Well, the author of that hurtful message sent me a message to apologize, and although his message is too long for me to share, I would like to share my response.

I find myself conflicted. I appreciate the apology, and I forgive you. But may i point out a couple of things? First, talking about me to (other member) or anybody else behind my back is not any different than any other form of gossip. Perhaps you will learn from this to not say something about a person that you wouldn’t want them to hear.

Second, although you blame (other member) for violating your confidence, you should take responsibility for what you said. If you had called me perverted to (other member), how is that better than saying it to my face? If you had left me a message we could have discussed the issue, and I could make my argument that what i am doing is an attempt by me to live honestly in a way honoring to God.

We might not have changed each others minds, but I would have felt like you have at least given me a hearing rather than simply condemning me without letting me tell my side. As it was, I felt like i was attacked by someone who had never even spent one minute listening to me. I can't recall receiving a hug of encouragement from you, and even in your apology you seem to indicate you only asked to be my friend for (other member’s) sake, and not because you felt anything but repulsion for me and my struggle.

Third, I don't know if you know anyone who is struggling with this issue in the church you attend, but if there are any, and you gave the sermon as you wrote it to (other member), I can guarantee that they would have left the service feeling condemned, not comforted, and then how likely would it be that they would feel like they could come to your church for help in dealing with this struggle?

Its far more likely that they would leave with even more self-hate, which we who have this struggle have in abundance anyway, which is why we who are Christians and have this issue end up doubting their salvation, and many leave the faith and never come back. I am not saying you should open up your doors and welcome me if i came to church in a skirt (although that would be nice) but there might be much kinder ways to state your view without the kind of language you used.

Fourth, let me present the Christian argument for my choices. We who struggle with gender identity are not "perverts". We are men and women who due to receiving a wrong amount of hormones (or the wrong ones) during our development in the womb end up with brains and bodies that do not align. For those of us whose this is most extreme, we end up with few options.

We end up hating ourselves, and some of us become lost in addictions, madness, or even commit suicide because we simply cannot cope with that horror. But as a Christian, I view it as a challenge from God, and I do not wish to fail His test.. I see it as a correctable birth defect, something i can and should fix, no different than if someone was born deaf and was given an opportunity to receive a treatment that would allow them to hear.

My 'treatment" includes living as the woman I know myself to be as preparation for the surgery that will correct that birth defect and allow me to be whole at last, with body and mind in line.

I believe to hide myself is not being honest, and therefore not Christian. God isn't surprised that I feel the way I feel, so I certainly wouldn't be fooling Him by tying to deny it. After years and decades of praying that God take this cross from me, crying and pleading to be "normal", hating myself to the point of believing I was going to Hell for this, and even contemplating suicide, I have come to accept that this is His will for my life.

I am taking my time with this, honoring my responsibilities as a parent, and continue to pray and read my Bible to make sure I am right. But I have more of the fruits of the Spirit now than before I was facing this honestly, I feel closer to God, more secure in my salvation than i have ever had before in my life, and that's about as objective a standard as I can call on to be sure I am right.

As the scripture says "you will know them by their fruit", and I think I am now producing good fruit. I love the LORD, the God of my salvation and only want to get closer to Him, and usually when one is sinning, that isn't the case.

Please consider what i have said, and may God bless you with an heart like His, who laid down His life for his flock.

Still your sister in Christ,

Dorothy