Just before she went to bed, Steffi called me into her bedroom and showed me the uploaded photos. I chose a busy restaurant photo that showed our stunning hostess, and a group photo that had her prominently featured as well. I hugged her and told her how very proud I am.
God, I absolutely love that girl!

The Beneficiary, by Karin Bishop

Selected entries from the Journal of Donna Everton

Part 9

6/2

Two momentous occasions to report. Three if you count Carla pronouncing her work with Steffi at an end; her healing has been rapid and Steffi has shown the self-discipline to continue exercising without supervision. We’ll miss her, and I’m indebted to her for finding Dr. Hastert for us, who also found us our lawyer, Aaron. Working with him has been a dream; he’s handled everything so smoothly. And he’s so nice and I can’t believe somebody hasn’t grabbed him and married him yet.

I’m getting distracted. Two occasions. The first was that Tina came over–it was her day off–and announced that Darryl had quit the car dealership and taken a job at the new Home Depot in town. He said it was entry level but he wanted to work for people that didn’t know him, and that he’d have to prove himself through his own work. Tina said she didn’t know what I said to him ‘that night’, but it seems to be working. Darryl’s hard at work now, to prove himself to Tina–and to himself.

The second occasion is also due to Tina. In the middle of this early hot spell, on her day off, Tina marched up to Steffi’s room and ordered her to get her bikini on, damn it! She browbeat Steffi into gooping up with sunblock and had brought three bikinis for Steffi to choose from, but, damn it, she was going to wear one of them! Steffi gave a lame excuse about needing to finish up a website, and then another lame excuse about ‘what about my scars?’ but Tina and I had talked about this day. I’ve already checked with Carla and Dr. Hastert and they both said it was time Steffi got some sun.

When she came out, she was–as she so often is–simply stunning. Pale, yes, but curvy in all the right places. They had flip-flops and towels and sunglasses, and iPods and magazines in beach bags. Tim had recently cleared and cleaned the beach for the season, and I quickly made up two sipper bottles with ice water and away they strutted. There was nobody else on the beach, but I thought if there had been any males around–other than Tim–they would have gotten whiplash. Tim watched their cute little butts wiggle and then turned and grinned at me and gave me a thumbs-up.

I went back inside thinking about that thumbs-up. Since Tim knew Steffi’s secret and Tina still didn’t, the sign had been a tribute to Steffi’s development …her development, I should say, but also to this week’s visit with Dr. Hastert. She’d mentioned a procedure once that could ease Steffi’s fears of discovery. After all, she still does have a penis. Her testicles have been up inside her abdomen for months now–I hadn’t known that but learned about it from the doctor–but there still is the ‘boy-bit’ and I know she hates it but has to wait.

So Dr. Hastert’s procedure came up again–I brought it up–and it didn’t take much convincing for Steffi to go for it. We scheduled an extra-long visit, and in the little surgical suite off Dr. Hastert’s office, she did some magic to a stoned Steffi. It involved manipulation of the penis and empty scrotal sacs, a surgical glue gun, a catheter, and Twilight Sleep, for obvious reasons. I brought the numbed and drowsy girl home and got her to bed, but that night she excitedly pulled down her panties and showed me …well, what looked like her vagina. From even a foot away there was absolutely no doubt she looked perfectly female. Standing legs apart with no dangling boy-bit, she did a little shimmy and everything looked great. I got closer, and closer, and closer, and was stunned that only when she used her fingers to gently pull things apart, once I was about six inches from her groin …only then could I tell that her anatomy was different–but not really different from all the varieties of vaginas I’d seen over the years. And when she pulled her panties up, she was absolutely indistinguishable from a naturally-born girl!

Which meant that she has the confidence to wear the tiny pink string bikini bottoms–and skimpy top barely holding her increasingly-full breasts–that Tina brought. It was going to be a glorious summer for her, and that procedure pretty much eliminates any fear of discovery.

6/12

I can’t believe it. I can’t believe it! Aaron asked me out. I freaked. No other word for it; I freaked out, on so many levels. He knows about Steven and Stephanie, obviously, so that’s not a problem to him. He’s been our lawyer in the documentation hearings but is not my lawyer, per se. I’ve still got Larry Newman in town for my legal affairs with the inn and Aaron says he’s a very good guy. Aaron said the documents are all in place so there’s no more business between us. And so he asked me out.

Mark had been my world. The world itself was better because Mark was in it. And when that God-damned–and I mean it that way–that God-damned cancer took him from me, from the world …I died, too. I really did. I was dead to the world, and I think I’ve written that it was largely Tim that brought me back from the blackness. Tim’s gentle, patient wisdom got me functioning again. But I was marking time, just occupying space in the world, until my sister died. Then I was so alone …until Steffi came into my life. However twisted or weird the circumstances that transformed my distant, miserable, juvenile delinquent nephew into my pretty, vivacious niece …I was fully back in the world now. Mark is not a memory, fading. He’s still strong in my heart and soul. But I’d already come to deal with my life with him–and losing him –as Then. This is Now. My new life with my niece is Now. And with her I have a …I guess I’ll call it Yet To Come. Like in A Christmas Carol.

And then in the middle of my Now, Aaron Summerfield asks me out. Steffi could tell. That girl …I don’t know, is she telepathic? But out of nowhere, one day, she said, ‘I think Aaron’s gonna ask you out. You should go out with him, Andonna.’

I pointed out that: A) That was my decision, and B) She was crazy.

Well, I’m eating crow because he asked me out.

And I said yes.

Which led to all the self-doubt. Oh, God; should I do this? Can I do this? What am I going to wear? Oh, God, what if he tries to kiss me? And that instant, the instant that I thought that, I could tell I was okay. Deeply terrified, yes, but okay. Because if I was thinking about a kiss from him–and I am–then I’m healing. Maybe not healed yet, from the wound of Mark’s loss, but I’m healing.

6/22

Finally got contacted by some dweeb with Debbie’s insurance company, two days ago. He went into a droning explanation about the policy, contingencies, exceptions, exclusive clauses, non-inclusive clauses–aren’t they the same thing, I thought?–and this and that and finally that a certified letter was on its way, just a routine; please sign and return for disbursement, blah-blah-blah, thank you for your time and good-bye.

Today the letter came …well, a thick sheaf of papers in a stiff white envelope that I’d had to sign for. My eyes began glazing over by the second paragraph. Aaron came over for a picnic so I asked him whether I should involve Larry Newman in it and Aaron said he’d take a look. Truth be told, I was a little miffed at first, because the document seemed to suck him right in. Things have been going nicely between us after that first date, when I’d been so nervous that I giggled the whole damn night. And we were going to take advantage of my owning my own beach to have our first casual date …and here he was poring over this damn letter.

Finally he looked up with his business face. ‘Donna, they’re trying to screw you. This is only the tip of the iceberg, but if you sign this back, they keep the berg and you get a couple of ice cubes.’ I thought he was exaggerating and he pointed out it wasn’t what they were saying, it was what they weren’t saying. And then offering me a buy-out ‘to save me time, effort, and expenses at this trying time’. It was silly boilerplate, because it pertained to my grieving, my mourning period–which certainly didn’t apply to my sister’s long-time-dead criminal husband! I asked Aaron if it was a conflict of interest for him and he said to ease my fears, he recommended that I turn it over to Larry but he’d like to be there to brief him. I knew that Larry didn’t know about Dave and Debbie so I figured it’d be okay.

The picnic got underway and it was heavenly, sitting with him and just chatting, and as we packed up, we were folding the blanket together and came towards each other with the ends of the blanket and I kissed him, just a peck, a quick thank-you without thinking. He was startled, and I realized what I’d done, and then dropped the blanket and I was in his arms and our lips met and …that was that.

I guess it really would be a conflict of interest now, because Aaron is ‘my fella’!

That’s the term a grinning Steffi used, smug because she said she knew it all along. Maybe she did; that girl’s a wonder. She’s tanning nicely and there’s no scarring; the doctors were that good. Her legs are stronger; yesterday I saw her actually try ascamper on the beach, her cute round butt barely covered by her new bikini. After that first timid time on the beach, she and Tina have gone to the mall and now Steffi has a growing collection of bikinis. One maillot, I think, but no thongs yet, thank goodness. Only a matter of time, though …

Also got the first routine letter from what will be Steffi’s school in the fall. We had a little debate about that; she said maybe she should continue being tutored. She tried to be rational and reasonable in her arguments but I know that it’s just fear. Fortunately she’s been spending time with Tina at the mall, among other teen girls, but I’m beginning to feel guilty about how much time Tina is spending here, but I know she genuinely loves Steffi. And Darryl’s being more understanding as he’s working on his new self, so I should relax.

7/6

We had a fantastic Fourth, great business and lots of happy customers. And tired staff, especially after the cleanup the next day. There had been a barge offshore with fireworks, but people brought their own–even though they weren’t supposed to–and left spent sparklers and whistlers and packaging all over our beach. We got it all bagged and then Tim and I–with Steffi–hosted a barbecue for my small group of employees and their families.

And what do you know? Eduardo’s son is a very attractive sixteen-year-old, a baseball and debating team star, and he couldn’t take his eyes off my niece. And I could tell that she was interested, by how clumsy she was. And giggly. And finally I pulled her aside and said, ‘Daniel is a very nice boy. You’ve been very helpful here and deserve a break. And I know he loves corn-on-the-cob, and root beer. So here’s a plate and a cold can from the bottom,’ I said as I pulled it out of the cooler and handed it to her, gently spun her and gave her a little push towards Daniel, who stared at her, his eyes sparkling in our campfire.

I may regret that little push, but Daniel is a good kid, and the doctor said she needed to socialize …

I saw them later in the evening, walking the water’s edge, hands in pockets and chatting. So far so good. Steffi feeling good about herself as a female will be so important when she goes to school, and I did sort of win that argument; she’s going to public school this fall.

Aaron arrived, apologetic at being later than he wanted but had a deposition to take. Or give. I’m going to have to learn more legal terms, because, well …I think Aaron’s going to be around for awhile, and that suits me just fine. We sat on the back porch, in that huge hanging swing, watching the night on the water, and Daniel and Steffi walked out of the darkness. He’d removed his hoodie and placed it around her shoulders; her arms were folded under her breasts in the way of cold females everywhere. Other than that, they weren’t touching. There’s room on the huge swing, and Aaron sat on one end so I snuggled up to him–as if I needed an excuse!–and patted the swing next to me. Daniel gallantly held a hand; Steffi took it and lowered herself as if she’d done it all her life. I felt Aaron squeeze my shoulder in acknowledgement; he’d seen it, too.

The four of us swung slowly and chatted a bit; Daniel said that down the far end of the beach, they’d found a bird that was trapped in the wire from a cheap Catherine’s Wheel. He’d been worried about bites, but Steffi had immediately kneeled down and freed the bird, gentling it with soft words, and then held it lightly in both hands and told it to go home to its family. She released the bird on the sand and stood back and after an experimental flutter, the bird took off. I could tell by the tone of Daniel’s voice that he was proud and intrigued and maybe already a little in love with Steffi. For her part, her eyes were large and luminous when she looked at him.

Daniel had his own car and would drive himself home; Aaron and I excused ourselves and said goodnight. But we’re not dummies; we went into the kitchen and I made us some cocoa. After awhile we heard a car start; we looked at each other, worried, but then Steffi came in, her arms still crossed, and sat down. I poured a cup of cocoa for her and set it in front of her, gently squeezing her shoulder.

‘Wow,’ she said, as in a daze.

We were both silent. Steffi looked at us. ‘Is it like that for you two?’

I looked at Aaron and something inside me …tipped. It slid into place. This was right, the three of us sitting here. This was–maybe–my new family. I reached over and took Aaron’s hand, and looked into his eyes. ‘Yep,’ I said, grinning. ‘Wow’.

Aaron made a show of thinking hard and said, ‘After much cogitation, I would have to stipulate: Wow.’ We all giggled at that and I truly could not remember the last time I have been so relaxed and happy.

Our family …

The next morning–today–was a regular work day for everybody. Steffi spent hours on her new laptop–did I mention the Hostess present I got for her at that new computer superstore?–but now she could be found anywhere. Tim had put up something he called a router–the two of them have been thick as thieves lately, only presenting me with shopping lists–and so our inn and all the cabins have Wi-Fi. And once Steffi tested them all, we advertised that service on the website. It was funny for a time, when she was testing the range; I’d come out and ask, ‘Anybody seen Steffi?’ and Bonnie would say, ‘I think she’s in Two’ and Tim would say, ‘I saw her headed towards Six’.

Today I found her on the hanging swing and I’d been doing calls all morning and went out with some ice tea for a break. We rocked gently; Steffi quietly tapping away and me sipping, and then I realized she’d stopped typing and was staring at the water.

‘I wish Mom could be here,’ she said almost under her breath.

‘Me, too,’ I said.

She might have thought she’d insulted me–she hadn’t–but she quickly said, ‘I absolutely love being with you, Andonna. I just wish Mom didn’t have to die; it’s so nice here and everything and I just …I just wish she was here with us to enjoy it.’

‘Me, too, Stephanie,’ I said, using her full name in a loving way.

After a time she said, ‘Do you think she’d be okay with me? You know, okay with …how I am?’

I was surprised she said that. Hadn’t she already told Dr. Hastert that she knew her mother was trying to change her into a girl? Had she been fooling both of us? She read my mind, as usual.

‘Mom was …hoping I’d turn out okay. Better than Steven, that’s for sure. She never got to know–I never got to tell her–how much better I could be. I never got to show her how much better I am …’

Gently, to not upset her, I asked, ‘How much of a girl did you tell her you wanted to be?’ Awkwardly phrased, I know, but it worked.

Steffi frowned–and even that she does prettily. ‘See, the thing is …or was …that I was such a–jerk.’ She’d been about to say something stronger. ‘I knew that I was a girl. I told this to Dr. Hastert; I don’t think I ever told it to you, but I knew that I was a girl by the time I started pre-school. Or pretty well guessed, but definitely knew it by kindergarten, when they put boys over there and girls over there.’ She nodded once, firmly. ‘Knew it then.’

She hadn’t been lying to the doctor! I didn’t want to disturb the flow, so I just nodded and said, ‘Hmm’.

She looked out over the lake. ‘But the boy I was …the guy I pretending to be …if I came right out and told Mom that I wanted to be a girl, back then, she’d try to figure out what angle I was working, with that look of hers.’

‘I know that look,’ I smiled softly, sadly. ‘Kind of a head-tilt, slightly squinting?’ Steffi was smiling and nodding. I said, ‘And that thing with her mouth …’

Steffi chuckled. ‘Like she’s tasting something sour! Yeah. That look. When I was …lying and stealing and stuff, I learned quickly to recognize that she hadn’t bought the lie. And the thing is …being a girl was so important to me that I couldn’t risk getting the look and having her dismiss the whole thing. So I …worked her. Like a con. I feel crummy about it, but …it had to be done.’

She’d sighed sadly after she’d said the last part; it was like the sigh and sound of somebody telling about their decision to have their dog euthanized.

I asked, ‘How’d you do it?’

‘I tried the reverse thing once, like yelling, ‘What, are you trying to make me be a girl?’ and she’d just asked about picking up my room or something. Something trivial. And then one of the nurses she worked with, a guy I ran with wanted to grab her purse …We’d already …’

Now her pretty face was twisted with agony. ‘We’d already hit a couple of purses–bagging the bags, he called it.’ She dropped her head and shook it. ‘I was getting deeper and deeper, and hating myself more and more …’ Her head rose with a sniff. ‘Anyway, I told him to hold off because I knew her and he stormed off and I talked with her a little bit because she’d seen me, and the conversation moved around to the right point and I got to kind of …nudging her into the mindset.’

‘The mindset?’

She nodded. ‘To feminize me. For Mom to, I mean. I couldn’t think of any way to get the information directly to Mom. I’d already done a bunch of searching on the internet but I couldn’t very well lay a stack of printouts on Mom’s lap and say, ‘Read these, get these pills, and I can begin to be your daughter’. It just took a long time, a lot of little nudges. And, ultimately, I think she knew.’

‘She knew? Or you’re not sure? Did she say anything?’

‘It was one of those weird things where, you know something, I know you know something, and you know that I know that you know …on and on, round and round, but you never openly say it. But she was freaking, because–‘

Suddenly she turned to face me directly and her voice changed. ‘You know she was getting set to run, don’t you?’

I nodded slowly.

Steffi relaxed. ‘It wasn’t Dave so much–and I’m calling him that instead of Dad to put it from her point of view. Dave was gone and back and gone and back and then gone …but there were guys after that. We were pretty sure our house had been broken into–searched, I guess–at least twice, although nothing was missing. And there were phone calls all hours, guys at the door looking for Dave, cops at the door looking for Dave, and all the time we just said he was off on a sales trip.’

My throat tightened, thinking of my poor sister. I’d thought they were living a quiet life alone; I’d even thought that maybe she was just paranoid and Steven wasn’t the problem that she made him out to be. But purse snatching? And he’d only been, what, eleven or twelve? And the harassment? Searches? My sister had been holding out against a siege! No wonder she’d planned to run with Steven.

From all that Steffi had revealed, I realized that Debbie hadn’t openly discussed Steven becoming Stephanie because things were moving faster and out of control. I realized her plan must have been to give her child what she knew her child wanted, but keeping quiet about it and timing it so they could disappear as the pills made their presence known. Once they were safely away they could sit down and have a mother-and-new-daughter discussion about Steven’s feminine nature. The main thing was to slip away as unobtrusively and quickly as possible–and the drunk driver had killed her before she could. But she’d taken her last strength to write me the letter, only she hadn’t been able to tell me everything. And then she was gone.

I thought it all through as we slowly swung, looking across the lake and into our own hearts. At last, I smiled and gently answered Steffi’s original question. ‘Honey, she’d be absolutely delighted. Delighted isn’t even a strong enough word for it. She’d be deliriously happy, and so proud of you.’

There was a long silence and then Steffi’s voice trembled as she said, ‘I want to make her proud.’

I told her that she makes me proud, and she looked at me and then back at the water.

After a time, she said, ‘Thank you. I love you, Andonna. And I don’t know if I’ve ever said anything to you for …what you’ve done for me. But, thank you; thank you.’

I told her, ‘You’re welcome. And I love you, too.’

It was a lovely shared moment and, of course, things got wacky about an hour later. I got a call from Larry Newman, my attorney. He seemed both angry and laughing at the same time. He had information about Debbie’s insurance policy. Actually, it was a joint policy with Debbie and Dave. I’m not sure, but from the way Larry described it, Dave had done something pretty wonderful. He’d used his knowledge of scams and empty contracts, as well as his criminal nature detecting the weasel-y nature of the insurance company and choosing them specifically so he could exploit their weasel-y nature through loopholes and actuarial probabilities. Larry was angry at what the insurance company had tried to pull with that letter they wanted me to sign, and laughing at Dave’s audacity at taking on the company–but on his own terms.

There’s a wonderful old film classic called Double Indemnity, about a wife who takes out an insurance policy on her husband. She seduces the insurance guy who writes it and they get a ‘double indemnity’ clause where the pay was double if the husband died a certain way …on a train somehow, I vaguely remember. The wife convinces the insurance guy to help kill the husband that way and they’d split the money. Great movie.

As I understand it, what Dave had done was push for similar clauses. Insurance policies are based on actuarial tables that calculate the probability of this type of accident or this type of death under that circumstance. You’re more likely to die in a car accident than in your bathtub, for instance, although bathtubs are danger zones, apparently. Anyway, Dave was a criminal and knew that at any time he might be jailed or killed, so he’d found a way to insert a clause for ‘incarceration leading to income loss’, believe it or not. But since the insurance company thought he was a traveling salesman, they allowed a clause about death more than 100 miles from home. They allowed a clause if he predeceased Debbie. He found enough little loopholes here and there that he could exploit.

I’m thinking that Dave got this policy early in their marriage, in the good times, and he wanted Debbie protected and taken care of if anything happened to him. Well, it did; it just took years to shake out the truth. And it was that faulty tail light that started the shaking. The upshot of it all, according to Larry, is that the insurance company owes Dave and Debbie’s beneficiary $500,000. Half a million to her sister Donna–me! Steven was not named a beneficiary, which shocked me at first but Larry showed the original policy date to be a year before Steven was born. All these years the policy lay dormant. I learned from Aaron that things would have gotten very sticky if Steven were named in the will, since there wasn’t a Steven anymore. Larry only knew about my niece Stephanie so I didn’t even breathe the name Steven around him.

Larry was going full-press on this one to get the money as soon as possible, because he was outraged that they’d tried to get me to sign away the whole deal without informing me of the sum. He’s going to have fun taking them on. Stunned, I told him to ‘go for it’.

7/23

Okay, this will be the last regular entry because I’ll be out of the country–we’ll be out of the country. Things have been moving fast. The insurance company caved almost instantly once Larry pressured back, and two days ago my account was wired over $400,000, after fees and taxes. I paid Larry with a smile and a thank you kiss, and there was a flurry of bank business to take care of.

It took some persuading of Dr. Hastert, but she finally agreed that even though it’s been a shockingly short time, Steffi meets all the physical and emotional criteria for sexual reassignment surgery. The only problem were the Protocols in place that required living full-time as a girl for a full year before moving on, and no genital surgery until eighteen. That would mean three more years until the operation could occur that we all know she’s going to get, that we all know she wants, and that we all know she deserves.

Reluctantly–or at least pretending to be reluctant–Dr. Hastert made it known that she knew a surgeon in Thailand who was one of the two or three best in the world. There was no compunction about patient age, only the patient’s ability to pay. Thanks to Dave, her father, taking out that crazy policy, I had the money to pay for my niece’s surgery. The timing was right for recovery, and Dr. Hastert, playing the ‘just hypothetical’ game, made the call and set things up.

The huge plus for me was that Aaron surprised me by saying he’d come along, if I didn’t mind. I was hesitant at first because I didn’t want to distract from Steffi, but she cried, ‘Are you nuts, Andonna? Of course he can come. I want him there. You want him there, and I hope nothing happens but if it does, we might need a good attorney. And I’ll be unconscious for awhile and you’ll get lonely. And think of what you’re saving in long-distance telephone costs!’

So that decided it. I’m leaving the inn in the capable hands of Tim with a clear conscience. Since we’ll be gone for weeks, our cover story is that we’re going to Indonesia, not specifically Thailand, for a short tour, but that Steffi got one of those debilitating Asian diseases while on the tour and had to be hospitalized and had to heal enough to fly back. She’ll have enough time to recover and be ready for school. Tina will miss Steffi and isn’t quite clear why we’re taking a vacation in the middle of the summer, but I think she’s okay with it. She and Darryl seem to have reignited their marriage; I think his confidence is building; he’s a department manager already at Home Depot and he did it all on his own.

Tomorrow my beloved niece-who-was-my-nephew and I will start the first of several flights. Aaron will drive us but is coming a day later, due to a trial date. Steffi has packed everything and I’ve just kissed her goodnight; she was so pretty in the yellow babydoll set Tina found for her. This will be her last night sleeping as a boy-girl in her room. A month ago I removed the hidden speaker and yesterday I had the bright idea of putting new labels over the CDs, making them look like they’re a dry business accounting lecture series. They’re all in a sealed bag in the back of my safe. To my relief, there was no change at all in Steffi with the discontinuation of the sleep-listening. Everything points up to the releasing of the girl that was always there, rather than the imposition of a girl onto a boy. I’ve spent enough hours with Dr. Hastert to have a clear conscience about the CDs–although I never breathed a word of them to her–and I have absolutely no doubt that this upcoming surgery is the right thing for Steffi.

When we return next month, I know that my new-found love for Aaron will be stronger, and that our growing sense of family will be strengthened by the certainty that my niece Stephanie is my niece. She will be able to fulfill her mother’s dream for her, and her dreams for herself, as the true beneficiary of her mother’s last wish: To fully be the girl she was always meant to be.

The End