I have been reading the Reluctant Girl stories and was thinking about how I use to feel when a story used my childhood name. Especially when the character was so not me.
Tonight, I realized that I was not upset by it. I mean that was a boy's name and I am so not a boy. There are so many of those little things that surprise me now like that.
Last week, I was heading to the dentist and was thinking I want to look good. Then I realized that it was a bad idea to wear a skirt, and that using foundation and lipstick would be a total waste. I ended up just doing my eyes, and that turned out to be a bad idea. The pain of getting the root canal was more than I could bear, so I ended up crying and smudged it all quite nastily. And I kept thinking that I should just pull out the makeup removal tissues before I left the room to avoid looking worse.
And this morning, I was thinking that I needed to do lifting and cleaning so I should not wear my favorite bangles. I still opted for a few rings that would not catch on things. My brother had been staying in my apartment the last few months, and as I was cleaning the bathroom, I kept thinking, "boys are just so gross."
All these little things just show how far that I have come from who I use to be. And I think about Chrissy in the stories not wanting to go back to being a boy. I understand not wanting to become a boy again, though I think that he would have to have gender dysphoria to feel that way. There seems to be a big difference in pretending to be a girl and actually being one. Now that I have tasted what it is like being a girl, I know what I was missing and I could never happily go back.
Comments
congrats, hon
reaching a point where you realize that its not about make-up or skirts, its just who you are, and you'd never be happy any other way, its a great place to be.
Huggles!
Thanks
I still remember when I realized that "Cassie" was no longer someone I referred to in 3rd person. I never thought I would get my boy-self out of my head, but now I find myself thinking back and marveling at not even recognizing who that person was.
For a while, I was re-telling my stories to leave out the "male-only" parts. After a bit, I realized that those were just as much of me as I am now. Today, I am dealing with the cognitive dissonance that happens when I talk about boy things like being an Eagle Scout, and stop and wonder, "When did they let girls do that."
I do have to admit though, I do like the make-up and skirts. Still, there are times that I grunge out in my old boy clothes and that is good to. We girls can wear whatever we want. We can wear make-up or go without. And the power of a sweet smile is so much stronger than I ever was.
Love & Light,
Cassie Ellen
Cassie Ellen - It took
me years to become comfortable running out to the store without makeup. I decided that if 95% of the other women in the store hadn't bothered, why should I? I do insist that I dye my eyebrows as the completely white colour does not match my reddish hair wig. What hair I do have is dyed the same colour as it shows below it. Now that winter is full effect, I have even gone out in public without my wig with my head covered by a warm tight touque. At -25℃ with a stiff wind, warmth before beauty is the watch word here.
I believe that we never finish transition - it is a continuous process without end. We just cannot catch up to our fellow ladies.
Ruth
May the sun always shine on your parade
I came bout it like so many here.
I was not doing anything to change my appearance the first year after I accepted I was a trans-woman. But from the moment of acceptance, just that internal change caused people to start gendering me as female. The rest came after my wife asked me to leave. Though, nowadays, I find it difficult to get out without a little make-up because of how I feel with it on.
I still mostly see a male face in the mirror. It may be one of the last things to flip over. But I am told that I look just like my mother. My family keeps telling me that seeing me is like seeing a ghost. So I guess I will get there someday.
I do agree that we may never finish transition. I think it comes in stages. I really did not understand until I started living full time as female, and now over a year later, I am still learning and growing. It is a grand adventure, and I am so happy to have ensure for when I miss dinner.
Love & Light,
Cassie Ellen