I started my journey first reading at Fiction Mania, and then both reading and writing at Storysite. I think I was lurking at this site sometime around 1999. I am not sure when Erin started this site so I could have been here as soon as the site existed, but I do not know when that was.
I was a mess when I started here, and it got worse around Thanksgiving of 2004. In the years 2005 to 2007, I was hosptialized 5 times and actually attempted suicide seriously twice. The first time the rope broke and my unexpected impact with the floor left me in such pain that I snapped out of it. The last time I attempted suicide, I stepped into traffic in the dark on a busy expressway where cars were driving around 50 MPH. That night, I was saved by what I believe were supernatural means. God was not ready for me to die. At the time, I thought that I was such an evil person and such a failure that there would be no reason to live.
After that incident in early 2007, I slowly began to get better. One can only moan about the loss of everything for so long and much to my astonishment, I ran out of tears, and slowly the overwhelming grief began to subside. It would seem that God wanted me to live, either to torture me some more or for me to rise out of complete failure and begin to do something useful with my new life.
In 2009, my life began to change in astonishinly wonderful ways. My personal life began to change for the better and while I must admit that I am not as stable and strong as I once was, I am much more able to express love and to try to be charitable and giving to others.
Through all this, I have made some friends who have given me more love than my own Mother ever did. I can't remember everyone who extended their hands to a person who was barely functional and was profoundly defeated. Sephrina, I have not heard from you in quite a long time, and I do not remember how we even met, but I want to personally thank you for seeing something in me when I saw nothing. Cathy has been a rock for me, as was Holly and Shelly. Ladies, I know that I was a basket case of the 10th order. John of W, thank you for your encouraging words when I first started writing. Randalynn, thank you for understanding my nature as a natural slave, even though I never did find a Master. I am re-reading one of Aardvarks stories and it has reminded me once again of things that will likely never be, no matter how much I long for them.
There are so many people at this site that I have not mentioned and for that I am really sorry.
I began writing back in the early 70's and used a typewriter. I happened upon one of my first stories and in comparing that story with my latest one, I can finally accept that if one works hard enough one can become a writer, and I think I have finally done that. I am so thankful for the kind and gentle tutelage that so many of you have provided in so many small ways.
You have all seen me go from flaming fundamentalistic Christian, to Muslim to become yet another Investigator of a certain religion. I hope that along the way, I have begun to understand more about gentleness, forgiveness, encouragement, and restoration of others.
Something is happening in my life that is really wonderful, and I just do not know how much longer I will be in a position to post stories. Please know that ending my life is not in my plans.
My dream is to wind up on a ranch in rural Oregon, Idaho, Utah, Nevada, or Montana, caring for those who need my help whether it be an elderly man or a family or who knows. In my experience in Ohio, last winter, I found my true self in cooking and cleaning for two young college women. I learned what it truly is to serve others, and I want to do more of it. I believe that I have found an organisation that I can do that through, and it just makes my heart soar.
I can not think of a single person on this site that has had an unkind word for me, and view with amusement the several people who have called me Mom as I admonished them to be as much as they can be. I wish that I could hold each of you in my arms and tell you that it will be OK, but you must not give up.
Much love and many thanks to all of you.
Gwendolyn Ellen Boucher, sometimes still Khadijah. :)
Comments
Good Luck
RAMI
Good Luck in your quest for happiness and fulfilment. However, be careful, that you do not get blinded by a false sense in finding contentment in the wrong place. Though your inability to write stories in the future may be because you are too busy doing other things that bring you happiness, be careful of organizations that will forbid or prevent you from being part of a free society. Remember, many felt happy and fulfilled in Waco and Jonestown.
Be Happy. But also be safe.
RAMI
RAMI
My feelings are similar to
My feelings are similar to what Rami just expressed.
I know the term Investigator is used for those who are listening to missionaries and learning about the Mormon faith, but have not yet joined the church. What you described sounds like you're considering joining a fundamentalist Mormon group (not part of the real, official LDS church), perhaps one that practices multiple marriage (polygamy). I can see how that's something that might satisfy the noble desire you've expressed to serve others, as well as the darker desire to be a slave.
Please be very, very careful.
There are, I'm sure, many more conventional places that could use the services of one like you who wants to be a caring helper. Nursing homes, assisted living facilities, group homes for the disabled, all come to mind.
Kris
Kris
{I leave a trail of Kudos as I browse the site. Be careful where you step!}
I understand the psychology of mental slavery
No, I will not be joining the "radical" LDS though I think I have a better understanding of polygamy than most. It is also practiced in Islam, and mostly we don't hear about it because Islamics mostly ignore American civil law in the matter. I know of two such cases myself. I never talked to another Muslimah who liked the idea though. And when many women find out about the other wife or wives, "The Thunder Rolls".
Over the years, I have known and associated with numbers of the Salt Lake bunch and I have never seen a more loving and caring group of people anywhere. Please, let's not make this a religious discussion. I do not want to cause any kind of unpleasantness here. I would be open to PMs on the subject, however.
I know non religous women who are in polygamous relationships that change as time passes.
Speaking "Freudically" I do understand that the desire to be a slave speaks of a deeply demanding need to belong and to be loved. I think that T folk understand that better than almost anyone else. I still own my "slave collar" and it lays in my jewelry box to remind me of another time, another place. No one ever put it on me and kept the key.
Many blessings
Gwendolyn
Lack of internet service.
I am sorry, I did not intend to imply that I was joining a group where there was no internet service in the cell where I will be chained. :) I simply meant that perhaps, I would be too busy or that the internet would be too slow or something like that. There are still places in america where there is not phone service, no not even a party line.
Much peace
Gwendolyn
Wow, this is a story... I
Wow, this is a story...
I guess everyone of us can be glad to see you here now. I think it is always amazing how the real life stories of you girls contain more drama and tragedy than the fiction stories.
I wish you much luck and success in your life.
Beyogi
I ask for your prayers, and offer you all thanks.
I have always enjoyed reading your stories and can appreciate your journey. I hope that you find fulfillment in your life and are blessed beyond measure.
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
To a good friend
Gwen,
You've been in my prayers for a long time. I value our friendship although it is only by e-mail and this site. I'll put you deeper in prayer with my Christian friends and church.
Plase don't go to Montana, its bitterly cold in the nine months of winter and overly hot during the reconstruction of highways from the winter time.
Jill Micayla
Be kinder than necessary,Because everyone you meet
Is fighting some kind of battle.
Jill Micayla
Be kinder than necessary,Because everyone you meet
Is fighting some kind of battle.
please keep in touch
life is never too busy to check in with your friends, is it?
Dorothycolleen
WOW , OMG
WOW what a heart wrenching story and thank you for sharing your story with us . I am so happy that you never succeeded in taking your own life as we would have miss out on a wonderful person that you are . I am so happy to call you 1 of my friends on BCTS. GOD bless you on what ever you choose to do with your life please please keep us informed as to what is happening with you. HUGS & GOD BLESS YOU LOVE RICHIE2
Still searching, I see.
That's a good thing, of course. I have seen many people become too certain, and therefore too judgmental. I have tried to resist that tendency, but have ended up there on occasion, anyhow. When that happens, I end up getting bumped on my butt, and have to reevaluate things. Not fun, but necessary. Pride truly does come before a fall, and self pride appears to be the root of all evil (as opposed to A root of all kinds of evil.)
I am very aware that you have been a victim of people who are so certain of their righteousness that they have become very judgmental. The folks at Westburo are an extreme example of what all humans are prone to when they become to certain and prideful.
You have been knocked down many times, and I am impressed with the way that you keep getting back up. Instead of nursing the root of bitterness, you are becoming a better, wiser, and kinder person. I am convinced that the greatest of us is he or she who serves others the best (and no, I didn't make that up myself. LOL)
God is faithful, and He will continue the good work He has started in you. Your tenacity is an inspiration to me, for sure. I know what it's like to just want to give up. In fact, the only thing that kept me from actually trying to carry out the plans was the fact that it would hurt those who love me, and would probably devastate the lives of my kids. I could very well see myself actually trying if I had been rejected by my family the way you have.
I think that when our works are judged, the works of those who have hated or rejected in the name of God will make the biggest bonfire. It profoundly saddens me that the followers of the God of Love all too often drive away those who need Him the most.
So keep on, Gwendolyn, and know that following your heart will lead you in the right direction, and eventually to the loving arms of God.
Love ya, sis!
Ray Drouillard
Thank you so much.
Ray:
I think you actually understand, and I think that is rare. I thank God that you are in my life.
Gwendolyn