Elemental Awakening: Fire - Part 1
By Blackout
This is a new storyline I had in the back of my mind for a while I started writing it and continued until I decided to post this first chapter. Hope you enjoy!
Kyle Thorn loved the out doors and the Grand Canyon. Little did he know he was chosen for something greater. A destiny he could not run from. The future may be unclear but if he does nothing the world will surely fall into Chaos!
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I was having a blast climbing and exploring the Grand Canyon with my family. My name is Kyle Thorn. If people asked what was my favorite thing I would tell them I really love the outdoors. The trip to the Grand Canyons was one of my family’s yearly trips. I was jumping up and down throwing rocks and checking out the view. People describe me as having short blond hair that is all ruffled up, with dark brown eyes and a serious face. They say that I loved nature to a fault, and almost all the dirt of my outdoor activities sticks to me. I have whitish skin but was getting a farmers tan of sorts because of all the time I spend outside. Seriously, I could not get enough of the sun the heat warmed my body and left me feeling whole.
“Hey outdoors freak, put on some sunscreen or else you will burn”
“Alright already Ashley, I will put on some sunscreen”. That annoying voice always telling me what to do like she knew best was my two year younger sister, and unlike me she did not like nature. I was eighteen and she was sixteen. Even though we fought a lot I consider us close. We loved each other as siblings do and I would protect her if need be. She was a blonde beauty with bright blue eyes and a face that asked to be kissed.
“Hey, Kyle, time to pack up and head to the camp site”.
“Ok dad will do”. Their dad had brown hair a good smile and brown eyes. He was also relatively built, and still could see a few bulging, muscles. Kyle’s and Ashley’s mom followed behind him. She was blonde with blue eyes and looked like an older version of Ashley. Are parent’s names were Mike and Laura but we just called them mom and dad.
I quickly packed all his wilderness gear and got in the family minivan. When everything was done and packed we started driving for the campsite. So here I sat in the car as we drove for what seemed like hours my sister was blasting some Lady Gaga song that to be all honest did not interest me that much. I just never was into music that much. I preferred the outdoors for company.I wanted to complain but that would only cause me more problems I thought. So I just stuck my fingers in my ears and pressed real hard.
After we finally got there I was relieved to finally be able to get out of the cramped car. I stretched my body and started to towards the wilderness.
“Kyle you can play in the wilderness after you help me unload the minivan and set up camp”.
“OK Dad, let’s get this done quickly”.
I quickly ran to dad and helped him begin to unpack the car ready to go out and explore the Cliffside. We had rented a very isolated camping spot and I would probably not be bothered by anyone except my family which means I could really get in touch with nature here.
I started to lift the stuff out of the minivan and lay our equipment on or around the picnic table nearby. After we were done unloading the car I further helped my dad unpack the equipment and then we began setting up the tents. There was one for mom and dad, one for me, and one for my sister Ashley. For some reason after mom’s and dad’s tent Ashley got the next biggest and I got the smallest. Apparently it had something to do with girls needing more space, but don’t ask me why that is. Frankly I thought it was unfair and they just spoiled her because she was their baby girl. I could hardly believe just being a different gander meant that you needed that much room but I guess with the amount of luggage she brought more luggage was needed. What could she possibly have that would require three bags for just a week of camping. I only brought one bad and mom and dad brought three together. So by person to bag ratio she brought the most luggage. Again this all had something to do with that whole girl thing, I would never understand that.
After I was finally done unpacking and setting up camp with dad I immediately went out to explore the canyons. Even though we live in Arizona only a few miles away we only come out to spend time here once a year. When you live somewhere you tend to just ignore the sightseeing where you live. I was kind of bored of the dirt behind my house.
Don’t get me wrong I loved all out doors, woods, forests and lakes. But there was just something about the Grand Canyon and it stony landscape that just appealed to me and took my breath away. I loved the way the sun hit the rocks and the heat of the sun felt on me here. I have always loved heat with a passion for some reason. Heat and fire, it felt warm and strong. The fire was passionate and uncontrolled it was its own ruler and it was free to leap and dance around in nature, full of power. I was both life and destruction. Like when a forest is destroyed by a fire, life can also come from it; a fire clears room for new vegetation to grow and leaves the grown with a new fresh coat of fertilizer. People just did not understand that you could not fight nature and fire was a process of nature when things burned it was Mother Nature making room for new life.
Just looking at the Grand Canyon reminded me that there were all sorts of nature out there. The Grand Canyon for seem reason reminded me of a flame, full of life and energy, yet death and destruction. All different types of diverse animals lived here. They had adapted and grown over time, and it was survival of the fittest, eat or be eaten. In my opinion this was just how fire gave birth to new life.
When I was younger my parents thought I was some sort of pyro maniac I lit things on fire just for the fun of it all the time. As I said I just like the passion of the flame, and what kid does not like to burn things, it’s just cool and fun.
So here I was in the Grand Canyon with my binoculars, water bottle, camera, a notebook, and pencil. One of my hobbies was categorizing and classifying nature as I said I was big for the outdoors. I especially enjoyed the salamander there was just something about it I thought was so cool like how it could release itself from its tail to escape predators.
As time passed it began to get darker and darker and I released I wondered a good ways away from the camp. Mom and Dad would not be happy if I did not get back before Dinner time. So I started to walk back, on the way I kept getting the district feeling like I was being watched by some sort of predator. I heard some growls and saw once or twice what appeared to be eyes watching me from the shadows and behind rocks. I dismissed it as just one of the Mountain Lions, which were dangerous so I started to run back for camp where dad had the shot gun. I was always told not to wonder off to far, now the one time I did wander off to far I was put in danger. Somewhere in my mind I knew it was not a Mountain lion I had studied all the creatures here in the Grand Canyon and this growl did not sound like a Mountain Lion but maybe I was just hearing wrong.
It took me about an hour to get back to camp. Even with running I felt extremely worn out. What do you expect from someone running rough terrain for an hour?
“I think some mountain lion was stalking me” I told mom and dad. This so dad would be prepared as the lion may have followed me back to the camp.
“I do tell you not to wander too far away from camp; it can get dangerous out there”.
“I know. I’m sorry”.
“Well as long as you understand Kyle, your only punishment is to go feel the pitcher with water for us”.
I grabbed the pitcher and filled it to quickly return to the barbeque dad had made us. We had typical hotdogs and hamburgers. My dad made really good barbeque and I kept eating and eating. It was important to eat everything so to not attract predators anyway.
“I swear his stomach is a bottomless pit”. Mom said.
“He is a growing boy honey of course his stomach is bottomless”.
“How can boys eat that much, if a girl eats that much she would get fat!” Ashley told us.
We all just laughed enjoying our family time. After the meal we decided to roast some s'mores. I was the type that completely burnt my s'more as I said I like fire and it just looked better burnt. Plus I did not have the patience to go for golden brown like my sister. She took all that effort just for one golden brown s’more. I really did not understand my sister most of the time.
Once that was all done it was about time to go to bed. I brushed my teeth. Did all my nighttime rituals and then headed to my small tent for some well-deserved shut eye. I stayed up for an hour or two to read through a book I was reading. After that I lay down turned off my lights and went to bed.
“Kyle Wake Up” someone was banging and swaying my tent back and forth.
“Come on Kyle I need you”. I recognized that voice it was Ashley. I checked my watch and realized it was two o’clock in the morning what could Ashley be doing up at this time in the night.
“Ashley what’s wrong?”
“I need to go to the bathroom and I don’t want to go out in the wilderness by myself it scares me. Please come with me”.
So that why she woke me up made sense we had to wonder out a little to go to the bathroom in nature as we did not want to go to the bathroom to close to the camp site. Are parents told us that we were not to wander out to go to the bathroom before getting someone else to come with just in case anything were to happen.
“Ok Ashley just gives me a second to throw on pants, and a shirt. I will put my shoes on and be right out”.
After I got out I saw a funny picture of Ashley crossing her legs trying her hardest not to pee herself. We walked a fair distance away from our camp. Ashley had me stand back a good ways away so she could go to the bathroom in private behind a rock. It was about three minutes later when I heard Ashley shriek. Something was probably attacking her like a mountain lion.
I ran to where she was there I saw my sister screaming in horror with her pants down. She was pointing to something near a bush. I turned that way and was shocked by what I saw. It was not mountain lion in fact I had no idea what this creature was and I knew all the species that inhabited this region. It looked almost like an oversized dog; in fact I would say it was an oversized dog. It had rough and muffled brown fur with all sorts of entrails or blood matted into the fur. It had blood shot red eyes and two large dog ears sticking out from its head. When its mouth opened I saw a mouth with large sharp fangs. This dog like creature was drooling all over, there was so much drool coming out of its mouth I did not even know how to describe it. I knew this was no dog, no dog got this big it was ginormous and from the looks of it blood thirsty.
“Ashley go run back to camp and get dad I will keep whatever this is occupied”.
“AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH”.
Her voice actually caused and Avalanche! Rock came right between me and her, leaving me trapped here with the beast. I was never more terrified in my life here was this unknown giant hungry dog creature and it looked like I was on its menu.
Ashley had already took off in the direction of camp and the dog like most creatures smelling one of its pretty getting away let out a low and strong growl!
“Raewwrewraaaa!”
“That growl was the same I heard following me early today. So this was what was following me. What the hell is this dog like creature?
I did not have time to ponder it as breathed fire at me.
“What the heck!”
There was only one creature that this could be but they were only legend how could there be a real hell hound here in Arizona. I could not believe my eyes; I just stared dumbly at it. Bad idea cause the next second it lunged at me, burying it fangs into my side. It hurt like hell it was literally tearing up my bones and cooking me alive at the same time.
“AAAWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” my voice echoed though out the Canyon.
I quickly picked up a stick and jabbed it into the creature’s eyes. “Take that!”… [pant]…[pant].
I was just in so much pain thankful the creature loosed it grip and I dropped out of its mouth. I was bleeding all over the area of the giant bite mark I was burnt to a crisp I was lucky to be alive for now. But how much longer till I bleed to death? The bite was worse than a shark bite; imagine being bitten by a creature that had a jaw was as twice as powerful, sharp and big then any shark and you would understand the situation I am in. It hurt like hell literally I was screaming in agonizing pain and I had no way to escape.
I got really lucky though because the creature growled one more time before turning and fleeing down the path it came from. I could not think straight. What the hell just happened?
I had to find help fast. Oh geez it hurt so badly. I had never been in this much pain in my entire life. I could not go back to the camp with the avalanche and neither could my family come and rescue me. If I did not get help soon I was going to die. My only hope was to continue walking and hope I ran into another camp that could help me. My chances were slim but when that was the only choice I had I decided to go with it.
So I began pulling and pushing my way down the path losing more and more blood. As I pushed further and further I was losing more and more blood. Each step caused me more pain and was getting slower. I still found no camp sites anywhere. If this kept up I was going to die soon despite the fact that I had used my boy scout training to wrap my shirt and pants around myself to slow the bleeding it was just too much. I decided it was about time to give up and die there was nothing I could do. At the very least at least Ashley was able to get away. I went inside a rocky cavern and just sat in there waiting to die, maybe the cavern had some sort of animal in there and I could be useful to the creatures here I loved this Canyon and as long as I made it a little better here I would be happy.
That’s when I noticed something strange there was a deep hole in the back of the cavern, and it looked like some animal dug it. I was truly curious what it could have been I went to it to get a closer look. From the look of the hole it looked about big enough for a human to crawl through and I could not even see the end of it. With that I decided if I was going to die anyway I might as well do some exploring first, you know some fun before I die. So I began crawling down the hole it really hurt considering the hole was so narrow and I was bleeding to death.
I continued climbing down the passage further and further. Who knew what I would find it seemed like I had been crawling for a good five minutes and it just kept getting deeper and deeper. I wondered how far it would go. Things began to get weird the further I went down the tunnel the tunnel was beginning to get bigger and bigger. It seemed like the passage was expanding the further I went down, soon I was able to slouch my way down and so I just continued walking down.
About ten minutes later the tunnel basically opened up to allow a full walk now I was really confused there was no way an animal made this descending passage it seemed like the work of humans and I had no idea what was going on. At this point I was crawling but I was so curious to see what was at the end I forced myself to keep on walking. There was enough room to walk or even run down the path but I was in no condition to so I just kept on slouching and crawling my way down now. I had lost so much blood I had no Idea why I was still alive now. I guess it was my determination to see what lay ahead of me in this tunnel.
Some twenty more minutes went by until I saw what looked like a bright red light ahead. Until now I had been in constant darkness the only way I knew what was around me was because of my hands. The light hurt my eyes that had become so accustomed to this dark passageway.
I moved as quickly as possible to the cavern of red light determined to see what it was before I died. When I finally got to the end of the passage what I saw shocked me. It was a large open space of some sort that appeared to be a shrine. In the middle at the way back of giant room was something that looked like a pool of some kind. There were some wooden doors around this giant room that must have led to somewhere. Some big stone pillars were carved out all over the room and the one on either side of me went in a row leading to some sort of altar with steps in front of the pool of what seemed to be magma.
I say seemed because there was the sound of magma that I only heard in videos from eruptions of volcanoes with lava. That and it was unbearably hot here. Honestly I was burning up and not in the good way any more of this and I would die. Oh wait I was going to die anyway.
So I continued moving forward I wanted to see this altar and pool of magma. Step by step I approached this altar when I finally arrived at its base I began to ascend the stairs, geez it hurt so bad at this point I was at the end of my ropes. I was going to die any minute now and nothing in the world could save me.
I continued climbing the large staircase pulling myself up and finally arrived at the top what I saw there shocked me. There was some golden table right before coming to what was definitely a pool of magma. Who dug this far into the earth? What was this place built for? All sorts of question popped into my mind I kept moving forward by now the heat was unbearable. I managed to lay my bloody hands on the stone table probably used back in the day for sacrificing, if any normal human could bear this heat for long. Then I fell gasping as I knew the end of my life had come. Just as I was about to go unconscious and die something amazing happened.
The pool of lava literally shot up in the air, as if a volcano was exploding. It was so beautiful I was glad I got to see that before I died.
“Do not give up on life to soon young one!”
I must have been so out of it I was hearing things who could have spoken to me down here. A place that seemed like no human being had come to in ages.
“You’re coming here was destiny my child” It was a distinct yet powerful female voice and somehow it was calming.
“I am Pyra the Elemental force of fire, one of the proud guardians of Mother Earth. You’re coming here was destined to be young one. You have the capacity to be my Avatar, your love of nature and your passion of fire will make you a worthy avatar indeed for me. I will grant you my power and save your life, though the results will not make you happy. You will be confused but I am here for you my child”.
Well saving my life sounded pretty good why would I be unhappy about that?
“Sleep my child when you wake up I will explain all to you, you have a great destiny awaiting you”.
For some reason I knew I could trust the voice and I allowed myself to fall into the darkness that was a long time coming.
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I blinked it was so bright and hot around me and yet so comfortable. I must be in heaven I thought. So I just laid there for a few minutes everything felt strange to me like my body was not my own I really had no Idea what was going on anymore.
After a few minutes I finally opened my eyes shocked to see I was still in the room that appeared to be a shrine. I remembered all that had happened to me just before being quite shocked to find I was alive I put my hand to my waist.
Immediately I noticed a lot of things were wrong. First were I was bitten by a hell hound yesterday there was no longer any wound what so ever anymore. I was quite shocked to say the least who ever had healed me was not some normal human being. Right away I recalled Pyra, but that was not the most shocking. I looked at my waist and it was dam right tiny now. My waist was curvier. My hands were also petite and small, and my arms were no longer muscled and hairy. Instead they were dainty and smooth, and there did not seem to be any hair on them what so ever. But what was the most shocking was the large boobs protruding from my chest!
“I have boobs” I shrieked.
The world no longer made sense to me. I was so upset now. Somehow I had lived but became a girl. While I was happy to be alive becoming a girl I was not happy about at all. I loved being a boy exploring the wilderness and being a boy scout. There was no way I could do all that anymore to the same degree especially the boy scouts. I would be more likely to be going around selling cookies in a FREAKING skirt.
For some reason I started crying right there. I had just lost my balls and now I was crying. It must have been the hormones I was definitely turned into a girl. I was so upset now I could not stop crying. I liked girls there was no way I could return home now. But wait did I still like girls now, there’s no way I could like guys now right? I decided to come back to that topic later. For now I guess I had to be happy to be alive. I was trying to stop crying when I heard the voice again.
“I am sorry young one but all guardians of Mother Nature are female and therefore my avatar will be female”.
“This was destined to be my child”.
“Why?” I screamed as loud as I could by new girl voice was so high pitch and girlie, in fact I sounded a lot like my sister.
“Would you rather be dead child?”
“No” I muttered. “But was there really no way to save my life as a guy?” I finally looked up and what I saw shocked me there standing in the pool of lava was what could only be described as a Fire Elemental. She had the shape and body of a human female supermodel, but she was made entirely of flames. Pyra as she called herself was standing right in the middle of the pool of magma.
“No I could not, I am sorry my child. But being alive is worth it and this meeting was destiny, you were born to become my avatar!”
“If you say so” I cried. I was just in so much pain now mentally in a matter of hours I went from a guy to a girl. I loved being a guy why would anyone in the heavens plan this for me.
“You have a large challenge awaiting you. I am afraid you are the first avatar to be awakened but we are in dire need of you now”.
“What do you need me for? I asked. As I said that I brushed a beautiful long strand of blonde hair from my face. Geez being a girl must get annoying, how do they handle long hair?”
“You remember the hellhound that attacked you. A powerful witch has been summoning mystical creatures from the other realm to bring chaos to this world. The beasts are not evil but they do not belong out in the open of this world, we need our avatars to obtain these beasts and bring them back to be sent to the other world”.
“Is that all?” I asked sarcastically.
“Don’t take this lightly my daughter this is a huge task. This Grand Canyon is the biggest representations of the land of fire which is why I reside here. Wherever there is a realm of fire more and more of the beast of fire will be brought over like that hellhound”.
“How am I supposed to face them?” I asked.
“I have granted you my power when the time comes you will know for now go back to your family. You’re at your mental limit and if I said anymore now I am afraid I will break you”.
“And how am I supposed to contact you?”
“We are linked now my child, we can talk to each other whenever you feel like it. Now go my avatar, your time has come”.
With that I tuned and ran out of the chamber crying at the top of my lungs. I just couldn’t help it I was so pissed, angry, and confused, and I had no idea where to take my anger out on. It was as if my world had come to an end around me.
I made my way up the tunnel step by step somehow my body seemed to glow like fire and I could see around me. The walls I now noticed were covered with what looked like ancient writing. I felt exposed and naked as well. I had put back on my bloody shirt and pants and had continued up like that. There was no way I was showing up at camp as a naked girl. Still I felt like something was missing and I felt very exposed as well as gross in those bloody shirt and pants, except more than usual.
At the thought of family I began to cry worse again. What was my family going to think of me now? I had completely become a girl. Moving my way back up through the tunnel, I began to finally have to crawl again. After what seemed like thirty minutes I finally got to the surface. I was not ready to head back to camp, but it seemed I had no choice in the matter. I was still crying and I hated it, but whatever the future held I would have to face it.
With that thought I stepped out of the cavern into the bright day. The morning sun beaming down on me.
Comments
My hands hurt
I spent like 6 hours writing this story no break but for dinner. I hope you like this story.
Please tell me if you would like to see more of these stories. I can finish this over time and have ideas for other elemental avatars.
Also I am looking for a full time editor again. Someone who can handle allot of stories. I need one.
Please let me know of any editing needed to be done.
Elemental
Please continue it
Samantha
SPOILER ALERT: My ideas for the story (universe?)
Elemental temples correspond to landscape. You won't find th water temple in the dessert.
I want the water shrine in Hawaii.
Capturing and transporting creatures back to the Mythical Realm!
Fighting against the witch. More info on the witch to come.
Eventual team up of elemental avatars.
Elemental Avatars travel to mythical realm (caretakers).
I believe you all have a sense of what this elemental is all about. An elemental is not limited to the fire, wind, water, and Earth. Those are the four basic elemental guardians of Mother Nature.
Also what of mother nature herself.
did you ever look at my Vision spring series?
Did something like this. Look forward to more from this series though.
"Let me succeed. If I cannot succeed let me be brave in the attempt." Pledge of the Special Olympics.
dorothycolleen
Elemental Awakening: Fire - Part 1
According to DC Comics, an Elemental has complete control over an aspect of nature such as: fire, water, air, and life. and can not kill another Elemental/ http://dc.wikia.com/wiki/Category:Elementals
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
Elementals...
...I believe, have been described for at least five centuries before Detective Comics came into existence. Let's see how our author uses the tradition instead of confining the discussion to modern graphic stories. (From the header, this is NOT part of the Comics Retcon series.)
Eric
Salamanders
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Salamander_(legendary_creature)
The salamander is considered the elemental of fire
I mentioned salamander in here.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elemental
Don't you ever let my
Warped ideas lead you in these promising series - I would suggest (in jest ;P ) to use Radiation as an element, possibly as a conjunction of air, earth and fire. Note, the avatar of this would have wonderful power to completely purify any water, to vaporise (without heating up first) its targets (not too big though - just small objects like dust, pebbles and shards, but engraving skillz will be rather good), and transmuting (with extreme effort) substances. Oh, and will also have visible light manipulation as a cover for these.
Keep it up, it's a good start!
Faraway
Big Closet Top Shelf
Where you can fool around like you want to and most you get is some bemused good ribbing!
Faraway
Big Closet Top Shelf
Where you can fool around like you want to and most you get is some bemused good ribbing!
Elements in Fiction
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Elements_in_fiction
This is a a wiki list with other element ideas. I like some of them a lot, and some I am not sure on.
"Elementals are beings either born from or with a strong affinity to one or more elements, and often with a debilitating weakness to opposing elements. Elementals are usually anthropomorphic or humanoid in shape; however, their manifestation is the element they represent, such as an earth elemental having a body of stone, or a fire elemental being a living flame or a dark figure enshrouded by smoke and fire."
This series will have a lot of mythical creatures.
I am going to set up the majority of the series idea with the story of the fire elemental.
Hmmm, radiation...
Could as well be a nasty element, as in gamma and particle radiation. Obvious powers include causing radiation sickness, and with more effect making things radioactive...
...think Tennyo from the Whateleyverse if she is not careful with her powers.
Just to point out
Radiation is most frightening due to two factors. One - we can't detect it via our senses. What we can't see - we fear. Two - it produces effects unlike everything most people encounter in daily life.
What I named were actual uses radiation has - purification of water, and treating the surfaces in various ways. Mostly, it would depend on the avatar knowing what to do to produce which effect, so it's a case of 'smart power'.
And no, instances when radiation itself (as opposed to radioactive elements spreading out) makes things it affected radioactive is less of a rule and more of an exception. It only 'lingers' in two cases - when the energy is very, very excessive, and when the radiation is neutrons. In most other cases, it's the immediate effects and their chemical aftereffects that matter, and cases of secondary irradiation are rare.
Though indeed, this power can effectively place a 'death curse' with a single burst of radiation.
Faraway
Big Closet Top Shelf
Where you can fool around like you want to and most you get is some bemused good ribbing!
Faraway
Big Closet Top Shelf
Where you can fool around like you want to and most you get is some bemused good ribbing!
For an example from classical literature.
Look at the 'spirit of air', Ariel, from The Tempest.
I'll get a life when it's proven and substantiated to be better than what I'm currently experiencing.
By sunday
I hope to have part two up by Sunday. Tonight I was just to tired to type anything but some work. Tomorrow I am hoping to get up another center story so the next part I hope to get up by Sunday. I am glad to see people enjoyed the story at least to some degree or another.
I'm wondering why you chose
I'm wondering why you chose the Grand Canyon for your fire element, when it's a feature created by water. I'd have thought something like Yellowstone would make more sense?
Why
I chose it for its rocky texture and it screamed fire in my mind regardless of the fact that the canyon was made by water. Its rocky land and mountains give it a sense of destruction and yet it is pretty even though it is very rocky. Like fire is pretty even though its dangerous it has a passion a flare. The whole setting seemed right for my fire element. I did not want a place with many tree surrounding it. I also wanted the terrain to be treacherous. Fire creatures like a hell-hound seemed to make more sense and look better in the Grand Canyon terrain.
Also I am sorry I did not post part two on Sunday I want to get it done soon. I was really busy.
Hot Stuff
I like your story but like the last commenter I would have expected a different location, Yellowstone also sprang to my mind, because of the active hot dome, BUT perhaps the Kilauea Volcano on the big island of Hawaii. Don't rewrite it but perhaps a move in the future to a main temple?
A few problems...
Well, the grammar in the begining was so bad i almost stopped reading (im glad i didn't)
and im not griping about spelling.. people misspell.. it's a given
i mean like.."I was having a blast climbing and exploring the Grand Canyon with his family"
in your very first sentence there was a problem with what prospective you were trying to tell the story from.. 1st or 3rd?
Sure it could have been a simple mistake.. but that same problem persisted in the first couple paragraphs of the story.
Also you said he lived close to the canyon... yet in his back yard is a forest?? i wasnt aware Arizona had forests.
Sorry, im not trying to discourage you at all... this is a great story once i got over the mistakes
reply
thanks for pointing out some mistakes.
As for the forest. First they don't live in the canyon but relatively close by and second there are forests in Arizona although not many. It was not a big forest. But if it helps I could change it to just in the backyard, it was not essential to the story.
As for the whole temple location issue, yes I do plan there to be a main temple in a sense but that is for later. I have the desert in mine for the Main temple.
There is no more forest though as I want to avoid confusion and it was not important to the story.
Also about the first paragraph I did go over that a few times and was aware of some of the issues as they had been pointed out before, still going over and trying to correct them all. I most likely missed a few. I did find more and hope to continue making these stories as enjoyable as possible.
Chapter one
I'm sure it is a good story as I have only begun reading it but your word power I must admit is rather weak. I will try to continue however.
District feeling?
It took me about an hour to get back to camp. Even with running I felt extremely worn out. What do you expect from someone running rough terrain for an hour?
“I do tell you not to wander too far away from camp; it can get dangerous out thereâ€.
“I know. I’m sorryâ€.
“Well as long as you understand Kyle, your only punishment is to go feel the pitcher with water for usâ€.
I'm sorry but this kind of story telling may just drive me insane lol!
Awakening
Great imagining and setting for general issues of good/bd, life/death, gender precepts
Look forward to reading on.
First time reading your work
JessieC
Jessica E. Connors
Jessica Connors