In the near future, the real world is dying.

Every geek’s fantasy is coming true. Superheroes, dragons, spaceships, giant robots, zombies, scantily clad French maids…they have all become real. It is miraculous that civilization has not plunged into total chaos.

What is causing this, and why?

Some nutcases think it is an alien invasion. Other nutcases think it is the beginning of the Apocalypse. Our three non-nutcase protagonists, however, just wanted to finish their college days in relative peace. Unfortunately, they found themselves...

BEMUSED

It wasn’t just the suddenness of the voice that startled Dirk; it was the strangeness of it. Dirk knew that the speaker had just said something in English, but he simply could not understand what he was saying. Had the explosion given him some kind of brain injury? As the haze in his mind began to clear, he realized that even his thoughts seemed…different. As though he was thinking in a different language.

He tried to tell the man that he was sorry that he couldn’t understand.

“Sumimasen ga, wakarimasen.” he said. Two things quickly became apparent to Dirk: One, he was speaking Japanese, and two, he sounded like a little girl. That was somewhat unusual.

“My apologies…the A.T.S. is off,” the stranger said as he fiddled with a device strung around Dirk’s neck. “That should do it.”

Dirk soon heard the man’s words repeated, this time in his new native language.
“A.T.S. o tsukemasen.”

When Dirk uttered a response, “Nani goto desu ka,” his speech was translated into English. “What’s going on?”

“You were the victim of the anomaly that occurred two days ago. Most of the people in the restaurant survived unharmed. However, you and your two friends underwent some major changes.”

“What do you mean by that?”

The man gazed at Dirk intently. “Do you really wish to understand what has happened?”

“Yup.”

He sighed sagely. “You are the reincarnation of the Crystal Guardian. You have been chosen by the Crystal Goddess to become the keeper of the Crystal of Eternity. In order to do that, however, you had to be transformed into a young Japanese girl.”

“How does that make sense?”

The man erupted into laughter. “You’re a sharp one, miss: a lot of people I give that Crystal Guardian speech to just let me keep bullshitin’ away. To tell you the truth, I have absolutely no idea what the hell is going on. I wasn’t kidding about you changing age, gender, and ethnicity, though. Toodle-oo!” With a slight grunt of effort, the stranger stood up and withdrew himself from the room. Just before Dirk could breathe a sigh of relief, he popped his head back into the doorway and said, “By the way, the name’s Chip Gilligan. You’ll be seeing a lot of me in the future.” As Chip vanished around the corner, Dirk received the distinct impression that he was wearing fake cat-ears.

“…changing age, gender, and ethnicity.” No. That simply couldn’t be. Summoning all his strength, Dirk threw aside the bedsheets and surveyed his body.

As Chip Gilligan walked down the hallway, he was not entirely surprised to hear a glass-shattering feminine shriek of terror. “Hoo boy,” he murmured to himself. “Try to be honest with a girl, and she goes super-hyper-intergalactic psycho.”

A nurse accosted him. “Chip!”

“Uh oh.”

“Were you talking with the patients again? I thought Childs told you to stop that!”

Chip sighed. “Yeah, yeah. He wants me to be all ‘nice’ to them and such.”

“No, he wanted you to stay the hell away from the recovery rooms, period. How did you get into this sector, anyway?”

“It’s not important. What is important is that you Dr. Phil wannabes are so busy trying to ‘ease’ the patients into their new jobs that you’re forgetting that they’re superhuman. They’re tough. They can take it.”

“Your ‘shock therapy’ is counterproductive, Chip. The patients need time to adjust to their new bodies and their new lives. How would you feel if you woke up like he did?” she said, gesturing wildly at Dirk’s room.

“I would feel great. Dirk and his friends have been given a blessing in disguise. That’s a hell of a lot better than no blessing at all.”

“That’s not for you to judge.”

“Of course it is. Childs has assigned me to accompany their team. I’m going to be their ‘animal mascot,’” Chip proclaimed, pointing to his fake cat-ears.

“You’re not an animal, Chip.”

“You know what? Fuck you.”

Dirk stared vacantly up at the recovery room’s ceiling. Many people in his situation would have attempted to explain this sudden turn of events as a dream or a hallucination; but Dirk was different. Dirk lacked the initiative to even bother asking why.

“So…Dirk Nelson. I’m pleased to make your acquaintance.”

This voice was new, and strangely electronic. He sat up and looked over at its source to find it was not a man speaking to him, but…a television set?

On the screen was a silhouette of a man, but not much else.

“Who are you? Where’s Mike and Steve?”

“You may call me Mr. Childs. I represent an organization that seeks global peace and prosperity.”

“Don’t they all.” Dirk murmured.

Childs chuckled softly. “I’m already beginning to like you, Mr. Nelson. Quick wits are needed for your position. And as for your question about your friends, you will see them very soon. As in five seconds.”

Suddenly Dirk’s bed began to sink through a hole in the floor. Startled as he was, Dirk couldn’t help but marvel over how awesome that was. It was like “Get Smart” come to life! Hospitals would be so much more badass if they had these things installed.

After a few seconds, the elevator-bed-thingy completed its descent into a room below. Looking around him, Dirk could see several other beds. In them sat two unfamiliar Japanese girls. The one on his left looked to be in her late teens, and the one on his right was even younger than Dirk’s new body.

There was a second TV in this room, also with the shadowy figure of Childs on the screen. “I deeply apologize for being so abrupt, but Mr. Gilligan has deprived you of an opportunity to adjust. Mr. Nelson, Steven is on your left, and Michael is on your right.”

The trio exchanged looks of bewilderment.

“As you know, many inexplicable things have been happening as of late. Tensions are high. The general populace is on the verge of mass hysteria. If something is not done soon, panic and lawlessness will consume all civilization. If you so chose, you may prevent that from happening. You have recently been gifted with extraordinary powers, the exact specifics of which I can only guess at.”

“What I do know is this–should you choose to cooperate with my organization, we can save humanity from the growing chaos. Your task will not be easy. You will find yourself fighting against ruthless opponents, some human, and some not. But I have full confidence that you will succeed, because you will not be alone. My organization does not abandon the faithful. So, Dirk Nelson, Michael Tanner, and Steven Yale–will you follow me?”

Steve was the first to speak up. “Thanks, but no thanks. That sounds cool and all, but I’d really like to go back to normal.”

“I’ll second that,” Mike squeaked.

“But we haven’t seen our powers yet…” Dirk mumbled.

Childs paused. “I understand how you feel. I know how confused you are, and I would tell you so much more if I were allowed to. If you so desire, you may refuse my offer. However, only my organization has the resources to restore you to your former selves, and we will only help you if you can help us. Your choice.”

Steve’s lip curled. “So you’re going to exploit our misfortune and make us your prisoners?”

“In a way, aren’t we all prisoners of our responsibilities? But mark my words: your period of service will be brief and rewarded generously.”

The three looked at each other again. After a small eternity of whispered bickering, a collective sigh and a collective reply: “Fine. We’ll do it.”

“You better hold up your end of the deal,” Steve threatened. Before his transformation, he had a superb talent for giving people scornful looks. Now he just looked sulky. Adorable and sulky.

Though he couldn’t see his face, Dirk knew that Childs was grinning. “Very good.” Then he added, with a slight degree of reluctance, “Mr. Gilligan…you may enter. Childs out.” The TV went dark.

A man emerged from a hidden door. Much to Dirk’s revulsion, it was indeed Chip Gilligan. “Alright, people…we don’t have much time, so get up right now.” Chip said flatly.

As they stumbled out of their beds, Dirk looked around and noticed that he and his friends were all wearing dark green jumpsuits. Not exactly high fashion, but it was a hell of a lot better than hospital gowns.

“The first step,” Chip explained, “is to figure out what your abilities are. You now belong to a rare class of humans we call ‘Upholders’; people who have been given extraordinary powers. We first started encountering your kind when the strange phenomena began six months ago.”

“Wait–are you saying that we’re superheroes? I thought you said you had no idea what was going on.” Dirk said.

“Yeah, well, I lied. Anyway, do any of you like anime?”

“Are you seriously trying to change the subject from your knowledge about a global crisis to Japanese cartoon shows? You’re starting to sound like him.” Steve spat, casting a venomous glance at Dirk.

“All the Upholders seem to have powers based on what interests they had when they were normal humans.” Chip paused for a moment, rubbing his chin thoughtfully. “This is just a hunch, but I think you guys might be some kind of magical-girl team. Try ‘powering up.’”

“Excuse me?” Steve asked incredulously.