I've been thinking hard about why I have such a hard time sometimes with the idea of moving forward. It has a lot of factors - a lot of fear of losing my child, some general anxiety about the necessity of this transition, to name two. But one major factor is the fact that the closer I get to being female, the closer I get to the heart of my abuse. It was the justification my attacker used for his use of me, and it led to me making a connection between being girly and being hurt. I hope I can move past that part, eventually.
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I hope so too.
Being feminine or female doesn't have to mean being weak or getting hurt. Being a "girly" female doesn't either.
I've not personally gone through any truly severe abuse, though arguably the shrink who convinced me being a feminine guy was wrong abused me, so I can't really relate.
I can say from knowing other people who have faced severe abuse that it CAN be overcome. You will never be rid of the painful memory, but it's possible for the pain to subside enough that you can move past it. It's still there, the people I've known are forever scarred, emotionally, if nothing else, but they're able to live their lives fully despite it.
Arguably, they've become stronger people for having overcome it than those who never have to face it. You too, can become a stronger person. Just keep believing it. Keep working on becoming who you know you really are, whoever that is. You don't need to define yourself by what other people say or do. Define yourself the way you want to.
Abigail Drew.
Dear heart....
...between what I've remembered and what my therapist and I have worked out, I can say that I was abused because of my identification/demeanor as a girl. And I'm in the midst of dealing with that. I am confident that you will move past that as well! You are a woman by design, if only inwardly at first, and what was done to you does not change that fact one iota. I will say, however, that dealing with these issues begs for face-to-face support via group and individual therapy, as you well know. Any of us who can identify with being abused and have simultaneous gender issues will be well served to get help to deal with the hurt and the understandable but erroneous confusion between victimization and gender identity.
I continue to pray, as I know others are praying as well, for your recovery and your ongoing transition into the person you were called to be before you were born! Much love to you, dear sister.
Dio vi benedica tutti
Con grande amore e di affetto
Andrea Lena
Love, Andrea Lena
much love back, 'Drea
thanks so much for all the support and prayers. I'm praying for you too.
Dorothycolleen
Always moving
At one point in my therapy we discussed the origins of my being a girl. We talked about my emotional abuse, jealousy of my little sister, lots of things.
We (I) finally came to the conclusion that it didn't really matter. Not that the abuse didn't need to be dealt with, but that it was how I feel now that would drive my decisions and ultimate transition.
We talked a lot about family and whether they would support me. The conclusion was (and is) that we can not control how other people feel. Did some turn their backs? Yes, and it hurts like hell. Still, I am much better off being me than trying to hold on to the old charade.
You also have to realize that nothing stays secret forever. There will be a time when your daughter will find out. Your honesty with her may have a great influence on your future relationship.
We are always moving. Sometimes forward, sometimes back. I doubt that you will be able to maintain the status quo for very long.
You know the torment of where you've been. The question is whether you believe that moving forward will make things better.
I decided to more forward, and despite the difficulties and hurt, I am much better off.
Wishing you the best result possible,
Janet
Mistress of the Guild of Evil [Strawberry] Blonde Proofreaders
To be or not to be... ask Schrodinger's cat.
Janet
Mistress of the Guild of Evil [Strawberry] Blonde Proofreaders
To be or not to be... ask Schrodinger's cat.
the source of my reluctance to complete a transtition
I Pray that you find the Peace that you deserve.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
"This will make a man out of you"
Every time I was abused I heard two phrases. 1. " I love you" and 2/"this will make a man out of you."
I transitioned completely in 2006, based on the same fears that you have. I heard a new phrase and it has stuck with me "There are no wrong answers." I am who I am and am made by the same creator that made others. Isaiah 55 versus 8 and nine "Gods thoughts are not our thoughts and Gods way are not our ways."
I went though a horrendous divorce, where my exes attorney hid my daughter for four months, and then did his best to try and get visitation denied. I got visitation above the normal most fathers get. My exes attorney was admonished by letter to the Lawyers review board.
I had a few other battles and ended up having the judge reported to the judicial review board.
My daughter is now 23 and resides with me.
I believe in prayer and in talking to God on a daily basis.
At one point during the divorce the judge deemed it illegal for me to discuss my gender Identity disorder when my daughter was near me and I was to put my wardrobe under lock and key, I sent a copy of the judges decree to the ACLU and they in turn became the watchdogs of my divorce. The state I live in was informed that the ACLU was particularily interested in my case.
I year later i was back in court for contempt of a lawful writ. I had the final divorce decree and custody, visitation decree. That judge was the one who went under legal review because he gave legal advice from the bench. He is not under the canons of law allowed to give legal advice.
I'll keep you in prayer and ask that you speak to God daily and pray for his guidance. He is not against transgendered persons.
Jill Micayla
Be kinder than necessary,Because everyone you meet
Is fighting some kind of battle.
Jill Micayla
Be kinder than necessary,Because everyone you meet
Is fighting some kind of battle.
Dear heart...
...I do pray for victory. You haven't discussed this in so long, so please forgive me if this is going over old territory. Having a therapist who is certified or has experience in traumatology will be of immense help. It's in the integration of the memory that it loses it's power as it's cosigned to rest of your memories. The sadness and the anger you feel are normal, and you'll have that even as the memories lose their hold. But they can only lose their hold if they are dealt with head on. As my therapist continues to remind me, there's nothing you can do to evoke them other than any triggers that you'll experience, and there's nothing you can do to prevent them from being called to memory.
I'm saying this, not only for your benefit, but especially if you've already found help, for the benefit of those of us who are dealing with PTSD. If you don't have a diagnosis as yet, find someone who can help you with that. This stuff won't just go away on its own, sadly, but there is help, and I can safely say after having the worst memories I've ever had this week, that there is victory; one day at a time. God Bless.
Dio vi benedica tutti
Con grande amore e di affetto
Andrea Lena
Love, Andrea Lena