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Well, I feel like a coward. I was going to go to my local pride center again tonight as dorothy, but after i got ready, i was overwhelmed by anxiety. I was trying my best to force myself out the door, when I saw a kid go by outside, and just couldnt make myself leave the house dressed. Sorry folks, I feel like i let you guys down, like i am going backward instead of forward. Sigh.
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You haven't let anyone down
Hell, lady, for one thing you don't have to answer to anyone here.
For another... you need to proceed at the only pace that matters -- yours. If you're not ready to go out as you... then don't. Anxiety is NOT a small issue, anxiety can ruin your life. So... if it gives you an anxiety attack, you do what you need to alleviate that anxiety. Don't force yourself to do what will make you even more anxious. In time... you'll be ready to do what you couldn't tonight.
We're here with you to support you, not here goad you into doing something you're not ready to do -- or worse to pass judgment on you.
We are your friends, even if we don't know each other that well (or at all, really)... so the only person who matters in your activities like this is you. Got that? :)
Oh, and you're not a coward by any means.
Don't Worry
It is extremely brave to just think about doing this. The hardest thing in the world is being your self. Take your time and it will work out fine. I went years before I had the courage to venture out.
Hilltopper
It, strange as it might sound,
takes BALLS to step outside the first few times, dressed. Curious isn't it? You gotta have what you don't want. Trust me, Dorothy, you are NOT the only one, the first one, or the last one, who will have, or has had, problems, anxiety-wise, stepping out dressed. It'll come, and you'll know when the time is right for you.
You owe us nothing, and you haven't disappointed anyone...not even yourself. As Edeyn said, you'll get there at YOUR pace and in YOUR time. We are your friends, and as friends, what we do is support, console, and encourage. So that's what I and others are doing. We care about you, and we want your experiences on the twisty, slippery path of TS to be certain, smooth and sure. We love ya, kiddo.
Big hugs and lotsa love,
Cathy
As a T-woman, I do have a Y chromosome... it's just in cursive, pink script.
Maybe she just needs some good psych drugs?
My first time out was about two weeks after I had been thrown out of my house because everyone thought I was gay. I was on some really good shit and it was prescription too, and I was NOT willing!
Well, it calmed me enough that I just put my panties, skirt, bra, blouse, garter belt and stockings, and all that shit on and walked out the door. OH, yeah, wig too! Yeah, pantihose are like totally fucked up um woman. U need a garter belt and stockings. That's all I ever wear. Who me, Kinky? My heels kept my butt swingin like a pendulum, and I just did my best to out smile the bastards!
People say that I have this Cheshire Cat smile that makes me look like I did a really big heist and got away with it!
Of course it helps to have had things blow up in your face, been shot at, and been beaten half to death. YUP, the rest is all good. NOT!
Sympathy
I sympathize completely. I'm terrified of being marked where I live. I have slipped out under cover of darkness late some evenings, but daylight? Not happening.
When I let myself get convinced to march in the Pride Parade last summer, I was completely stymied, until I figured out I could change in the "All Genders" bathroom at the NYC Gay Center. (Riding the subway after changing was bad enough, but marching in front of half a million spectators? Nervous anxiety, yes, exhiliration, nope. Still, it was for a good cause.)
My only advice is: figure out how much of your makeup you can put on and hide under sunglasses unnoticed, and get better putting the rest on on the fly. Then, find somewhere to change. Meanwhile, practice so you can put on the finishing touches in only a few minutes.