I was talking to my mom on the phone today, and she told me that her and my dad really want me to move back home.
They seem to think that if I move back home, I'll have a better chance of getting my finances (poor) straightened out, and possibly be happier.
While I can see part of what they are saying, there are other issues involved that worry me, not the least of which is proximity to the rest of my family and difficulty of reaching doctors. I'm just getting to a point where I have some money saved up, and I have been seriously considering FINALLY making the appointment to talk to a doctor about, maybe, starting on hormones if I could. If I were to move home, it would put a serious damper on those plans, not to mention that there are only a few members of my family I've actively told I'm TG and, in the future, TS.
On the positive for moving back home, though, my mom says that her and my dad have discussed it in depth and are willing to take on the difficulty of ferrying me back and forth to wherever I could find work, the bills would be significantly less than what I'm paying now, and I might even be able to pay off my student loans and credit card debt, things I haven't even been able to afford to MAKE A PAYMENT ON in over three years. I do miss my family. On the other hand, since I don't/can't drive I would always always always be dependent on others for transportation anywhere (our home is in the middle of nowhere,) and I would no longer be able to see all my friends I've made here in Hot Springs.
I told them we could talk about it next time I get vacation days off from work, which could be next month, or could not be until December, but I thought I would ask people here what they thought? My home town is Greers Ferry, and the closest place that would have any kind of work really would be Heber Springs, about half an hour's drive away. My mom seems to be certain that moving back would help me a lot as far as money, and that I might even be able to resume college. Would it be worth it?
Melanie E.
Comments
Since I'm not you...
The way I see things will be much different from the way you do. Still, I think you need to ask yourself some questions. The first thing you need to think about is CAN you stay where you are? If not, there is your answer. If you can, then proceed from there. How well do they deal with your Gender identity? Could it be a problem later? If you change your mind, how hard will it be to get back on your own? Can you make enough changes in your life to get you back on your road in the near future? How soon? What do you need to change?
I wish there was a way to help you more. When stuck with a problem like yours, I make a definite plan of action.Moving back in can open some immediate doors that can't be opened with things the way they are. If you do it, be sure to open those doors. Good luck!
Wren
Poverty is a tax on where you live
Man, that's the old family stomping ground; Heber Springs is only a hootenaholler from Rocky Bayou where Meltons have been born and died since the 1820s. And not that much further to Melbourne and Batesville where my Mom's German and English ancestors settled. Beautiful place to live but there ain't no work for shit! Never has been.
I've got relatives in Heber Springs. Know any Dales, Weavers, Meltons, Morgans, Millers, Blankenships, Mosers, Finks, or Bannings? :)
Good luck, say hello to the chiggers for me and keep your pet wood tick warm!
Hugs,
Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
Rocky Bayou
He was a great fighter. I remember when he took out that Apollo Creed. Eye of the tiger, man!
It took some looking to find your hometown on the map. In fact it took some looking to find a map that it was on, but at least now I know just how far a hootenaholler is in Arkansas. According to the map you could get there in a Bissel. We had this kid in our class in school who was really fast. So getting there in a "Bissel" was like no time at all.
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Hootenaholler
A hootenaholler is a measure of distance that if I go partway and you go partway and I make as much noise as I can, and you make as much noise as you can, a third person that don't know either of us can hear us both if he's a-listenin'. That's about six miles on a willin' mule, if the ground were flat and level with a road. Since there ain't never been a road, it ain't flat nohow, and the mule ain't willin', there cain't be no way to tell just how far it mought be!
Hugs,
Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
Several sound familiar...
I seem to remember a Blankenship in my school, actually. Hmm.
Melanie E.
Ahem
I believe the more politically correct term is 'chegroes'.
Redbug Americans?
Nasty little buggers, though the Ozarks aren't as lousy with them as the grasslands in the Delta. :)
Hugs,
Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
Greers Ferry
I know that opportunities are limited in that area, and that Heber would certainly offer more opprtunities than Greers Ferry. Hot Springs is considerably more liberal and larger than the Heber Springs area, for sure. What is your background and education?
Moving back might give you an opportunity to repair things. I know that the 120 miles or so is not a trip you could take frequently, but you might be able to visit your friends once in a while, and maybe they could visit you.
Every time I go to Heber Springs I am surprised by how it has grown. As a temporary thing, maybe that is the best bet.
Portia
Portia
Greers ferry
Greers Ferry is rated as Arkansas most gay and transgender friendly town so that would be a big plus.
Hugs,
Jenna From FL
Moderator/Editor
TopShelf BigCloset
Hugs,
Jenna From FL
Moderator/Editor
TopShelf BigCloset
It is a long road ahead but I will finally become who I should be.
....Seriously?
When I was in high school (2000-2005) there wasn't a single out gay or lesbian student in my entire school. Given my school (West Side, Greers Ferry's ONLY school) had less than 600 students K-12, but still. Hmm. Where did you find these statistics? Just wondering, I'd like to see them :P
Melanie E.
I find it hard to believe
that a town could even be more gay/TG friendly than Eureka Springs.
It is really too bad that your hometown is so far from Fayetteville. There is work there, it's a college town, and they have a very active GLBT community. Of course there's also Little Rock, but that's another thing altogether.
I don't have much to contribute that hasn't already been said but I do have a couple questions.
First, if your credit cards haven't been paid in over three years you probably could negotiate at least some of the principal and almost all the accumulated interest down. Have you tried using a credit management company to try for you?
Second, not being able to drive is a huge deterrent to being able to be independent. Can you do anything about that?
Third, what is most important in your life? Getting on your feet economically? Transitioning? Education? Family and friends? It would be a good idea to rate those things and go from there.
If you move back home you could work for a lot less and still save, if you aren't paying rent and all. It might put a crimp in some of your other activities, but it sounds as if you're young, and what might seem like forever now, does go by surprisingly quickly.
Hope this helps a bit.
Hugs
Carla Ann
Kids In and Out
Most of the people I know who are about my age (62) have had one or more of their kids move back in with them for an extended period. It seems to be the thing to do.
Currently I'm trying to convince one of my children (he's 29) to move back to MN from out west. Maybe to live with us.
It's a complex decision.
Which way will create the most positive options for you?
If you do move back, do you have an escape plan should it not work out?
If you're happy in Hot Springs and have found friends there, odds are you'll be happy and find friends in Greers Ferry. Your attitude is portable.
Being TG doesn't define you. You're who you are.
At least, you need to feel the love your parents are extending through the offer. Lots of people don't have that option.
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
I definitely appreciate their offer
I'm just still debating whether it would be right for me. Last time I was home for so long, I had trouble finding a job and felt miserable. Now there are actually more jobs available, but I still don't know what I would do with my free time and such.
Melanie E.
So, are you out!
Are your parents going to be supportive or just use that time to chip away at you? If you go back in to molify them, how will that affect you? I held it in for well over 50 years and when she decided to come out, well, you wouldnawantedtobethere. On the other hand, this T thing ain't no lark if you decide to do it. Sure we are making inroads and I actually believe that things are getting better for us. Still, in Oregon, I am legally delusional.
Oh, it's just me, but this tg,ts,business is just crap. So, in my view, you can be tg, but after the trip to la la land and the cuterectomy and the dilations and all that, you are a WOMAN!
Much peace
Gwen
Kinda sorta
My mom knows, my little sister knows, and I have a few aunts/uncles/cousins who know. My dad doesn't, as far as I'm aware, though when I tell most people that they just laugh and ask me how he couldn't.
Melanie E.
Transition or not Transition
If it in anyway enables you to transition sooner then I say go for it.
But if you feel you'll be in a 'can't do that in front of my parents' then find some other way. Having transitioned later in life. (mid 30s started...40 before fulltime) I feel robbed of my youth.
Oh I had a youth but not the one I wanted. And not one I can now talk about with my friends.
Nobody.
Well, I'd be allowed to
If I could afford it, that is. My mom is old school; her exact words were "no matter if we agree with a decision you make or not, you are our child, and will always be welcome in our home." She would rather I be happy and alive than depressed and, well, not, even if it goes against her religious and moral views.
Melanie E.
Transgender "morality".
I hope others get in on this part of the conversation. I had a lot of "interest" from guys when I was a "chick with a dick". When I had my remodel job, that interest suddenly evaporated. One time, just to prove I was a woman to myself, I even asked a friend to FUCK me, but he refused. Before that, during my journey, I even gave a couple blow jobs but in the light of my Fundy morality, it about killed me. I cried and wrung my hands for weeks, plus I had the HIV tests to agonize through. When the tester asked why I thought I could have HIV and I told her, she laughed at me. "Sweety, you don't get HIV that way."
I was very close to one man, and if he had lived, I would have wanted to marry him, but he up and had a stroke and left me. That really hurt and I really loved him.
From what I get from conservative people is that they think that trannies just fuck everything in sight, including the mail box.
I am well past all that now and doubt that I will ever marry or have a sex partner. I just don't need it to reinforce my self image anymore. So, I do not know who is out there giving us a bad name, but unless someone else is getting some and just not talking, I think that most post op T girls are celibate.
If anyone has an argument about that, please enlighten me.
If what I say is so, then where is the moral issue, even for the fundies?
Gwen
Hi Melanie
Hi Melanie. Sounds like a tough decision in some ways.
Moving back Home
Pros:
Being with family who do know about your TG issues (and some that don't)
transportation to and from work, though at a distance
lower bills
maybe return to college classes (transportation a factor)
Work on debt payments.
Cons:
Isolated location
away from friends/peer support group
Possible tension with parts of family over TG/TS feeling
have to quit your current work and find another job
Difficulty in reaching therapist you will need for hrt OK, due to distance
Difficulty in reaching doctors if you can save to go on hrt.
Moving costs depleting your savings?
I think that about sums up the pros and cons you posted.
I am sure there are others you may not have considered in the list. List them, then rank them in order of importance.
How much support do you get from your peer support group where you are? How would the isolation of your home environment at Greer's Ferry work on you? Is the peer group support more or less than what you might expect from family? I know it can be different. There are no friends like others who suffer the same things you do.
Will you have internet access in Greer's Ferry? It is a pretty place with the lake and all, and I suppose there may be a larger population than the last time I was there, so access to the net may be possible. That may be a way to keep in touch with your friends and maybe an on-line support group?
You can't/don't drive. Not sure if that is related to having no car or other problems. Limits independence, access to therapist and doctors, pharmacies, etc. if you have to depend on others. Living in a larger place with public transport may be more useful in some ways, especially bus transport. Consider the trade-offs carefully for the next month or so.
What jobs might be available in Hebron Springs? I do not recall much from my trip through there, oh, years ago now. There is a small Wally's there, I think, and other service industry stuff, but I don't recall any manufacturing. We ate at a Subway Sandwich place after arguing the kids out of McDonalds, so fast food is probably there, but minimum wage. So, consider how the job market might be. Greer's Ferry really doesn't have much potential, as I recall.
I have heard that there are a few good work from home jobs if you have a computer access, so that could be a possiblity. My niece worked that way for a couple of years while her youngest got old enough to go to school. How much she made depended on how much she could be online, but a minimum of 1 grand a month, up to 5 grand was her high earnings. She took orders that were called in to her (she didn't have to sell), and she was a messenger service call center for doctors and businessmen as well. She finally started her Avon business, but she didn't have the time for doing parties to push her products to make it a success.
Still, might it be possible to step back and regroup at home with a job, fewer bills, chance to pay down or pay off debts, in exchange for a few more years of delay with your desired transition plans? You will not be the first to use that strategy. I even know several that temporarily de-transitioned and "butched up" to work a few years at jobs to save money after finding they couldn't keep good jobs while transitioning. Didn't stop them from having hrt, but did require the guy act to kinda continue.
Alternatively, are you already in a roomate situation in Hot Springs? That could be one way to cut costs if not, and allow you to stay around your friends/support group? What other jobs in Hot Springs might you be able to do other than what you are doing?
Returning to college. Where would you be going to college? How will you travel? Is your major one that will let you have a decent paying career in an accepting environment, or will you need to think about changes? Will the degree enhance your earning power to help with your transition? Could be a big pro, but not if living at home puts stress on you to keep you from reaching your goal. Focus on the goal and direct your efforts to getting there. Learn to recognize where limits are necessary and where they are external in source.
You can set up a Maslovs Heirarchy of Needs to help you rank things. The bottom tier is basic needs, food, water, shelter, money. Then identify and rank the other needs by listing them on other tiers. Some people think it is not a valid way to deal with things, but I did find it a good way to identify real goals and needs from spurious wants. Like saving to pay for therapy instead of springing for a new tech HD TV or Iphone or food over hrt. Where would you place hrt in a heirarchy of importance? Just be honest in the ranking of what is a need and what is a want.
Good luck Melanie. It can be done. I am living proof of it. (smile)
CaroL
CaroL
"Butching Up"
Heh, "butching up" isn't really much of an option for me. I'm still presenting as male at the moment, completely, but that's never been a barrier to being called "miss" and "ma'am" constantly. Even at my current work, where the universal uniform is black slacks and a polo shirt, I'm called ma'am at least as often as sir. Not a complaint, mind you, but it does mean that getting a job would be less a matter of butching up and more a matter of finding a place that wasn't bothered by how I apparently look/act/sound.
Melanie E.
Decisions
It's a tough decision and I hope you make the choice that works out best for you.
I don't like giving advice but will say that in my case I did something similar six years ago at the start of my 30's because my folks were worried about me and emotionally and financially I was a bit of a wreck. My folks were broadly supportive of my decision to begin to transition (to varying degrees but they'd go through hell to see me happy so it worked out between us) and it allowed me to save money and transition sooner than being away from home would. However, unlike your situation I only lived about 20 miles from home and was living in a densely urban area where there was plenty of things to do and I didn't need to find a new job, etc.
If you have that sort of relationship with your folks I'd suggest a good long sit down and talk about absolutely everything and then see how it looks. Either way, I hope you get to move your life in the direction you want to go.
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
The Good Old Days
Somebody shoot me! I can't be about to do one of those "good old days" rants. Please, not me!
First, though, let me address your situation. When I left home, a horrible suburban housing tract built on what used to be a potato farm, I never looked back. There was nothing there for me. Moving into an apartment house in the big, bad city was the most wonderful thing I had ever done up to that point. I had privacy, and friends in the building, and late-night hang-out sessions, and stores that were open, seven days a week, at night! I also structured my life so I would never have to move back.
And, that's where our situations differ, and where the "good old days" rant comes in. Unfortunately.
It was a transitional time, when I moved into the city. Many of the old post-war, pro-middle-class incentives were still in place. "White flight" had diminished the population somewhat, leaving room for newcomers. There were still rent-stabilized apartments for rent. Lots of them. And the federal government was still vigorously indexing the minimum wage (over that first 5-year period I was in the city, it went up 50%). In fact, in 1981, one week's (40 hours) minimum wage was nearly enough to pay the rent on my 4-room railroad flat apartment for a month ($134 wages vs. $150 rent). And, if you were willing to work cheap, there were lots of jobs. The job that drew me into the city in the first place was a state civil service job that payed well over double the minimum wage. I was rich!
That world started to end after 1981. (A combative new administration fought with unions, drove down wages, turned loose real estate speculators, engaged in "trickle down," and froze the minimum wage for 9 years.) It's a different world today. One week's minimum wage won't pay for one week's minimum rent in New York City.
And jobs... Jobs are damned hard to find, partly due to population growth, partly due to the offshoring of 90% of our manufacturing and textile jobs, partly due to technology and automation, and partly due to a host of other economic decisions that were taken in the interim by administrations of both parties. All I can say is... sorry!
As far as advice goes, I'm going to echo a couple folks, above. If you can stay in your apartment, don't undervalue your freedom and autonomy, or the necessity of commuting from somewhere else, when you make your decision. Commuting over an hour to anywhere, even by mass transit, sucks. A lot. And by car, it's expensive. (The IRS allows $.50 a mile deduction for cars used for business. You're not eligible for this as a commuter, but it gives you an idea what it's actually costing you.) Living with your parents and not being able to be an independent adult with an independent social life, sucks. A lot. If you can't stay in your apartment because you're financially screwed, well... then you're screwed and there's not much of a decision to make. Do what you have to do to get back on your feet. Best of luck, Hon!
___________________
If a picture is worth 1000 words, this is at least part of my story.
So you're not out to your Dad?
Hey Melanie
I'm not going to hold myself out as the poster child for successful transition (took too long, was too cowardly, got sidetracked, behaved like an asshole etc), but for whatever it's worth the big issues here don't seem to me to be financial or transport-related. The big flashing red light is that you're not out to your dad yet.
So, as I said, I'm no expert, but if I were you I'd get that sorted, see how it goes down. If it works out, there's a chance you might be able to keep your head together while you live with your parents. If it doesn't go down well, then I fear Gwen Brown is correct and your parents may chip away at you. I know my own mother spent a lot of time being "supportive" at one stage when what that really meant was "stay close in the hope I can talk you out of it eventually."
Anyway, if your parents are prepared to let you go on hormones and all that, and are generally okay with the concept of what going on hormones means (ie transition) then that's a bonus. You won't know, of course, if you're not completely up front with both of them. But if they're not going to be cool with it then my advice would be to stick with the life of poverty and independence. At least you'll still have your self-respect. Nothing's more important than that.
Personally I learned the hard way that I could only rely on myself and a good friend. My family were useless in my own transition. Here's hoping you have better luck.
not as think as i smart i am