A story about a family with two boys aged 10 and 13, in which choice is a delusion and gender, an illusion. It’s a familiar theme in the TG literature, but this time with an unfamiliar twist. With the help of a sex-crazed, guilt-ridden doctor Maggie has obtained the "Big Pill" and Blair is fast running out of wriggle room. Will the Big Pill Party go as Maggie wants -- with Blair making a psychologially irreversible decision to be a girl for life?

Choices, Chapter 16 Maggie’s Choice

Maggie couldn’t understand why her children were so churlish. The balloons, the streamers, the soda pop, candy and popcorn should have prepped them for an evening of fun. She did so much want Blair’s most fateful step yet to be associated with laughter and joy. This was to be the evening in which Blair would, by faithfully swallowing the Big Pill, believe that she had made an irreversible decision to become Maggie’s daughter till death did them part several decades thence.

While Maggie anticipated some nerves from Blair that evening, the high-strung kid seemed ready to snap. Blair seemed to be picking fights with everyone. Even Alicia judged “her” to be insufferable, and twice within the first half-hour Blair apparently had said something to cause Angela to burst into tears. While it was possible that Angela’s hormone therapy was simply making the girl weepy, there was no mistaking the tenor of Kirk’s remarks, which seemed not only to be misogynistic (with three “girls” present) but also homophobic (with two “lesbians” present). Did Kirk really expect to impress Blair, Angela and Alicia by telling them that they had an obligation “as females” to have a lot of babies so that Bybee Lake’s native population didn’t get replaced by “outsiders” who bred like rabbits — you know, like New Englanders, Japanese and Canucks? A feminist, Maggie silently applauded Alicia for forcing a recantation from Kirk by way of a half-Nelson.

What probably upset Maggie the most, however, was her inability to catch either Blair or Kirk dipping a hand into the candy or popcorn bowls, even though the contents of both were rapidly disappearing. It was almost as though they didn’t want her to see them having fun.

As the dinner party commenced, lugubrious Laird laid low the lingering party spirit. Blind drunk even before they sat down, he acted as though they were attending a wake. “Lesh drink to Blur, todaysh the day that she’s gonna take a rilly, rilly big pill so she duzn’t hav to worry eva again ‘bout puttin’’ the toilet down afta pissin’. Blur will be a good little girlie now on. She’ll stop peein’ on the rug.”

Fortunately or unfortunately, those were the last coherent words that Laird said that evening. Mumbling something, he left the table, picked up a half-full bottle of bourbon and a used beer glass, stumbled over to the living room sofa, where he soon fell fast asleep, snoring fitfully, the bottle now empty, the beer glass full to the brim with bourbon, two popcorn kernels floating on top.

Maggie apologized on Laird’s behalf, but her guests graciously claimed to have seen their parents in even worse shape. Kirk would have none of it: “You’re just trying to make us Finlaysons feel better. I don’t believe your mom ever got that hammered, Angela; and Big Al, your father’s been going to AA since you were in Pampers. No, my dad got awesomely trashed tonight because he’s ashamed of Blair. Any dad would get shit-faced at a Big Pill Party.”

Blair and Maggie glared at Kirk. Angela looked away in embarrassment. Big Al looked set to slug Kirk.

“We don’t use the s-word in this house, young man,” Maggie lectured. She otherwise didn’t know quite what to say. She was pleased, therefore, when Big Al asked, “What’s a Big Pill Party?”

“Alicia,” Maggie began,

"I’m so pleased you asked. Angela has already been taking the Big Pill as you can see from her new cup size. We’re having a party tonight to celebrate Blair’s decision to start taking Big Pills from this evening onward. She’s been taking herbals for months, but they’ve produced little or no breast development. So Blair is switching today to synthetic steroids. Today, when I filled my prescription for six months of Big Pills, theoretically for me, but actually for Blair, the pharmacist refused to believe that I was menopausal. I guess I should be flattered. He said that the high potency of the Big Pill didn’t make any sense unless I was trying to change my sex as rapidly as possible. So I had to admit that I was born a man. He was shocked, but he nonetheless complimented me on my success “at passing”. Blair, sweetie, if that druggist talks, then you’ll have to get used to everyone’s thinking your mother is a man. That’s a hoot, isn’t?"

“I don’t see the humor in it,” said Kirk. “When word gets around that my mother is as big a weirdo as my sister-brother, I won’t be able to show my face in public. Blair, you’re ruining my life. No wonder my friends won’t be seen with me.”

“I am not,” Blair said. “I’m not the reason you don’t have any friends. It’s your own sour puss.”

They were about to come to blows, but Angela in all innocence diverted them: “Ms. Maguire, I didn’t know you were originally a dude. Does that mean that Blair and Kirk are adopted? I mean they couldn’t be yours, could they now?”

“Angela, you are a total doofster! Were you born yesterday, along with your tits?” said Kirk. “Blair isn’t adopted. When two guys make a baby together, the kid is always a dickhead like Blair.”

Maggie admonished him: “That’s more than enough, young man. One more comment like that and you’ll be having the longest timeout of your short life. Angela dear, I was never a man. I’ve always been a woman. You do understand, don’t you, that the drugstore would never knowingly provide Big Pills to anyone Blair’s age? That’s why the prescription had to be in my name. That’s why I fibbed to the druggist.”

Kirk wouldn’t let up: “Come on, Angela, you know that Maggie isn’t our mother. Mine died and they’re still looking for Blair’s in the zoo.”

Kirk easily ducked Blair’s slow-motion punch; however, in doing so, he “accidentally” bumped Big Al’s arm, causing her to spill hot chocolate on her jeans. Big Al gave Kirk a mighty shove, causing him to bounce off Blair, who fell off his chair onto the floor.

Maggie raised her voice:

"Children, that’s quite enough! This is an adult occasion: A Big Pill Party for a transsexual child like Blair is the equivalent of her Bat Mitzvah. We’re celebrating Blair’s step into female puberty. It would help set the mood, consequently, if you, Blair get out from under the table. Your brother can see that you’re trying to tie his shoes together. And you, Kirk should get a paper towel for Big Al, to help her sop up the spilt milk; but don’t you dare put your hands on her thighs. Remember how a gentleman acts around a lady."

“Al’s no lady; she’s a bull dyke,” replied Kirk. This remark got him a sharp punch to his midriff, leaving him breathless and wordless.

Maggie used the lull in the “conversation” to serve cake and ice cream to the quarrelsome quartet. Atop Blair’s slice of cake, amongst the icing rosettes, she had artfully placed the now sugar-coated Big Pill that Blair would swallow, according to Maggie, to prove (before witnesses) that Blair wanted to live the rest of her life as a female. Then, to (over)dramatize the occasion, Maggie fibbed that Blair’s sexual transformation would become “virtually irreversible” once she had taken two Big Pills, followed by one Big Shot from Dr. Sentirsi in two days time. Maggie finished by explaining the importance to the peace and tranquility of Blair’s entire family that she keep her promise to take both a sufficient number of Big Pills and Big Shots — however many it took — to look like a complete female after reassignment surgery in July.

Angela and Big Al applauded; they urged Blair to “start with the icing” in order to get to the Big Pill “lickety-split”.

“Come on, sweetie,” said Maggie, camera poised, “start with the Big Pill, just like your friends said. This is the moment of truth — when you prove how much you love your mommy.”

“That’s it. I can’t stand it anymore!” Kirk shouted. “I’m tired of Blair being treated around here like Cinderella and me like an ugly stepsister. Let’s see if Blair is willing to eat her cake and pill off the floor!” With that, Kirk swept Blair’s plate of cake onto the floor between their two chairs. When Blair reached downward to save what he could from her upturned plate, Kirk pushed him up and away, in order to reach the “cake” first. Ignoring shouts from their tablemates, the siblings tumbled about on the floor, smearing themselves with cake and ice cream.

Finally, Blair, announcing that he’d found the Big Pill, surfaced with his mouth closed shut, the pill ostensibly inside. He then gulped down a swig of chocolate milk. “There, I’ve done it. Kirk couldn’t stop me from swallowing the Big Pill.”

Big Al and Angela applauded, but Maggie seemed paralyzed by doubt and suspicion. She didn’t move a muscle until Kirk, still lurking below the table, celebrated Blair’s “achievement” by pulling down his “sister’s” pink cotton panties (with white lace trim at the waist and legs). As Kirk rose to brandish them, Maggie told him in no uncertain terms to retire to his room “to reflect on how boys should treat girls.” Kirk headed off, but not until he’d wrapped the panties around Blair’s head like a head scarf.

Maggie noticed that Blair was reacting to her supposed humiliation with a moronic smile, while Kirk practically seemed to relish his banishment, despite the damage done to his standing before their guests. Suspecting that her kids were somehow in cahoots, she resolved to wrap the party up early. Fortunately, Coach Anderson offered to drive both his daughter and Angela home. His breath smelt of Gatorade.

As soon as the Coach had departed with the two girls, Maggie told Blair that she wanted a heart-to-heart, mother-daughter chat at the kitchen table. Once seated, she took Blair’s hands in hers and said, as softly as she could, “Blair, you didn’t swallow the Big Pill, did you? Did you even find it?”

She could see that Blair was weighing her options. After due deliberation, Blair countered, “I told you I swallowed the pill, didn’t I? Do you think I was lying?”

Maggie might have bought the lie if her daughter had been able to look Maggie in the eye or Blair had used more forthright language. Blair, Maggie noticed, had answered with interrogatives. Possibly to avoid an outright falsehood? And so, Maggie asked, “Blair, I don’t want rhetorical questions from you. I insist on a straight answer. Did you swallow the Big Pill and is it somewhere in your digestive system?”

Blair shook his head: “You’re right. I never found the pill. Kirk must have it. Maybe he threw it down the toilet. Didn’t you hear a flush after he went upstairs? Do you want me go to my room for fibbing?”

“Not so fast, young lady. As for Kirk, If he flushed a Big Pill down the toilet, he’ll be paying for it out of his allowance,” Maggie said.

"The Big Pills are expensive, so costly that their price proves, Blair, how much your father and I love you. It’s going to cost a fortune to transform you into the girl of our dreams. But it will be well worth it because I know that the day of your final operation is going to be the happiest day of your life — and most definitely of mine. Why, then, did you tell us that you swallowed the pill? Was it because you, always the ham actor, were improvising? Did you think that the party would be a bust if you admitted that you couldn’t find the Big Pill? Is that why you pretended to find it — to allow everyone to party with you? Is that why you lied?"

“Yeah, I guess so,” said Blair, the shoes on his twitching legs clacking against the chair and table leg.

A wide smile lit up Maggie’s face:

"Always my thoughtful Blair! No mother could hope for a sweeter daughter! While we’ve got to stop losing Big Pills, I’ve got another one here for you to take, and a glass of milk to help you get it down. So that there won’t be any tomfoolery this time, I want you to start swallowing the moment I place the pill in the back of your mouth. After you drink some milk, I want you to open your mouth really wide to prove that you actually took the Big Pill. Once you’ve done that, I’ll let you stay up late to watch television with me. We’ll curl up under a blanket and watch one of those sentimental movies about girls and their horses that brings tears to the eyes of we females. Now open wide …"

Blair’s jaws slammed shut. “I can’t! I won’t! You can’t make me!” Tears welled up in his eyes.

“What are you saying, Blair? That you don’t want to be my daughter?”

“Not if it has to be for the rest of my life! Not if I can’t ever be a boy again! I promise, mom, to continue dressing like a girl — for months or even years if you want. However, I refuse to act'ly become a girl. If you make me take a Big Pill or have surgery, I’ll run away from home. Thanks to Cody, I know that I’m not a transsexual, never was, never will be, because I’m actually a gay boy — just like Kirk says I am, and daddy fears I am.”

“Blair, what about the Punani Academy? Were you ever interested in going to it?”

Blair explained:

"Sure, I ‘m still interested in going to it, ‘cause it’s an amazing place. It would be awesome if Cody could be my roommate at Punani. I’ve talked it over with Cody. He says he’s cool with my dressing like a girl 24-7 during our entire stay at Punani, but he’d insist on the school administration knowing that I’m really a boy so that the school nurse doesn’t try to give me ho’mones to grow me boobs ‘like other girls my age.’ As for the girls at Punani, Cody knows where to find me some stick-on falsies that look like the real thing. I’ll even be able to shower with them on! Of course, everyone will have to know that Cody’s a dude because there’s no way he’d ever pretend to be a girl or wear anything but guys’ clothes. Do you think you could get the school to admit us both, me in skirts, and Cody in Levis?"

Maggie, perplexed, said:

"Blair, I simply don’t understand you. You’ve got no problem with crossdressing for months or years at a time. You didn’t even make a peep when we sent two-thirds of your male clothes to Goodwill and put the remainder in deep storage. I know for a fact that you love dressing up in your feminine finery. Now you talk excitedly about Cody’s finding you some ‘fake boobs,” and I assume that a plastic vagina will be next. But why on earth wouldn’t you want the real thing? Any why would you risk someone’s publicly exposing you — doing his utmost to humiliate you — as a crossdressing male, when you’re one of the lucky few who has a mother and doctor able and willing to transform you into a girl before you even hit male puberty. I’m offering you a chance to stay beautiful for the rest of your life. It’s an offer that Dr. Faustus accepted, why won’t you?"

“Did that doctor have to change his sex in order to look beautiful for life?” Blair asked.

Maggie had to admit that Faust not only stayed male, but received a good-looking wife for selling his soul. Blair didn’t think the wife part of it much of an incentive for a gay boy. Besides, he and Cody were already hitched for life.

Maggie pounced:

"Blair, you’re not even eleven yet, and you’re talking about being with Cody for the rest of your life? At your age, neither of you can be sure that you’re even going to end up being gay after your male hormones start raging. And if Cody really is a homosexual, then he’ll probably end up cheating on you with two thousand other boys, like all gays do. Could you handle his showing up with a new boyfriend twice a week? If you really want to marry a boy and live with him for the rest of your life, Blair, then you definitely should take the Big Pill because it will turn you into a real woman, and thus able to marry a heterosexual guy. Heterosexual males love their wives till death do them part. That’s what they promise in their wedding vows. So if you and your husband are both heterosexuals, you a female and he a male, then you’re much likelier to stay together forever than two gay boys, like Cody and whoever."

It had been an effective speech, for Blair had heard plenty of schoolyard warnings about “pedal files”, gay guys (presumably on bicycles) who were so crazy for sex that they’d do it with any boy, no matter his age or looks. And Kirk had told him when he started “doing it” with both Alicia and Cody, that Blair was “behaving like a typical gay slut.”

Blair now didn’t know quite what to do — he certainly didn’t want to be gay if Cody was going to cheat on him with two thousand other boys. Yikes, that would mean that Cody would be sexing it up with every boy in the elementary schools of Bybee Lake. Maybe to make quota he’d have to fool around in Smith Lake too! But it Blair, by taking the Big Pill, grew boobs as big as melons (or worse, lost his pecker), then Cody would be sure to leave him for a “real boy”, no matter how many times Cody asked Blair when they “sexted” with their mobile phones to pose in panties and a bra.

Blair was torn — to swallow or not to swallow, which was out of the question? As he pondered his options, he picked up the Big Pill speculatively, turning it over and over in his palm. He even tasted it for a couple of seconds with the tip of his tongue (almost giving Maggie an orgasmic rush), then decisively returned it to the table. “No,” he said. “You’re wrong. Cody loves me. No matter what other gays do, he’ll be different. He’ll never let me down.”

“Blair, if Cody truly loves you, he’ll accept your being a transsexual. He’ll love your body, no matter how feminine it becomes, because he loves the real you, deep inside. He says he loves the inner you, right, and not your blue eyes and blonde hair?”

Blair nodded. Maggie continued: “Well, the inner you is female. You know it; your entire family knows it. You think the reason that no one’s figured out that you’re a boy when you’re ‘acting as a girl’ is because you’re a good actor. That’s not it, not at all. To play a girl doesn’t require any acting from you at all because you are just playing yourself, your inner self. You’re no more acting when you dress up as a girl than John Wayne was acting when he played a tough cowboy; or Johnny Depp, a pasty-faced freak; or Madonna, a wanton slut.”

“I am a good actor, I truly am,” replied Blair, now pouting.

Maggie wasn’t going to let him change the topic:

"Of course, you’re a good actor. As a girl and transsexual, it takes talent for you to play a male role like Count Albrecht or even to be a half-convincing Ganymede when you’re obviously more comfortable being Rosalind. Most of all, sweetie, it takes enormous talent for you, a female since birth in all but body, to play the role of Blair, the sissy gay boy, so convincingly until you grew out of that role five months ago. Here take the two pills [which Blair reluctantly did]. It’s about time that you gave Cody a chance to prove how much he loves you. By taking those pills in your hand right now, without further fuss, you’ll prove that you have faith in Cody, to prove that you’re worthy of his love."

With one hand, Maggie placed Blair’s left hand around the glass of chocolate milk, and with the other Maggie guided (some might say “forced”) Blair’s right hand up to ‘her’ mouth, tilted it so that both pills slid to the back ‘her’ throat, the pink pill disappearing from view, and then brought Blair’s hand up to ‘her mouth,’ tilted to glass, and washed the Big Pill down Blair’s throat. At long last, the pill had not proven too big for the ‘girl’ to swallow.

Maggie suggested they toast the moment with glasses of chocolate milk. First she toasted Blair’s wisdom in giving a Cody a chance to demonstrate his deep and abiding love. Next, Maggie toasted Cody for being able to love Blair for what she truly was, a transsexual who has just made Maggie the happiest mother in the world. Finally, Maggie toasted Blair for having the courage to embrace her destiny as a real woman, who one day would, with the help of modern medicine, give birth to Maggie’s granddaughter, who would be another living doll like Blair.

Though Blair looked like she’d just taken arsenic, he nevertheless drank to each of his mother’s toasts. At Maggie’s urging, Blair added another of his own: “May I grow up to be as beautiful as my mom!”

Maggie took Blair into her arms to reward her daughter with dozens of loving kisses, after every three or four of which, Maggie took time to inhale and repeatedly to say, albeit in different words each time, that she loved Blair so much more deeply now that Blair had finally made an irreversible decision to become physically, as well as emotionally, a real daughter to Maggie.

It was almost immediately after Maggie used the word “irreversible” that Maggie noticed that Blair’s feminization was going into reverse. For whatever reason it was evident that Blair was having difficulty keeping the Big Pill down. Three or four desperate gulps revealed that Blair was actually at risk of vomiting his meal of milk and pills all over the kitchen table. It was, therefore, with a mixture of relief and despair that Maggie watched Blair lurch to the kitchen sink, where the kid promptly and repeatedly undid Maggie’s entire evening. Blair even had to admit that the Big Pill looked intact as it swirled down the drain.

“Sorry for hurling. I must have the flu,” Blair gasped, “cause I can’t seem to keep anything down”

Maggie wasn’t buying it: “You don’t look like you have the flu or any sort of virus. You can’t keep the Big Pill down because you refuse to complete your transformation into my daughter. You’re being stubborn and mulish. It’s hard to believe that you love me at all.”

“I do love you, mommy.”

“If you love me, then you’ll take the Big Pill and keep it down. Sit down at the table.” The Maggie carefully quartered a Big Pill with a paring knife. “Here, there should be no question now of the pill’s being too large for you to get down and to keep down.” Once again, Blair had the Big Pill in hand, albeit in quarters. Maggie next said: “Here’s a glass of water, just in case the chocolate milk is too rich for your delicate condition. Take a good healthy swig for each piece of pill — that is, if you want to prove to me that I’ve not been wasting my time on you today.”

Maggie then took a piece of pill, placed it on Blair’s tongue, and then, without waiting for Blair to raise ‘her’ own glass, Maggie, using a second glass of her own, emptied enough water into Blair’s mouth not only to wash the quartered pill down to the pit of ‘her’ stomach but also to half drown the ‘girl’. However, the pill stayed down despite, or because of Blair’s successful efforts to cough up the excess fluid in ‘her’ windpipe.

“You … almost … drowned me,” Blair remarked.

“Don’t be such a baby. One down, three to go. Now where did you put the rest of the Big Pill?”

Actually, they lay on the kitchen floor, close to where they landed after Blair, first in shock, and then in panic, threw up his hands in an attempt to block the watery assault on his windpipe. “They’re on the floor,” Blair announced. “I guess I’m fated to have only one-quarter of a Big Pill today. Oh well, what’s the rush to swallow the whole thing? Now mommy, now can … may I go up to my room?”

Maggie meanwhile had retrieved the pieces of Big Pill from the floor, and after giving them a quick dusting with a paper napkin, advised Blair that they were now clean enough for consumption. “Here,” she said, “a glass of water will drown any germs that might remain.”

Blair finally rebelled. As ready as he was to obey his mom, he blurted out: “First you tried to drown me. Now you’re ready to poison me — all so I’ll take that damn pill. Well, I won’t. It’s time you understood that you’re not the boss of me. Maybe I’ll take a Big Pill tomorrow, but I probably won’t. Stop playing God with my body and soul!”

Maggie was crying:

"How can you speak to me like that, Blair? All I’ve ever wanted is for you to be happy. I’ve never tried to make you do anything that deep down you didn’t already want to do. I was right, wasn’t I, about your wanting to live as a girl. At first, you weren’t sure it was the right thing for you, but now you’re ready to spend years at an all-girls’ school, just as long as Cody is your roommate. Sweetie, I’ll try to make that happen for you. But I can’t help you if I don’t trust me. I can’t even continue as your mother or as Laird’s wife if you no longer trust me. Here’s another Big Pill. If you take it now, this instant, with or without water, whichever you think best for you, then I’ll know that you still love and trust me. But if you won’t or can’t take the Big Pill, then it will be obvious to me that I’ve lost your love and respect, and so must leave this family. I mean it, Blair. Either you take the Big Pill or I am packing my bags to leave you and your family. You will have to take full responsibility for destroying this loving family."

Maggie then placed an entire Big Pill once again on her ‘daughter’s’ tongue: “No more talk, Blair. Either swallow it or spit it onto the floor. Depending on your next move, we can either hug each other like a mother and daughter and I can bake you a batch of Tollhouse cookies, or … I can start packing to leave. If I have to pack, I’ll probably be gone before you wake up tomorrow. It’s your choice: Do you want a mommy or not?”

Blair spat the Big Pill onto the kitchen table. “Cody is right. I’m not a girl in a boy’s body. I’m a gay boy through and through. There’s no way I’ll be happy in my future life as a gay boy if I have a girl’s body. Mom, I’ll do anything else you ask. I just can’t take the Big Pill — ever … never. You understand, don’t you?”

“Yes, I understand that I’ll never have a real daughter if I continue to live with the Finlaysons.”

With that said, Maggie marched over to Laird, still dozing on the sofa, poked him half-awake, and announced, “Laird, it’s not working out. I’ve made my choice and it’s to leave you and your family. I’m not ready to give up on my dream to have a daughter, but I no longer believe I can achieve it here.”