I'm sitting here, with tears in my eyes, and shaking so hard its hard to type. Wave upon wave of self-hate is hitting me, and I'm not sure I can swim. I am battered on all sides with self-doubt, one moment fearing that I could be a woman someday, and then a worse moment when I wonder if my sister-in-law is right that I am just .... rejecting my male identity.
I have to take my ex and my daughter to church, knowing full well that both that church and my ex would reject me utterly if I went as Dorothy, and yet wishing with all my heart that I could. I am thinking of my sweet little girl, who never asked for such a broken parent, and agonizing over which choice would cause her less pain - staying as I am, or making a transition. I'm so tired, and yet every time I close my eyes the darkness in my head gets free rein to play out the worst-case scenarios over and over to the point I fear sleep. And yet, I'm not alone. God is with me, and I WILL NOT GIVE UP.
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Comments
Dorothy
Dorothy, honey. I feel for you. I have been and sometimes still are where you are. It is like I am afraid to transition for losing the people I have in my life. I am starting to realize though that if you lose them, they weren't real friend in the first place. I want you to know that if you need someone to talk with please feel free to message me.
Exactly! = )
The people who mind don't matter, and the people who matter don't mind.
Unfortunately. . .
. . .for most of us it isn't as simple as this. Parents or spouses our children are not friends. They are family and they matter even when they reject us. A truly caring relationship is about compromise. Some line should never be crossed, true, but that doesn't mean that no lines should ever be crossed.
You weigh what is most important against what is least important. Any while it is nice to think that you can get over rejection, it still hurts. The pain of someone you love telling you that they hate what you are, and just want you to be true to yourself, not this persona you are putting on. . .
If only we had editorial control over our own lives. Would make them a lot easier.
I feel for you Dorothy. Most people around us have no clue what we are going through, because they lack the ability to simply recognize a bit of us in them. We all have trials. We all have secrets. Some people just think that their pet secrets are more acceptable than the secrets that others agonize over.
You can get through this, regardless of what anyone else thinks. You are strong. If you don't believe this yet keep reading it every day and then repeat it to yourself a couple of times. The minds capability for self deception is immense. Just think how much greater it's ability for self confirmation is :)
He entered the hall to get warm. She left it two hundred years later.
Faeriemage
He entered the hall to get warm. She left it two hundred years later.
Faeriemage
choices
The choice to transition is up to you, and from the little you gave us it sounds like your ex is not happy about your life style choice.
keep hope god love us all.
Jo Ann
Jo Ann D
Male identity
I remember telling my boss, who was a friend. His comment was "But you are such a man's man..."
"Good actor then, wasn't I?"
Never, never hate yourself for being what you are.
Sometimes you must hate yourself for doing what you've done but never for being what you are.
Hold on in there Dot.
Hugs.
OXOXOX
Bev.
Growing old disgracefully.