I only went down a couple of floors. The not so dark corner called to me and I slipped into the room unseen, or at least I hoped. The girl still seemed to be asleep, so I began to spill everything to her.

I told her about the punishment and growing breasts. I told her about Jeremy and being put in a coma. I told her that I was gay. Once I started, I just couldn't seem to stop. I was sobbing and letting everything out. In the end I just laid my head down on the bed as I finished up with learning that I was actually a girl, and now I had to decide to give up my life to be the girl I physically was, or to take it back, but give up on having children.

I lay there sobbing for a few moments, not expecting an answer, and hoping it would take hours before my parents found me.

"Well, I usually prefer to give advice only to people I'm on a first name basis with. I'm Theresa by the way. What's your name?"

I stood up, shocked. Theresa was sitting up in bed looking at me.

"You're awake?"

"I should hope so, otherwise I'd be talking in my sleep."

"No, I mean…"

"I know. Sorry if I ruined things for you."

"No, it's great…only I should be leaving. I shouldn't be here. I'm really sorry."

"I don't mind you being here. Actually, they're only keeping me for another week for observation. They want to make sure I don't relapse or anything."

"No, I meant…never mind. I shouldn't be here. I really shouldn't"

"At least tell me your name before you go."

"I'm AJ."

I made as if to leave but she didn't let my movement stop her.

"So, you're the one my little brother's been talking about."

"Shawn?"

"Yep. Unless I have another brother I don't know about."

"He's talking about me?"

"Look who has a crush on my brother. It's so cute."

I just blushed.

"Yes, you're just about the only thing he wants to talk about, which I have to say is a slight improvement over his usual subject material."

"I like listening to him speak…I mean…"

"You are so cute, you know that, AJ? Do you want my advice, or did you simply want a sympathetic ear?"

"I want some advice, I guess."

"Well, do you want your life to be easy, or do you want it to be hard?"

"What do you mean?"

"You are a gay male, or a straight female, AJ. Those are the choices you are making. No matter how much we would like it to change, it will be easier for you to be straight than to be gay. Even if that means you will be a woman if you do it."

"But, I'm a boy."

"Technically, you're a girl who thinks she's a boy."

Something in my thinking shifted. I had been looking at this wrong. Well, at least a part of it. Physically, penis to the contrary, I was female. So, either I wanted to transition to being a boy, instead of the accidental tomboy I'd been my entire life, or I wanted to be the girl I was.

My life was so weird.

"How have you been sleeping? You look a bit out of it," Theresa asked me.

"I've been so worried about what the doctor would say the past couple of days that I've been having nightmares. I'm only sleeping in fits and starts."

"Well, AJ, go lie down over in the corner. It pulls out into a bed. I'll watch over you while you sleep, all right?"

"Okay," I was tired, and so I didn't think about it much. I lay down on the chair-cot-thing and fell asleep.

.-.. .. -. . -... .-. . .- -.-
I saw the papers moving up on top of my mommy's desk again, "Jeanette, you know you're not supposed to be up there."

"Is Jeanette on my desk again, Aaron?"

"Yes, and she's moving the papers."

"Oh, is she now?" Mommy turned to look at the top of her desk where I figured that Jeanette was hiding, invisible as usual. "Jeanette, you know you're not supposed to be on my desk. Can you hop down please?"

It must have worked because there was a click and the papers stopped moving.

"So, Aaron, would you and Jeanette like to try on some dresses?"

"Yes, mommy, but I'll have to try on Jeanette's, because she can't wear clothing."

"Oh really. Well, you and Jeanette should come over here and we'll get started."

.-.. .. -. . -... .-. . .- -.-
"Aaron, you know that Jeanette isn't real, right?"

"I know, Daddy. It's just that I think of her like the little sister that you and mom are going to get for me some day."

"Oh really, and how do you figure that?"

"Well, Jeremy at daycare says that his parents got him a new baby sister at the hospital, so I figure that you can do the same for me. I'd love to have a baby sister."

"Why do you want a sister, Aaron?"

"Because I want to help mommy take care of her. She'll start out as a baby. I promise to help, and I can feed her and change her diapers. Please, daddy?"

"Well, Aaron, that's a lot to think about. Would you and Jeanette like to watch a movie with me?"

"Yes, daddy. Me an' Jeanette would love to watch a movie with you."

.-.. .. -. . -... .-. . .- -.-
Mom was looking at the porcelain doll on my shelf. There were rockets and balls and cars throughout the rest of the room. On a single shelf above my window was the antique doll. There was a heart-shaped pendant around the doll's neck with the letters A and J scratched into the surface.

"What does AJ stand for, Aaron?"

"An' Jeanette, Mom"

"Your old imaginary friend?"

"Yeah, but I think I'm going to have to put AJ in the attic."

"Why's that, Aaron?"

"Jeremy says that boys don't play with dolls. He doesn't understand I don't play with AJ. She watches over me, and she keeps me safe."

"Well, we could give her to another little boy or girl."

"No, mommy. I need AJ to watch over me. So, can we put her in the attic above my room? If she's there, then I know that she'll always have my back. I can do anything as long as she's safe."

"Okay, Aaron. We can put AJ up into the attic for you."

.-.. .. -. . -... .-. . .- -.-
I woke up with a start. I hadn't even remembered that doll, or my imaginary friend, in a long time. My conversation with Kelly yesterday made so much more sense now. It was a patterned response. I must have answered that question for so many people when I was little. The doll had sat on my shelf for almost three years before she moved up into the attic.

"Sleep well?" Theresa asked me.

"How long was I asleep?"

"Maybe an hour."

"Well, I feel more rested, and some things are a little clearer." I could feel the smile spreading across my face.

"You should smile more, AJ. It's hard not to love you when you do that, so I'm sure that you will completely slay my brother, if you really want to."

"Yeah, when you find out about me, you probably won't want me to have anything to do with your brother."

"What could be so horrible that you think I'd tell you to leave and never return?"

"I was the one who beat you up."

She began laughing.

"Look, AJ, I don't remember anything from that night, first off. Second of all, even if you'd beat me up I don't think I could hold a grudge."

I looked at her, completely shocked.

"From what I hear tell, there were about twenty of us who initially started in on you. I'm embarrassed that I was even in a group like that. I'd like to think I'm better than that, and before this happened I would have sworn to you I would never have tried to hurt someone with my abilities."

The half smile she'd had on her face the entire time fell away, and a couple of tears fell down her cheeks.

"I'm going to ask my sensei to remove my belt from me. I really don't deserve it anymore."

"No, you can't do that. I goaded you all into it, and you might have been a little drunk, and I think it might have been your date that I kneed in the balls before half the guys turned and ran."

"Which one did you knee?"

"Tall blond with a dog collar."

"Which tall blond with a dog collar?"

"Um…no leather jacket."

"Steve? No, I don't much like Steve, but I wouldn't really like you attacking someone without provocation."

"One of the girls had already decked me at this point."

"You know what? I don't care. I'll trust you when you say that I acted honorably, but I don't want to hear the details. If someone as small as you could take me apart, I need to practice more. I'm supposed to be able to defend myself, and that's what I'm training to do."

"To be fair, I don't fight…um…fair. I was using the press of bodies, and the enclosed space, to give myself an advantage. Also, most people think in terms of one on one, so when they go against one person as a group they get in each other's way. The trick is to get them there at the same time."

"Well, AJ, how's this? If you promise me that you'll never do anything like it again, I will look the other way when you start dating my brother."

I smiled at this before her words sank in, "Wait, when? But I'm…and he's certainly not…"

"Birth defects aside, you're a girl, AJ. Should you change that, it will be a change. Remember that. It's the only advice I have for you right now."

I really didn't know how to take this bit of advice, but it was welcome. It was something that required thought, so I gave it the attention that it deserved. Theresa was kind enough at that point to simply leave me to my own thinking.

The more I thought about it, the more it made sense.

Mom and dad always did teach me to recognize the truth. That didn't mean that I had a childhood without fantasy. I just recognized where fantasy and reality differed. A gift from Santa was just a special gift from my parents. My imaginary friend was not real. I was a girl. It was all a simple progression.

"Theresa, can girls really become boys?"

She smiled at me. "Your doctor would know better than me, but with your equipment it would probably be easier than for others. It's ready-made after all."

"Yeah, you have a point there."

To be or not to be? Better to think of it in terms of to be a boy or to be a girl. Both positives. To be myself…but who was I?

"Theresa? Why are you even putting up with me?"

"Truth? Because I have nothing else to do, and staring at the walls is driving me a bit crazy. Also, you might just be my future sister-in-law so I want to get to know you some before the big day."

I blushed and turned my head away–mostly to hide the smile.

When I glanced back at Theresa, she had a look of shock on her face.

"You're lying, aren't you?"

"What? I really am intersexed."

"No, not about that. I remember your braid. Not from the fight–from before that. You picked us, my friends and I, because of Steve. There was no excuse for his actions."

"That's not the reason. I'm to blame." I was panicked now. I had to be punished for my actions. I was hurting people. It didn't matter how I picked my victims. This was what I deserved. There wasn't a happy ending for me. I needed to be a boy so I could continue to be punished.

"It's all my fault. Everything is my fault. You have to believe that. Please. I'm irredeemable." I was crying. They had to believe me. Everyone had to see me the way I saw myself.

Theresa grabbed me with her good hand before I could move more than a couple of inches. In the position I was, I simply didn't have the leverage to break her grip.

"AJ, no. I remember what happened before that alley. Sure, you were wearing clothing to emphasize your supposed maleness, but everyone could see that you were not quite the boy you appeared. You didn't move right."

I was feebly struggling to get away as I began to cry harder.

"I am a boy. Please, let me go."

"AJ, stop. Please. Steve had no right to do that."

The feel of his lips as he…I had to leave. "Please, let me go. Please. I have to go. I'm a bad person. I asked for it. Every time it was my fault. It's always my fault."

The memories began pressing down on top of me. Every touch. Every look. Every word. "NO!!!"

I collapsed there on her floor. My legs no longer had the strength to support me. Time went away as I lay there on the ground and sobbed. "Let me be a boy. Let me have the strength to protect myself. I don't want to feel like this. I need to be a boy. No one will attack me if I'm a boy. If I just show them I'm a boy, I'll be safe."

When I said that I'd never lost a fight, I'm sorry to say I was lying. Give me a clear target, and of course I can win. Leave me free to move and I am unstoppable.

It was the times when I'd been limited in movement that I'd lost. When they'd surprised me in my room in Juvie…when I'd been asleep…

"I am to blame."

I'd made all of them pay, and everyone else had left me alone. I felt in control while I was exacting the punishment that no one else would provide.

"It's all my fault."

It had become easier to fight than to feel after that.

"AJ, STOP IT."

I heard the anger in her voice, and I whimpered but stopped.

"It is neither ladylike to lie on the floor, nor is it ladylike to whimper. Get up!"

I slowly picked myself up and sat back in the chair.

"Damn, girl. You're broken. You need to talk to someone. You need to tell someone the truth."

I looked at her, shocked.

"Buh…"

"Full words. And if you're going to sit there, at least show good posture."

I sat a little straighter, but I looked at her strangely, "You're not a therapist of some sort, are you?"

"No, not a therapist, and you should really talk to a professional, but I am a student of human behavior. I like watching people."

"So, what do you see when you watch me?"

"AJ, the first thing you need to realize is that you are a girl. That is what your mannerisms, even the small ones, tell people. If you really feel that you want to be a boy, then you need to change your mannerisms. That's why I told you that it would be a change for you to be a boy."

"I thought you meant a physical change."

"Yes, you'll need to have your breasts cut into, and the mammary material removed. You'll have your uterus cut out as well."

I shuddered at her terms. "Why not just call it a breast reduction and a hysterectomy?"

"Because those terms are too clean for you. You need to really consider what you are doing. Like the fact that if you do decide to be a girl they will cut off your penis."

I waited for the same revulsion that I had at her other terms, and it just didn't come. A perplexed expression came to my face.

"Did you realize something?"

"How come I didn't have the same feeling about someone cutting off my penis as cutting into…as removing…"

"Well, either the action isn't as real to you, something you just don't contemplate, or it doesn't fit with your self-image."

"How do I tell?"

"Can you picture yourself with a vagina? Can you picture yourself as a complete physical female?"

I sat there for a moment. Could I mentally erase my boy bits? It was a lot easier that I'd thought, which just confused me even more.

"AJ, you told me part of the story earlier. Why don't you really start at the beginning? Tell me why you feel you need to be a boy. You don't have to, if you don't want to, but I'd like to hear it."

"Okay."

When I started to talk, everything just flooded out. I talked about the things I'd never told anyone else. I had a couple of good cries. Teresa joined me in my cries a couple of times. Talking about the bad times helped me to get through them.

She was a good listener, making few comments, and mostly just helping me to express myself better. Something seemed to click for me.

"You were trying to stop me from hurting myself or others in that fight, weren't you? You were trying to break it up."

"Why do you say that?"

"Because it's who you are. You help people."

"I'm not completely sure you're right, but since you can remember it, and I can't, I think I'll have to take your word for it. Will you do me the same courtesy?"

"How?"

"I want you to get your doll out of the attic. You don't have to play with her, or do anything but give her the shelf over your window. Can you do that for me?"

I smiled. That was exactly what I wanted to do anyway.

I was about to say so when a couple of police officers bust through the door.

"Oh, we're sorry ladies. We're looking for a fugitive. There isn't a man in your bathroom is there?"

"Are you looking for Aaron Smith?" I asked.

The officers looked startled but one of them nodded.

"I'm Aaron Smith."

"Then we have to place you under arrest for violating the terms of your in-home confinement."