My brother came by last night.

We had invited him over so we could get him out of the cold. His power had gone out and he cannot afford to turn it back on again. We had planned to get him come over so that he could log into his power company account so we could pay the bill to get it turned back on. It felt safer than taking the information over the phone and doing it that way.

Our original plans for the evening were to have girls night of having my ex come over and show me and my fiance how to dye our hair. Yes, the process is fairly simple, but it has always seemed to be more magic to me. This time, we carefully watched the process as well as participating in it. Next time, it will still be scary, but at least not so terrifying.

So we made a little dinner party out of it. We had bought a family size lasagna, and had french bread and a salad. There was going to be enough food for my brother and it should not have been too much trouble since everyone knew each other. And that is where it all went wrong.

It seems my brother had brought over two large beers and was sitting off to the side where I had setup my laptop for him to take care of his power bill. He seemed to be doing fine, so by the time I realized it, he had gone through both beers, as well as having fixed a few drinks with the alcohol stored in the fridge. So he was quite drunk.

The rest of the evening, he kept making really crude comments. That was never okay around me as a boy, but it is much worse now that I am a girl. And being drunk, he had gone from being an obnoxious, embarrassing brother to a rude, drunk man. When I came back into the living room wearing a nighty (and short shorts), after rinsing my hair, he commented on how nice my legs looked. That really made me uncomfortable. And the comments got worse after that.

His comments and gestures ended up chasing away both my fiance and ex. With them gone, he came to sit way too close to me and commented on me having such beautiful blue eyes. It may have been nice if he had been sober, but with him being drunk, I was creeped out. I finally had to just send him away so I could get my fiance off to bed.

I am sad, angry, and betrayed. Allowing him to join in our girls night was a privilege. Instead of blending in, he made all of us girls uncomfortable. And it also should have been a celebration. My fiance had come home announcing that she was able to schedule the date for our upcoming marriage. So at the end of the night, I ended up crying instead of being joyous. And all this time, he had been telling me how he did not have a drinking problem, only to prove it by getting drunk when no one else was even drinking alcohol. I am still horribly upset about it a day later.

I'm very frustrated and angry with him because he keeps putting me into a position of either having to bail him out, or letting things get worse. Last night, it was a choice of leaving him in the cold at his apartment and later making him drive home drunk at the end of the evening instead of staying over.

He talks about how I do not understand how hard his life is. He tells me that he has lost everything, and he just does not have the energy to fight anymore. He is constantly apologizing for doing stupid things, but does nothing to change his behaviour.

Only he is the one who does not get it. The hell I had to go through to get to this point did tear me down to almost nothing. But instead of giving in, I fought and it made me stronger. And yes, I am happier now, but transitioning is not easy. I am working to learn all those things that most women just grow up doing. And the loss of male privilege! Oh he made that clear when he kept making lurid remarks and violating my space.

I want to help him dig himself out of the pit he is in now. Only I can't help while he keeps digging it deeper. At this point, I have to step back. I mean what else is there to do if a person insists on learning by failing?