What was lost…
copyright 2011 Faeriemage
Treasure is in the eye of the beholder, and no this isn't a D&D reference.

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I don't know how long I lay in my room either crying into my pillow or staring through sore eyes at the ceiling. I almost just threw it all in at that point. Testosterone would toughen me up, or so I thought. I'd have fewer of these emotional outbursts and I'd become more manly. My voice would drop. I'd be able to grow a beard.

I would become the man I'd always claimed that I was.

The more I thought about it the sicker I got. My stomach twisted in on itself. I just couldn't destroy my self-image to that degree.

As I came to this realization, there was a knock on my door.

"Hi, are you Jake?"

"Jackie, mostly, but yes."

"Hi, um, I know this is unusual, and well, I wanted some of my stuff back."

"Wait, what?"

"Yesterday…"

It was the woman who'd bid against me yesterday.

"Look, I've already taken the furniture to an antiques dealer."

"No, I can live without the furniture. It reminded me too much of my parents. I loved them, but they couldn't accept me for who I was."

I remembered my thoughts from yesterday.

"You're like me, aren't you. I mean you were born…male?"

She blushed and looked around.

"The guys here know, at least about me. I came to school as a guy to begin with. I'm seriously thinking of changing that."

"Only do it if you feel it. Don't change if you feel pressured into it."

"Why do you say that?"

"My…friend…recently committed suicide. She felt that to better understand me, she needed to become like me. She knew I was a lesbian and well…she changed for me. A few months ago…"

I stood up and put my arms around the older woman. She was considerably taller than me, but she succeeded in crying on my shoulder anyway.

"Just to let you know, I think I'm heterosexual."

She laughed at this. I could hear some of the original depth of her voice as she laughed. I guess some things are harder for some people than it will ever be for me.

"Just to let you know, I prefer more mature women."

I giggled.

"You are so natural."

"It helps to have a developmental condition. Apparently I never had any testicles."

"I'm so jealous right now."

"If you don't want the furniture…"

"I want my trousseau."

"Huh? Wait…"

"My parents only had one child. So did my mother's parents. My Great-grandparents only had one girl. My mother was given all six sets of the china my great-grandparents had purchased for their female children.

"My mother broke one set when I told her who I was. It is my trousseau, even though my mother would never want me to take it as such."

"You bid over nine thousand dollars for the china."

"Yes, even though I couldn't afford it. I can pay you five thousand for it."

"No, I'm sorry. I can't take five thousand for that."

"Oh. Well…"

"No, you misunderstand. I can't take your money. I'm giving you the china back. You don't want any of the clothing…do you?"

She laughed at this, but it was more controlled this time.

"I see you're already making use of that."

I blushed. I was still in the pink PJs.

"Look, I can tell that you don't have many girl things, well, except for the clothing. Let's go shopping."

"Um, I don't think."

"I need someone to help me carry these boxes anyway."

She left so that I could change into something more suitable. I was already noticing that I'd have to get a new jacket as the one I had really limited my clothing choices. Since I'd be working I went with a pair of blue jeans and a black tee.

"You're really new to this, aren't you?"

"What?"

"Those jeans are really tight…"

I looked down and could see what she was referring to. I'd never been really well endowed by any stretch of the imagination, but I was visibly male in those jeans.

"Um, I'll get changed then."

"No, you just need to move…that…somewhere less visible." She was blushing.

"Where do you…oh. You mean not in front."

I went back into my room and tried a couple of things. Some were really uncomfortable, and some less so. Eventually I found something that I thought would work. It wasn't really uncomfortable, and as soon as I got the jeans back in place it began to get a little more comfortable.

I looked at myself in the mirror and smiled. I looked perfect in those jeans, and they really hugged my butt.

"Much better, Jackie. Oh, I'm Sam by the way."

"If you could pick your name, why go with Sam?"

"I did pick my name. I was originally Peter. I like Samantha better."

We moved the boxes out to her mini-van. I was very careful while moving them. She was a bit less careful. I doubt either of us broke any of the items in the boxes. We drove to her house which was near the Harvard campus and unloaded the boxes.

"Who's this? A new friend, Sam?"

"Just a friend, Amy. Jackie, this is Amy, my landlord."

The woman was grey haired and shriveled up, but there was a twinkle in her eyes that decried a vitality her obvious age did not support.

"Hi, Amy."

"Welcome Jackie. I hope she's wrong about the friend thing. She needs to move on."

"Sorry, Amy, I'm hetero."

We all got a good laugh at this, and then we climbed back into the van.

"I want to do something about your hair first."

"Is there really enough to style?"

"We'll have to see."

I expected to drive to a salon of some sort, but Sam pulled up in front of a house a couple of blocks away from her home.

"Sam! Your next appointment isn't for another week."

"Hi, Landon. You have room to be able to squeeze in this cutie?"

"Hmmm. Well, This seems to be an emergency," the man said, "so yes, I can squeeze her in."

Stereotypically, male hair dressers are depicted in movies and TV as flamboyant, whether or not they are gay.

Landon wasn't…flamboyant I mean. I didn't know whether or not he was gay.

"So…"

"Jackie."

"So, Jackie. What can I do for you. You seem to have had a really masculine haircut last time."

"I did. I was trying…"

"Jackie was male at the time she got the haircut."

"You don't say. Well, we'll just have to fix that."

"Sam!"

"Jackie! Landon is a good guy, and very discreet."

"I'm right here, ladies." It seemed he put just the slightest emphasis on the word for my benefit, so I smiled up at him.

"Now, Jackie, your hair is a bit short for much of anything that I could do. I am mostly limited to either a pageboy or a pixie cut. I could get away with a slightly longer pixie cut…"

"What is a pixie cut?"

He pulled out a book and flipped to the right page. The face smiling up at me had similar features to the one I looked at in the mirror every day. The hair, though…

"That's kind of sexy…"

"Is that really a bad thing, Jackie? I mean you're trying to show your femininity to the rest of the world, and what better way to do that than being, well, sexy."

"But…"

"If you're not comfortable with it, I can try something else."

My stomach felt like it was filled with ice, but nothing ventured…

"Do it, now, before I change my mind."

"Sit right here, milady, and we'll get you taken care of."

I sat down and he started in on my hair. The nervousness that I felt as he started only increased. I was starting to fidget a little, at which point he asked me to relax. He finished before I really got fidgety again.

"Ok, take a look."

I looked at myself in the mirror, and I was shocked. I barely recognized myself. Just a simple haircut, and I really looked…well I looked gorgeous at least as far as I measured these things.

"Landon, you missed something."

He turned me to face him, and then smiled.

"Let me shape your eyebrows really quickly, Jackie. They are fine as they are, but they could fit your style a little better."

A couple of tears escaped as he removed what felt like half of the hairs from my face. When I was allowed to see myself in the mirror again, I was completely changed. The girl in the mirror smiled at me, and I felt my heart leap in my chest, because I knew that the girl in the mirror was me.

A couple more tears fell, but these were tears of joy.

"Thank you so much, Sam."

"You're welcome, Jackie."

"So, you ladies out for a night on the town?"

"We have another stop first, but I have to make a phone call before we do."

Sam walked into the other room leaving me alone with Landon.

"So, Jackie. I know this is new to you, and normally I don't ask out clients, but, would you mind going to dinner with me sometime?"

I looked at him, shocked.

"I'm really not expecting more than dinner, Jackie. Not that I won't admit to wanting more, but I know…What I'm trying to say is I'm straight. I'm sort of, well, normal as far as sex goes. No kink or anything. Maybe in a couple of years…" He looked at me appraisingly.

"Sorry, I'm making a fool of myself and acting really pervy."

I giggled at him.

"No apology needed, Landon. I'm a virgin in every sense of the word. In fact I'm not looking for a sexual relationship at the moment. So, if you're fine with just dinner, then I'm fine with just dinner."

"Wait, did you just say…"

"I said, yes I'll go to dinner with you."

He actually crowed.

"What's all the ruckus in here?"

"Jackie and I are going on a date sometime."

Sam smiled at me, and I blushed.

I gave him my number, and then thought of something. "Look, Landon, I currently live with a bunch of guys. Don't be put off if one of them answers, ok?"

"Ok. I'll call you sometime later in the week. Next Friday good for you?"

I smiled, and blushed, and nodded.

When we were back in the car, Sam laughed.

"Damn, girl, you really move fast."

"I've never been one to let indecision stop me from anything I wanted."

"You know, in the three years I've been going to Landon, I never even knew he was straight."

"Well, I guess it took the right kind of girl to open him up."

She looked at me appraisingly, but didn't say anything.

For how poorly the morning started, it was shaping up to be a really nice day. We drove for a little while before we stopped in front of what looked like a warehouse.

"Where are we?"

"Hell-o-e'en inc."

"Which is…"

"A costume makeup company. However, one of the best makeup artists I know works here. She taught me how to apply makeup fifteen years ago."

"Wait…makeup?" The blood drained from my face, and I must have gotten a deer in the headlights look.

"Jackie, it's not a big deal. Girls spend time when they're teenagers learning how to get makeup just right, and which colors work, or don't with their complexion. Someone like Tara can shortcut the entire process."

"But, I don't need makeup."

"No, you really don't need it. But isn't there someone who you want to eat their heart out? I mean there was a reason you were in your room, in your PJs, all day long for a reason."

I blushed crimson and she laughed at me.

"That's not funny."

"No, probably not, but I hit the nail on the head."

"Yeah, you did. There's this boy…"

"Isn't there always…well in my case it would be more 'there's this girl.'"

I giggled.

"Look. You won't need much. Just enough."

"Fine."

Tara was a treat. We spent close to four hours there. I learned what colors worked, and what didn't. She even gave me a few samples that seemed to fit me really well. When she was done, I had a really pretty evening makeup applied to my face.

The makeup didn't change my look completely, like the hair had. More, it seemed to emphasize the feminine shape already there.

"Well, you look ready for a night on the town."

"I'm not really dressed for that."

"That's fine. We'll make a stop off at your house, first."

We drove to my house and I rushed inside to get changed. I slipped as quickly as I could out of the tight jeans and then dropped the t-shirt on the floor. I looked through my closet for something that caught my eye and settled on a short black dress.

Well, short is relative. It was only a couple of inches above my knee. The front covered my bra completely, but the back was bare and showed of my lingerie.

I worried for a moment what I was going to do, and then I noticed that the dress had a couple of pockets hand sewn into the front. I smiled at Sam's ingenuity and slipped the breast forms into the dress and then put it on. It wasn't quite as natural feeling as the bra had been, but it worked, and the tightness of the dress in front prevented it from moving with the weight of the breasts.

"Jackie?"

"I don't have time for this, Brad."

He was standing in the doorway, staring at me. I'd been so engrossed in getting the front of the dress to sit right that I hadn't noticed when he came in.

"Look, I'm sorry, ok?"

"For what? Kissing me here in my room? Or rejecting me when people could see?"

""Both, or either, or I mean rejecting you."

"I think you made yourself abundantly…"

He shut me up with a kiss. My knees gave out. He held me up and continued to kiss me. I opened my mouth slightly to try and get a breath, or something, and he took that as an invitation.

All I could think about was that kiss. He was breathing hard when he finally released me and I just sat there, a slight smile on my lips, not really focusing on anything. He left before I could really respond.

"Are you about ready to go, Jackie?"

"Hmmm?"

"Jackie?"

I shook myself and stood up.

"I need a pair of shoes."

"Try these."

She handed me a two inch heel and I pulled back.

"I can't wear those."

"You have to learn sometime. Especially with how short you are. And you may want to touch up your makeup."

My lipstick was a little smeared, so I cleaned it off and re-applied it. Sam chuckled behind me.

"Stop it!"

"So, the makeup worked?"

"If by worked you mean did he kiss me so thoroughly that I almost orgasmed, then yes it worked."

"He didn't…"

"No, but my tonsils got a thorough cleaning."

"If you are a virgin, how do you know what an orgasm feels like."

"I was looking for a specific feel to how he kissed me."

"Well, you did look a little dazed when I came in."

"That's because he's a good kisser."

"Well, we need to get going."

She gave me a brief instruction on how to walk in heels, and I made it to the car without too much difficulty. At least I didn't trip over my own two feet.

We got to the restaurant, which if I was anywhere close in the map I was using in my head, was somewhere near Harvard.

"This looks like a student hangout."

"Teachers hang out here too."

"Wait, you're…"

"A professor? Yes. No, I'm not in womyn's studies. History, actually."

"History? Aren't history professors supposed to be stodgy older men in tweed?"

"With leather patches on the elbows?"

I nodded with an impish smile. I'm sure it went well with my haircut.

"No, they aren't. There isn't any sort of 'supposed' to be. My father actually used to complain about television shows that had pretty female scientists because he said it wasn't realistic. A pretty woman didn't need to rely on her brains so there is no way she would become a scientist."

"You're kidding."

"Nope. I'm not. People are people. Pretty or ugly. They all have reasons for doing something that have nothing to do with how they look."

"Like the fact that I'll continue getting my engineering degree even though I'm now gorgeous?"

"And oh so humble to boot."

"You'd better believe it. No hubris here."

"Hello, professor Spade," the girl behind the podium said.

I couldn't help it. I giggled. "Samantha Spade? You're kidding, right?"

"Nope."

"Your first name is Samantha," the girl asked.

"You didn't know?"

"The syllabus just says S. Spade."

"Wait, you work here and go to Harvard?"

"Jackie, not everyone who goes to Harvard is rich."

"Table for two, professor?"

"Yes, please."

"It'll be a half hour wait."

"We'll be in the bar."

We walked into the bar area and sat down at the corner. I got a few appreciative glances from the guys, and some of the girls. There were also some glares from some of the girls.

I was surveying the people coming in, when I saw Matt.

"Oh, crap."

"What is it, Jackie."

"Matt is from the same home town I am."

"There's no reason to believe he would expect to see you here."

"He knows I'm going to MIT. He's coming this way."

I tried to sink into my barstool, but Sam stopped me.

"Act natural and you'll attract less attention."

"Hello, Ladies."

"Hi," I said weakly.

"Hello," Sam said.

"Can I offer you a drink?"

"Are you old enough to drink," I asked.

Matt went bright red, and then looked more closely at me.

"Do I know you?"

"Yes."

"Wow, now I'm embarrassed. I would never have forgotten a face like yours."

"And yet you did. Imagine that."

"Are you kidding? I mean, you don't really know me, right?"

"I know you, Matt."

"Yeah, you could have asked my name from someone else."

"Really? Sparkle-britches?"

His mouth dropped open and then he blushed bright red.

"Shh. Not so loud, that nickname makes me sound gay."

"Amanda would disagree with that assessment, and she gave you the nickname."

"Do you think this is wise," Sam asked me.

I shut my mouth at this statement.

"I really do know you, don't I? Why can't I place your face?"

I shrugged, "I have lost some weight since you last saw me."

"This is going to bother me all night. Well, nice seeing you…" He was waiting for me to drop my name. I kept tight hold of it.

"Nice seeing you, Matt."

"You are wicked, Jackie," Sam said when he was safely out of earshot.

"I know. I'm not really sure how he'd take the new me, but he is a good friend, or at least was. If he figures it out he'll either have a good laugh or kill me. Probably laugh….I hope"

Sam shook her head at me. We eventually heard our names called and we made our way into the restaurant.

The food was good, and the conversation came easily. We talked a lot about the life that Sam had led to get where she was. She gave me a ride home afterward.

"So, come and visit me anytime."

"Awfully long way to walk."

"There is an excellent public transit system. Use that."

"There is?"

"Don't tell me you've been walking or using taxis to get everywhere."

My blush was answer enough.

"Well, get a bus schedule and use that in the future."

"Ok, mom."

She stuck her tongue out at me and I just giggled.

I cleaned off my makeup in the bathroom with a washcloth and water. I felt somehow less when I took it off, but I still liked what I saw.

Monday, I came to class in a pleated olive skirt and a button top. It might be a little out of style, but I liked the look. There was something missing from my image in the mirror, though, and it took me a while to realize what it was.

I had no jewelry.

I laughed at myself and walked out the door. I was wearing a three inch heel today to get more practice walking. That and they fit with the outfit.

Three inch heels are a little different than two inch heels, especially if your feet are as small as mine. I figured out the trick of it before I got all the way across campus, though, for which I was truly thankful.

I had to take my shoes off in class, though, as my feet were killing me.

"Hey, Sadie," I called to her as she walked in.

"Jackie? Love the hair. Wait, is that makeup?"

"Yeah. A friend helped me out this weekend."

"I like it. What does Brad think?"

"Well, I haven't seen him since yesterday before the restaurant. He kissed me again."

"Oh."

"No, I mean really kissed me. In the manner of the French."

"Oh!"

We talked until class began, and then got down to the subject at hand.

Tuesday was more of the same, although I wore more sensible shoes, especially since I would be riding the bus to the hospital afterward.

I made it to the hospital with only one major mistake and went up to Dr. Childs office.

"Hello?"

"Hi, I'm expecting someone else, so if you could make it quick?"

"So, you scheduled someone other than me for today?"

"Jake?"

"I'm going by Jackie actually."

"Wow, well, I take it you've come to a decision, then?"

"Yeah, I think I have."

"Well, let's get you a shot, then, and I can take you to see the psychologist again."

"Doesn't she want to see me first?"

"Nope. She figured you could make your own decision, but if it was to become female, she wants to see you again."

"Why? Doesn't she think I want this?"

"She wants to monitor your mental health. I'm only here to monitor your physical health during the process."

I smiled at that, "Let's do this."

It didn't even hurt. Well, it didn't hurt much.