It's always good to follow your heart. And in an ideal world, that should be easy.  But in the real world, we know that's not necessarily true.  In fact, it frequently isn't.

We've chatted many times before, oftentimes long into the night, and you know my thoughts on this.  It goes without saying that I do wish you well, and you will always be in my prayers.  

But there seems to have been a fundamental change in what you last told me, and what you are implying in your blog now - that basically, you're implying that your relationship with your family (specifically, with your wife) is not actually improving, and that your priorities have changed.  It is a big shift, shocking in its degree of change, actually.  I pray that you are not just being carried by your emotions, your strong desire to transition, and your impatience to start it now, that you are electing to ignore certain things you need to do first.

You still have to cope with the adjustment to your new leg prosthesis.  You still have to stabilize your weight.  Forgive me, but have you hit the prescribed weight already?  All these you have to do before embarking on this road to transition.  It might actually be medically dangerous if you were to start without getting a handle on these things first.

In our talks, you mentioned this desire of yours to become a pastor again.  I cannot have an opinion, one way or the other, since I don't know the particulars.  All I can say is that I think it is inappropriate for anyone to counsel anyone else if her personal situation isn't stable, in whatever professional capacity - whether as a counselor, a therapist or a pastor.  Like what I said above, I think you need to get a handle on your own situation first before emarking on the road to transition, OR resuming your pastoral duties.

You mentioned to me you had done a lot in your life, aside from being a pastor, many of them I forget now.  Surely, with all of these life experiences, you know the wisdom of the need to prioritize, and the value of prudence and patience.

In your blog, you alluded to the instability in the home, and you mentioned the physical danger you feel you were in at the hands of your son. I know the danger of hazarding an opinion about such things - that whatever I might say might embolden you to make a decision that might not be right - if I were to say, leave them, would that not imply you are cutting yourself off from your family?  But then if I were to say, stay and try and work it out, and your son ends up doing violence on you... In truth, it is only you that knows what the real situation is.  I think you need to be the one to decide on what the right track it is to follow.  But decide you must, before starting transition.

I guess, all I could say is that you must think this through, and evaluate things pragmatically, not just with a view to transitioning or to resume being a pastor, and to consider the priority things you have to do first BEFORE anything else: get stable physically, medically and financially, decide where and how you will live, do what you need to do with your family situation; and then think about the repercussions of whatever decisions you will make: possibly alienating your family, think about the medical and financial impact of transitioning, think about your diminished effictivity as a pastor if you yourself are not stable yet (all with a view to deciding what is te righ tjng to do).

Truly, it's really none of my business, and you can tell me to drop dead - I won't mind.  As a friend, I thought it appropriate to post this.

Transitioning is never simple.  And for a person with so many troubles besetting her... Seriously, you need to take care of so many thngs first.

It is your decision, ultimately.  All that I can say at this point is good luck in your journey, and that you make the right choices and decisions.

All my prayers.

- Bobbie

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To see Bobbie's blogposts, click this link:  http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/blog/bobbie-c 
To see Bobbie's stories in BCTS, click this link:  http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/14775/roberta-j-cabot 
To see Bobbie's Family Girl Blogs, click this link: http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/28818/family-girl-blogs
To see Bobbie's old Working Girl Blogs, click this link:  http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/19261/working-girl-blogs