Plus ça Change By Kozmik Alaska

A dull nagging rain painted the background for a much more tumultuous storm that taking place on a car on the Vancouver SkyTrain. Its sole occupants where two women, both around their mid twenties, knee deep in a heated argument.
"It just doesn't work any more, why can't you see that"
"But, Casey, I can change, honest I can"
Casey shook her head and laughed. "You just don't get it anymore"
"Get what?" Kathy asked.
"Get what? Get what!" Casey blurted out. "How about the fact that I don't love you anymore."
That bit cut through Kathy like a knife.
Kathy shook her head in disbelief. "Please, don't say that. If I did something wrong..."
Casey charged forward in the verbal battle. "Everything is wrong. You can't change the way you are. You cut off your dick to become a woman yet you still act like a man, there, now do you understand. You're nothing but a fucking man in dress."
The train pulled into Granville station.
Casey stood up to get off the train. Kathy reached out to grab her, but Casey broke loose "Just .. leave .. me .. alone! Fuck off and die!" she shouted.
And with that, she was gone out into the fog and dark damp night.
Kathy attempted to run after her, but the doors of the car slammed shut before she could react. She pounded against the door with her fist as the tears welled in her eyes. "No no oh please no"
Kathy got off at Burrard Street and walked slowly and unsteadily back to her apartment her stomach churning. The rains soaked her to the skin. Once inside she didn't even dry off. Kathy simply threw herself face down on the bed, the bed that she had shared so many times with Casey.
As she lay there crying, all the disappointments in her life came flooding back to her. As a male to female transsexual she faced the fact that her family back in Charlottetown PEI had abandoned her when she came out. They hit her with the they lame excuse "If you where gay we could understand. But this .. but this .. you like girls"
Fact was, she still did, even after she had transitioned. Having lost the love of her family, she clung the love of the first woman she had hooked up with post transition. And now that love had ended.
Those words -- you're still a man in a dress burned in her memory and anger welled replacing the tears. Kathy glanced over at photo of Casey on the nightstand
"A man in a dress! A man in a dress! I'll give you a man in a dress" she shouted at it before throwing in at the wall.
A shard of glass ricocheted back at her cut her hand. Wincing in pain she walked to the bathroom and began rinsing the blood away, the wound burning.
She returned to the bedroom and stared at the glass and smashed picture frame on the carpet. "I guess I should clean up this frigging mess," she thought.
Kathy went out to the kitchen to get a box in which to place the broken glass. As she dug around in the kitchen for a box she noticed a full bottle of rum. She grabbed the bottle and banged in on the kitchen counter. Kathy filled a glass with ice and then added several millilitres of rum before topping it off with a splash of diet coke.
'Fuck you Casey' she said as she took a big gulp.
She placed the bottle of run and the 2-litre diet coke in the box. Taking another big swallow of her drink she went back to bedroom and sat on the floor. Kathy set the booze bottle and pop on the nightstand. Between sobs she began to pick up the glass. Every so often she took a gulp of her drink.
"I am going to get so goddam drunk." She sobbed. "I deserve it"
After tossing all the glass and the frame in the box, she picked up the picture of Casey. Staring at it, anger grew in side of her and those words 'man in a dress' began to re-echo. Her drink glass was empty and she turned to refill it. In reaching for the diet coke, she knocked it off the stand dumping it over the carpet. All was left was the rum, so she unscrewed the cap and raised the bottle to her lips. Kathy took a good strong drink of straight rum, the booze burning as it passed through her.
She began to feel emboldened, and dug in the drawer of nightstand then pulled out a pair of scissors. She grabbed the rum bottle, Casey's picture, and the scissors and stood over the toilet. "To hell with you" she said as she began cutting the picture into small pieces, letting each flutter into the toilet bowl.
She flushed the toilet and the confetti that was Casey's picture went swirling away. Kathy tossed the scissors on he vanity and then picked up the bottle for another drink.
She looked at herself in the mirror. Her hair was mess, and her mascara had run in streaks down her face.
"Don't I just look so goddam fucking feminine" she spat, an evil laugh enveloping her words.
Grabbing the scissors she began chopping at her long black hair. Big clumps fell to the floor as she haphazardly hacked away in a blind rage. It was only after several minutes of copping that Kathy realised what she doing. The sight shocked her and she grabbed her rum bottle and ran back to bedroom. She threw herself on the bed, splashing rum everywhere. Now everything was ruined. Kathy continued drinking until she passed out, the rum bottle at her side. It tipped over and saturated the bed, but Kathy was too far gone to notice or even care.
At 7 AM the sun came streaming in her bedroom and lit up a world of tweeting birds and the sound of the city. Kathy's eyes fluttered open and the sunlight seared them like hot pokers. Her head was pounding. She didn't feel like moving but a heaving in her gut propelled her to the bathroom.
Recovering from being sick, she saw the hair all over the floor and then looked at herself.
"What have I done, what have I done" she cried.
Her hairstyle resembled the hack job of a 4 year old.
She surveyed the bedroom and the damage of the broken glass and picture frame, a stain of diet coke, and the alcohol soaked bed. It all started to flood back to her, the arguments, the break-up, last night.
And now she had to carry on. But how could she.
Kathy went to the kitchen and put on the kettle for some coffee. She made a cup of extra strong coffee and settled into a chair in the living room. The coffee did seem to have some effect in at least waking her up. Kathy reached into her purse and pulled out her compact and a hairbrush. She began trying to rearrange her mop into something, anything resembling a half decent hairstyle. But it was no use.
"I've really done it up good now" she thought as she tossed the brush and mirror on the coffee table.
She had to do something, but wasn't sure what to do. As life began to return to her alcohol ravaged body and she tried to make sense of the situation. She didn't seem to fit anywhere anymore. Not in the gay community, not in the trans community, and certainly not in the straight community. It felt like this when she was growing up. A boy in the wrong skin. A skin that didn't feel quite right. She had grown up not feeling like a boy. She didn't just want to be a girl, she needed to be one.
Having lost the love of the woman in her life, all the pain and anguish now seemed almost worthless. As the caffeine began to rejuvenate her body, the fuzzies continued to clear from her mind.
Kathy sighed. "Feeling sorry for myself just isn't going to cut it. I've got to go on. I've got to move on. I can't, no I won't let her get the best of me. Starting today, I live for me"
Kathy finished her coffee and showered, washing the scunginess of the night from her body. She pulled on a pair of the most feminine panties she owned and the bra that matched. They were a delicate diaphanous set in smoky grey. But even the uber-femininity of her lingerie did nothing to counter the devastation she had inflicted on her hair.
"What a friggin' mess" she swore as she tried to hide it with a baseball cap.
Kathy dressed in pair of jeans and frumpy sweatshirt. Frumpy, that's how I feel as she headed out to Vancouver's gay district, Davie Village. She stopped to glance at the headlines in the Vancouver Sun - Coroner DaVinci Faces New Foe in Run for Police Chief. She bought a paper and continued along Davie Street to Curl Up and Dye-ke to see if they could fix the dishevelled mess under her baseball cap.
Rachel Simmons greeted her as she entered the shop.
"Be right with you"
Kathy took a seat and thumbed through the paper.
"What can I do for you? Wait, Kathy is that you! What the hell happened to your hair?" Rachel exclaimed
"In short, Casey and I had a fight last night and she walked out on me. I got drunk and well.. "
"Damn!"
"Can you fix it?" Kathy asked as she took off the baseball cap
"I can't say that you're first girl that I've had heard of who did a number on herself when her girlfriend left her, but I must admit that you really did it up good!"
"You know me, everything in moderation - NOT"
Rachel reached over and tilted Kathy's head. "Well, whatever I do, it's going to come out rather butch."
"Hmmm, well, Casey said that I was nothing more than a man in a dress, so I guess that's what it will have to be"
Rachel led Kathy over to one of the chairs in the shop "Lets get started, shall we"
The clippers whirred and buzzed. The sound reminded her of a time back 10 years to her life as a teenage boy when her parents forced a buzzcut on her as a punishment for being such an effeminate boy. The devastating effect of that haircut had the boy she had masqueraded as in tears, yet soon would have the opposite effect as it only strengthened her resolve to continue on the path to the wholeness of being the girl she needed to be. Now it became the cornerstone of her re-construction. Kathy shivered as she felt the cold metal of the clippers against the back of her neck.
When Rachel finished she handed a mirror to Kathy. The image that she saw was one that she hadn't seen in years. The façade of the boy that had existed before she began the formal path of female hormones to surgery looked back. Yet there was a certain difference that she couldn't put her finger on. He had a clean-cut fresh look, straight out of the boy's locker-room fresh, yet intertwined with certain femininity.
"This is the best I can do. Meet Kathy, the butch boi" Rachel said.
"Would have thought that after all these years of striving to be girl, I'd end up as a boi."
"You never know. You might like it. Radical events cause radical changes. At least now, no one can say you look like a man in a dress, since a dress won't really suit the boi"
Kathy paid Rachel for the cut, and still being a bit self-conscious pulled on her baseball cap, before heading back out onto Davie Street. A cool breeze blew in off English Bay and seemed to be sweeping away the despair of the previous evening. She passed by Little Sister's Book and Art Emporium and decided to stop in. She picked up a copy of On Our Backs, a magazine that advertised itself as Adventures in Lesbian Sex.

"That what I need," Kathy thought as she thumbed through the pages. "Adventures"
As she looked through a photo spread of a hot butch and femme lesbian couple she found herself getting aroused. Wicked thoughts coursed through her mind and she felt herself begin to perspire. She tugged the baseball cap off her head and ran her hand through her new haircut. It was then that it hit her. She smiled as her brain went into overdrive.

"There's more than one way to fit along the continuum." She thought. She paid for the magazine and headed out. She had a few stops to make.
Once back in her apartment and tossed some bags on her bed. She quickly stripped off all of her clothes and dug into the contents of the bag from Top Drawers Apparel. The store was busy with butch guys examining its array of jocks and briefs but the sales clerk really didn't even bat an eye as Kathy purchased the Bike jockstrap she know held in her hand. She stood before the full-length mirror on the back on the bedroom door and then examined the jock. She then looked at her reflection and her eyes settled the place where a penis had once hung. She fluffed out the pubic hair that covered her vagina feeling a dampness that had started to develop. Taking a deep breath she pulled the jockstrap up her legs and settled it on her hips.

She hadn't worn one of these she was in residence at the boy's locker-room in grade 12. The feeling was both familiar and strange at the same time. At least this time, she thought, I'm not wearing these out of threat to be more like a boy, but because I want to. It felt quite different with nothing filled the pouch of the jockstrap as it curved flat between her legs. She adjusted the straps to frame her butt and turned around to admire her work.
Beads of sweat formed between her breasts and rolled down her tummy. The coarse fabric of the pouch of her jockstrap tickled her pubic hair and she fell back onto bed. The sheets smelled of the rum she had spilled on then the night before, but she didn't care. Kathy wanted sex, and wanted it as messy and unclean as possible. Keeping her hand outside the pouch of her jockstrap she began massaging the clit that the surgeons had created for her out of the vestiges of her penis. Pleasurable sensations emanated from it and she began moaning in delight. She pulled the jockstrap up tight between her legs until the rough pouch slide in between her vaginal lips. With her fingers she began massaging between her labia using the fabric as stimulus. The forbidden nature of what she was doing, the way it showed a finger to all conventions of gender only served to enhance the experience. As Kathy closed her eyes she felt a spasm go through her again and again and she gasped for air as she climaxed.
She lay there totally drained and attempted to recover. The scent of her self love mingled with the spilt rum smell.

After several minutes in th afterglow, Kathy reached over and grabbed a bag from a shop called Womyn's Ware. She adjusted the pillows behind her and sat up. Spreading the bag's contents before her, she grinned a wicked grin as she inspected her toys; a realistic looking dildo complete with balls, a harness to strap it on with, some lube, and something called The Package. She took it out of its wrapping and examined it. It was a flaccid dick, also complete with testicles, while not suitable for sexplay, would add that bulge that was lacking in her jockstrap. She stuffed it into the pouch of her jock and adjusted it into place. She lay back on the bed and looked down at the incongruous sight of a dick bulge in her jockstrap coupled with the sight of her breasts.

Kathy stood up and admired herself in the mirror. She turned sideways and chuckled at the profile of breasts and a dick bulge she presented.
"A man in a dress my ass!" she swore.
Kathy dressed in a pair of men's Levi's button 501s and a white tee-shirt The tight jeans made a nice display of her Packy filled jockstrap, the lines of the straps that framed her ass clearly visible. She completed the look with a pair of white socks and some Doc Marten's
It was Boyz, Butches & Bad Girlz night over at Licks on Abbott Street. The night's event was to be a fundraiser for Youthco, a group that helped people age 15 to 29 who were affected by HIV/AIDS or Hepatitis C. She and Casey had talked about going to it.
"I can kill two birds with one stone, tonight", Kathy thought. "Help out a good cause, and maybe rub that bitch Casey's nose in it"
When she arrived at Licks, the place was heavy with girls and bois on the prowl. She settled at the bar for a drink and admired the scenery. She was definitely in the market, though not 100% sure what she doing. Kathy decided to let every ounce of hedonism inside be her guide. A cute little femme thing from the University of BC came floating by and sat across the room. She was grooving to the music and looked like she was hungry for a night of pleasure. Her eyes seemed to be focusing on every boi in the place. Kathy decided to strike.
"Hey. You look lonely over here. Can I buy you a drink and maybe offer some companionship"
"Ah, sure."
"What's your poison?"
"I'll just have some white wine, thanks"
"Oh perfect!" Kathy thought, "A little femme white wine drinker"
Kathy got the drink for her and they began some small talk.
The femme took a sip of her wine. "My name's Tina. I'm student at UBC. What about you, you have a name?"
"Yeah, I do. But it's not important"
"Okay, its not important. Funny name, though"
"You want to dance"
"Yeah, why not"
They both got up walked to the dance. The beat blared from the speakers and they Tina and Kathy engaged in the footsteps of a courtship ritual.
"Look, butchie, I'm not out for anything but to get laid" Tina suddenly blurted.
Kathy moved in closer. "You don't say. Well, I'm only here to do my part to corrupt the morals of the girls of UBC one at a time"
Tina glanced at the bulge in Kathy's crotch. "You're not really a guy are you?"
"Nope, just a butch boi on the prowl"
The music ended and they returned to their table all sweaty and hot. On the way back to their table Kathy spied Casey. She didn't want to make a scene, but she did want the last word
"Look, you want to leave and get on with things" Kathy asked.
"What about my wine"
"I have a full bottle at home. I'm just around the corner" Kathy grabbed Tina's hand. She made a point of walking right by Casey.
"Hi Casey! Hope your herpes are all better," she said as she walked out, arm around Tina's shoulder.
By the time hey reached Kathy's apartment, they both knew that they where ready for some anonymous down and dirty sex. Kathy tugged the dress that Tina was wearing up over her head. Standing there in just her bra and panties, Tina began to undo Kathy's jeans. Kathy pulled her white tee-shirt up over her head. Tina's fingers deftly undid the button on the 501s and Kathy let them drop to floor before kicking them across the room. She stood before Tina wearing nothing but her well packed jock. She pulled Tina close, the pouch of her jock rubbing against her crotch as she undid the girl's bra. Kathy then pushed her back on to the bed and started liking her tits. Tina pulled off her panties and tossed them to the floor.
Pausing only to grab a dental dam from the nightstand and place it over Tina's vagina, Kathy began to lick her pussy. Her saliva glistened on Tina's legs. Kathy's tongue thrust in and out and along Tina's labia and she could feel the girl's clit growing hard. Kathy's chin brushed in a bobbing motion against Tina's pussy as she continued licking and lapping at her
They both rolled over on their sides and Tina began to explore Kathy's body. Kathy pulled the Packy out of her jock and tossed it across the room, sending it bouncing off the wall. Tina dove in and began to eat her out through the fabric of her jockstrap. Her tongue made little teasing trails along Kathy's inner thigh and the edge of her jock, which was soon saturated with moisture.
"Do me, screw me, dyke boi! Screw me now!" Tina cried out.
Kathy reached under the bed for the strap on harness and dildo. Tina yanked Kathy's jockstrap off and then playfully fingered her pussy. Kathy held her breath in the hopes that works of her surgery wouldn't give her way as she wished that her secret of being a transsexual wouldn't be exposed. Tina seems far too interested in getting it on to see if anything was amiss.
Kathy inserted the dildo through the hole in the front of the harness and then pulled it into place.
"Put your jock back on and pull your dick out the side" Tina ordered as she pulled a condom over the fake dick.
Kathy pulled the jock up her legs and let her dildo hang out the side of the pouch. She pushed Tina back on the bed and then let her guide the silicon dick into her vagina. Kathy had never had sex as a boy and was unsure what to do. She had seen some gay male porn and so figured that some imitation might work as she began thrusting.
"Drive it home dyke boi! Give it to me"
Kathy's clit throbbed with a beat like a tom-tom as she rammed her dildo into Tina. She began to actually feel each and every shove she made into the girls' pussy as if some vestigial thought process held over from her life as a boy kicked in.
"C'mon boi, give me all your dyke dick." The pouch of Kathy's jockstrap rubbed against Tina's clit and soon she melted into waves of orgasm. Then in one move, she flipped Kathy on her back, and pulled off Kathy's jockstrap off her and then removed the harness and dildo. Tina's fingers first tickled the mass of wet curls of her pubic hair before she stuck them deep inside of Kathy. She diddled her in a rhythm to match her panting, playing with Kathy's clit with her thumb. Kathy's back arched as she screamed out in orgasm.
They fell back on the bed, a tangled mess of sweaty bodies and fell asleep amidst the unkempt sheets.
Several hours later, Kathy woke up, her mind in a daze. She shook her head and reached beside her. She realised that Tina was no longer lying by her side.
She got up and went form room to room. There was no sign of the cute femme she had just bedded. Returning to bedroom, Kathy sat on the end of her bed. Her clothes lay in a heap on the floor. She began to pick them up, and in doing so noticed that her new Bike jockstrap was nowhere to be found.

Meanwhile across town in an apartment near UBC Tina sat on her bed with an array of jockstraps and men's briefs scattered on the bed in front of her. She was wearing nothing more than Kathy's jockstrap as she filled out an entry in her journal.
"So many bois, so little time..." she began.

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