Okay... this is probably be a bit on the intense side so fair warning that this may be the post you want to skip.
I feel like a failure. I feel like I have dropped the ball somewhere an what the result is is this bleak place where I sit here and feel like my life is false and broken. It is mostly the little things that have driven this home, like the fact that I am getting sir'd more. Or the fact that my voice is deeper and it doesn't sit right. Or the fact that I can't recognize myself when I look in a mirror. Or the fact that my clothes feel more like a costume than anything else. I feel fake, like the depressed, spiritually bereft boy that had started the journey to who I am today. I feel like all this is for naught.
I have not seen my family in years. The last time I saw my family I had been on hormones for maybe 6 months. I wore a tight sports bra to flatten my breasts just so I wouldn't cause an issue. That was 7 years ago. I have seen my mother a few more times. She is trying but I am totally cut off from the rest of my family and some sort of dark secret that they wish would go away.
I feel alone, which is ironic because I have a loving wife and daughter and some of the best friends in the world. When I am around them I often feel detached from everything, like I am slightly off time or out of focus with everything else. I don't like feeling this way and I hate that this feeling is consuming me. I feel like a failure, like I have not lived up to my own expectations. I feel like my life has been lived but not by me, specially as of late.
My wife thinks part of this is the normal body issues all women seem to have compounded by the trans issue. I have no idea if it is true or not but it certainly sounds plausible. Maybe I'm just having the bit of depression I seem to have every 28 days or so. That is probably helping make it worse the last day or so but this has been building for a while. I feel lost with no idea what to do.
I am getting frustrated with the search for an Agent and I am having the urge to scream. I love writing and I am clearly the Muse's Bitch but I can't eat those words, I can't pay the rent with the stories I post here. And even with that I feel like I have not done enough of something because I don't seem to get the kudos or comments that I sort of expect. But I have ranted about that before so let's drop it.
It is difficult to want to go on with this feeling crushing me down. I lose myself in the routine of the net and chores and watching seasons at a time of TV shows from Netflixs. I so totally want to give up and go comatose or something, just to get away from it all. I feel terrible and totally want to call the game. The thing that is keeping me going is a story, which is a great joke to me. This story that I am getting bits and glimpses of that wants me to bring it forth. So yeah, I'm a failure who is living for this pic story bursting through my brain. That is funny, at least to me.
I wonder if J.K. Rowling felt like this...
Comments
Depression
It's possible to get medication for such depression that seems systemic. Myself, I took anti-depressants for the year or so after Jeanne died. It doesn't have to be a lifetime thing. The anti-depressants helped me rediscover my lifelong love of drawing and also made it possible for me to keep BC running when all I wanted to do without them was sleep.
Everyone will do what they must do, but seeing a professional is a possibility. In my area there are free therapeutic resources for those who can't afford to pay.
Take care of yourself, you are one of the treasures here at BC.
Hugs,
Erin
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
= Give everyone the benefit of the doubt because certainty is a fragile thing that can be shattered by one overlooked fact.
I feel the very same way.
It seems like the last few years have been a waste of time, effort and money. I thought this was the right course for me...I was CERTAIN of it, but it's cost me SO much, and the one thing that meant more to me than anything, evaporated into the ether like so much smoke. I tried to hang onto something too hard... and it slipped right out of my fingers... gone forever.
Everyone tells me; "It'll get better." I guess my main question is, "WHEN?!"
I wish I could offer some sage advice, but all I have right now is a shoulder to share with you, if I can share yours.
hugs,
Cathy
As a T-woman, I do have a Y chromosome... it's just in cursive, pink script.
Write & the Rest Will Follow
Are you familiar with this site? http://pred-ed.com/pubagent.htm Portia
Portia
I've felt the same
I also love to write. However like you said posting on the web does NOT help pay the bills. Depression sucks and I've been fighting that it seems like forever. I can only say keep writing and don't stop swinging. We all know the more you write the better you get. I suppose it is a race to improve enough to sell at least a few pieces to bring something, anything, in the way of cash.
Jim Blutcher of Harry Dresden Fame wrote a heck of a lot of books before he managed to strong arm himself to the attention of an agent. It is one heck of a trick to manage and one I wish I knew. A few publishers are going to electronic submission. Baen Books is one and if anyone else knows of another please let me know.
I've found I'm better at writing than I am at promoting myself, Damn!
Big Gentle Hugs!
Grover
This may seem a bit angry
No, you are not a failure! You are a sensitive, talented person. You've got to be patient, and I know you've been told this before. I also know it's a huge pain to wait for things to drop into place, but it WILL happen, you have to convince yourself of this.
Henry Ford said something about this (I don't remember the exact words, but the spirit of them guides my life), something like "If you feel that nothing good will happen, you are probably right!"
Believe in yourself, and in others. Things WILL work out. You've still got to do the legwork, things don't magically appear, but you have a great talent (I have seen it, and I fully believe in you!). Don't ever give up!
All my love!
Wren
I am with Wren, hon
You are most definiately not a failure. Please remember you are loved, both here and by your family. Seek help, and keep slogging. hugs.
"Treat everyone you meet as though they had a sign on them that said "Fragile, under construction"
dorothycolleen
Yes, she did.
Did J K Rowling feel like this? I think the answer is probably yes. I remember reading something in the papers when Harry Potter was first a hit about how she was clinically depressed and surviving on state benefits while writing the first book. I think she even wrote aspects of her frustration into the early books if memory serves.
As for the female body issues, I can only offer the medium of a virtual hug. My experience talking to other women has been that most of the things I bitch about physically are shared by them. I just seem to have more complaints than most of my female friends. I find it oddly validating in some ways.
I hope that you feel more positive about things soon.
"Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it."
Lack of acceptance and acknowledgement
is a common problem among T-folk. The one solace I have is that I pass extremely well so that has kept an anchor on my transition and life. However, we all struggle with acceptance and acknowledgment of what we hope to show the world, a person worthy of respect and love. For even those of us who pass really well, having to out yourself to potential partners and mates of course is a well-known problem so none of us can ever escape unscathed. At times like these I take stock and hang on to what matters and try to grow upon the good things. One cannot solve all issues at once all the time.
I do not know you well enough to judge but most passing issues have solutions, especially that of voice. It is very uncomfortable to change ones voice. I was very self-conscious and focused when I interacted with people for almost the first 10 years after my transition. The reason for that is that I raised my base pitch by 6 or 7 notes and to do that meant constant strain on my vocal apparatus, almost like having mental dental braces but for the voice. Also, I worked hard on intonation and timbre and again that takes a lot of mental focus, at least for me. It finally dawned on me one day that these changes have become the default for me and the mental focus dropped and I talk to people without self-consciousness anymore. Shoot I even talk in my sleep at the right pitch and timbre for the last 10 years.
It is a never ending struggle to improve though as it takes work to expand one's singing range to increase endurance, projection, diction etc but clearly things can work.
You have people who will listen and clearly care for you here and clearly you are depressed. When I am depressed myself, I fall back on what core competencies I have and ride it out and lick my wounds and ride it out and hopefully be able to emerge with new insights. You have a wife and family, a distinct minority around transfolks. Keep working on the difficulties and come here to talk as you need to. Your friends here will be waiting. You are hardly a failure.
BTW, Erin is spot on, depression needs to be dealt with but be careful with certain anti-depressants as getting on them can cause dizziness and can be debilitating and getting off of them can be just as bad. Venlafaxine is one of those drugs.
Kim
Hang in there
I love your stores here and at Whateley.
Stay strong. Depression is tough. You said yours gets stronger every 28 days or so. This may be a medication problem or likely you are picking up monthly vibs from the GGs around you.
I got tired of the depression clinic doctors and counselors, got off all medication and just express myself as I see fit. I quit talking to most of my family and lost my main job some 20 years ago when I transitioned. My surgery fell through when an overweight patient a week or two before me suffered a fat embolism. I talk to a few friends left over from my fall back job I planned for at the time, one girl friend and my older brother.
I can't imagine the pressure to provide for your family. My girl friend and I decided to remain just best friends. She is still my greatest fan, critic and has power of attorney for medical decisions.
There are places out there to help with rent, utilities and food. Until I managed to get on disability after a car wreak I had to ask for help. It's tough going to a food bank. Dried beans, rice, potatoes, spaghetti, cheese and day old bread taste good when you have nothing else.
I'm out and about daily in small east Texas town. Kids at fast food places usually address me by ma’am, Miss, or Miss Linda. I think I present as just another overweight old lady.
I rang in the new year in the hospital with a mild stroke. I hadn't been taking care of myself, eating too much, too much coffee, smoking and high blood pressure, and woke up with a face freeze as well as being uncoordinated. This short reply took me a while to type.
Keep writing, do what you have to do to keep body and family together, sheltered and feed.
I hate to be the one
the one who shows the tough love, but I'm afraid we all have those issues and have to face them - it's called life. Some of us are better at managing than others, but the bottom line is we have to deal with it. Seeking professional help is perhaps a good start but also look to see what you can change in your own life to improve things, exercise more, do voice exercises. Trying to write for a living is one of the hardest ways to make money, and seems to be based on luck as much as talent.
I wish you luck, but I suspect outcomes will depend more upon your decisions and actions.
Angharad
Angharad
Mind over matter.
I find it best not to worry about the material things in life.
If I do but one kind gesture per day to enrich the life of a fellow human being then I feel my existence is not in vain.
Have hope, J.K. Rowling was a broke single parent living on welfare benefits.
She used to sit in an Edinburgh cafe to save on her heating bills and whatsmore she would write her notes on paper napkins all because she could not afford to buy notepads.
War against depression
I am sorry that you feel so low and I would like to offer a couple tips.
I have been told a couple times that T folk can have menses like symtoms. Mostly, I get mild, once a month tension that makes me feel compelled to get a good seeing to. I do get depressed once in a while after that. I too lost my imediate family, having not seen my wife and children for 6 years, but two of my siblings are quite understanding, saying they had always seen it in me.
In the intense therapy I had, they taught me things to do with myself that now work quite well in self bootstraping. A hot bath, Ice Cream, taking a walk, biking, or some outdoor activity really seem to help me a lot. I often think about why I was depressed, after I come out of it, and looking back am bemused that I was in the first place, as the feeling seems completely gone.
If your wife and child accept you, I am not sure what you are upset over. That is far more than many of us have. As far as being published is concerned, I'm not, except for BCTS and Storysite. Oh and that site that has everyone so upset, what is it, Askjolene? Yes, well I did find out that some of my stories are there too, and it seems really undignified to allow that, but I am unsure that I have the energy to fight them.
Someone I know complains of their voice been deep, but they smoke. Hmmmm. I sometimes fight deep voice, but when I use the tools I was taught, can usually persuade it back into an acceptable range. I'd not really depend on another T person to help you with your voice but rather a few sessions with a speech pathologist were quite productive for me.
The mirror thing is tough for all of us. Sometimes I see this haggard old guy, but then I encourage myself to "really open my eyes", stop furrowing, and put on my "I just stole the Queen's Panties" smile, and things seem to brighten.
Much peace
Khadijah
Winter blues
One thing you might consider is that this is the time of year when there's least daylight, at least for those of us who are north of the Equator. That can have a huge effect on one's sense of well-being.
Need I say it? Don't sit vegging out on the sofa if you can possibly avoid it. Try and get out and about in your local neighborhood - or somewhere safe if yours isn't. Just a walk in the park or somewhere nearby where there's trees can make a whole lot of difference to how you feel and costs you very little.
Even a walk downtown window-shopping can have therapeutic effects - providing you don't spend too much! Possibly not a good idea if all you have is an enclosed mall, though. Sunlight is definitely what you need this time of year.
Penny