Whispers

Part Ten, by Michelle Wilder

Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder
Absence just hurts

(This is almost the first story I ever wrote. It's the apple seed from which many grew. Reposted with grammatical revision only.)

-----

Even though it was late, Mom, Dad and Jarrod and Anne were waiting in our room.

I told them all I wanted to stay in rez.

*And* with Dennis, when Jarrod said I had to say if I meant that, too. After Anne said I could’ve had a room in her wing too.

And I was holding Dennis’ hand all the time and they all said I had to be clear with him what I was saying, or meant, or something...

Dennis started laughing and pulled me over into a hug against his chest and then he pulled me out into the hall again and told them to wait, and closed out door.

He walked over and sat us down on a hall couch, two doors down. I was still too red to look at him.

“No sex.”

I cringed. Like tried to shrink. He was whispering at my hair, holding me.

“And no kissing except friends-kissing, okay?”

He didn’t even change his hug.

“And I’ll still be really careful to not embarrass you, and if it’s okay, I’d still like to just wear my pajama bottoms, but you have to at least always wear tops and undies around me, besides, okay?”

He sounded like he was teasing a bit, but not too?

“Okay?”

He jiggled me a bit, and I guess I wasn’t as red as I was before, because I heard what he’d said.

I still didn’t look up.

“Okay...”

“Okay.”

He held me and jiggled me a bit different and then leaned down and put his face in my hair again.

“What would you like me to call you? Is Bobby okay?”

I nodded.

“Good... I like Bobby.” He was really quiet and jiggled me the same way. “It’s a pretty name.”

After a couple more minutes he whispered, "Okay?”

-

Everyone was smiling a bit, and still serious a bit, I guess, but Dennis said it was all okay and he would be very careful and he said “respectful.”

Jarrod and Anne left after they both gave me hugs.

-

Mom and Dad said I had to go home for the next weekend and they were going to come pick me up, and that I had to see Ben and maybe whoever he said I had to see and that Dennis or someone had to be with me until Ben or whoever said it was safe, and that I had to have a cell phone and call them any time I had to, any time. Or call Dennis, and Dad said he’d buy us both new ones too, the next morning, before they left, after they asked him.

Too much.

-

They said we were all going for late supper because I slept through it and Dennis hadn’t had more than a sandwich since breakfast, or something. Even if it was almost midnight. Or after eleven, anyway.

So we went out to a restaurant, after I showered. Dad said I didn’t need to, but Dennis and Mom both smiled and Dennis wrinkled his nose and pretended to gag and made it a joke.

But it was really nice. Breakfast had been hard, and Mom and Dad being there had been part of it, but supper was almost like being home.

Dennis told them all about what we did, and what I was like, I guess, like at the university, and he made up all sorts of silly stuff and made them laugh and told them about the book we’d read and Dad told him about all the books they’d read to me like that when I was little.

I remembered, when they told him, and I’d never thought before then how it was sort of the same.

Dennis was looking at me and smiling when I looked up, after it was quiet for a little bit.

“I’m going to buy the other books tomorrow morning, okay?”

I wanted to tell him that I lost my book, but then I figured out that it didn’t matter, and that it'd be so good to read the other two.

“We’ll still read them the same, right?”

Mom laughed, and she said at my eyes or something when Dennis asked what. Dad hugged my shoulders more.

Then he looked at Dennis.

I don’t know what he looked like but Dennis’ face got serious and he looked at all of us and then at me.

“I guess you want to know what we’re doing, in the same room...”

He smiled like it wasn’t bad and I guess I knew it was okay. I mean, that it wasn’t bad with Mom and Dad. I didn’t look at them. Dennis kept talking at me, at them.

“I haven’t gotten completely undressed in front of Bobby, and he’s really shy about that and doesn’t either, and I hug him and kiss him a lot, but not on his lips, because it makes us both feel better, and I think I think of him as a girl, and maybe like my best friend, but like a girl...”

He was smiling more and more, and looked at Mom.

“I’ll be really careful, ma’am.” He crooked his smile. “I know I’m weird, but...”

Mom made a little noise, like she was trying to say something, but not words.

“And I’ll try to take care of her, okay?”

Dad made almost the same noise and Dennis laughed at us, like he knew we’d look exactly like we all did.

-

Mom and Dad were still in the residence for the night and we all said we’d meet for breakfast. Mom cried for some reason, but wouldn’t say why and I almost got upset too, but Dad and Dennis both said it was okay and we finally stopped hugging and they went downstairs.

Dennis opened our door and inside, he sat on his bed and kinda waved that I should sit on mine and he looked at me like we needed to talk. He didn’t look bad, though.

I wanted to sit beside him. I think it was just because I was almost worn out from the whole weekend, or four days or whatever. But I really wanted to be beside him so he could hold me.

He looked at me and almost made a speech. I mean, like it was formal and important, the words.

“I meant what I said, about looking out for you, and that I’m still going to be respectful, you know.”

I nodded a bit. He did too.

“So, have you been okay, I mean, comfortable, with me changing in front of you, the way I have been? I could change in the showers, you know...”

He looked like it was really important. Like room rules we had to agree on. Not bad, but still really important, so I nodded again. He did too, and smiled a bit.

“Okay. But now you know I think you’re a girl?” He nodded, a bit more?

I nodded back. It seemed less good. More serious, anyway. And a little terrifying. He thought for a second and looked right in my eyes.

“So will it still be okay? Really? I mean, staying the way we’ve been? About privacy and how we change and what I wear, and going to bed or the showers and all that?”

He looked all over my face, and looked worried.

But I thought about what he was asking, and remembered about his pajamas, and what he might mean, and that I was okay with how he was... how he dressed, I mean, and he was like he told Mom and Dad, like he was never naked... I nodded.

“Yes.” I looked at his face, like it wasn’t quite enough. “I’m really happy with how things are... how you are?”

He nodded more too, and smiled.

“Okay!” He grinned totally different.

“Now... what would you like to wear, *different*?”

He said that Jarrod and the girls and *everyone* else on our two floor wings was okay with whatever I wore and none of the guys knew anything about me but they were *all* on this floor because they filled out their rez papers just like him, and they all would be really okay with me if they knew I was different than a straight boy.

Or even different than a boy, he said. He winked and laughed.

And I should stop looking like a fish. He said that too. But he came over and hugged me, at last.

“Do you want to wear something that Anne got you?”

He whispered that.

I guess I didn’t freeze or something, or not much, because he got up and gave me a bag from his desk and then sat on his own bed again and smiled at me.

I opened it. There was something white and flannel, and with a bit of satin ribbon. I looked up at him and I think I looked like a fish again. He was smiling like he does, like I was something good to look at.

I took it out, still folded up.

A nightie.

There was a note folded in it.

“Bobby. I hope you like this. It’s like one I have that’s really comfy and warm and I think you’d look cute in it and most of the girls in residence who wear nighties wear something like this. Just wear your robe with it for the halls. Sleep tight!
XXOO
Anne”

I hadn’t had any girl’s stuff since August. I'd never had a real nightie. It was white with tiny, pale flowers and a ribbon across the front with a bow, and long sleeves and a rounded-off collar. It was beautiful.

-

I was still just looking at it when Dennis came back from showering and he looked like he’d done something wrong and then I figured out that he thought it was wrong that he’d given it to me, or that Anne had, or whatever. If I was still just sitting there, holding it and staring.

“I’m sorry... but it’s so... I was looking at it and I’m sorry...”

His face turned into a big smile all in a second and I stopped apologizing.

-

I needed to shower again before bed, but I did it in about ten seconds and dried and brushed and was back in the room, and Dennis got up again and smiled and... left.

I heard his flip-flops go away and got undressed from my housecoat as quick as I could and pulled on the nightie and looked in the little mirror and I could only see my shoulders because it was a really small mirror and too high, but it was really, really pretty. I tried to see it from every angle. I looked down a lot, too. Mostly.

There was another quiet knock at the door and I realized that Dennis was being polite.

I was red, but smiling all over when I opened the door.

I didn’t know what to do, but I kinda held my own hands.

He looked me up and down and I got *too* red, but he took a step back into the doorway and made a little twirl with his finger and pretended to be all critical or something and I laughed and turned around with my arms out and when I came around to see him again he was smiling.

He stepped in and closed the door and hugged me.

“You look beautiful...”

And in all the years I tried to look like a girl and all the things I wore and the makeup I tried to use and no matter how much I liked the result, it was the first time in my whole life I felt pretty.

And Dennis was the first person to see me, in my whole life.

-

He hugged me hard until I could stop crying.

I didn’t even know why I was, because I felt so good.

And I cried for a long, long LONG time.

-

I woke up before Dennis.

I looked at my arm in the sleeve of my nightie and whispered “My nightie” and listened to how good it sounded.

I'd had a pretend nightie before, a huge t-shirt, and even wore it some nights, but was always afraid.

I looked at it in the light from the window and pulled up the front and stroked the ribbon and saw how they were slightly different whites, the ribbon and the flannel, and how I almost couldn’t see the flowers in the dim light.

When I looked back over at Dennis, he was looking back at me and smiling too.

I was only red because I bet I looked like an idiot, not because of my nightie.

“Morning.”

He smiled even more.

‘Morning to you, too, cutie.”

He looked up at his clock where he kept it on his desk over his bed and it was about eight, almost an hour later than we usually got up. I tried to remember what day it was, even. Tuesday.

“Aren’t you going to class?” We both had Psych at ten, and I’d missed my eight A.M., but I *had* to go see Ben. He shook his head a bit and grinned.

“Nope. I’m going with you guys and making sure none of you get lost.” He tried to look serious and still grinned a bit.

“You’re coming too?”

I guess he didn’t really think I’d be serious because he looked at me like he was thinking about how I looked and leaned his head up on one arm.

“I want to check with Ben if there’s any problems with me being your roomate and if there’s anything I need to do even if it is all okay.” He looked right at my eyes.

“And I wanna see him, or someone, about Justin.” He looked all okay, but his eyes got shiny and I knew how he was.

I got out of bed and went and sat beside him and rubbed his arm, the same way he did for me so many times and he laid back down and closed his eyes and a tear ran down over his ear and onto his pillow.

I didn’t know what to say or what he wanted to talk about, and we didn’t even talk about it the day before, but I knew he was really homesick for him. I guess that’s not the right word, but it was more than just missing him.

I leaned over and hugged him and leaned my head on his shoulder and wished I had the words.

After about a minute he moved his arm out from under me and hugged me and made little noises in my hair and I’m pretty sure he was crying.

When he stopped, or I couldn’t hear him, I kept rubbing his back and tried to think if I should say what I thought. I thought if I was the same as him, I’d like it if he said something.

“Do you think he might be lonely?” I tried to be really quiet.

He started to cry again.

-

He was still pretty upset, but at least not crying anymore.

“I’ve been mad that he hasn’t been writing or returning my my e-mails, and...” He sat beside me and held my hand. And looked at the floor.

“Do you have his phone number?”

It was like I was saying something he didn’t understand. I thought I shouldn’t maybe be making suggestions in case I was really wrong...

“It’s still really early there...”

But he looked like he couldn’t think of a better idea in the world. Then he hugged me and kissed my cheek.

He stood up and pulled on jeans and a tee and ran to the door and said he was going to the phones in the main lobby, where the door thing was, and don’t leave without him! He almost slammed the door too.

Then he came back and found his wallet for his phone card.

-

When Mom and Dad knocked about twenty minutes later I'd changed and was too shy to show them my nightie but I said we had to go get Dennis and when we got to the lobby phones he was leaning and facing away and almost hugging the phone and really quiet, so he could have been whispering.

We sat on a bench by the doors and Dad put his arm around my shoulders and Mom took my hand and we all waited. Dennis was barefoot.

-

After about ten more minutes he stood up and talked a bit more normally and said bye a few times and then hung up and wiped his face facing the phones and turned and started walking over to the hall before he saw us and stopped.

He’d been crying again, for sure, and we all stood up and I went over and hugged him as hard as I could and he did too, for just a few seconds. Then he stood up more and smiled.

“He’s going to go see someone today...” He tried to keep the smile, but was still sad.

“He’s lonely, like you said, and was depressed, he said... he figured...”

His eyes started running tears again and his face scrunched up. Mom hooked his arm and pulled him over to the bench and sat him down and I sat on the other side of him.

He covered his face with both hands and hid and shook and made choking noise. Mom hugged him and made “there, there” noises and pulled out some hankies for him. I tried to just touch him, if that makes any sense.

After just a few seconds, less than a minute, he slowed down and stopped and Mom dug out a little pack of more hankies and gave him a couple more and he dried his face all over and looked embarrassed at Dad.

“I’m sorry...”

Dad reached across me and touched his arm for a second and said he didn’t need to be.

“Everyone cries, son.” He looked at me too, and all of a sudden I thought that I’d never seen him cry, ever. Like Casablanca. Until the day before.

But Dennis was better, and straightened up and said a thanks at Mom and Dad and then took my hand.

“My friend’s in Vancouver, um, Washington... and doesn’t know anyone and he’s been depressed and we just talked and...”

He looked down and put his other hand on mine.

“I was... mad he hadn’t called or anything and...” He looked at me for a tiny second and then at Dad.

“Bobby said I should call him and, umm, ah... he’s gonna try to see a counselor today, too.”

He looked like he was trying not to cry again. Mom touched his arm.

“Is he alright?” She was pretty quiet. Dennis closed his eyes, or looked way down.

“I don’t know... I guess so...” He rubbed my hand.

“Better now, anyway.”

----

End of Part Ten