What was lost…
copyright 2011 Faeriemage
Treasure is in the eye of the beholder, and no this isn't a D&D reference.

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I had the rest of my clothing on, but the last piece didn't seem to want to choose me. It wanted me to choose it.

Each one, in some way, didn't fit me quite perfectly. The one was broader in the shoulders than I was. The other was bigger in the bust than I was.

Yes, I'm talking about my down coat and my leather jacket. Sure, the jacket fit my persona for the game better, but the coat…well the coat was masculine and I might be trying to tell everyone that I really was a guy.

Might be.

I was a little confused on that.

More and more I was asking myself who I was really. And more and more I was wondering if it really mattered on anything more than a personal descriptive basis.

There was a knock on the door as I sat there dithering.

"Hey, we're heading out. Will you be ok heading to the game on your own?"

"Hi, Brad. I should be fine."

"It's late, you know."

"Brad, I am not powerless, you know. I mean, regardless of what everyone else thinks, I am a guy. I really am."

"Sorry I brought it up."

I was pissed at him. I grabbed my jacket and left. How dare he think of me as helpless? I wasn't some weak girl in need of his, or anyone else's help to get from one side of the street to the other. I've been crossing streets for years without his help and this wouldn't be the last time I did so.

I was fuming. My hair was beginning to piss me off. It was covering my ears, something I'd never let it do in the past, but then again it cost money to get haircuts, and I didn't really want to spend that money right now.

I wrapped my arms around my chest to try to keep some of the heat in. It collapsed the chest and removed the air pocket where the cold air could invade my little sanctuary.

The moon was a sliver past full and it shone its silvery light on the deserted campus. I had traversed most of it when a couple of shadows detached themselves from the building I was passing.

"Looks like someone is lost. Are you lost little girl."

"Are you a moron?"

"What?"

"I am not a girl."

"Sure look like one, what do you think, buddy?"

"She looks all girl to me. Let's try her on for size."

I didn't wait for them to finish their statements. I ran. Right past them. They were so shocked to see me running toward them that they actually jumped out of the way. Thank god for amateur criminals. Professionals would likely have grabbed me as I went by.

I heard them shout something at me and then there was the pounding of feet in the darkness behind me. I only hoped that I was fast enough to keep ahead of them until I reached the dorm.

Time seemed to stand still. My lungs burned from the cold, and the thud, thud, thud of my feet on the pavement jarred my knees. I could feel hot tears on my cheeks and wondered why I was crying. Nothing really made sense to me, nothing mattered, except for getting to that lit doorway.

Fifty feet. Twenty Feet. Ten feet. I allowed myself a smile as my hand closed around the handle, and then rough hands grabbed me from behind.

"Help me! Somebody! Please!"

"Shut up, bitch," one of the two said and I felt a blow to my head. My ears rang and darkness threatened to engulf me until the cold air on my lower body cleared the haze.

I began thrashing around then. I didn't want…whatever this was to continue. I had to get free.

"What's going on in there?"

"Nothing, officer, just a little prank."

"Help! They're trying to rape me!"

"Step away from the girl."

I was dropped onto the cold grass, and sobbing I pulled up my pants. I huddled myself into a ball as small as I possibly could and just sat there. This was impossible. This couldn't have happened to me. I was invincible.

I was male.

I moaned softly to myself, mourning the tatters of my dignity. I flinched away from the officer when he touched me on my shoulder.

"Miss, we need to get you checked out by the doctor."

"They never…they didn't…"

"Still, miss. Can you come with me?"

"Jake?!"

Sadie rushed up to me and I collapsed in her arms.

"Shh, sweetie. Shh. It's ok. You're safe now."

She conducted a conversation over my head with the officer and then I was being lead into the back of an ambulance. She held my hand the entire way.

"The doctor needs to check you out for damage, Jake."

I nodded and someone took off my pants and underwear for me. There was an intake of breath.

"He's a boy?"

"Yeah," Sadie said, "Seems that no one really believes him, though."

"Hmm. How old is he?"

"You're eighteen, aren't you Jake?"

"Yeah." I said noncommittally.

"What's wrong, doctor?"

"I'd prefer to talk to him privately if you don't mind."

Sadie began to rise and I just held onto her. I didn't want to be alone right now.

"Don't leave me."

"Ok, Jake. I'll stay here."

"Jake, I'd like to run a couple of tests, is that alright?"

"They've already run tons of test, doctor. They even ran an MRI and Sonogram, well in the other order."

"Well, I would be running other tests. I don't think you are intersexed, or whatever they want us to call it these days. I think there is something wrong with your endocrine system, specifically with your testes."

"There's something wrong with my balls?"

"Well, that's the crass way to put it."

"Ok, is there something I need to sign?"

"No, but it will hurt."

I held onto Sadie as the doctor inserted a needle into my scrotum. It didn't hurt as much as I expected it to. That's not to say that it didn't hurt.

"Let me take this into the lab sand then I'll be back to finish my exam."

I waited there, holding onto Sadie, just crying. It wasn't fair, but then life rarely was.

"Hey, why are you letting this affect you, Jake. You're the big strong guy, aren't you?"

"How would you react to almost getting raped?"

"Well…ok. I didn't think about it that way. That must have been worse for you, though, because you think of yourself as a guy."

"No, it's worse for me because I'm stupid. Brad offered to take me across campus and I threw it in his face. I knew that there were rumors of stuff like this happening, but for whatever reason I thought, 'this doesn't affect me. I'm a guy.' Pretty stupid, huh?"

"I think it's very human," the doctor said as she came back in.

"In the recent months, I've had a number of girls in here thinking this wouldn't happen to them for whatever reason."

"But no other guys."

"No, I've had no other guys."

"So, what was with the needle?"

"I was taking tissue samples. I'm having the lab look them other in the microscope. I doubt that it is ovum material, but I'm equally sure it's not testicular material either."

"You think it could be…" Sadie began.

"No, I don't. His testes might be overly small, but I doubt that. It would require other physiological differences, and he just isn't developing in that way."

The doctor finished her exam, and Sadie and I sat there waiting for the results after I got dressed.

They moved us out of the exam room after about ten minutes, and we ended up waiting in the eponymous room while they finished all of the tests.

"Are you feeling better, Jake?"

My trembling had eased and I was simply leaning against her, not grasping her like she was my one salvation.

I nodded into her shoulder.

"Jacob Peters?"

We followed the nurse back to a small office where the doctor was sitting waiting for us.

"Would you still like her to be here? This is private information I will be sharing."

Sadie got up to leave, and for a moment I thought about asking her to stay, but it was only a moment.

"I'll be in the waiting room."

"Thank you."

"Mr. Peters. I'm not sure if you got my name earlier. I'm Dr. Conrad."

"It is so weird thinking of a female doctor with a male sounding name."

"Tell me about it. I have seriously considered changing my name. The only thing that keeps me with it is the continual hope that someone will marry me and change it for me."

I giggled at this.

"I am still waiting on the results of your karyotype test, but you don't have male reproductive organs."

"What…?"

"Your testes are fibrous, or at least the portions I tested are. There doesn't seem to be any banding…"

"Wait. What does all of this mean?"

"It means that at least physically, you are missing some of the important bits to be male. I'll want you to see an endocrinologist to check your hormone levels, but it is likely that you are producing very little, if at all, of any of the sex hormones."

"You mentioned something about a carry-type test?"

"Karyotype. It is a check of your chromosomes. It will tell us if you are genetically male or female."

I passed out.

"Jake, honey. Wake up."

"Sadie?"

"Welcome back, Jackie."

I gave her a sour smile, and the doctor looked at us questioningly.

"A nickname the girls in my gaming group gave me."

"Ah. So, I would like you back here to talk to the endocrinologist on Tuesday if that's alright?"

"It should be. What time?"

"Sometime after two should be fine. His schedule is clear on Tuesday after two. He likes to go golfing then, but he'll make an exception for me."

I giggled at this, and Sadie joined in.

"I didn't think that doctors really spent all their time going golfing," I said.

"Just Jim…I mean Dr. Childs."

She blushed, but I let it pass. It wasn't my place to tease this woman that I didn't know.

"Good night, Dr. Conrad, unless there's something else you need Jake for?"

"No, here, Jake. This card has the doctor's name, as well as the time for your appointment."

"Thank you, Doctor."

Dr. Beverly Conrad's card had her name and phone number on the front. She'd written my appointment date and time with Dr. James Childs on the back, with his office phone number as well.

I walked out of the room and collected Sadie.

"So?"

"Well, apparently she doesn't know if I'm male or female either." I'd meant it as a joke, but I was a little bitter about it.

"Really?"

Sadie didn't get the joke either.

"Yeah, apparently my testicles are fibrous, which apparently means they aren't really testicles."

"Wow."

"Yeah, that's pretty much my own reaction."

"What does it mean for you? I mean…"

"What I think it means first off is I never have to worry about getting a girl pregnant."

Sadie blushed and I giggled.

"Well, with that giggle, I'm not sure that was ever something you needed to worry about in the first place."

I punched her in the arm and she laughed.

"So, we going to the game?"

"Well, um…"

"Sadie, I need to unwind more now than ever. And if I can take some aggression out on some poor hapless monsters in a make believe game…"

"Well, ok, but I told Carla we would likely not be showing up. She understands."

"I really want to go. Please?"

There were those tears in my eyes again. I angrily wiped them away. I wasn't that person.

"Ok, let's go."

"Um, how are we going to get home?"

"Ladies. I would be honored to give you a ride."

An officer stepped over from where he'd been sitting next to the door. He was actual police, as opposed to the campus cop who'd helped me earlier.

"I'm a guy."

"Well…sorry…the offer still stands."

Sadie pushed me, "Jake and I would love a ride back to MIT."

"Jake Peters? You were the one from earlier…?"

"The guy who was almost raped tonight? Yep, that's me. Everyone look at the freak," I'd begun to raise my voice as I went on, and the officer glowered at me.

"That was uncalled for, son. I didn't mean anything by it. I know you've had a rough night of it, and I don't want to make it an worse for you, ok? I was actually here to take your statement. Someone from the front desk told me you'd gone home, and then there was a gunshot victim…regardless. This is my job, and I thought I could at least get something out of it by giving a couple of pretty college students a ride home."

Sadie blushed, but I glowered.

"You don't look like a guy, which I really think contributed to tonight, don't you, Jake?"

"I guess."

"So, if I could get your statement I'll give you la..both a ride home."

I shook my head at him. There was a possibility, it seemed, that he might be right about me being a girl. It was still a foreign concept, but it was something I might be able to get used to.

I gave him my statement, and then we climbed into the cramped back seat of the police car. Unlike on TV, where it seems to just be like a normal sedan backseat, there was almost no room. I was glad I wasn't any taller than I was, as my knees were smashed into the back of the seat in front of me. Well, it would be more accurate to say that they were smashed into the metal shield that separated the seat in front of me from the passenger compartment.

Sadie spent the entire trip chatting the officer up.

We got out and walked into the building and made our way up to Carla's room.

I knocked on the door.

"Jackie! We were so worried!"

I collapsed into Jasmine's arms and just cried. Her statement opened up something inside me, and I spend the next couple of hours, not crafting spells or moving my avatar through a supernatural city, but being comforted by a group of friends.

We told stories about our lives, and I told them who I really was.

Well, Carla and Sadie already knew.

"Jackie, there is no way you're a boy."

"What are you talking about, Yaz. I am male."

"Yes, you're male, well at least physically, but you're no boy."

"What?"

"You are too soft."

"Yeah, I think that's a hormone issue."

"No, I mean mentally. You are a marshmallow."

"Yaz," Sadie exclaimed.

"Well, it's true."

"What do you mean, Yaz," I asked.

"I mean that you are, well, feminine in your mannerisms, and behaviors."

"Oh come on. I walked across campus alone to prove…"

"How independent you are? That is not gender specific. There are girls and guys that act stupid."

I blushed and the others laughed at me. I smiled weakly at them.

"Well, how does me being a marshmallow make me a girl, then, if behaviors aren't gender specific."

Jasmine opened her mouth to respond, and then shut it again.

"Actually, why not put him in drag? I mean look at Alex on the Glee Project. The first time he was in drag, everything made sense. Or should I say she…I mean all of his mannerisms that were so weird when he was presenting as a guy suddenly all made sense."

We all looked at Carla blankly.

"Wait, none of you watched it?"

There was general laughter at this.

"I think I understand what she means, and we don't need to put Jackie in drag to see it," Katie said

I looked at her, the question in my eyes.

"Without any makeup, and only wearing the jacket, Sadie mistook you for a female the first time she met you. Jasmine did the same. People assume you are a female, Jackie. It fits their image of you. From what you've been telling us, you're going to need to take hormones regardless of whether you're a genetic male or not. If that's the case, why not take female ones?"

I cocked my head at her, trying to figure out the joke.

"That's my line, Jackie. I'm the shifter, remember."

I stuck my tongue out at her, and the other's giggled at me. I smiled and joined in.

"Well, I'm not much one for sleepovers, so if we aren't playing, I'm going to bed," Jasmine said.

"I'm heading out too," Katie said.

A cold pit formed in my stomach and I began to sweat.

"Sadie, how about the two of us walk Jackie home, and then you and I can walk back together. It won't strand you at her house tonight."

The fear that had begun to grip me dissipated. It was earlier than it had been last week, but it was still the middle of the night. There really isn't much difference between one and three in the morning on a Sunday.

I had a lot to think about as I walked. I tried to keep up my side of the conversation, but it was obvious to Carla and Sadie that my mind was somewhere else. The lights were all on when we got to my house.

"Jake, thank goodness you're ok. We weren't able to get in touch with you, and the fact that there was another rape on campus."

"Why did you immediately think of me?"

Brad blushed bright red, and Seth came to his rescue, "because apparently you two had a lover's quarrel just before the attack happened.

"I wasn't raped, guys. It was only an attempted rape."

"Are you ok?"

"Who was it?"

"I'm walking you to your game from now on!"

Brad's outburst, the last one, was finished in relative silence. I smiled at him as the other's laughed.

"Brad, I'm and adult…"

"Yeah, like tonight? Take care of yourself? How did that work out?"

"I was going to say I can arrange for my own escort."

I turned on my heel and stormed into my room. Who did he think he was? I was old enough to take care of myself. I didn't need a father figure in my life.

I was mad and scared and I think I screamed a couple of times in frustration. I got undressed and got in bed.

It took hours for me to sleep. I just wanted someone to hold me and tell me that everything would be alright, even thought I was sure in that moment that it never would be.

I stayed in my room until Monday morning. Brad brought me my meals, and I started feeling bad for him. I was being too harsh on him, I think.

I went to class and started to feel a bit more normal. I jumped at everything, but at least I was out there in the midst of the other students.

I finished up my classes on Tuesday and caught a cab over to the hospital. I wasn't feeling up to an hour walk at the moment.

I got out and asked about the doctor at the information desk. I made my way to his office and knocked quietly on the door. I really wasn't feeling up to this today.

"Enter!"

"Dr. Childs," I asked as I opened the door.

"You must be Mr. Peters. You're actually in luck. I've had no labs in the past couple of days, so I think I can get yours expedited. Also, I can check with Dr. Conrad about your karyotype. It should be done today or tomorrow."

"This is so…sudden."

He smiled a pleasant smile at me.

"Well, nothing to worry about there. Dr. Conrad likes to get things going quickly and decisively."

"So, what do we do?"

"I take some blood and then we hang out for a couple of hours. Personally, I'd like you to talk to a therapist in the mean time, but that is completely up to you."

"A therapist?"

"You may have a difficult choice to make. You are physically male, but you might be genetically female. A therapist might make deciding which way you want to go…"

"There are choices? I thought male was male, and female was female."

"Not necessarily. It is a lot more complicated than that, realy."

"Fine, I'll talk to a therapist."

"Don't sound so excited."

This actually caused me to giggle.

"Do you prefer a man or a woman?"

"I prefer a competent one."

"They're both good."

"Whichever one can distract me for the next two hours."

"Fine, you can talk to Harriet."

He lead me down to the psychiatric wing while committing small talk.

"You don't think I'm crazy do you?"

"What? Oh, no. This is just where all of the head cases work."

I smiled at his attempt at a joke.

"Harriet?"

"Huh? Oh, hi Jim."

"You have time to talk to Jake? I spoke yesterday with you about him."

"Sure. Just tell him to come by whenever."

"Um…"

"Jake, this is Harriet."

She blushed, "I'm so sorry. I thought you were…"

"A girl. I get that a lot."

Dr. Childs left and I was alone with Harriet.

"So, tell me a bit about yourself."

"I am going to MIT. I play role-playing games. I love my mother."

Harriet laughed at this last bit.

"I'm not a psychoanalyst, Jake. I'm not going to analyze whether or not you established the proper sexual queues in your infancy."

"Wha…?"

"Sorry, psychologist joke. So, physically male?"

"Yep."

"So, what gender are you?"

"Wait, didn't you just say…"

"That is your sex, Jake. Who you physically are. I was asking who you are mentally. In these games of yours. Do you tend to play girls or guys?"

I blushed and couldn't answer.

"That wasn't a trick question, Jake. There are men who play female roles. It is not because they are female. There are women who play male roles for the same reason. They don't identify with their characters. They like to watch them, in cases of video games, or they like the attention of the non-player characters. They might even enjoy the sexuality of it."

I blushed even hotter.

"Is that…"

"No, it's just that I'm not used to people talking about sex so casually."

"Ah. Sheltered youth?"

"Something like that."

"That's normal for some people as well. So, I take it from your response that you play female characters?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

I stopped and thought about it for a minute or two. "It's always been easier than playing a guy."

"How so?"

"Well…it…fits? No that's not exactly right. I wore really masculine clothing in high school. I tried out for the football team and the baseball team. Didn't make it, but I at least made it past the first cut. I was always trying so hard to fit their idea of who I was. When I played my games, it was a case of relaxing. I could try out the waters. See how I felt about it. I acted like myself and my character happened to be female. Wait, you don't think…"

"Let's not get ahead of yourself here. I'm trying not to make any specific determinations yet."

"Why does everyone think I'm female?"

"Why do you say that?"

"Sure, I have a girl's leather jacket, but even before that they either thought I was gay or just a girl. Since I got the jacket, everyone assumes I'm female."

"Why did you get a girl's jacket?"

"From my job. I buy storage facilities at auction. There was a jacket in one so I decided to keep it for myself instead of selling it to the second hand shop. I needed a coat anyway."

"Well, it's quite pretty on you."

I blushed and said, "Thanks."

She got a thoughtful look on her face.

"You don't mind being called pretty?"

"No. I know what you mean. I look good. Because I look feminine, you say pretty as opposed to handsome."

"Actually, I called you pretty because you look pretty. Better than half the anorexic models I get in here after they collapse at a photo shoot."

I really blushed at that, but I was smiling at the same time.

"That pleases you?"

"You're just trying to trick me now," I said with a scowl.

"No, Jake. I'm not. I'm testing the waters. Saying what I feel and seeing how you react."

I mulled this over. "So, do you think I act like a girl? My friends do."

"Well, the real issue is do you feel like you're a girl? If you feel like a boy, then we can help you. If you feel like a girl, we can help you too. it all depends on what you want."

"I don't know. I just want to be myself, I think."

"Well, that is all any of us can ask for."

We just started talking, then. Not about anything specific, but more about nothing at all. Before I knew it Dr. Childs was knocking on the door.

"We're about done here, Jim."

"Thanks, Harriet."

"What's the news?"

"Well, the obvious part is that you have almost no androgens or estrogens in your system. No male or female hormones. It was the karyotype that took the time. They finally got that to me, and you are male, at least genetically."

"Well, I guess that answers that," I said frowning.

"What's wrong, Jake," Harriet asked.

"I'm male. Guess that means I need testosterone shots or something."

"You want that?"

I thought about it for a moment. There was a flutter of hope in my chest, which I quickly thrust down. "I guess…"

"Jim, would there be any problem with us giving it a week?"

"No. He's made it this far without any serious complications. I think we can go another week without too much difficulty."

"Ok, Jake. Think about it this week. I'll see you again this time next Tuesday. We need to give you one or the other, and at this point, since there are no other concerns, I'll leave that choice up to you."

"A choice?"

"Male or female hormones, Jake."

I was in a daze as I walked out of the hospital and caught another cab. Did they just give me the choice I think they did?