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I am struggling to find the right words to describe my gender dilemma, especially to people who have no experience with the subject. The closest i can come is that its like Dorothy is pushing from the inside, wanting to be out, and being blocked by my physical body, so there is this constant pressure and pain. Any one have any ideas?
ook ook
Imagine that like Tarzan, you were raised all your life by gorillas to think that you were one. But then explorers arrived in the jungle and you realized that you weren't a gorilla after all. However, unlike Tarzan, you've been sewn into a gorilla costume, so when you approach the explorers they run away, and you can't convince anyone that you're not really a gorilla on the inside. If anyone would just dare to take a close enough look, they'd see the real you. But no one does.
Shoes on the wrong feet.
I did not author this idea, but someone once related to me that it felt like wearing their shoes on the wrong feet.
There is also an old book of essays out, but I can not think what the name is. Cathy Michael uses it to proselethise T folk and those wanting to understand. I am sure that a PM to her will get you the name. I had the book but my move to Ohio caused it and so many other things fell by the way side.
You are on the same journey that I started 20 years ago. Oh so many frighened women did it before me. Sometimes you travel joyously, others with abject terror, others in the deepest of sorrow.
Much peace.
Khadijah
May I suggest reading a
May I suggest reading a story based upon the life of a BIG CLOSET authoress? http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/book/14291/tragedy-spirit-revised .
May Your Light Forever Shine
May Your Light Forever Shine
Conflicted--in a lesser way
I feel for you, Dorothy.
I am conflicted in a lesser way, I suppose. For the most part, I am accepting of my male side. This is good, as I am 6'3" and cannot pass for female on a moonless night. If I was given a magic ring to change into a woman--a cute and believable woman--I'd do it in a heartbeat, as long as I could change back when I desired. Beside the fact that I have family obligations to people I love, I don't really know if I would want to be female 24/7. I know that as a young teenager I had no indication that I wanted to be wholly female. I dressed in secret, and sometimes cried myself to sleep wishing for beautiful breasts, but I never had that certainty that I was really a woman on the inside. I desired aspects of femininity...but did I desire to be a woman? I compromise in my adult life, allowing some of my feminine side to surface at times. Compassion and caring are good for overriding male abruptness and anger, for instance.
So, I too am conflicted. Just in a different and lesser way. But I can definitely empathize with you. I wish to live my life in a way that I am comfortable. Yet, society frowns on those desires if expressed. I'd love to wear outwardly feminine clothes--with the right cut and style to not look ridiculous on my frame--but I certainly cannot do that. I wear women's jeans that are androgynous enough to pass for men's, but long for the type with outrageous rhinestone designs and stylistic frays. (My legs are my best feature and I can't even show them off!) I am usually in panties because I hate the way men's underwear feels on me, but I mostly compromise with boy shorts that can "almost" pass for men's wear.
I think everyone alive has varying aspects on sliding scales, which I suppose could be mapped onto an n-space mathematical thing. There would be gender identity and sexual orientation, dominance/submission, and many more included. And each person would fall somewhere into that space, but even more...they would float about, moving as they are comfortable at the moment. If only society would let them. Mostly, we have to fit into a narrow range inside that n-space, a range that society has dictated for us. A lot of people are uncomfortable with that, but most of them feel that way for reasons that won't land them in a world of hurt. A girl wants to grow up to be a fire"man", a boy who wants to be a nurse. Those aren't so hard today. Even those with different sexual orientations than the norm are not nearly as despised as those who identify with the "wrong" gender.
Your pain is from your need to fly in n-space to where you are comfortable at this time, but society will not tolerate. I wish we could fly free, as long as we are not hurting others.
I wish that for all of us.
SuZie
SuZie
I feel much the same way
I never had that certainty that I was a girl inside, but I always knew I was different. I was kind of a loner from an early age, I didn't fit in with the rest of the lads because I just wasn't interested in the same things, and I didn't fit in with the girls, largely because they saw me as an invader from the other side. I started dressing in my early teens and I'm not sure even now how much of that was a feminine side of me trying to get out and how much was me looking for a new way of living that wasn't so lonely and depressing.
If I were offered the chance to do it all over again as a girl I'm pretty sure I'd make a better job of it; I'd almost certainly be happier in myself, although I do wonder how much so if I ended up as a plain Jane. If there were a way to be transformed into an attractive woman, I'd take it in a heartbeat (wouldn't be interested if there were the same opportunity to change into a strong, good looking guy), and whilst I might look back wistfully from time to time, I'm sure I would be happier.
I think though that I'd be happiest if, rather than having to choose between being a man or being a woman, I could elect to be me. That is to say, physically male as I came into this world, but able to express my personality and feelings openly and in part through the clothes I choose to wear without fear of reprisals (either from narrow minded individuals who feel the need attack anyone who chooses to be different, or from friends and family who would be hurt and confused by my being different.)
I have a feeling that this isn't likely to ring to loud a bell with Dorothy as I get the impression that you feel the wrongness more strongly than me, but I have this idea that the reason it's so hard to live as a man when you have this going on inside you is because society has a very tightly defined and controlled idea on what a man should be. Women have a long history of being collaborative and supportive of one another (broad strokes; I know they can be bitchy and evil as well) that stretches well back to hunter-gatherer days, whereas men tend to be far more competitive and combative. One outcome of this is that when a woman wears something new and different, she's more likely to get a supportive response from her friends whereas if a guy tried it, he'd be laughed out the pub for being different. I think this is in part why there seem to be a lot fewer F to M TG than M to F, because it's easier to express yourself as yourself if you're a woman (range goes from tomboy to glam-girl).
I have some ideas for stories to explore this sort of thinking, which I'll try to get onto after I've finished my current project, but to cut off the ramble before it gets too dull, what I would like to see most of all is a broader range of acceptable behaviour and dress for men. Unfortunately that is only going to come after a long, painful struggle to affect the way people think.
Embrace the different, it'll enrich your life.
Maeryn