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My name is John phoenix im 23 and right out of college and had few friends. Then I got a job working at an archaeological dig site in ancient sparta. I was there several months, working in a area deep with in the castle surveying the last spot in my area.
I found a hidden switch behind an old statue that looked like ares god of war. So out of wonder I reached in to the statue and hit the switch that's when I heard a hiss like an ancient sealed room was opening.
I turned around and seen a huge opening that wasn't there before. So I went in the air was thin but luckily in my line of work we had to carry small oxygen tanks. I took out my breathing mask hooked it to the tank and put it on, that made it easier for me to breathe.
Through the opening there was a long winding tunnel, so I followed it until it opened up into a large room.
It look like its a massive ancient armoury ,it held broze armor, swords,and shelds.(well what would you expect it is sparta), I walked to the back of the large room and seen something out of place.
It was a sword it looked like it was from a different time period. it was setting on a small stone stand. I took a brush out of my pack and brushed of the top of the stand. Then I seen an inscription dug into it.
Then I translated the markings it read (this sword gifted by the almighty god ares to be able to travel beyond this world and the next.). at first I didn't understand what that ment.
I grabbed the sword to get a better look at it, and looks like a samurai sword crossed with a lightsaber. I looked at it in detail and found a hidden button on the handle next to the blade. I pushed the button and the whole blade begin to glow a blueish color and fades away when I let go of the button. I found the swords sheath behind the stand. I slipped the sword into the sheath and tied it to my wast. then I left the room and took my breathing mask off manly because the tank ran out of oxygen.
I then left the catacombs back to mane camp. About the company I work for they alow every archaeologist to keep one item they find peer dig site, and desided to keep the sword.
Mouths later I was back at my hometown with a good amount of money in my pocket and the sword at my side. I rented a hotel room for a few days until I could find a place for my self. The next day I went to the woods outside of town with the sword, I walked a ways until i was sure i couldn't be seen. I desided to see how sharp the sword actually was.
So I unsheathed the sword and walked up to small tree that was about 3 inches thick and sliced straight through it, then tried a 6 inch thick tree and the same thing happened. I continued until I was slicing 4 foot thick trees in two with out even trying. Then I remembered about the hidden button so I pressed it and the same bluish light came from the sword.
So I sliced the air with the sword and where I sliced opened up like a window with a familiar bluish border. It had a different view than what was behind it.
I walked up to it to see what was on the other side. I found out that I could walk through the portal. I desided to see what was on the other side so I passed to the other side.
to be continued in the next chapter
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Comments
phew!
The story has promise, in that it's another world realm where one's imagination can go wherever one wants it to.
As a new writer, I know the nerves and excitement you must feel putting your work on show for the first time. It is daunting, and so full marks for you for doing so. That's the hard bit. Now you can only grow as a writer, and I'm sure you will.
I remember when I first wrote a piece and posted it to Sapphire's Place. I was bombarded with helpful criticism, so I was able to develop and grow as a writer.
We never stop learning, so please, do not take offence at any suggestions I make, as I want you to improve and grow.
Besides, I want to see where you are going with this.
I have a slight problem with the pace... this seems so rushed, one hardly gets to draw breath. There's a lot of things going on, but you cut all events to small sentences and then rush on to the next. To be honest, you have a chapter that could, or even should be a lot longer. This story is bold enough to pad out with some description and even introduce us to your character some more by having dialogue with another character, even if they are only there to help introduce us to John.
I also think you could just do us poor readers a favour and capitalize your 'I's, and check over your grammar and general feel. It's too much like a list of 'I did this', 'I did that', 'I then did this again', Then I did that'.
I have been criticised for not having an editor in the past, as I was in such a rush to get my work out. I've learned, so have now a couple of great helpers who cast a beady eye over my work and just make sure it's readable.
Well done.
I hope to see more
Tanya
There's no such thing as bad weather, just the wrong clothes!
thanks
This is actually the first story i have ever written in my life i gladly take any criticism kindly knowing it can only help.
what doesn't help is writing a story with a nintendo 3DS. that was the case with the first chapter i couldn't tell how long the paragraphs were.
Perhaps
Perhaps someone could edit the chapters for you.
Try to fill it out a bit more between the major happenings - imagine what the protagonist (hero) feels and try to describe it.
The story line is fine and has a lot of possibilities. Keep going - you'll soon learn a few tricks!
Well done
Jen
John needs
to watch out, It was said curiosity killed the cat, Seems to me walking through a portal amounts to pretty much the same thing, Goodness only knows what he might find there, But you can put a lot of money on it not being friendly...
Nice start Blaze this story has a lot of possibilities, Hopefully you will write more very soon .... If i could however offer you a couple of suggestions Maybe a little more background about John would help us understand his somewhat impetuous nature and also give us an idea of what he looks like.... The other thing which might help the flow of the story would be the use of spellchecker just to give it that final polished feel...
Kirri
the cross-world sword part 1
A very good beginning to a new story.
May Your Light Forever Shine