Champions for example.. nice idea but a little light on story. To me it needs more evocation of the feel, I'm familiar with it, some may not be. That stomping opening for example to set the mood, wouldn't need a lot of words to do it. Then intersperse the song either leading or following story bits. Don't rely on the whole thing, provide a link by all means but use pieces to feed the story don't make the song the primary focus.

Queen change the whole feel and mood as the song progresses, use that to pace the game. Stops, starts, highs and lows. Then the crescendo to finish which you do quite well, just the middle bit needs some work, that's always the tough bit I find.

Kristina