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All You Need (Is
So, as I type this, I'm sitting across from Ms. Edeyn, laughing my ass off at a conversation between she and Erin.
I cannot begin to express how much I just needed to not just get my butt somewhere away from my home situation (Before I left there. Was. Drama.), but also somewhere I could feel at ease and comfortable, to just unwind.
The first day was, due to afforementioned drama sending my anxiety levels through the ROOF, but between Edeyn and Rasufelle (Melanie E.), I'm finally starting to feel better. Two days of being introduced to everyone as 'Zoe', and referred to constantly as 'she' and 'her' has been such an absolutely incredible, indescribable feeling.
I love my family, but they have some strange ideas about what it means to be TS. I think the root of it (judging by my mother's last email) is that they seem to think that TS (and for that matter, homosexuality) are a choice. Meanwhile, I've spent my entire adult life searching for some answer pointing me in the opposite direction, that I'm NOT really TS. I did NOT want to admit this, and being forced to face this very nearly drove "Zoe" offline for good, as I mentioned in Part One.
But being here, I feel as though I've taken the first steps on a very long road to recovery. I hope so anyway. Edeyn and Melanie are wonderful people (Melanie and I actually have a lot in common), and I'm SO glad I decided to take this trip.
I want to give this piece of advice to anyone who's in my position right now. Step back. Suicide, or even purging, are not options. If it's just cross-dressing? YOU'LL KNOW! Believe me, I've been there. The fact that I only packed my 'boy mode' clothes for this trip, with like, three pair of my girly shoes, probably says a lot about that.
I don't know what's going to happen now. I may never speak to my family again if I do decide to transition, but the drama previous to this has proven that one way or another I need to find a good therapist, and go from there. Someone who's experienced in dealing with TS issues and not just "praying out the evil sin" - because y'know what? I'm not a bad person. I go out of my way to be nice to people even if I don't like them. If I REALLY don't like them, I avoid them.
ANYway, I'm signing off on this for now. I'm still chugging away on pre-writing and conceptualizing stuff for Robin. That little lady's taken on a life of her own, and Melanie's given me an absolutely wonderful idea for her for the Halloween scene (Thanks Melanie! :-D)
Best wishes,
~Zoe Taylor
Comments
Blood family can
be excellent but they can also be huge disappointments. I think we all have had our share of experiences with in in some fashion. I always take solace in the fact I know that for all of us there are people who will connect with us or us for them and in that way we can choose who are family is.
Just try to remember nobody has the right to make anybody miserable.
Life's just too short not to live it on your terms.
Bailey Summers
Halloween?
That's the Spirit! ^_^
Faraway
Big Closet Top Shelf
Where you can fool around like you want to and most you get is some bemused good ribbing!
Faraway
Big Closet Top Shelf
Where you can fool around like you want to and most you get is some bemused good ribbing!
Halloweeeeeen!
Yep! No spoilers this time though. It's something I'm going to build up to throughout the story and hopefully come out of left field enough to be a nice surprise for both the reader and Robin :-D
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I'm home!
Spending time with Edeyn, Melanie, and their awesome friends was SO much fun, but it's good to be home too.
Mostly I just needed some time to distance myself from the living situation and re-assess some things, mostly inwardly so. I came to some, for me, startling conclusions this past week with Ms. Edeyn's help.
I'm still coming to grips with the idea that spending nine days answering to 'Zoe' was probably the most enjoyable nine days I've had in years, but I can't discount the fact that part of it was just being in an environment where I'm not in a constant state of (admittedly self-induced) paranoia either.
The takeaway is, I'm stress-free, I've laughed and smiled SO much this week, strengthened bonds with two very special friends and made some great new acquaintances along the way, and made some progress with my mother on the whole TG front. We still need to talk, she and I, but I'm saving that for when I corner her for a ride to Fort Smith this weekend to take my guitar in to be restrung and tweaked out.
I've managed to get to a point where I don't feel like EVERYTHING she does is in a condescending way just because she has employed silly little guilt trips in the past.
Now, my DAD is still set in his ways, but seeing the look on his face when I walked in the front door reminded me that he's not the angry giant I remember him being when I was little. Four heart attacks and two strokes have a way of mellowing a person out. Will I tell him? Yes, eventually. But I want to sort it all out for myself first, and I think that this week has put me well on the right track to doing so.
I'm still waiting to hear back from the therapist. I'm going to give her a week before I try contacting her again (My e-mail program provided by my ISP chose EXACTLY the moment I hit 'send' to go batsh*t on me, so I've no idea if she even received my initial contact letter :-)), but it's not as 'urgent', you know?
I don't feel... depressed anymore. I feel so completely relaxed.
All in all, I think I've done some serious growing up this week. I still have serious anxiety issues I need to face, but those are actually related to my vision problems more than anything, and in a way I did sort of confront those this week as well. Hopefully this fall I'll be able to start working on finishing my degree now. :-D
Anyway, I just wanted to post a little update to let everyone know I'm home safely, but it didn't really warrant a full-on blog since I already had one on the same topic here. ;-)
Best wishes, and all my love to Edeyn, Melanie, and their kick-ass friends!
~Zoe
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