Tomorrow, I am going to be thrown into the deep end of the pool, and I don't know what to do?
I am supposed to go meet a disabled man who is suicidal, and driving his sister crazy by constantly telling her he wants to kill himself. Yes, the poor guy cared for both his Mom and Pop until they died, Mom was the first and she had Altzheimers, and it sounds like Dad died of a broken heart.
I feel really bad, because I was like that for most of 2005 through 2008, until I finally learned enough DBT to begin to do some self care that began to pull me out of it. I also had people here who were extremely supportive; who sat patiently as I acted like I was the only one on earth who had ever lost everything they ever cared for. 2010 has been really good for me, and now a few people see me as some sort of female sage. Believe me, the honor is absolutely undeserved.
My first impulse is to walk in there and tell her brother, "God damn it, quit tearing your sister down with your suicide threats. Don't you realize how you are killing her?" All this from a really devout Muslim woman. Hyeah, right!
If I did that, I am just sure that the trap door to hell would open up right beneath my feet and I would go there with out ever hearing my Judgement from Allah SWT.
I have to say that I feel so outclassed, so inadequate, so untaught; what is she doing thinking that I can pull him out of it? Maybe the guy just needs some compassion and a lot of love, like I got? DUH, YA THINK? Maybe I'm gonna have to stoop to prayer?
If one of you deals with worn out care givers and can offer something, anything to bail me out, I'd be most greatful to hear from you. I'll be leaving here about 10:30 AM PDT.
Much peace
Gwen
Comments
Respite?
OK, so he's not caring for others any more, but perhaps a temporary change of scene, together with counselling, will help. The fact that while mouthing off he doesn't appear to have taken action indicates that he has self-control at least. He probably has doubts about undertaking that final step. Is life really that bad? Would it cause pain and suffering for him while he did it? Would it cause pain and suffering for others (e.g. his sister) in the aftermath? Taken slowly, carefully and compassionately, that may be a route in. But then again I'm reasoning purely from logic - someone with academic or practical experience would undoubtedly be better qualified to advise you.
EAFOAB Episode Summaries
As the right side of the brain controls the left side of the body, then only left-handers are in their right mind!
Threats of suicide are...
...usually malicious attempts to coerce sympathy or desired patterns of behaviour out of bystanders. The only way to win this game — as “Joshua,” the autonomous cybernetic player in the film WarGames discovered (along with Eric Berne*) — is not to play.
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Threats of suicide should instantly and without warning or consultation be reported to the police, because it’s a very serious crime, and every human has a duty to report a crime in progress or in the planning stage if it can be done without danger to the reporter. The police have resources available to prevent a person from harming himself or others, and to enforce counseling, psychotherapy, or other psychiatric intervention in an emergency.
As an individual, you have none of these resources available, and are only another intentional victim of the threatened crime. Because of this, you should never go to visit a person who threatens suicide. Murder/suicide is so commonplace that it has its own police “Ten Code” assigned — 10-44, in case you’re wondering.
In particular, an individual who threatens suicide whilst his or her parents are alive, or who has minor children, or indeed children under the age of forty — or so — is either insane or a vicious sociopath who intends serious, perhaps life-threatening, harm to either adults or children to whom he or she owes a special duty of care, and should, if sane, immediately seek professional help on his or her own initiative.
If the net is cast wider, the intended harm is much the same — and only theoretically less dangerous — as incontrovertible as taking a rifle up to a high point and shooting random individuals.
In reporting this to the police you’ll be doing exactly what should have been done in the first place by the individual involved.
Even if you believe that individuals have an abstract right to kill themselves, you have a duty of care towards those the suicide-threatener either intends to harm or may inadvertently harm through reckless actions whilst in the grip of a psychiatric disorder.
You shall not stand idly by your brother’s blood... (Lev 19:16)
Cheers,
Puddin’
A tender heart is an asset to an editor: it helps us be ruthless in a tactful way.
--- The Chicago Manual of Style
* I highly recommend his books for any writer, as they contain in capsule format the entire plot outlines, character lists, and motivations for almost any conceivable potboiler.
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Cheers,
Puddin'
A tender heart is an asset to an editor: it helps us be ruthless in a tactful way.
--- The Chicago Manual of Style
I Had Another Transwoman Play That Game
I had another transwoman play that game. She would talk about how horrible it was that she lived in this podunk town in Missouri and couldn't get out and be herself. Another friend and I talked to her and tried to get her to help herself. She refused! She got to the point where she would Instant message me and say "I'm going to kill myself" I fell for it and jump right back in. I tried to talk to her about picking herself up and actually taking the first step to becoming who she wanted to be. She would say " I can't! People would kill me for doing this. I said "Why are you worried about that when you told me yourself you wanted to kill yourself?" She didn't have an answer for that one. She IMed me a few more times with the same threat to kill herself and I finally just quit answering her IM's. She is still alive to this very day because I see her sign in on Yahoo. She was just doing it for attention and sympathy. I just couldn't deal with the constant stress and worry about whether she would or she wouldn't, so I just quit dealing with her.
If you dont have it - GET SOME TRAINING
As one who has lived with 3 social workers, the best advice I can offer is not to go in blind. I don't know why you are in the situation, but this is one of those very volatile areas where you can do more harm than good. I assume you know that from having been on the other side of the situation.
Is it necessary for you to go there tomorrow? Has there been any professional involvement previously, if so talk to the people who have been dealing with before you get personally involved. If the situation has been going on long enough to drive the sister crazy would a few more days or weeks delay make any real difference?
My best wishes to you and the other people involved.
Ricky
I'm no shrink; just blonde!
Well thanks to all your wonderful advice, I decided to go there and just be my happy, cute, blonde self. Giggle. Didn't offer any advice or counseling, but I did relate some of my own experiences and what I had learned as we all walked around the Lake trying to avoid the duck poo. At this point, I think that sis is the one who needs some self defense training. He is clearly manipulating her.
It is a case where he has given so much of himself to his parents that he is depleted, IMHO. I am leaving here on Monday, so I won't be doing any miracles. Just tried to be as encouraging as posible.
Thanks again
Gwen