Whispers

Part Seven, by Michelle Wilder

Butterflies love the Touch-me-not
All others, it stings

(This is almost the first story I ever wrote. It's the apple seed from which many grew. Reposted with grammatical revision only.)

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Dennis really needed go to supper and said we could talk more later but we had to stop then, okay?

But I was hungry too, when he mentioned it. And *he* hadn't even had breakfast!

He got Anne and most of the girls still on the floor to go too, and Jarrod, and all the way down (after Anne checked and the doors *were* gone*) they asked Dennis about his parents and since I hadn't done more than shaking his father's hand, I listened too. Patty said he hardly even talked to women, or girls at all. So much she noticed him *not* doing it.

Dennis said he was still figuring things out from having a son like him. (He winked at me when he said that.) A son who had a gay best friend in school. Or was the best friend of the gay kid. He said it just wasn't something his dad had ever had to think about, but he'd come around.

When we reached the doors, Jarrod told them about the whole thing and said it had to do with a homophobic threat and only a few students saw it, but it was aimed at me and Dennis, and named me.

Dennis put his arm around my shoulders when Jarrod said that. Then almost all the girls kinda did, too.

-

We took up two tables and I didn’t say much, but I felt pretty good.

My thoughts seemed to be clearer. I was trying to figure out what his mom meant, about Dennis, I mean, and I guess about me, and what she said about Justin and him. And what his father must be like, since Dennis loved him... like I only saw him one, tiny way and not what he was really like.

His mom said he was scared by the door thing. Dennis was.

He said he didn’t think I was gay. His mom too. I didn’t know what they meant. If they said that, then they must be thinking it, or have been told it... that I was gay, or something, or they wouldn’t say so.

But *I* never told anyone that...

So, *really*, they thought... I was gay. And the *school* too... they asked Dennis.

I couldn't believe how calm I was, thinking all that.

Dennis said he talked to everyone, my parents and Barry and Carol, about me when I moved in. About that? Like...

That made me scared again. That they thought I was gay? Or... they knew about my clothes?!

I think I started to go pale when I thought that.

“Bobby?”

I looked up and one of the girls had asked me something, I guess, or was just checking if I was there. I had a hard time paying attention enough to even figure out she was asking something.

“Pardon?” Mom always said I shouldn’t say ‘Huh?’

“*Are* you coming with us?”

I’d missed something.

“What?” I thought about what I must’ve missed. Going somewhere. “Where?”

Patty smiled at me like I was being cute. Or stupid.

“The movie tonight?” I must’ve looked out of it. “At the SU? Do you wanna come too?”

She smiled like she wanted me to, I guess. Go, I mean.

“What movie is it?” She rolled her eyes just the tiniest bit and I figured they’d already talked about that too. And from Anne's glance and smile, a lot.

“Earth to Bobby? Casablanca?”

She smiled and I didn’t really get embarrassed ‘cause I *was* thinking and just missed it, but I still had to think about it. I was tired like it was ten o’clock already, but it was only after six...

A movie?

I looked at Dennis and he was talking to Anne and another girl. And the two other girls than Patty were looking at me, like waiting to see if I was going, I think.

“Is Dennis going?”

He heard his name, I guess, and looked over at us, and then at me, and smiled.

“Mm?” He made that little question noise and raised his eyebrows. At least *he* hadn't seen me asleep in my seat.

One of the other girls sorta interrupted and talked really slow. “He wants to know if you’re going with us to Casablanca tonight.”

Dennis looked at all of us and then more at me.

“Would *you* like to go?” It sounded like he would if I did, or would.

His mouth smiled just the same, but his eyes sparkled, like it was... real... and... he wasn’t making fun of me, even if practically all the girls were giggling or laughing at me then.

I suddenly realized it was his smile like he had when he was talking to girls, like I’d noticed so many times, and that he used the same smile with me, and he always had, for at least a long time...

“Bobby?”

I looked over at Jarrod, or not at Dennis, anyway.

“You okay?”

I saw Dennis move, or do something, ‘cause he hadn’t moved when I looked back, but I at least got one thought finished by not staring at him for a second.

The movie. He asked me to go. No. I asked him, really. Or if he was. Going.

No. He asked if I would like to... and smiled.

I nodded at him. Like I would like to go, and he was smiling again, and I sorta understood what it meant, and yes, I did want to go.

He smiled even more and I grinned at him and Patty made a sound. I don’t remember what it was, but she was smiling at me too, when I looked, so it was a good one, I guess.

“So-ooo, you’re coming?” She smiled like “annnnd...?”

I looked at Dennis again for a second to be sure and he nodded a tiny nod and I smiled back at Patty yes.

“Yes, we're going. When is it?”

Everybody except Dennis laughed at me, and he smiled.

-

We had about fifteen minutes before everyone was going to meet in the front door hallway and Dennis closed the door and sat on his bed and I sat on mine and looked at him and I was suddenly embarrassed at what I’d been thinking at supper, and still was, really. That he asked me like I was a girl, almost.

But I knew he didn’t hate me, and he even said he liked me, and his mom said he really liked me and told her I was his friend and he thought I was a special friend, and he argued with his father about me...

But I didn’t even know what I wanted him to think about me.

I didn’t know what *I* thought.

He sat down beside me and I hadn't noticed him moving.

I looked at him and he was making the same question look with his eyes that Gary had. And smiling like it wasn’t bad, either. I was still thinking a mile a minute, but not enough about right then. And trying not to think about any of the stuff... I didn't know.

“Do you still want to go?” He asked pretty quietly, but then he was really close, too.

Okay. Fifteen minutes. That’s what I thought. Fifteen minutes.

Then I thought that I had about fifteen *hours* worth of thinking to do. Some of it was really bad. Some of it was really good. I was gonna cry if I thought some of it.

And it was okay if I did it with Dennis there. And it was okay if I didn't do it right away.

But if it was a sad movie, I thought... if I remembered what I knew about it, it was.

I knew he’d stay if I didn’t go. I had to think.

“It’s sad... isn’t it?”

He nodded a bit, but he smiled too.

“But it’s really good too, and funny, a bit, and has a happy ending.” He smiled like he knew what I meant. He smiled a lot of different ways.

“If I cry will you console me?”

He didn’t cry in movies, I was sure, but I nodded.

He looked right in my eyes and smiled really nice. Like when we finished the book. Like when he was just happy. It was one of his best smiles.

“You know that you don’t have to go, you know?” He was still smiling, but he was serious too, I could tell.

“No. I mean yes.” I tried to smile like him.

“But I’ve never seen it, and it sounds... I mean, everyone says it’s good...”

I really didn’t have a reason to go, just that he was too.

He smiled a little bit different and nodded and put his arm around my shoulders and squeezed me for a second.

“Okay, but if you want to leave, just ask and I’ll walk back with you, okay?” He looked right in my eyes and was serious.

“Okay.”

I had to look down when I said it because I was thinking about more than the movie. Like, maybe they were right...

Dennis didn't think so, 'cause he just gave me a little squeeze more and stood up.

He pulled his beat-up purple and white high school team jacket that he always wore everywhere and looked at it like he didn’t think it was the right thing or something.

“It’s cold and wet out, you know.”

I looked up and he was smiling that way again and I guess trying to get me to get a jacket too, so I stood up and tried to think about what I had, and then if I really should go, but then Dennis wouldn’t either, and he

“Here.”

He was holding his jacket open to me. He waved it a bit and I stood closer a step, and he smiled more and I turned half-around.

I put my arm in the sleeve and he pulled it up and held the other side and then I had it on and he snugged it up the way salespeople do in a store, except it wasn’t snug. It was big.

“It’s really warm.”

I looked down at it and kinda held it closed with my arms and could just reach outside the cuffs with my finger tips. I looked up then.

“You can borrow it tonight but I want it back, okay?” He was smiling like I was making a silly face or something. He nodded too, and I nodded back.

He got his ski jacket and then opened the door and held it while I passed him into the hall.

-

All the girls were at the front doors already and talking as we came around the last turn in the stairs. As they turned and looked at us, they suddenly each got quiet.

I had a cold moment like when that happens. When I know people were looking.

But they were looking at Dennis. Just glances at me, but really at him. We reached the floor and he stopped.

“What?!” He sounded like he was joking, but not? I turned and he wasn’t... he was *less* joking every second.

I suddenly, really, really wanted to just go back upstairs and not talk to anyone and not see the movie.

But Dennis made the smallest step to right beside me, and put his arm around my waist and pulled me into a hard hug and just stood there and I could feel him shaking.

I didn’t want to push away, but I really didn’t want him to hug me there, either. And I didn't know why he did.

Suddenly one of the other girls and then *all* of them made a big noise of talking and laughing and then one of them hugged me from behind and they were all apolgizing and came around us and were touching me.

Dennis kept on hugging me and I suddenly realized I was hugging him too. Had my arms around him.

He made a rough noise and did something, I could feel it, and they stopped, and even stopped touching me, except Dennis.

I was *really* aware that we were in the hall, and what I was doing, and I got pretty stiff. Dennis had to have felt it. I wanted him to let go of me, or step away from me, or freeze, or say “Stop it...”

Instead, he hugged me *really* hard for a second with both arms and leaned his head down and whispered “That sucked.”

I just stayed frozen, but I tried to nod. Or look like I agreed.

He must have figured it out.

“They were just surprised, you know?” He still whispered. “That you had my jacket on.”

I was able to nod a tiny bit.

“But it was just like those other times, mm?”

I hugged a little harder.

“I’m here now.”

I hugged a lot harder.

-

He managed to get us back to our room and me calmed down, and without me crying or anything...

Then he convinced me to go to the movie after all. Or he just asked, and I did want to go. Still.

I know that sounds too simple, but he really mostly just hugged me for a minute, and then mostly just talked quietly and I mostly just sat and nodded. And held on to him.

And thought. It *was* like when people laughed, but only because I was self-conscious, not as if I felt all the fear and stuff. And they were my friends.

It was like a echo of how bad it could really feel.

And it only took about ten minutes.

He promised that he’d stay right beside me and even hold my hand and hug me if I needed him to, and I could hug him any time too, and the girls and Jarrod would make sure it was okay.

I didn’t say anything about that, he just said it and I nodded, and he only made me say anything at the end.

He asked *really* clearly, for sure, if I wanted to go, really.

I said, “Yes.” And smiled. I did.

So he went out and talked with them in the hall for a minute and came back and closed the door and asked if I was *still* okay, and then we went out, again.

Patty and Anne were the official apologizers, I guess.

They said they were sorry and stupid and thoughtless and could I ever forgive them and Patty said Anne was lower than the gum under my shoes and I had to laugh even if they were embarrassing me.

After that it was okay and we finally headed out. Ten minutes late and hurrying so we could get snacks.

The rain had stopped for the moment and it almost felt like it was gonna snow. We could really see our breath, first time that fall.

Patty had her arm around mine and Dennis did too. I mean, he had one of my arms too.

-

Just after we all stomped into the SU through the automatic doors doors, a couple of guys I recognized from one of our rez's other floors hurried past us heading towards the bar and arcade, and I heard one them say, “That’s the faggots I told you about.”

I felt like an electric spark of cold. Dennis kinda jerked and Jarrod stopped where he was in front of us and had a face so mad I could see it from behind.

And I twisted around out of both Dennis' and Patty's arms and yelled at them!

"Shut up!"

The stopped for just a second, about twenty feet away, but didn't turn around and then they kept walking. I yelled again, as loud as I could.

"That's harassment and it's against the law! And it hurts people and *you're* doing it!"

Everyone was stopped. Us. Even *they* almost stopped.

Jarrod looked at me, and all of us, I guess, and got a little bit more normal looking, but was still mad. Then he looked at them again, almost to the corner. His voice was gritty. And loud.

“Floor three-A, right?”

Even like a hundred and fifty feet away, they looked like they just figured out who he was, or just noticed him, probably, and knew they’d screwed up bad. One of them nodded a bit and the other one elbowed him and kinda ran around the corner. His friend... stopped.

After a second of looking back and forth from us to his friend, the one who nodded left too. We could hear him yelling at his friend down the corridor.

I really wasn’t as bad as I thought I should've been. I was scared, but I wasn’t frozen. I turned around and Dennis and Patty were holding arms, or she was holding his... I took his other one again.

"Are you okay?" I knew how mad Dennis had been about the graffiti and it must've been just like it there...

He nodded and then said he was.

Then he let go my hand and put his arm around my shoulders and squeezed. "Are *you* okay?"

I nodded. I was. "Stupid idiots..."

Patty said something a lot ruder in a whisper, but Dennis stayed really quiet for about ten seconds and then smiled at me.

“Justin woulda kissed me and grinned at them.”

I thought about what he’d told me about his best friend, about how scared he’d been at the start and how after, after, they’d even gone to the senior prom together. I nodded a bit and almost smiled.

He grinned at me and then leaned over really slowly and kissed my cheek.

I didn’t do anything that anyone could see except get red and.. well, I tried not to smile more, but Patty made a little jump or something.

Dennis grinned at everyone and then he looked at me and smiled like the two jerks had never happened.

“I hope you’ll pardon my lips?”

Okay, maybe like they had happened, but it was different... like it was *good* that they'd happened.

Patty kinda squealed. “Justin? Are you really gay!?” She was gonna twist his arm off, from the look of it, and she wasn’t big.

Dennis grinned big and pulled us both into walking again, ahead of everyone else.

“Nooo, but I went to my prom with him, he's my best buddy, and he dances divinely...”

He closed his eyes and hugged me around in a circle like a dance and acted silly-in-love.

-

Even Jarrod was better, if coughing and laughing so much he couldn't breathe was better.

Patty made really funny noises and I think was trying not to say anything else. The other girls were dancing divinely. Dennis strikes again.

I celebration, Jarrod and Anne said that they’d pay for the movies for all of us, which was really big of them since the show was free, but it was still funny.

Jarrod *did* talk to whoever he knew and got them to wait a few extra minutes before starting so we could get snacks, anyway.

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End of Part Seven