Chris in hiding

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  If this has any relevence to anyone you know or have seen, it was coincidental. This is my first story, so please judge how good I did.
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      Hi, this my story on how I saved america. My name was Chris. It all started on a sunny happy day in october. I had been hacking a major iraq website. I had found tons of info on how they were going to destroy the U.S. with a stockpile of nuclear bombs. Natrually I sent it to the government. They looked it through and raided the place where they had stockpiled the bombs. Apperently the iraqi's don't like having thier bombs taken away, so they sent a group member to kill me. I was sitting on the couch relaxing when the doorbell rang. My mom answered the door and was immediently killed. I quickly hid and called 911. In the meantime my dad went to see what was happening, and he was shot and killed. The police came, but the killer was gone. I explained what happened, and they took me back to the police station. I stayed overnight while they decided what to do with me.
           The next morning I woke up groggy and tired from a fitful nights sleep. I looked around. I was in the police chief's chair. I went out and saw a few of the police looking at a peice of paper. I asked,"Whats that?". The police chief turned around and gave me a sad look."Well, its your parents will. Here, take a look". I went over took the will and looked at it. It said that I would get all my parents money, but I would have to wait until I was 18, which sucked. It also said that if they died before I was legally old enough I would go live with our family friends, the Lowes. They had a boy named Steve, and a girl named Elizabeth. Steve was 17, and very skilled at golf, while Elizabeth was 14(one year older thanme), and loved doing crafts. There mom, Cary, was a fine person and homeschooled her kids. There dad, John, worked hard in his fields, and had a big house in the countryside. So overall I guess it was a good place to go. So I said,"When do I go back to my house and get my stuff?". He smiled and said,"Well, I grabbed all the essentials for know. I don't think your going back to your house anytime soon. Its under investigation. Oh, and also you are going to have to disguise yourself to, because that killer is still on the loose". I nodded grimly. I wonder what kind of disguise I was going to think of?
              Soon after, a police man came to the office and took me on my way to the Lowe's house. It was'nt terribly far out of town, so I wondered when I would come back. When we got there, the Lowes were waiting. Miss Lowe came out and thanked the police man, and I carried my bags inside. Currently Cary was the only one home. After she came in she showed me my room(which I would be sharing with Steve), then she told me after I was done unpacking, to go downstairs to get a snack. As soon as the door shut, I went over to the chair, sat down, and started crying. I was always a crier. If I got hurt, I cried. If I was angry I cried. Even if I had no reason, I cried. Not very manly, but I was always the odd duck. I tried to be more of a man, like join in on frivilis activity, burped and belched(which I thought was gross), and much more. But right now you could'nt blame me. I had just lost my family to a stupid gunner.  
            After awhile, I stopped crying and felt much better. I finished unpacking, and went down for a snack. Miss Lowe asked me to sit down. She said,"First off, I am so sorry for your family. They were great people. Second...". That was enough to get that darn stream running again. She quickly came over and comforted me. After a few minutes i settled down. She continued,"Second, we are going to have to figure out how we are going to disguise you".

  Please tell me if I did good or not. I have chapter 2 coming soon!

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Comments

great start

crash's picture

Great start. Interesting premise. Lets see where it goes from here.

Your friend
Crash

good

good start, a little quick to an ending but worth continuing.
robert

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good start

Work on the next installment with some care do not over think it. This needs a little fineness but it can be a realy good story, it starts well and I think it will end well. Just trust your self and do it.

The only bad question is the one not asked.

The only bad question is the one not asked.

a good start do some work on

a good start
do some work on your formatting and charector generation,
jumping around in a short story leaves the reader disattisfied, you went BAM, BAM, BAM build it up a bit get a feeling for how people would react etc. the biggest tool is practice practice practice

to hug is to be and to be is to be hugged

view the world through the eyes of a child and relearn the wonder and love

Allie elle loved and cared for and resident of the kids camp full time

to hug is to be and to be is to be hugged

view the world through the eyes of a child and relearn the wonder and love

Allie elle loved and cared for and resident of the kids camp full time

Dunno

I personally think it's written just a little to short and static. Work on it and it might get actually good. - 'Will stay tuned to watch your progress...

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"Die Gedanken sind frei / Sie fliegen vorbei
Kein Mensch kann sie wissen / Kein Jäger sie schießen
Mit Kugeln und Blei / Die Gedanken sind frei"

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"Die Gedanken sind frei / Sie fliegen vorbei
Kein Mensch kann sie wissen / Kein Jäger sie schießen
Mit Kugeln und Blei / Die Gedanken sind frei"

Great

Great start now on to chapter 2 where you can expand the story. Major KUDOS for posting your first story -- HUGS RICHIE2

Chris in hiding

Good start.

    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine
    Stanman
May Your Light Forever Shine

Congradulations ...

... on getting your first effort posted.

I hope you won't take offense - I really am trying to be helpful.

This posting isn't great, but it isn't awful, either.

It does okay as a teaser. If it was intended as a prologue, it covers too much ground; if it's meant to be "chapter 1" it's way too short; and in either case it's a bit too thin. The whole story premise was crammed into the first paragraph. I hope you will eventually rewrite it to flesh out the initial characters and story background. The prologue should probably end with Chris spending the night at the police station, or with "Family Services".

Also, there are incongruous elements like an assassin who just stands at the door and shoots whoever comes to see what's going on. Does he just assume that there are only two adults living there? If one has the element of surprise, it shouldn't take more than a minute or two to clear a common 6 room home. Why didn't he search for other occupants?

Then again, if this was in some parts of Arizona (or Texas, for that matter) the sound of gun-shots would bring out several armed neighbors, causing him to flee.

For that matter, how did his group find out who had hacked their site (okay, maybe we don't need to find this out until later, except that this seems to be written "in retrospect".)

Another incongruous element is the will. How did the police come up with a will the very night the parents were killed? Is it a really small town, and someone at the police HQ knew who his parents' attorney was? Usually it takes a few days after an untimely death for the will to surface.

As an aside, I a little saddened that you chose to characterize the assassin as a "stupid gunner". Stupid he was if he didn't properly see to the task, but there are 100's of thousands of "gunners" in the U.S. alone, who would never consider murdering someone. E.G. check out the "Valley of the Sun Pink Pistols" (Greater metropolitan Phoenix, AZ).

http://valleyofthesunpinkpistols.org/index.php/about

Be well,
Deni

Hi Derek!

And from one newish author to another, welcome!
I liked the concepts here and the ideas, i see your course and plot line...this is a good story, but i suggest that you ask someone here to help you edit and pat the story into shape and help you with the text formatting...
Otherwise, A+... keep writing what your muse tells you too Hun!
Hugs,
Diana