No alarms please, no one is doing anything stupid here.

It is 4:00 AM here, and I am finally after 10 years, drug free ! Cathy,Holly, Erin, and Bev along with a few others who have had great patience with me. Thank You. A great thank you. I worried that I would have weird reactions and have to go to the funny farm, but it has been just fine.

I had to get up and walk around to relieve leg cramping, and am now sat down to listen to "Spem In Alium" by Thomas Tallis, made popular by a best selling trilogy. A piece like this should be listened to with the volume of the woofer set at nail popping levels but with people sleeping over my head, I shan't to that. :) 50 Shades, has been such a healing experience this time around. I now see so much with such clarity, and yes, he was an ass hole but he was healed, um mostly. In my past life, I was a volatile, tense, paranoid ass of monumental proportions, and I am healed.

I know I get nasty and overly pointed with some of you at times, and I mean to be that way, but I hope that some day you will realize that I was just trying to ease your ultimate pain. Even still, I get PM's and Emails from stary eyed new women who think that Dad can become Mom, or a son can become a daughter and everyone will just accept them with open arms. It wasn't like that for me, and it will not be for you either, I think. Perhaps the one thing that might help you is complete honesty right from the beginning. Two of my children have voiced the idea that it was not my becoming a woman but the secrecy that hurt them. Though they do not speak to me now and never will, I think.

Know that while you may be able to look back to when you were a toddler and remember that things were not right then, I have come to the conclusion that I think the deal breaker in later life is unreasonable stress in many forms. On one hand we feel driven to "man up", and on the other hand, it wears at us so much and for such a long time that our inner male gets broken or simply dies. There comes a time when we can no longer bear the hurts and continual battering that jobs or families hand to us and expect us to like and without complaint. I have talked to dozens of new women with the same experience.

For me it was 14 long years of continual battering, by a step father that may have been a latent homosexual, and then having a demanding and draining wife, and finally the terror of handling live electrical when I should have been handling live plants. I can still remember the day when with a deep, forlorn sigh, I said, out loud to myself,"That's it, I can not do this any more, I am done". In two years, I went from a yuppy home in comfortable suburbia to living in a bed bug ridden apartment.

I just met another high powered executive that suddenly broke and believes that she can just come out and things will be fine. Well, dear, it won't. It will be hard as hell, but if you have the will and new friends, you will come through it. I'll probably be cranky as hell with you, even blunt and mean at times. I'll try to be the same as a friend of mine that was the same way.

It feels as if there has been a great healing and my mind is clear for the first time in such a long time. Finally, I feel clear to leave here, and move on, perhaps to southern Utah.

Cathy. Pinky finger promise, no guns, no drama, I am fine.

No, I still do not have my damnable skype fixed. Hopefully soon.

Much peace

Khadijah Gwen Ellen bint Boucher