Thoughts and Dreams and Hopes
"Crying is all right in its own way while it lasts. But you have to stop sooner or later,
and then you still have to decide what to do." - C.S. Lewis
a blog by Andrea DiMaggio
Sweet Little Girl...
Sometimes? Even when things go horribly wrong they can be right as rain...
Over the weekend I had a sweet but sad memory as I recalled the very first time...yes I know I've said that before, but....the very first time I wore a dress. My sister Joann must have convinced me how nice it would be to have a tea party. I can't even 'see' the dress, but it's sort of light colored. And I remember laughing. We lived in our house near the place with the swimming pool, so I had to be about four or five.
I recalled this while getting a therapeutic massage, and I wept unashamedly and as loudly as I ever have, leading my wife and my sister-in-law believing the worst. "Just a memory about Joann," I said.
Yesterday, as I mentioned earlier in a comment, I had a memory about my grandmother pulling me back into the apartment building where I was hurt by my uncle. I was terrified and probably about ten or so. Joann wasn't staying there that summer, so it was just me, and no one would believe me.
But the best part of all this is that I handled both memories with the same calm and resolve; Joann has been gone for over eight years, and the hurt happened decades ago. I know I'm here and now, and each subsequent memory becomes more integrated and safe.
So while I was scared then, I'm no longer frightened, even though I remain saddened over what was done to us. But the supreme blessing is that I know so much more about me and the little girl that lived back then with her near-twin. I'd like to think that Joann knows my name, and I do know with all my heart that she'd accept her sister...this sweet little girl... with open arms.
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Andrea DiMaggio
uu To see all of Andrea's blogs - http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/blog/andrea-lena-dimaggio To see Andrea's stories - http://bigclosetr.us/topshelf/drea-dimaggio |
Comments
I am so proud of you
You grow stronger every day and become more whole. one day, i hope you will also be able to share Andrea with your immediate family and let them see the Strong wonderful person we all have come to know and love. I am proud to call you Mommy.
Your loving Daughter,
Diana
I'm proud of you too sis
Super big hugs.
The first time...
The first time out. I was at college, and it was the start of a period of being, well, me, and there was a drag competition compered by the comedian Tim Brooke-Taylor...and the temptation was too much, and I borrowed a dress, and some boots, and I got a girlfriend to do my face in as nice a way as she could. I made my way to the hall for the gig, and didn't come anywhere, but that wasn't the point. I left there, my skirt swinging around my tightys and my heels helping that swing...and I carried on to one of the other bars, where there was a disco, and it was three hours later that I ended up back at my room. For two years after that, I was living half and half, and I got remarkably little grief. The reaction to my departure, down the road from the first venue, had been 'nice arse', and what I felt as I walked was completion, validation.
Then, I had to go home, to a soldier brother and an ex-soldier father, who then became ill, and Steph had to go to the back of the queue for a fucking long time. Things happened, many of them not nice, but I am here, I am me, and that is all that counts.
Oh, thanks!
Here I sit, crying as my wife and kids try to figure out what's wrong. "Just a story," I tell them. It's not the first time, so they accept that. They don't understand, but they accept that I'm just an old soft-hearted person, and maybe they're right.
Your story grabbed my heart. It made me cry and miss your sister-your sister.
If I feel that pain, how much worse can it be for you?
My love and prayers to you, my sister of the heart.
Wren
Thank you 'Drea,
For several years now,'Drea and I have mourned the loss of our darling sisters,
'Drea's beloved Joann and my dear sister Laurie and now Roo is trying to come to terms
with the loss of her beautiful Rita,and you are so right,Wren,it hurts and hurts bad.
These were not three girls playing' dress up' with their brothers,these were three genetic
girls accepting us as their sisters and loving us as such.But as Steph says,it does not matter
now because I am me,I am Alison and I know that my darling Laurie is happy.And 'Drea,you are
the most wonderful woman that I know,you write with such feeling.
ALISON