All You Need (Is One Good Friend)
"All you need is love", I've heard. Not quite, at least for me. I learned tonight the value of having one true friend: just one, who's there to remind you you're not alone, and to anchor you in reality.
I was feeling really down earlier tonight. I mean, bordering on killing off Zoe Taylor down. I had a guy admit he might be kind of attracted to me, and that bothered me, but it bothered me in a way that scared the holy HELL out of me.
I realized that it didn't bother me in the way a guy would feel having another guy attracted to him. It bothered me in a way that a girl who prefers girls having a guy interested in her would bother her, if that makes any sense.
It all came crashing down. Thirty years of indoctrination, fear, and guilt just... fell apart at once, and I realized... Despite that which is between my thighs, and despite having written such beloved fiction about a girl discovering this truth for herself, I realized tonight, that yes, I AM a girl.
And that scared me. That terrified me more than anything else in this world. I came so close to purging tonight, and just... disappearing for awhile, but for that about a couple of weeks ago, Edeyn told me that if I ever needed to talk, anytime day or night, to come to her.
I needed her tonight, and she was there. She listened and she made me smile, made me feel like I'm not crazy, that yes, logic does in fact apply to me (I'm normally a very logical person :-)), and just... made me feel human. This is what friends do.
Friends don't tell you that if they didn't know you, that they'd be terrified of you, or try to coerce you into being someone you're not. They accept you unconditionally.
So, this is my way of saying "Thanks", to Edeyn and to every real, true friend out there.
I'm not ready to transition yet. I don't know that I ever will be, but I am ready to stop denying who I am now, and that's a step I didn't think I'd ever take.
Lovingly,
~Zoe
Comments
The biggest journeys
start with the first step. How far you walk is up to you.
Angharad
Angharad
I try to be a friend to everyone around me
I'm glad I was there for you tonight, too!
I've been on the receiving end in more serious and less serious times of need, and it's just a good feeling to know you've helped someone or other out.
Edeyn Hannah Blackeney
I'm glad she was there...
It's the bad or hard times that tell us who our REAL friends are. (And, some may surprise us - both for the good and the bad.)
Purging is NOT uncommon... I did my share. My last purge I also worked to put on 30 pounds of weight to make it even harder if I 'relapsed'. I'm so glad you had someone you could talk to, and hopefully avoid the pain that purging can bring. (That pain is both physical and mental.) As much as those of us that purge like to believe that our purging is successful and hidden from those around us, I've come to the conclusion that, at least in my case, it wasn't necessarily the case. *sighs*
Not everyone needs to transition. Just recognizing who and what we are can be enough. Admitting it to ourselves can be hard, but my personal experience was that it was also relieving. I felt better being able to put a label on what I was feeling, and knowing that many never transitioned. I wouldn't be surprised to learn that some, who never try purging and accept that they're transgendered from the beginning might end up with less stress. But, I really don't know.
I'm glad you were able to learn who you are. Don't be surprised if you question your "enlightening" experience. You're human (or I assume you are anyway). Society doesn't seem to make life easy for those who are different. (Oh, you noticed?)
Don't worry that you like girls. :-) I know I do. I don't know how I'd react were some guy find me attractive enough to try something (No, I'd probably not recognize it for what it was, and just think it was simple friendship being offered - until oops...).
Best wishes and all I can say is be yourself - whatever that may be. It can be no visible difference from how you were yesterday or it may be very different and it may change over time.
Again, I'm glad she was there for you. Several ladies, here, offered to chat with me, when I was stressing about coming out to my wife. Luckily, I didn't have to burden them (I wasn't kicked out. Had I been....)
As you said, a friend that's there when you need them is someone to be cherished.
Annette
I think that sums it up perfectly :-D
That's pretty much it right there for me, that I'm finally not worrying about it anymore. I just found out today that people thought I was gay back in high school. Turns out they were right, just not in how anyone, especially myself, realized it ;-)
I feel like such a huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders today. I thought I'd felt it before, but today is like... It's like when I was seven and I learned that big scary monster under my bed was just a stuffed animal kind of relief.
I feel like I can move forward, finally, and get on with living, and let the rest fall as it will. I think I do want to transition eventually, but it feels like something to work toward, rather than to run from. It's a beautiful feeling finally being able to say the words I've feared for so long.
I've said it before, but I'll say it again. I freaking love this community.