Jackie learns more about Nick’s childhood. In the process, all of her preconceived ideas are turned on their head, and her move precipitates a crisis in Nick’s life.

The Boss - 7 of 8 - Desperation

I wasn’t that keen on the idea of working for Glyn Matthews; nothing personal, but he’s a man and… well, you know what I mean. I hope.

Bernadette Obodu’s ‘empire’ was much larger, as it included not only Head Office but also the warehouses and factories. She visited them only occasionally, as the remote sites had their own managers. Factories were located in Southern Scotland, the South Midlands and Northern Ireland; distribution warehouses were sited at the factories and also at a few other locations. Head Office had its own building manager, Kevin Madeley, Joanna’s husband, who reported to Bernadette.

The administrator job was more involved than might be obvious at first glance, covering building and site maintenance, security and utilities. Again, we discussed my working history at GSD and, although the prospect of working for a black woman was a bit disconcerting to begin with, her voice, her accent and her slow, measured way of speaking soon put me at ease. I soon realised that, other than the colour of her skin, and the country in which she was born, Bernadette was just another human being. She’d achieved what she had despite her past — or maybe her past had driven her that little bit harder. By the end of the interview, I was a little uncomfortable; not with Bernadette but with myself. It made me think.

We talked about my duties, and her responsibility being nationwide. Then she surprised me with “You come highly recommended; I’d be delighted to offer you a job; subject of course to the usual one month trial period on both sides.”

I thought, Highly recommended? That must have been Nick.

I then felt quite sorry for him; he’d had to pick up the pieces of my broken life. The new job would clearly be a promotion and I wondered if I would be equal to the task. “Can I think about it for a day or so?”

“Of course.”

I returned to my desk and thought about the interview. Did I want the job in Premises? It wasn’t anything to do with working for Bernadette; I realised that I’d quickly felt comfortable with her, and the challenge of learning a new job, with a higher grade and better pay, was appealing. Of course, it was a bigger job, covering a greater area, and I’d be liaising with people all over the country. What held me back, though, was the feeling that I was running away. I’d run away since my teenage years, I’d been scared of my own shadow and, to be honest, I was fed up with running. There had to be more to life than this. Something inside kept telling me that I could run but I couldn’t hide; if I didn’t turn and face my demons, I’d be looking over my shoulder all my life. That was no life.

When I awoke the next morning, I realised that I’d come to another decision. Wow; two in a week!

I sat opposite Megan, took a deep breath and told her what I’d decided.

”I’ll tell Nick and Bernadette.”

“Yes please; can I try it? Perhaps running from here, haphazardly into the future, may not be a good idea. Moving departments may not solve anything — or maybe it will.”

I took a coffee into Nick’s office and asked if I could speak privately with him.

He nodded and I shut the door. He was obviously expecting me to tell him that I’d accepted another job, because he asked, “Premises?”

“Yes.”

He looked miserable; I felt guilty.

A few days later Nick called me at my desk. “Jackie, could you please come in for a few minutes? There’s something I need to tell you.”

I walked into his office, shut the door and sat down.

“I know that you’re planning to move to Premises but I thought I ought to tell you anyway. I’m telling everyone in the department.” Nick buried his head in his hands and started to softly weep. “This is so hard. I need to tell you... I’m thinking of resigning, leaving GSD.”

I was shocked, and didn’t know what to say.

“I didn’t sleep at all last night and I can’t stand this life any longer; trying to keep Nick and Nikki in separate boxes. It’s driven you away and it’ll drive the others away. It’s not fair to the company, and especially the customers. We’ve a good team here and I’m only a hindrance.”

I was stunned; where was the confident young man who interviewed me all those months ago? I thought it was just a matter of Nick wearing women’s clothes for the thrill of it; now it’s obvious that it’s much different. I added up everything I’d learned about the person that, in the office, was my boss, Nick Latham. I thought of the young woman I’d met at the dinner party, and the relaxed way she naturally fitted into the social group; Nick’s assertion that he didn’t have a male social life; his gentle nature; all the small signs that he didn’t conform to how a man was expected to behave. All I could see before me was someone else who was clearly hurting; I had an idea how that felt, but I hadn’t a clue what I could do to help. I realised with a shock that I did want to help. Eventually, it came to me, so I asked, “May I speak with Debbie?”

“I suppose so, but why?”

“I... I want to understand,” I said, hesitantly.

Still tearful, he pushed a card at me; I picked it up and walked out.

I met Debbie in her office on the first floor of the GSD building. “I’d like to — no, more than that; I need to understand Nick and Nikki; can you explain it in more detail?”

She sighed. “It’s been obvious to us that Mummy and Daddy wanted a son, if just to continue the family name. Nikki had ambiguous genitalia and looked a bit like a boy down below, so she was registered and raised as a boy, despite the feeling that she was female. We spent a lot of time together and Nikki raided my wardrobe as often as we could get away with it. When she was caught, she was beaten and told that boys didn’t do that kind of thing.

“She was sent to all-boys’ public schools and hated every minute; they definitely aren’t suitable for those who are different. She was frequently beaten up for being effeminate, and was raped twice. Our parents did nothing about the abuse; they just said that its part of the price you pay for a good education. She was, amazingly, left alone through university and got her MBA and an Honours Degree in Marketing from Edinburgh. When she left university and started looking for a job, no one would hire her because she was so young and looked younger. Her birth certificate showed her as a male, so she felt that she had little choice but to try to find work as Nicholas. When GSD saw her qualifications, they almost took her hand off. She soon was promoted to Marketing Manager.

“That’s about it, really; she spends every spare minute as Nikki. Other than what’s between her legs — and that’s not much - she is all woman, as you’ve seen. Our parents live near Oxford and we rarely see them, and then only out of a sense of duty. I’m sure they have no idea that Nikki exists; if they did they’d no doubt make her life more of a misery. As far as I’m aware, they don’t know where she works; I sometimes wonder if they even care about their child at all. Nikki told me last night that she intended to resign; she knows that she’s running away, but sees no alternative.”

We sat in silence for a minute or so; perhaps she was just letting me take in all that she’d told me. Then I remembered Nikki saying that my move to Premises had precipitated her decision to resign; I had great trouble thinking of Nick the man, just Nikki the woman, who had been hurt. I don’t know what started me off, but I told Debbie about my childhood and the events leading up to my failed marriage. I also told her how I’d been drawn to Nick’s gentle nature when he interviewed me, and fascinated beyond all reason. When I’d unburdened myself, I felt cleaner than I had for years, almost as though a lot of the pain from the past had largely been washed away.

Debbie got up, came over to me and held me as we both burst into tears.

When I eventually ran down to an occasional sob, I asked her to tell me more about Nick and Nikki. “I was wondering about Nick’s... Nikki’s... how does he... she... Oh Hell! I’m not making any sense here.”

“If you’re wondering if there’s a partner, then the answer’s no, but she’d like there to be one.”

“You’ll think me awfully rude but....”

“Would that partner be male or female?” Debbie asked perceptively. I might just as well have asked her if she knew Nikki’s sexual orientation.

“Y... Yes.”

“Nikki’s never really been interested in anyone. I suppose that her confused gender saw to that but, if pushed on the subject, I’d have to say that she’d be looking for another woman, not a man.”

“Oh.”

Neither of us noticed Nick as he glanced in the glazed panel alongside Debbie’s office door and then, dejectedly, walk away.

Nikki sniffed, grabbing a handful of tissues from her sister.

“I can’t stand this ‘in between’ life any longer, it’s killing me.”

“You’ve decided.”

“Yes.”

Debbie cuddled her sister. “How do you think she’ll react when she comes to terms with it?”

Debbie hugged Nikki tighter.

Nikki said, tearfully, “She’ll be leaving us soon. I’m dreading losing her; it’s like ripping away a part of me. I love her, Debbie.”

“I’ve told her about your history, although most people will think that you’re just a transvestite. They’ll see what you’re doing as a lifestyle choice.”

“Some choice! Life or death.”

“They won’t necessarily see it that way, though, will they? She’s also been badly hurt; she confided in me yesterday.”

“I feel that I want to protect her.”

“And you think that Nikki could do that better than Nick could have done, don’t you?”

“Nick never existed, did he?”

“Only on a piece of paper when you were born. Give Jackie some space, but make sure that she knows you’re there for her, whether or not you’re still at GSD.” Debbie hugged her sister. “GSD is an inclusive employer; they’ll understand your situation.”

“Yes, they probably will, but what about our clients? Would they understand?”

Going to work for Bernadette was one of the best and worst things I’d ever done. Yes, it gave my confidence a much-needed boost and increased my net pay. At the same time, I found all my spare thoughts occupied by my erstwhile colleagues in Marketing — and one in particular. I spent an inordinate amount of time thinking about Nikki and her future.

Things came to a head one day shortly after I’d begun to work for Bernadette. I was just getting to grips with utility bills - gas, electric, water and telephone. A visitor approached my desk and my attention was dragged forcibly back to the present.

“Jackie, can you spare me a few minutes?”

“Hello Cathy. Look, it’s nearly lunchtime; why don’t we grab some sandwiches and find a quiet corner of the restaurant? I can catch up on all the gossip.”

When we were settled, and eating our sandwiches, she sighed. “You know that Nick intends to leave GSD?”

“Yes; she told me; I think it’s such a shame.”

Cathy picked up on that straight away. “She?”

“Cathy; I can’t think of Nick any longer as male. Debbie told me a lot of what Nikki went through as a child and, although what happened to me was different, I have an idea where she’s coming from. I’ve met them both socially and you just wouldn’t know; Nikki doesn’t seem to have a male bone in her body. Even when she’s disguised as Nick, she looks like a woman dressed as a man.”

“It’s a relief to hear you say that.”

“Why?”

“I can cope with simple arithmetic, you know. One plus one has always equalled two; I doubt that it’s changed since I was at school.”

“What do you mean?”

“As I said, I can add up. Look; you up sticks and change departments. Nick is planning to resign. It doesn’t take a genius to figure it out.”

I still hadn’t fully caught on to what she was saying. “But why won’t she stay? She’s very good at her job and runs a very successful team. I’m sure that the company will understand.”

She threw her hands up in the air in disgust. “Do I need to spell it out to you?”

Then what Debbie had told me finally sank in.

“OH, SHIT!”

Cathy nodded ruefully.

Suddenly, Cathy’s mobile phone rang. She shouted, “WHAT?” then more quietly, asked, “Does Debbie know?” Then a short pause. “I’m on my way; see you later.”

She told me what Maggie had said; I promptly threw up my lunch into a convenient waste bin. Getting my thoughts together I said, shakily, “I want to go to the hospital.”

Cathy said, firmly, “You’re going nowhere until you’ve settled your stomach and sorted yourself out. I’ll come with you; we don’t need another casualty and we’ve all had a shock. Maggie will look after the office; I’ll call for a taxi.”

I told Bernadette what was happening, and Cathy led me out of the building.

We found Debbie in Accident and Emergency.

“Debbie; what’s happening?”

She said, with tears in her eyes. “Emergency surgery, Nikki’s in theatre; I’m waiting for news.”

We sat for what seemed like hours, getting more and more anxious the longer we waited. Cathy went to get coffees for us all, and I just held Debbie as she quietly sobbed, “I can’t lose her; Oh Jackie, she’s my best friend!”

Suddenly there was a commotion at the nurses’ station.

“Where is Nicholas Latham? Where is my son?”