I never had that certainty that I was a girl inside, but I always knew I was different. I was kind of a loner from an early age, I didn't fit in with the rest of the lads because I just wasn't interested in the same things, and I didn't fit in with the girls, largely because they saw me as an invader from the other side. I started dressing in my early teens and I'm not sure even now how much of that was a feminine side of me trying to get out and how much was me looking for a new way of living that wasn't so lonely and depressing.

If I were offered the chance to do it all over again as a girl I'm pretty sure I'd make a better job of it; I'd almost certainly be happier in myself, although I do wonder how much so if I ended up as a plain Jane. If there were a way to be transformed into an attractive woman, I'd take it in a heartbeat (wouldn't be interested if there were the same opportunity to change into a strong, good looking guy), and whilst I might look back wistfully from time to time, I'm sure I would be happier.

I think though that I'd be happiest if, rather than having to choose between being a man or being a woman, I could elect to be me. That is to say, physically male as I came into this world, but able to express my personality and feelings openly and in part through the clothes I choose to wear without fear of reprisals (either from narrow minded individuals who feel the need attack anyone who chooses to be different, or from friends and family who would be hurt and confused by my being different.)

I have a feeling that this isn't likely to ring to loud a bell with Dorothy as I get the impression that you feel the wrongness more strongly than me, but I have this idea that the reason it's so hard to live as a man when you have this going on inside you is because society has a very tightly defined and controlled idea on what a man should be. Women have a long history of being collaborative and supportive of one another (broad strokes; I know they can be bitchy and evil as well) that stretches well back to hunter-gatherer days, whereas men tend to be far more competitive and combative. One outcome of this is that when a woman wears something new and different, she's more likely to get a supportive response from her friends whereas if a guy tried it, he'd be laughed out the pub for being different. I think this is in part why there seem to be a lot fewer F to M TG than M to F, because it's easier to express yourself as yourself if you're a woman (range goes from tomboy to glam-girl).

I have some ideas for stories to explore this sort of thinking, which I'll try to get onto after I've finished my current project, but to cut off the ramble before it gets too dull, what I would like to see most of all is a broader range of acceptable behaviour and dress for men. Unfortunately that is only going to come after a long, painful struggle to affect the way people think.

Embrace the different, it'll enrich your life.

Maeryn