What was lost…
copyright 2011 Faeriemage
Treasure is in the eye of the beholder, and no this isn't a D&D reference.

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AUTHOR'S NOTE: Sorry for the delay. Had an hour or two to finish the final 3/4^ths of this so I figured I'd get it posted.

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"So, you don't think that maybe you're just putting on an act with what you think of as feminine mannerisms?"

Harriet had come back at me in multiple different ways on the same theme. Was I just pretending to be a girl? Somehow I thought that I'd get a shot, get checked off as well adjusted, and I'd be on my way home. People already accepted me as a girl, and it would just continue that way. I'd grow breasts and then…ok I had no idea how things progressed from there, but then again I'd never looked up anything on the subject. It simply hadn't occurred to me that this was…me.

Ok, so Julie tried to tell me that I was different and get me to see her therapist.

As a side note, I have no idea why Julie was seeing a therapist.

"As far as I'm aware I don't have any mannerisms that I'm really putting on for anyone. I just act like myself and dress like a girl. People think I'm a girl and I can live with that. I'd like to match what I apparently seem to be."

Harriet looked thoughtful for a minute, "so, you're telling me that you have not changed your behavior at all? Most guys don't sit with their legs together like that."

"It's a very tight skirt. I couldn't spread my legs if I tried right now. Heck, it's really fun to walk."

"But sitting with your knees off to the side like that? It's a very feminine pose."

"It's comfortable."

"You're voice?"

"Yeah, you know that it's me."

I could tell she was getting frustrated, so I decided to try to cut her a little slack.

"Harriet, people have thought I was a girl for years now. They have called me 'miss' and 'lady' and other less complimentary things. Up until a couple of weeks ago, I just corrected them and went about my life. Then something happened. I started pretending to be a girl. Or more specifically I stopped pretending, in my head, to be a boy.

"It was strange. Suddenly I was connecting with people like I hadn't in the past. There wasn't this self imposed wall between us anymore. Other girls seemed to be more comfortable around me and guys started, well, noticing me," I blushed considering some of the notice that Brad had been paying me.

"A specific boy?"

"Yeah."

"Is he the reason…"

"No, nothing like that. I'm a girl, Harriet. Maybe not physically, but emotionally and mentally. I am a girl."

She smiled at me and made a calming gesture, "I didn't mean to let you think that I was going to stop you. I wouldn't have let you take the estrogen shot earlier if I had any doubts. Well, I might have, since one shot isn't going to make much difference, but not more than that. Jackie, I see you sitting here and I don't see a boy. I'm trying but there isn't anything about your behavior that suggests you are anything other than what you seem."

The rest of my session was more conventional, if you can call talking about being a different gender between your ears than between your legs as conventional. We talked a little about Brad and Sadie and all of my other friends. It was a pleasant conversation.

She even gave me some pretty graphic details about the surgeries I could expect after my real life test. You know, living like a female. She didn't think it was funny when I joked that I'd been living as a girl my entire life without realizing it. Yeah, she didn't ok my fast track to surgery.

Harriet and I set another appointment for Tuesday of next week, after which I rode the bus home. It was a pleasant trip and I was getting used to public transit.

The phone was ringing when I arrived home.

"Jackie speaking," I said as I answered. I still hadn't gotten around to purchasing a cell phone, so the home phone was my only link to anyone else. Most everyone I knew called me here.

"Jake?"

The voice was instantly familiar, and I felt my face begin to heat up. "Julie, hi."

"I had an interesting talk with Matt recently. It took me this long to track you down. Your mom still thinks you live in the dorm and answer to Jake."

"Yeah, about that…"

"So why Jackie? There are so many other names that are a lot prettier."

"Wait, what?"

"I would have chosen Tammy for you personally."

"You're kidding, right? Tammy? Why not Liara while you're at it."

"There is nothing wrong with the name Liara."

"Other than the fact that all of your important female NPCs are named Liara."

She chuckled for a moment before continuing.

"So, Jackie…"

"Because someone in my Math course thought that Jake was short for Jacqueline."

"You're kidding."

"Nope. What did you tell Matt?"

"I told him that the only person I knew that was out here was you. He said there's no way that you would ever look that hot."

I blushed to the roots of my hair, and I was glad that I was talking to Julie over the phone where only vocal queues would give me away.

"Wait, it was you, wasn't it? You were out at a Harvard bar with an older woman. And dressed like a girl to boot."

"I am a girl, Julie, or so you always told me."

"Wait, you're…who are you and what did you do with the real Jake."

"It's me, Julie. Apparently I have a developmental problem of some sort. They told me I'd have to go on hormones or I'd suffer worse problems, and then, because I was dressed like a girl at the time offered me a choice."

"Wait, you were dressed like a girl?"

I blushed again but said, "Yes."

I then proceeded to relate the entire history of what I'd been going through since I arrived at school. Talking about this made me realize that I hadn't seen Brad since Saturday. I told Julie about Brad at that point, and how confusing he was.

He must have heard me because he chose that moment to show up. "I'm not avoiding you, Jake."

"I'm Jackie, Brad."

"Are you? Really? I mean, other than that killer haircut you still look like my former roommate."

I didn't know why I suddenly felt like crying. It felt as though his words were a knife in my gut. I said goodbye to Julie and went to my room. What was the point if every time I turned around the man that I…no, I couldn't be thinking that. I didn't know Brad well enough. Sure, he was hot, and a wonderful kisser, a truly amazing kisser really, but that wasn't enough. He was showing me his true colors every time he cut me down or…

The door opening cut my thoughts off and I looked up. Brad stood there in the doorway. Half of me wanted to yell at him to get out, but the other half wanted to be held and never let go. That part got what it wanted. He sat down behind me and put his arms around me from behind. I put my hands on his arm and turned my cheek to his chest.

"I'm sorry, Jackie. This is so weird to me. I know I'm not gay, but you haunt every waking moment and it's almost as hard to be with you as it is to be without."

"I'm not a lesbian, Brad. I'm heterosexual, just like you are."

"Wait…what?"

"I'm a girl, Brad. No, not physically, but that hardly matters. I'm not really interested in having sex with you."

He started to pull away, but I held on. I wasn't very strong, I knew that, so the only reason he didn't get free was he wasn't trying very hard.

"I've seen you naked, Jackie."

"I know, and I plan on changing all of that. I'm at least starting to."

"I don't understand."

"I'm taking hormones. For the first time in my life I'll actually be going through puberty."

"Won't that make you…"

"Female hormones, Brad."

"Oh…"

Then I had to hold on because he went a little slack. I'm not sure up to that point he'd ever considered that as an option.

"Look, I'll tell you straight out. I like you, ok, Brad? A lot. I don't know when friendship turned into wanting more with me, but it did. This is your parachute, ok? I want to let you know everything so you can jump if you want to. I don't want you ever resenting me."

"I couldn't…"

"Harriet, my therapist, thought it would be a good idea if I did this. She said that she has seen too many women like me hurt by their partners."

"I wouldn't…"

"Wouldn't you, Brad? You hurt me deeply within the past couple of weeks. Not physically, but emotionally."

"I'm sorry. I never meant to."

"I know you didn't. or we would be having a very different conversation."

His arms were around me again and I just luxuriated in the feel of him. His strength radiated into me, and I just wanted to sit there forever in his embrace. But like all mortal things, this too would have to come to an end.

"I'll never be able to bear your children, Brad."

"What? I thought you said."

"Right now, sure. Eventually I want you to marry me, silly."

"Is that even possible? I mean the whole gay marriage thing…"

"Brad, what did I tell you? I'm a woman. Remember that."

"Sorry, this is all so new to me."

"You think it's any easier for me?"

He squeezed me and gave me a peck on the cheek, and I lost a little time again just being held by this man. This flawed, imperfect man who owned my heart so completely.

"It will be at least a year before I will match physically with what I seem to be. I'd prefer to wait for anything beyond kissing until then."

"What happens in a year?"

"I can get surgery to correct the mistake in my sex."

He pushed me away, and I thought I'd just revolted him completely, but he turned me around to look into my face.

"You mean they're going to cut off…"

"Not that they ever did me much use before now."

"You're a virgin?"

"Yes, Brad. I'm a virgin."

He blushed and smiled at me. Then, after a moment or two, he began to laugh.

"It's not funny, Brad."

"Yes it is. I'm a virgin as well."

"But…"

"Never found the right girl. When you started featuring in my dreams I really thought that I might be…well, never mind. You know what I was thinking. But it's this female in front of me that really makes me want…"

He lowered me to the bed, and I felt his weight as he began to kiss me. I wanted to give into him completely right there, but the moment I got a chance to breathe, I pushed him back and said, Brad, no. Not right now."

"But, Jackie…"

"I'm not ready yet, ok?"

He grumbled something and started adjusting himself.

"What?"

"I said you really are a girl."

I giggled at him and he began to laugh. I kissed him and he kissed me back. When I felt him begin to get a little pushy I backed up again.

We were both breathing a little hard that time.

"Brad, I think I need some air."

"I know what you mean. Look, I need to think a bit, okay?" With that he got up and left the room. I glanced at his pants as he was leaving and they were tighter than when he came in originally. It hurt to see him go, and I wished for a moment that I could have taken back my words. I wanted him there to just hold me again, but it was too late for that.

I really wanted someone to talk to at that moment. Someone estrogen enriched who would understand what I was going through. Sadie or Julie came to mind, but that would mean calling someone on the phone and being out in the main living area where anyone could overhear my conversation.

I went to sleep confused, and woke up the next morning the same. The day went pretty well until I got home. There was a notice from the housing department at the school saying that I'd have to move out as it had come to their attention that I wasn't male.

I thought about fighting it for the rest of the day, and most of Friday. They wanted me moved out by no later than Tuesday.

I went into the office after class on Friday to see what could be done.

The girl behind the counter when I got to the head of the line was pretty, and seemed intelligent and bored. I explained what was going on only to be interrupted as soon as the information came up on her screen. "Oh, we're sorry about this letter. It seems that someone complained that there was a girl living in the house. We checked, though, and it seems that the person who they thought was a girl was actually a guy."

"No, I'm a girl, just not physically."

"Wait, but.."

"Hi, I'm Jackie Peters."

"Jacob…"

"I prefer Jackie."

"We have here that you're male."

"Working on rectifying that."

"Oh. Um."

"I realize this makes you uncomfortable. I was just wondering what we could do to fix this?"

"Well, um, I would normally suggest the dorms, but, well…"

"So, I'm female enough to be kicked out, but not to have a place in the dorms?"

I admit I was raising my voice a bit. The girls manager came over to see what the fuss was.

"Can I help you?"

"Yes, I was told I couldn't have a place in the dorms. You are telling me I'll be put on academic probation if I don't move out of where I am now."

I handed the letter to him.

"Put her in the dorms, then."

"But, sir."

"There are two choices, Beth. We leave her where she is, or let her move into the dorms. Which do you think will be less disruptive?"

I was given a room key and I left smiling.

I hired a van for the afternoon and parked it in front of the house. The guys helped me, except for Brad who was conspicuously absent, and they even drove with me to the new place. Since the beginning of school they'd just finished a new quad of dorms, and I was moving in there. The number of people moving in and out with packages suggested I wasn't the only one moving in this weekend.

I got waves from people I'd seen in passing or in my classes and waved back. I smiled at the people around me, feeling like I actually fit here for the first time. Sure, I'd been coming to class for weeks now, but finally I actually felt like a part of it all.

It wasn't until I got into the room and was putting away my stuff that I actually began to worry. I began seeing a repeat of the questions that I got with Brad, about how I really didn't fit my roommates world view.

The door opened and a force of nature swept in.

"Hi, I'm Wendy," the girl said over her shoulder. She dropped a box off on her bed and swept out again. I was just barely registering that there had been someone in the room when she was back and dropping off another box.

"You need help with that?"

"No, I've got it," and like that she was off again. In and out and in for about ten minutes and then, just as quickly, the boxes disappeared into her closet and shelves. When she was done, she walked over to examine my side of the room.

"Love your clothes. I'll have to borrow some of them sometime."

I just looked at her in shock. I'd never seen someone as alive as Wendy was. She was vibrant.

She asked me something and I just looked foolishly at her.

"You aren't a lesbian, are you?"

I just began laughing. I couldn't help it.

"My last roommate asked me if I were gay."

"But…"

"Don't worry. I like guys."

"So you are…you're confusing."

"Let me start at the beginning then…" It probably wasn't a good idea to tell people so easily about myself, but since I would be living in the same room as Wendy I figured it would be a good idea to let her know. That was she could request a new roommate before thing's became too settled. She took it amazingly well.

"Wendy?"

"Just give me a moment. It's not every day that one of the better looking girls you've ever seen tells you that she's really a guy in disguise."

"I'm not…wait, you think I'm attractive?"

"Don't get any ideas, there, missy. I like dick just as much as you do."

I blushed bright red at her statement, but didn't try to tell her I was a virgin. I think there had been enough revelation for one day.

"So, you're male, but a woman, taking female hormones and planning on surgery in a year. that about the size of it?"

"When you say it like that you make me sound weird."

"Well, you are a bit weird."

"Oh, did I mention I purchase storage lockers that are in default and sell off the antiques as a job?"

She just began laughing at me, and I giggled along with her.

"Jackie, you're alright. A little girlie for my tastes, but a good person."

"Wait, you think I'm girlie?"

"Have you seen your choice in clothing? And that jacket? And wow, but you have three times as much makeup as I do."

"that's probably because it takes three applications for me to get it right. I'd only been doing this for about a week after all."

"Girl, your makeup is flawless."

"But…it's hardly noticeable. Barely there."

"To a guy, maybe. Let me tell you a little secret. A girl knows. It's the little things that give it away, like lips that just look too good, or your eyes really standing out. People are bland, for the most part. Makeup is there to add a little spice to our appearance, and Jackie, you are muy calliente."

"Is that even proper Spanish?"

"Who cares? I liked it."

I stuck my tongue out at her and then we broke down in giggles again. When I got changed for the evening, she watched as I got changed. I didn't feel any problems with it and so just got into my favorite silk pajamas. She was wearing a tee shirt and shorts.

"See what I mean? You are so girlie."

"Shut up. I like these. You just haven't ever tried something like them."

I went through my drawers and found a pale blue pair I'd never worn and threw them at her. She laughed at me and then changed into them. Her expression slowly began to change. "Wow, they're."

"So soft? I know, right? Why do you think I wear them?"

"You know you're never getting these back, right?'

"They're yours, Wendy. They really don't fit me anyway since they're way too big."

"I noticed. You make twigs jealous."

"Apparently I've not been eating enough."

"Well, since food is part of your rent in these new halls, let's get you something to eat."

"You just want to fatten me up."

"That too."

We smiled as we went down to the cafeteria. No group of friends to be introduced to this time, but I think I enjoyed it better. We got food, or I should say I grabbed a Cesar salad that looked good, and then Wendy began piling my plate high.

As I sat there trying to eat the pile of food that Wendy had piled onto my plate I looked around at the other students. Wendy and I weren't the only ones dressed for bed, and truth be told we were some of the more modest ones in that category. The salad I ate first, as that is what I'd wanted. I got about half a cheese sandwich in but I couldn't even finish that.

We sat there wondering what to do with the rest of the food when a couple of guys came over.

"These seats taken, Ladies?"

I shook my head and blushed. Wendy was a bit more vocal.

"You can sit here provided that you eat the rest of this food."

"Trying to feed an army?"

"No, my roommate. Trying to fatten her up so I don't feel so gargantuan next to her."

"Well, we can't let good food go to waste, can we Tim."

"Course not, Jon. Course not."

Tim turned a pair of the bluest eyes I'd ever seen on me and I lost what he asked completely.

"Her name's Jackie. And I'm Wendy by the way."

"Pleased to meet you both," Tim said, turning away from me. I liked my lips and watched as they made the food on my tray disappear. Wendy and I seemed to bond further over that moment. We eventually said good night to the guys and made our way back to our room, talking about our new acquaintances along the way, giggling about our observations.

I felt comfortable with Wendy like I never had with the guys, and I could tell she felt the same. I guess the school had something about people of the same gender living together over mixed gender living.