When I agreed to accompany my friend to Ohio, I thought it was a blessing. Some of you were slightly jealous, and I can't blame you. Now that we have been here for slightly over 10 weeks, here is a progress report:
When we got to Ohio, it was hotter than any place I had ever experienced except for Bangkok Thailand, or Maybe Fort Gordon, GA, or Lawton Oklahoma. It was unspeakably hot. I had been in 110 or 120 degree temperatures before but the humidity was low. This at a mere 85 was absolutely smothering because of the humidity. Thankfully, now in November, it freezes at night.
There was a huge surprise for me when we got here, because my room mate is like totally broke. So, now I am doing 2/3 of the expenses, not 1/3 and with my own debt load it has been very hard. For the rest of the time here, the debt load should be less, and hopefully I will be able to save enough money to get back to Portland. The trips to the UK, Turkey and New Zealand I had dreamed of will not happen, save the arrival of a knight in brightly polished armor and a fat check book. What ever, life goes on.
All this would be minor, but the girls are working so hard at finishing college that they have no time for almost any socializing. Yet, I often hear them talking to boy friends and family members on their phones. I ask myself, what about me? Can't they spare sometime for me. Maybe I really am literally, "The Silk Purse". They are both vegetarians, and most of the time I just eat what they do just to keep the peace, but tonight, out of exasperation, I went to Burger King. They wanted to say something, but when they saw the look on my face, common sense prevailed.
I am trying very hard to be the person I aspire to being; willing to give selflessly and unselfishly to help a couple of young people get started in life a little more easily. Of course, either one of them could have joined the military and let Uncle Sam pay for their education, if they lived. Many people in my generation did not get the choice. Some of us did not live or came back maimed to help the rich get richer, not because patriotisim demanded it.
So, tonight, I sit here thinking that if I had the money saved, in the morning, I would perhaps be driving West on I-90 headed home to Portland. I'd do so with a sense of failure because that would mean that I just did not have the gentle and giving nature that I so wanted to have. I'm fed up; not angry but just emotionally shattered.
To those of you who wished me well, if I could I might fail you. To those who were somewhat jealous, you could feel smug satisfaction because I was not half what I tried to be.
There will be no further drama on the subject. I am a little "sadder and hopefully wiser". It will be over by mid June, hopefully. The next time someone wants me to do something like this with them, ah not so much.
Too early we get old and too soon we get tired, and the world is not a better place after all.
Gwendolyn
Comments
dont insult yourself
I dont think you are "stupid" if its not working out the way you planned, that wasnt because you didnt give it your best shot. hugs sweetie.
Rebuttal
I know how old you are and it is NOT "OLD." If next I hear from you from Portland, there will be no recriminations; no feelings that you have somehow failed. You HAVE given it your best shot. That the girls have not kept up their side of the deal reflects poorly NOT on YOU but upon them.
If there is anything I can do to help, pick up the phone.
Just DON'T blame your situation entirely on youself. Be strong. One or both of the "girls" have not done what they committed to.
Hold your head up high. What has happened, Inshallah.
Be at peace. We will chat tomorrow??
Beth
You Really Sure You Wanna Be A Woman?
As part of the continuing "Secret Storm" in our apartment, I find myself wondering if I EVER want to learn to be a REAL woman if present company is any example. Wow, what a ride this has been for the last nearly three months! Yallah!!!! One of the girls is more twisted than a 12 headed serpent. Believe me If you ever get the chance to room, with a "Real Woman", think very hard about it before you get into it. Yallah !
For me, once I got rid of the two little brains, and used Estrogen for a while, I became extremely placid, but would bawl if someone looked at me just a tiny bit aslant.
I am thinking that one of the girls is gonna bail out, quit college, go home, and blame me. I would dearly love to just say fuck it, and leave, but I'm just stuborn enough that I am not going to give her an excuse. Geeze people, she is 32, she should be an adult right?
Pardon me if I step on the toes of Medical Marijuana users, got a card myself, but don't use it. Couple times was enough for me. Yuk! So, come to find out, Mum and Dad were users before she was born, during the pregnancy and still use it. I don't know when my roomie had her first joint, but I bet it was by 6 years old, plus she's used LSD and other stuff in the past. So, now I am facing a woman who I think has greatly compromised emotional capabilities, and I'm just trying to help her "be all she can be". I'm starting to think that she has all sorts of daine bramage. This mantra I have, Just Tryin Ta Help, gosh I hope it does not wear out.
Well, it may wind up being a wasted effort, because she is tuffer than a seasoned Marine, and everything that goes wrong is someone elses fault. God grant me patience and perseverance. I am not giving up but this is starting to feel like being in the firey den with the lions. No, wait, am I getting two storys mixed up?
So, someone pray for me or come over here and shoot me, OK?
Gwendolyn