Hi Zoe. All I can say to you, is that you are not alone. Every transitioner I have known over the last 9 years has gone through periods of self doubt, right up to having surgery, on the gurney on the way to take that last physical step of slicing and dicing! Me, I had to live as much like a sociological male for the vast majority of my life (well, so far :-)) as I could as I couldn't see any other way out.

I too had prayed for a magical change when young, and when it didn't happen and I saw the hypocritical behavior of so many of those who claimed god ruled their lives, I rejected religion and god. Testosterone made sure I could not ever pass. I just knew it. So I too navigated Cleo's famous river of denial, swinging between around the bends "taking a firm stand that I would live the cards I was dealt") and spending hours and days in depression and looking for a way out, even if it was to cut my life short (and yes, there was a 28 day, more or less, cycle to the swings.)

Finally, I spent 30 minutes looking in the barrel of a single action Colt knock off, called a Dakota .357 magnum revolver, watching the cylinder rotate as a new load came into place, and pulling the trigger, 6 times. As luck, karma, whatever, would have it, a friend had borrowed the pistol and fired "hot" loaded cartridges in it and bent the too soft metal of the firing pin. He didn't admit it to me, and it saved my life, as the bent firing pin struck all around the primer cap rather than on it. In the spirit of scientific inquiry (:-)), I later took the pistol to a shooting range to see if any of the rounds would have fired, and it finally did one time out of 30 on the 15th trigger pull, the primer cap barely being caught by the pin.

After pondering things awhile, I knew that I was ready still to end my life, so the thought came, "well if I was ready to end things, why not end them on my own terms?". I had been viewing transition as ending my life, so -- why not if I was so willing to blow my brains over the bedroom? The same doubts about passing continued, so I decided to transition, have surgery, for me, and to hell with what anyone else thought. So, at the tender age of 61, I found a therapist, then an endocrinologist, and the rest is history (or herstory?). Now I smile a lot for real rather than for conventions sake, and I am happier than I have ever been. Oh, I don't know if I truly pass, but people react positively to me and I don't really care. Yeah, I lost family, my relationships to friends changed, but became closer with those who remained. My colleagues remain my colleagues, and we still get together at the annual professional meetings. Some of the guys are a bit uncomfortable at first, but the ladies are great!!

Anyway, I do have an inkling what you are going through. One of my friends in the far off land of Cal-e-forn-ee-ay is much like you. Fighting tooth and nail not to transition, fearful of losing wife, kids and livelihood, but with a therapist trying to help. After two years, she has recently decided to accept a trial of estrogen. Before the E she displayed most of the classic symptoms of GID, which is mostly depression writ large (as you do as well, I think) but since she has been on estrogen she has been able to work again, is no longer sleepless at night, and her wife and kids now know and have not run screaming into the night.

I think sometimes that much of the conflict and doubts we go through comes from fear of the future, as well as the worrying we are not really what we actually believe we are. Coupled with that is the fear of social rejection and job loss. Then, my California friend who admits to feeling so much better now, says she would turn back the clock in a heartbeat if she could, and return to a male role (which she also admits she felt discomfort over her whole life through but still--), but would not want to live in conflict and painful depression as she did for so long. She is still hoping to find a comfort level short of actually taking on the full appearance of a woman full time, but the response of her body may take that kinda away from her.

Like I said Zoe, you are not alone. I don't mean to be demeaning in any sense, but you are actually rather average in your struggle right now, as many others have gone, are going and will go through the same doubts and fears, and most of them have or will surmount them to become much happier with their lives. Not perfect lives, since whatever problems that existed independent of the gender conflict remain, but one big relief and maybe with new strategies available for coping with those other problems post-transition.

And you can stop short of full transition, which you seem to be doing or trying to do right now, just finding a comfort zone. I know a number of people who live and work as their femme selves but remain without surgery by choice. Others are one person at work, and themselves at home and on their off time, sort doing a super crossdressing thing.

Take a deep breath, know you are not alone, and step back and look at the world. It is not so bad, and there is life ahead, and that's not all bad either.

CaroL

because the way you descibe your feelings is almost exactly how i feel too. In my case, I think part of the reason why i still doubt my essencial femininty is two-fold, first, because it may not be possible for me to fully transition, and so in some way i am trying to soften the blow of that, secondly, because the image in the mirror just doesnt jive with my heart, and that is so hard to bear its sometimes easier to believe my heart must be wrong, and the mirror right. In any case, i am thinking of you, and hope you can feel better soon.