A young woman finds a way to escape from the mother who made her so.
Sam's Escape
by J. L. Wendelin
“Mother,”
Samantha would never start with a “Dear...” or a “Mom”.
Sam had always referred to her as “Mother” as a young boy. Now, as a young woman, she had no inclination to be endearing. She agonized over whether to even use that parental noun.
Samantha continued reading her final letter to her mother.
By the time you read this, it will be too late for you to do anything to stop me. I am determined to end this. And your pain when you read this is… Well would that I was there to see it. Almost… But I am gone - and you are alone.
How does it feel?
I look back to when this started; the white tights and pink dresses when we’d play “dress-up”. How old was I? Six? Seven? The shirts that you said were “the latest fashion…” Blouses, mother?
And then, puberty: the “vitamins” and that “therapist”, what was her name? Actually, I don’t care anymore. She was SO helpful guiding me to find my “true” self. I hope she cost you a pretty penny.
And you? Such a loving and supportive mother. You assisted your poor, confused son to find the girl within. Except there wasn’t one to start. Was there?
Do you know how hard high school was for me being the only “transgendered” kid in school? The harassment — physical and psychological? The guidance counselors trying to understand and cope with me - some supportive, some trying to hide their revulsion to the freak before them. Or was that part of your plan?
And my RLE? Senior year was so wonderful; I wish I could do it again. Not!
You were at my bedside and held my hand as I returned to consciousness after my surgery. It was comforting to see you; even as I felt that I had not gained but rather had lost something. I thought this was what “I” wanted — even through the pain. How wrong I was! Now I know it wasn’t my need but yours. You wanted a daughter. No matter the cost to me. You always despised your son — didn’t you?
What followed was agony. I thought I finally was who I wanted, needed, to be. I wasn’t though, was I? I became your ideal. Didn’t I?
I can see that now.
So here I am, five years after my surgeries, graduated college, Cum Laude, as it were. Who woulda thunk it? So nice of you to fly in for graduation. You were beaming at your achievement; such a successful daughter.
I wanted to barf.
So I am ending it. You destroyed your son. Well, you can’t have your daughter.
I only wonder: How could you do this to me?
Good bye.
Samuel
Samantha scanned the letter one more time, thinking, “I wish I could be more cruel. She deserves it.” Yet, somehow, she could not bring herself to do so. Still, the signature “Samuel” was nice little dig.
She folded the sheet and sealed it in the envelope, addressed it and retrieved a stamp from her purse for it. And sat there, not wanting to move.
Her thoughts wandered over the last four years. She thought that the upcoming move west would be her escape but coming here to college had been the real one. It had let her finally get out from under her mother’s controlling… everything.
The anger she hadn’t understood she had suppressed by focusing everything on her studies. Until one day it turned in on her and… well, better not to think about that attempt.
But she got help. And over the next couple of years in therapy came to see exactly what had been done to her.
Samantha knew she was running away again. And her mother still controlled her to some extent. Maybe not directly anymore but some influence still held. One day she might confront that demon. But she wasn’t ready yet and might never be. Until then, she’d cope as well as she could.
“Sam!” Amy called from the hallway.
“Yeah!”
“You done?”
“Yeah, I am.”
“Well com’on, let’s go!”
Amy entered the room and saw Samantha frozen at the table. She came up behind Samantha and wrapped her arms around her lover. “You okay?”
“No!” Samantha choked back a sob.
“It’s okay sweetie. She’ll never find us. We’re moving ‘cross country, for Christ’s sake”
“Yes! She will,” replied Samantha.
“Sam! We’ll be 2000 miles from here. And even if she does find us, what can she do? We have each other.”
“She’s evil.”
“Yeah? So?”
“She’ll find out I didn’t kill myself.”
“I know. But how sweet is it that she might think so? Even for an instant?”
Amy spun the chair around and pulled Samantha to her feet. Hugging Samantha hard she said, “Com’on, We have a country to cross.”
Samantha hugged her back.
“Love you.”
“Love you too.”
Down the block, Amy pulled the car to the curb. Samantha got out and dropped her letter into the box.
Samantha got back in, took a deep breath and held it for a second before letting out a long sigh.
“Okay. Let’s go.”
Copyright 2007 JLW
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Comments
RFC - Request for Comments
All,
I would love to hear whether my attempt at a "Pseudocide Note" works. The idea is that her mother thinks Sam is dead.
This whole premise came to me during a bit of slightly feverish, fighting a cold, insomnia last night, so I’m a little skeptical of it.
I'd particularly like to know if the letter itself seems plausible. Since that makes up most of the story the success of the whole thing kind of rides on it.
Thanks,
Jamie
Very interesting
And very well written. I've never been much into the sort of story this is an answer to, then again, that kind of story doesn't annoy me the way it seems to do some people.
But this. This was rounded and solid, like a padded hammer on the top of the head. Ouch. :smile:
-- Donna Lamb, Flack
-- Donna Lamb, ex-Flack
Some of my books and stories are sold through DopplerPress to help support BigCloset. -- Donna
What happened that made Sam ...
... change her mind so drastically about her mother?
** Now I know it wasn’t my need but yours. You wanted a daughter. No matter the cost to me. You always despised your son – didn’t you?
What followed was agony. I thought I finally was who I wanted, needed, to be. I wasn’t though, was I? I became your ideal. Didn’t I?
I can see that now. **
How/why does she see that now? It sounds as if right up until sometime after the surgery she loved her mom and thought her mom had been supportive and helpful of her desires. I can see her becoming disillusioned with the change, but it's kind of a leap from that to believing mom knew "he" wasn't transgendered but deliberately (wo)manipulated him into girlhood anyway for her own desire. Lacking information to the contrary, I would rather think Sam, having become disillusioned, looked for someone to blame. What a horrible thing to do to mom if mom really wasn't evil but had acted in good faith out of love all along. For us to believe her truly evil, we need more information - for example, Sam remembering playing happily with trucks, etc. and mom scolding him for it, memories like that. I also think Sam needs to confront her mom, not just run away.
"All the world really is a stage, darlings, so strut your stuff, have fun, and give the public a good show!" Miss Jezzi Belle at the end of each show
BE a lady!
Sam's Escape
... isnt going to be achieved by just moving cross country. Poor Samantha needs to let go of her evil mother in her mind to truly escape her grip! The physical damage had been done, but the psychological damage may take years or never really go away.
To be honest, I truly do not know what it would take to get rid of Samantha's mother's grip on her mind from growing up abused and used. I know having a loving partner is a start and a help. Perhaps a lot of good memories and being in love may undo some of the damage as they replace the bad memories with good.
From personal experience of a similar lifetime event, I know I haven't recovered. Most of the pain is gone, but the scenes of what happened always play out in my mind from little things that trigger them to come back out. What if's start to play as well. Because of circumstances in my life now, the pain these used to trigger doesn't come into play. But these images... they never go away. The event is so traumatic it is burned into my mind.
Insecurity becomes a way of life for the child from having ones parents doing this to them - making them a needy person for comfort always, handicapping them from being self sufficient in life. Always needing to be held, always needing to be shook out of the Replay of the scenes of the event, that feeling of being alone despite maybe having a partner and the all consuming Why?
I do not envy Samantha for the road she is on. I have travelled it before. I wish her good luck on her recovery. It is not easy and I have not found a true escape.
Sephrena Lynn Miller
Nice but...
From the brief excerpt from Sam's life we know none of the facts only how he/she sees it. It could easily be the new lover has turned Sam against his/her mother from spite.
That said I think the story works very well as it leaves so many questions unanswered which draws you in... this perhaps needs a 2nd part, not so much a prequel which could be long, drawn out and in the end quite boring, after all we know how it ends. But a sequel with a letter from the mother... or something of that nature. Perhaps she was evil, perhaps she is writing to a private investigator trying to track down her runaway 'daughter' perhaps though its an open letter expressing her hurt and dismay having not realized that her actions were against the wishes of her son.
Or perhaps she is truly misunderstood and it was only after surgery that the 'daughter' had any second thoughts.
The Legendary Lost Ninja
Well...yes..but..
I agree with some of the others questions. A little more explanation as to why 'she' is now 'free' might have been in order. The note.. perhaps some detail as to why she will not be found, if that's the idea. A walk in that big wild state forrest as bad weather looms perhaps. As is, mother dear will be on the phone(at least) as soon as. Then cops and investigations... no body.. trackdown. Annoyed cops? Vengeful mother? Endangered Amy?
The message still gets across well and nicely told. Maybe just a little more here and there.....maybe..shrug.
Kristina
I tweaked it a bit.
Everyone,
I’ve added a couple paragraphs after Samantha puts the letter into the envelope and before Amy calls to her. It’s an attempt to fill in a bit of what’s transpired since her SRS and answer some thoughts you’ve shared.
Jezzi had a valid point to the effect: “Where did that come from?†I tried to drop subtle hints in the letter that Sam was not happy with the process, while it was happening. The new text tries to clarify that a little more. I hope, without being too blatant. I do want lots of gray in this story because situations like this may not always be clear. And I wanted to write a “forced fem†tale without any of those details.
I know a question remains as to whether mother and original therapist helped or forced a change. Or if Sam’s new therapist recovered “false memories†or only identified the harm done to her. My intent was the latter on both counts but who knows with angry children?
And, yes, I do know there might be consequences down the road with cops and mother and who knows what else. But we don’t always think ahead to the results of our actions. Samantha, I think has a bit of tunnel vision at the moment.
Thanks all and love,
Jamie
I really liked this it breaks the stereotype of TG Fiction
In a lot of stories FEMALE = GOOD, MALE = BAD or UGLY..also male is that way until the protagonist is changed then it becomes desirable to attract a male companion .
In this story a boy was transformed and realistically comes to understand it wasn't what he had wanted and wasn't a GOOD thing that had been done to him...Bravo! The fact that he found someone who accepts him/her now is a wonderful thing also.
The question I'd have is how will Sam's life play out from this point forward (or I'd like to see it as a whole story from the beginning forward)..
Very Well Done!
Huggles!!
Alexis
Realistic
It reads perfectly realistically to me.
Calling her mother, "mother" from Sam's earliest recollections indicates to me that Sam has always resented her mother controlling her life. I see a great deal of pain, despair, and frustration. I feel sad that Sam feels that she must resort to a fake suicide letter to get back at her mother, but perhaps that's the only way. Her mother seems to me, from the clues you presented, easily self-deluded; if Sam simply got on with her life and lived happily and successfully, then her mother might very well regard that as personal vindication.
Poor Sam is therefor caught between an emotional rock and a hard place.
Good story. Strong moral (if I read it right.) :)
Aardvark
"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."
Mahatma Gandhi
"Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony."
Mahatma Gandhi
I found this so very moving
It applies to me in kind of an inverse fashion, but the passion, the pain, the frustration are so REAL to me. Everyday I spend so much time fantasizing about how easily I could end my life.
I've thought of death by falling, high explosive bomb, incendiary bomb, fuel -air bomb, suicide-by-cop, heroic death saving some innocent third party... not that this tiny list scratches the surface, but you get the idea.
But a great many of the variations involve getting in a final thrusting dig at those who have caused me the most pain for me simply wanting to be outwardly who and what I am inwardly.
All I can say is well-done.
DD Weldons
Omigosh!
I have to agree with some of the earlier statements, though I don't know if the "transgender" tag was appropriate for this story because Sam isn't transgendered, Sam has been forcibly feminized and that is just terrible and wrong. I hope the mother has something TERRIBLE happen to her ><
--------------------------------------------
Just a normal tg girl in a cruel cruel world.
I know who I am, I am me, and I like me ^^
Transgender, Gamer, Little, Princess, Therian and proud :D
transgender
It seems as though at the end of the story that Samuel is a male mind in a female body, so that ought to qualify.
It's perfectly correct
Samantha or Samuel did the right thing.
Abuse will always be abuse.
It's perfectly correct.
I was pulled in.
and began to fear the worst. I am glad sam decided to live instead.