My apologies, but here come the jokes, inspired by a thread on Donna's story.
* * *
A girl walks into a bar with a dirty duck on her head. No one says anything to her while she takes a seat. She sips her drink quietly and shares a few peanuts with the duck who is frankly, quite filthy.
One of the men watches her for a long while, thinking that except for the duck, she's clean and well-groomed, more than just cute and she has a nice figure. Finally he walks up and tries to start a conversation.
The duck has crusts of pollution on its feathers and dribbles of slime on its beak but he ignores that and asks, "Would you like to go to a movie tonight?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," says the girl. "I'd love to but, you know, I really need to wash my duck."
* * *
A girl walks into a bar with a duck on her head. She's pretty and is wearing a very nice dress with a short skirt and a plunging neckline and her makeup is perfect. The duck is eating a fish.
One of the guys in the bar watches her and decides that the way she's dressed, except for the duck and the fish, she's obviously on the prowl so he walks up to her and says, "What say we take in a movie and head back to my place?"
The girl starts to speak but the waterfowl interrupts. "Not tonight," says the duck, "I've got a haddock."
* * *
A girl walks into a bar with an angry duck on her head. The duck mutters and curses constantly, pecking at people and stealing peanuts and sips of beer when it can.
The bartender sighs as he approaches, wary of the obnoxious waterfowl, "Bad day?" he asks.
"Oh, you know," says the girl, dodging backward to keep the duck from grabbing the barman's nose. "It's okay, but I just washed my duck and I can't do a thing with it."
* * *
Hugs to all on New Years Eve,
Erin
Comments
That's Absurd
What kind of bar serves duck?
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
Angela Rasch (Jill M I)
To Serve Duck
Most bars serve cold duck. It's an inexpensive variation of champagne.
Janet
The evil blond proof reader
Janet
Mistress of the Guild of Evil [Strawberry] Blonde Proofreaders
To be or not to be... ask Schrodinger's cat.
Cheep Cheep
A guy walks into a bar with a beautiful blonde on his arm and a bottle of cold duck embedded in his forehead. He keeps making horrible faces, with whimpers and moans and occasional stifled screams.
The bartender comes over but the man's reactions are very upsetting. "What happened?" he asks.
"I hit him with that bottle," says the blonde.
"Oh, wow," says the bartender. "That's got to hurt."
"I don't think so," says the blonde. "He told me himself it was sham pain."
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
That's absurd
I know, it's fowl.
Duck!
Have a Happy New Year,
Hugs from Christine.
*******
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?
"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.
"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!†she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!
The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20 but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150.
A Common Mallardy
A veterinarian walks into a bar with a duck on his head. "Two of the usual, Sid," the duck says to the bartender.
The counterman serves them and they drink up. The vet immediately looks uncomfortable and dashes for the bathroom with the duck flapping behind him. They come back a little later, looking a little pale, or at least the vet does. It's hard to tell with the duck through the feathers.
"You were right," says the vet. "It was just green beer, not salmonella."
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
Three pieces of string go into this bar
So these three pieces of string go into this bar and sit down. The first piece of string gos up to the bar and order three beers.
The bartender looks at him and says, "You're a piece of string, right?"
He admits it and the bartender tells him, "We don't serve string in here, you and your friends hafta leave."
So he goes back to his buddies and tells them what the bartender said.
The second piece of string says he'll try and goes up to the bar, "Bartender, give me three beers right now!"
The bartender turns and and replies "I told your buddy, we don't serve string in here, now get out!"
He goes back and tells his friends, and the third piece of string says he'll try. He ties himself in a granny knot and unbraids his ends a little ways then goes up to the bar. "Sir, I'd like three beers, please"
The bartender looks at him and says, "Say, aren't you a piece of string?"
He looks at the bartender and replies, "Nope, fraid not."
Ba-Rump. . .Ting!
Now, if anybody doesn't get that punchline, say it out loud.
Happy New Year!
Karen J.
Change is inevitable, except from vending machines
“When a clown moves into a palace, he doesn’t become a king. The palace becomes a circus.” - Turkish Proverb
Ducks to be you
A duck walks into a bar with a piece of string in his beak. He hops up onto the bar and quacks to the bartender. "Get me glass of draft, then tie my beak closed with this string."
The bartender blinks. "But if I tie your beak closed, you won't be able to drink your beer."
The duck gave him a surly eye. "You're still pulling that same watery draft, right? I ain't drinking that stuff!"
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
More Shaggy Ducks
A labrador retriever walks into a bar with a duck on his head. Everyone looks on in astonishment as the dog clambers up onto a barstool. The duck resettles himself as the barman strolls over and in a clear voice the waterfowl says, "A bowl of beer for Newton here and a dish of peanuts for me, please."
The barman nods and serves the pair calmly. The duck pays him with a five dollar bill that must have been hidden in the dog's bandanna. The dog laps the beer up quickly and the duck gobbles all the peanuts then the pair leave just as calmly as they came in.
The bar patrons have watched in amazement the whole proceeding. As the bartender scoops up the duck's change one of the customers asks him, "Was I seeing things? Did a dog with a duck on his head come in here and order a beer?"
The barman shook his head. "You ain't seeing things but you should get your ears checked. The duck ordered for them both. Dogs can't talk."
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
Back on topic
A TV with a duck on her head walks into a bar in Houston. She takes a seat and when the barman comes over, she points to the duck.
"Just a white wine cooler," says the duck in a squeaky falsetto.
"Okay, but why are you talking like that?" asks the bartender.
"I'm not," says the duck in his normal baritone. "She's the Queen of Texas Ventriloquists."
-- Donna Lamb, Flack
-- Donna Lamb, ex-Flack
Some of my books and stories are sold through DopplerPress to help support BigCloset. -- Donna
No ducks
A young woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre.
So the barman gave her one....
alas, too many years watching Carry On Films
Happy New Year
Anne G.