can choose a smell function that allows the experience to be all-the-more realistic.

Jed: The least desirable form of male not only due to grotesque body features but also due to immature growth. A 'Jed' can be quite ugly or very handsome but very petite. Either way, no man ever wants to be classified as a 'Jed'.

Midstream: Intramode usage protocol describing the quick access of information in an effective and usefu; manner.

NeoWar: Beginning in 2013 with the overthrow of US President Barack Obama's regime, the crowning of Mitt Romney as US President and his twenty-nine days in office followed by his abdication from office, America developed a rift between the citizenry that rivaled the previous US Civil War. NeoWar lasted from October of 2015 to June of 2018. The still-intact United States of America has been renamed 'Aynrandia' by the Randians. Government has been replaced with a world-wide government led by the Randians. from 2019 to present the world is in relative peace.

PhotoMall 3D: Similar to Earth 2012's Adobe Photoshop but way more rad. Turns a flat photo into a editable 3D hologram.

Pleb: Someone who is not educated.

Quadrestrial Radio: An experiment in terrestrial radio function not unlike the 1980s-mode quadraphonic speakers. This radio style, like 2010's stereo television, seemed popular at the time of it's conception but is falling out of favor by the majority of the population of the planet Tara.

Tabbyvox: A nearly extinct mutant of the common tabby cat. Near-extinction was expedited due to the practice of using them for target practice during NeoWar.

Tabbyox Dirt: The feces of the female tabbyvox, a rare find that is as disgusting as it is effective, serves as the only legal but pricey form of narcotic in Reagania.

Tara: Third rock from the sun. The home planet. This title became vogue and made it into common usage shortly after NeoWar was concluded.

Thugmoth: A mutant giant moth that can devour people in as little as three-minutes.

wag1: 2012 internet slang for 'What's Going On?” and the title of this story.

2026 San Diego Comic Con International Paris Edition: Since the majority of the state of California slid into the ocean in 2022, there is no longer an above-the-water city named 'San Diego'. 'San Diego Comic Con' is now more a title of respect than the actual host city. Present leadership of the San Diego Comic Convention is based out of Las Vegas Beach, Nevada which is now lies on the Bay of California. Since 2023, when the Board of Directors resumed operation, 'Con', as frequenters call it, has moved from city to city. 2026 finds Paris, France as the host city of the event that will be attended by our young protagonists.