A story about a family with two boys aged 10 and 13, in which choice is a delusion and gender, an illusion. It’s a familiar theme in the TG literature, but this time with an unfamiliar twist. His mother says she is leaving his family because of his refusal to feminize his body. To stop her from going, Blair has to make a choice that is, thanks to Maggie, no real choice at all.

Choices Chapter 17 Blair’s choice

Blair, tears flowing down his face, grabbed on to Maggie’s sweater as she tried to ascend the stairs. “Mom, you can’t leave,” he squealed, “Not until you know everything. You don’t know half of what’s going on here.”

Maggie was tempted to brush him off, but Blair was so pitiful-looking she lingered to kiss him one last time. It was definitely him this time. She no longer hoped for his metamorphosis into a genuine girl, but she couldn’t help loving him. And, darn it, Blair looked especially pathetic and vulnerable in his chocolate-stained, white party dress and ruined makeup.

As she paused to kiss him, Blair repeated, each time with increasing urgency, “There’s something I’ve got to tell you. He made me promise, but I can’t keep it secret any longer, not when you’re so upset.”

She finally heard him — “What promise? What secret? What have you been keeping from me?”

“You probably won’t believe me, not when you’re mad at me.”

“Try me.”

Blair, afraid to look Maggie in the eye, looked down at his feet:

First, I’ve got a confession to make: I haven’t been taking the ho-mones since I talked to Angela at the tea party. Until then, I thought any boobs I grew would go away as soon as I stopped taking the ho-mones. So I figured it would be a hoot to see myself with hooters; and I knew that Alicia would go nuts over them. It would be cool to have them for a couple of months, but I don’t want ‘em for the rest of my life ‘cause Cody would hate ‘em. So when Angela told me it would take a dangerous operation to get rid of my boobs once I got ‘em, I stopped taking the ho-mones, cold turkey like.

“You should have told me months ago that you weren’t willing to feminize your body. We could have saved a lot of money and heartache.”

Blair doubted it: “If you had known the truth, wouldn’t you have abandoned me and the family months ago? What was so wrong with letting you believe that I was changing into a girl? Anyway, I actually believed I had taken the ho-mones long enough to give me some small breasts for the rest of my life. In other words, that it was too late for me ever to be 100 percent boy ever again. When Doctor Sent-Here-to-See told me I only had an allergy, I realized that I still had a real choice: So no more ho-mones for me!”

“Blair, those herbal pills weren’t cheap. What happened to them? Did you flush them down the drain?”

“No,” Blair answered. Then he mumbled something. Maggie demanded a clarification. So Blair told her that none of the pills had been wasted.

“If you didn’t take them, who did?”

Finally, Blair cut to the chase: “Kirk’s been taking the pills. He was desperate to take the Big Pill after he heard you say that it worked a lot faster and better than the herbal pills. So that’s why we staged the fight — so Kirk could get the Big Pill. I bet he ate it even before he left the kitchen.”

Maggie was dumbstruck. “You’re telling me that Kirk has been taking your pills for months? You’re telling me that Kirk wants to become a girl? Kirk of all people? It’s impossible to believe.”

“Mom, Kirk started taking the ho-mones even before that day when we saw the rainbow at McDonald’s. Don’t you remember that the pill bottles were half empty? As soon as he got the pills in the mail, he started taking ‘em because Kirk’s been desperate to have a body worthy of a girl. That’s how he’s put it — not to ‘get a girl’s body’. He’s always had that, Kirk said; but ‘to get a body like other girls have’.”

“Like other girls? What are you saying? Are you trying to tell me, Blair, that Kirk is …”

Blair cut her off: “Yes, Kirk knows he is a transsexual. He’s always been one, he says, or at least since he’s been three or four. That’s why he’s always been so angry — ‘’cause he thinks he’s too ugly actually to live life like a girl. That’s what he keeps telling me — not that he’s a girl trapped in a boy’s body, but that he’s a girl born so ugly that it’s impossible for anyone even to imagine Kirk’s really being a girl. Like you mommy. It was so easy for you to see me as a girl that you’ve been doing everything you can to make me into one. That’s because I’m a little blond sissy. And people always say I’m cute enough to be a girl. But no one can imagine Kirk as a girl because, he says, he’s ‘ugly even for a boy’.”

Maggie rebutted:

Blair, you’re not being fair to me. It’s never been a question of looks. Kirk’s has always seemed to despise femininity. Look at his attitudes towards sissies, homos and girly girls. The only girl he’s ever seemed to admire is Big Al, Alicia; and yet he can’t stand her being a lesbian. No, Blair, there’s no way you can convince me that Kirk believes himself to be a transsexual. There is no way that a transsexual could despise the gender she covets. Nice try, though.

Blair now said:

You gotta understand, mom, that Kirk told me that he despises girly girls and sissy boys because he’s a fem'nist who thinks that there’s far too much emphasis placed on the way girls and women look. Girls should be strong like Big Al, not sissies like me. That’s what Kirk says. He said that Big Al is exactly the sort of girl he dreams of being, except for her being a dyke. It disgusts him that Big Al is sexing it with me. Kirk admits he’s a homophobe, which sure doesn’t help us to get along. Sometimes I really get mad at him. He always apologizes afterwards, but it’s not long again before he says something bad about us gays.

“Let’s see if I got your story right: You’re saying that Kirk has been trying to feminize himself for months, without telling me, because he believes that he’s a transsexual. Yet he also despises traditional femininity, possibly because of his own appearance, and in an ideal world he’d be a bull dyke, but one who’d only have sex with hetero guys.”

“Yeah, that’s about it. When Kirk saw a rerun of the first season of Survivor, you know the one — the one with the gay dude who went around in the nude?”

Maggie knew the one, mentally adding, “Yeah, the show in which the gay dude later went to prison for evading taxes on his million-dollar prize.”

Blair continued: “Well, that show had a female truck driver named Sue. She’s the sort of woman Kirk wants to grow up to be — you know, tough, reliant, takes no crap from anyone. Kirk also admires Roseanne Barr, women wrestlers and girl hockey players.”

“Blair, I know you’re upset that I have to leave; that’s why you’re telling me this wild story. But it’s impossible to square your version of Kirk with the one who, for example, created that scene at Penney’s or mocked you for playing with dolls.”

Blair replied with a touch of insolence:

That shows how much you know about Kirk. He acted up at Penney’s because he hoped that the clerks would ‘punish’ him by fitting him for some girls’ clothes. That way he’d learn what size to buy. He also hoped they’d secretly add some girls’ undies for him to wear in the stuff you bought for me. Kirk was especially anxious to get some shapewear because he wanted to know if he’d look acceptably female if he had the breasts and curves of a teenaged girl. Since then almost every time you and dad have left him alone he’s been admiring himself in the mirror while wearing his shapewear, often with a dress on over it. He even got me to wear his boys’ underwear to school most days, so that you’d not notice when doing the wash that he’s been wearing a bra and panties to school virtually every day since we shopped at Penney’s. Of course, he wore his own stuff, but also anything of mine that fitted him.

“You’re telling me that Kirk has been dressing like a girl every time I’m gone from the house?”

“Yeah, and I’m also telling you that he likes to play dolls even more than I do. I’m too grown-up now for dolls. They’re sitting on a shelf. But sometimes Kirk takes my dolls into his room, and I know he loves to dress and undress G.I. Joe in Barbie’s clothes ‘cause he thinks G.I. Joe is the doll that looks most like him. So he wants to see what G.I. Joe looks like as a woman.”

“G.I. Joe disappeared soon after we brought him home. You’re telling me that the action figure has been all this time in Kirk’s room? Well, I’ve not seen the doll. Where’s he been hiding?”

Blair answered, “In a white shoebox under Kirk’s bed, along with the dresses, skirts and halter tops that fit G. I. Joe the best.”

“Okay, Blair. That’s the first story from you that I can verify without having to ask Kirk to prove he’s not a secret transsexual.” Grabbing hold of Blair’s right hand, Maggie said, “Let’s you and me pay a visit to Kirk’s room. I want to see if he has a white shoebox under his bed.”

When Maggie knocked on Kirk’s locked bedroom door, there was a panicky voice announcing that she’d have to wait for a few moments because he wasn’t decent. “I’ve got nothing on but my underpants. Wait a sec.”

“Kirk, this is ridiculous. I’m your mother and there’s nothing special about a boy’s chest. Unlock the door please.”

His face flushed from exertion, Kirk was wearing his felt bathrobe when he finally came to the door. Maggie saw that she wouldn’t have to look under the bed for a white shoebox; it was sitting closed on Kirk’s bed. “What’s in the shoebox?” Maggie asked.

“Nothing much,” Kirk replied evasively.

“Even so, I’d like to look inside it. There shouldn’t be any secrets between a son and his mother.” Before Kirk could grab the box himself, Maggie seized it, opened it, and spilled its contents — G. I. Joe and his dress collection — onto the bed. She realized that at least part of Blair’s story was true. Was the rest?

“Kirk,” she said in her most parental voice,

Today we learned that Blair has been suffering needlessly from an allergic reaction to polyester. Had he not been so shy, I would have seen the rash and puffiness around his nipples, and he’d have been spared weeks or months of itching and pain. I realize now that I should have been insisting on inspecting you both on a regular basis just to make sure that you’ve not got a problem like acne on your shoulders or back that should be treated by a doctor. So off with the robe, young man. I want to look at your chest, back and legs.

”I won’t. I simply won’t. You can’t barge into my room and tell me to strip. This isn’t Chippendales. I want to be left alone. You told me to go to my room as punishment. Isn’t that enough? If you respected my wishes, you’d leave me in peace.”

“Kirk,” Blair said quietly, “She knows. I told her everything. She knows about the Big Pill, the ho-mones and the crossdressing. She even knows that you’ve got girl’s boobs and that you see yourself as the only transsexual in this family. You may as well take off your robe, given what mom already knows.”

Maggie was truly shocked. This was the first she’d heard about Kirk’s having boobs. Had the herbal hormones and testosterone suppressants actually worked?

“She knows?” Kirk asked in amazement. “You pinky swore that you’d never tell anyone, least of all Maggie and dad. Now you’ve broken your solemn promise. How could you do it to me? You’ve always been a hopeless sissy, Blair, but until now I had hopes you might yet prove yourself a Man. Instead, you’re the biggest loser I know.”

It was as though Maggie weren’t even there. She surmised that Kirk was having difficulty accepting that not only she was standing there, in his inner sanctum, but that she knew his innermost secrets — well, at least those he had shared with Blair.

“Kirk honey, don’t blame your brother.”

“My brother? I thought Blair was my everlasting sister!”

“Not any more I’m not,” Blair replied:

After I told mom that I’d never agree to take the Big Pill and so would never become a real girl, she got so upset that she said she was leaving dad and us … forever! She was going upstairs to pack. She said she was going to be gone before we woke up in the morning. She was upset, Kirk, because I could never be the daughter that she needs and wants. I’m just a boy who likes to dress up. But you, you’re different. You already are the daughter that mom wants. She’s just gotta to know the truth. That’s why I couldn’t keep your secret any longer. I had to tell mom; it was the only way to keep our family together.

“Blair’s telling the truth, Kirk. He did the right thing by breaking whatever promise you extracted from him. Now, honey, please take off the robe. I need to see the real you.”

“Blair’s the daughter you want, not me,” Kirk said loudly and emotionally to Maggie. “He’s as pretty as any girl, and as soon as he puts on a dress everyone wants to get it on with him. Jeez, Blair could probably make a million bucks a day if he turned pro. I’ve known for a long time that he’ll never agree to a sex change. It would upset his marriage plans for Cody.”

“Kirk, I know all about Blair. But what about you, honey? Aren’t you now the center of attention?”

Kirk punched the wall —

"Me, the center of attention? You mean like the bearded lady at a carnival freak show? Maggie, I’m the homely boy nobody notices until he gets a black trench coat and starts listening to Metallica. If I were a girl, I’d either be the nice girl who’s never had a date or else the not-so-nice feminist who spends her Saturday evenings working on a thesis about ‘lookism’. Maggie, every time that God puts a girl into a boy’s body, it’s a frigging tragedy. But if God was to put a girl inside this body, with a face as fugly as mine, it would be a frigging farce. You really don’t want to see me without my robe. You can’t handle it."

“Yes, I can honey,” Maggie said as she walked over to Kirk who put up no resistance as Maggie untied the sash of his bathrobe, pushed it back over his shoulders, and onto the floor. Kirk, wearing a white, uplift bra (that he’d somehow bought himself) and white cotton panties, with a lace trim and padding on the sides and rear, was now exposed as a crossdresser — just like Blair. Yet Maggie wasn’t looking at Kirk’s lingerie. Her eyes were feasting on his breasts bulging out of the top of his bra. In size and shape, they would have turned most fourteen-year-old girls into a shower room exhibitionist.

“Kirk, your breasts are magnificent,” Maggie gushed, but how did you keep them a secret?”

“With lots of tape and painfully tight sports bras, that’s how,” Kirk answered. “And didn’t you wonder why I’m still wearing big, bulky sweaters and a heavy coat in mid-May? Do you want to see what I look like without a bra? Blair can stay. He’s been measuring them once a week since I started taking the herbal pills.”

Kirk, blushing furiously, slowly undid his bra. Soon enough, two youthfully perky breasts were liberated, their aureoles surprisingly large and dark for a male less than six months into his sex change. “What do you think?” Kirk shyly asked. It was obvious that his breasts were the part of his body he liked best. Possibly they were the only part of his body he didn’t loathe.

“What do I think?” Maggie echoed. She extended her arms outward, beckoning Kirk to come to her as girls have to their mother since the beginning of time. Maggie called out, “Kirk, love, you are the most beautiful daughter any mother could ever want or be lucky to have. Please come to me. I have so many apologies to make and I have so many wondrous plans for you, my dear, dear Kirk, my one and only true daughter.”

Mother and daughter fell into each other arms, sobbing. For the first time ever Kirk called her “mom,” over and over again. Her daughter would never again refer to her as Maggie.

Finally catching her breath, Kirk said, as he had once before, “But mommy, I’ll be butt ugly as a girl. You’ve always wanted to have a beautiful daughter like Blair.”

Maggie replied:

"No sweetheart, you’ve got that so, so wrong. A daughter has always been what I wanted. Her looks don’t matter. I’ve never said to myself that my daughter has to be beautiful, or intelligent or good with her hands. All I’ve ever said to myself is that I want a daughter to mother and to love! I’d never enroll a daughter of mine in a beauty pageant. They’re grossly exploitative. But if the judges saw you through my eyes, Kirk, you’d be sure to win Miss USA because my daughter is by definition the most beautiful girl in the entire world. Even so, I understand your concerns and your fears. You’re a teenager now and teens are never satisfied with their appearance. They always want to have their breasts enlarged, their ears pinned, or their nose bobbed. Well, we’ve got plenty of money to help you to improve your self-image. But seriously, sweetie, you’ve not had any help in learning how we women make ourselves look truly stunning. I guarantee you that with a little instruction from Pierre and me, you will look so beautiful by the end of this summer that you could even seduce Blair’s teen idol, Justin something."

Maggie then explained to the two children that Laird, whom she now intended to awaken even if it took smelling salts, was not likely to welcome a second of his boys becoming a girl. So she thought it wise to give Laird the “good” news about Blair first — namely, that Blair had decided to dress and behave like a boy for the foreseeable future.

When Blair objected, Maggie lectured him about letting Kirk have her moment in the sun, growing and blossoming in femininity without everyone’s comparing Kirk to her kid brother, still playing around in dresses:

"I’m not saying, Blair, that you can never again dress like a female; I just want you to cool your jets for a year so that your dad doesn’t feel like he’s no longer got a son. You’ll have to be the only son for a while. Can you handle the role? Needless to say, it would help if you kept Cody more in the background. Your father doesn’t need to know that you two are ‘an item’. Agreed””

Blair not only agreed, he understood. His dad could only handle one daughter at a time. Besides, there was no need for either of his parents to know what he wore when he was alone with Cody. His door did, after all, have a lock.

"After your dad has got used to the idea of having Blair the prodigal son return, we’ll give him the joyous news that you, Kirk, have become his daughter — indeed, that you have always been his daughter. Kirk, you will, of course, be the one to undergo surgery as soon as it can be arranged so you won’t have to worry about skinny-dipping in front of the other girls — no boys mind you! As for you, Blair, we’ll have to have a long talk about your schooling next September now that you’re not welcome at Lewis A. Clark.”

“A military boarding school is what Blair needs,” Kirk offered.

“How about a school for the performing arts?” Blair rebutted.

“The decision can await another day. Before we wake your father, Kirk, it’s best if you decide on a new, more feminine name. I assure you that there will be no difficulty in making it your official name of record. My geek is still in the market for classic comic books.

Have you ever thought of naming yourself Ellen Margaret in memory of your birth mother? I do think the two names — hers and mine — together make a simply divine name, indeed the perfect name for a student at the Punani Academy come September.”