I did not mean to leave my wife.

I actually thought that some how my healing my gender identity problems would bring our lives closer. Only I seemed to have missed a very basic point; gender roles naturally imply gender. It just did not occur to me that when I accepted myself as a trans-woman and began my transition, that being female meant that I was no longer male. I mean I just saw myself as a person in a slot, or more precisely, I was still her spouse no matter what gender I was. There is so much more to it than that though.

What is really sad is how many months it has taken me to understand the issue. For me, it was not visible looking from the inside out. It was only after trying to explain pronoun usage to my brother that it finally dawned on me. Though my birth roles as older brother or father never changes, my current life gender roles were turned all topsy turvey. You do not use she for a male gender role like a brother. Conversely, if I do not become a sister in my brother's understanding, I am still a he.

That epiphany suddenly flipped the light on such that I understood all of those uncomfortable moments when someone would treat both me and my wife as women. It made sense that being asked, “What can I get you ladies?” at a restaurant upset my wife, and why she would reply, “He is my husband!” And those events began before I started hormone replacement therapy (HRT). I guess being gendered properly blinded me to how she was feeling. For me, I found joy in finally being seen properly, but for her, they were the beginning of a nightmare.

Now that I have been on HRT for 5 months, there are so many conversations that I tried to have about what it means to physically and emotionally become a woman. I learned way too fast that I had to avoid talking about my physical changes because she would just get quiet and stop talking. On the other hand, she seemed pleased with my emotional changes. She even told me how much she liked how stable and positive I had become and that she never wants me to go back. Those comments made me feel that given enough time, we would be able to stay together.

I found there was also another side those talks. As I expressed myself with feminine emotions, I have left her feeling that I am acting more like her daughter than her husband. How strange was that?

So my wife found herself with out a husband and it was my fault. Even worse, she suddenly found herself married to a woman and she never signed up to be a lesbian. What a shock for that to happen to her after 10 years of marriage. So she told me that I needed to go if we were to remain friends.

I love her and do not want to cause her any pain. I wish she could choose to continue on this journey with me, however, I have to respect that she has chosen not to. So I left my wife.