I am scared, scared of society, scared of judgment, scared of pain, scared of emotional hurt.

I have lived through my emotional pain, first when i was 12 and found i did not fit into society. Then at 21 when i was raped, and again when I lost my mother, the only person to ever accept me fully as nothing but her child with unconditional love, at 29.

I am now 38 and trying to overcome my fear and become at peace with myself and my family. It is a long hard battle uphill everyday. I wore a mask for years, how i hated that mask, just to fit in or so I thought. I found out later the only person i fooled was myself.

The mask was to hide my pain to the world i was a male but up close i would get missed or ma'amed anyways. I was considered a freak by many and named as such on many occasions.

I am not used to showing my true skin to all and at times it hurts me very much if there is a bad comment. Before if people insulted the mask it was ok as it wasn't me they insulted. Now I have to deal with it and cannot truthfully deal with it.

I pine for the love I have been denied for years.

I remember when i was but 19 i tried on my first ever wedding dress in a store. it was the most wonderous time. I still wish very much to be a bride one day.

I hurt very much and the pain is very great. I know my honor would never allow me to even contemplate taking my life though many have asked me since when i reveal my pain many are shocked at how high the level is.

I am alone in a world where people fit into catagorys be it male,female,trans whatever.

Everyday is a step on a new road of my own making as there is no guide for me to follow.

People who get angry at me do not see the pain it causes me nor the tears I shed as I hide them in shame.

I am Me. For now it is enough. Tommorow is a new day and a new step. When I sleep I will dream of many things.

I know that no matter how hard I try I will never fit in. I have come to accept that.

Dispite what others may think either now, in the past, or in the future. I am a woman.

I know some may wonder what my genetics say. I cannot tell you since I really do not know.

I am experiencing Menopause which I really do not like at all. It is very painful at times.

I am unable to talk with some, though I do try very hard, as most of what I say seems to come across wrong. It is something that has always been there. It .....hurts me when people take what i say in what i believe to be a positive note and turn it around to be well insulting to them.