So a few things have happened over the last few days that I have found.....unbelievable in my mind. And being unable to physically voice them just puts the nail in the coffin, so to speak.

So it started a few days ago while I was working. My mind likes to wander while I work. Explore memories. Emotions. anything really. Well on this particular day, my mind was wandering memories and noticed that there was a particular gap in memory when I was 11. between 10 and 12 was just....fuzzy. I could make out some images. but nothing to really connect them. So I continued working and my mind started poking and proding at the memories, removing the fuzz. bit by bit. when Finally, it hits me like a train and nearly knocks me over.

When I was 11 my days were spent contemplating ways to end my pain. the stress. and just....disappear. I had wanted to kill my self. particularly I attempted it 3 different times.
The first time was drinking half a bottle of floor cleaner. but my body adapted and just made me sleep for a few days. nothing else notable happened.
The second time I sat in a freezer that was shut, and the seal broke. just giving me hypothermia in places instead.
The Final time was when I tried to drown myself in the nearby river. Someone pulled me out when I lost consciousness.

That just hit me like a ton of bricks to the point I had to sit down and rest for a while.

Then yesterday I was working again, pulling a 1 ton bale of cardboard behind me up the hills around work trying to get to the loading dock with it. the hill shifted and the bale started pushing me. I pushed away and stumbled down into a corner of the loading dock because after pulling it up hill I wasn't strong enough to do much else. Suddenly the palletjack it was on took a sharp turn after hitting something and the bale started rolling at me.finally it pinned me in the corner and all I could do was yell for help. as loud and as hard as I could. After an hour of that, I found I tore my throat pretty bad and My voice is non-existent right now. even one day later I still can't speak.

anyways. needed to get that off my chest. take care

Kitten