Time brings perspective. My writing process has remained consistent over the years. Once I have a decent manuscript, I set it aside to give me the perspective of a reader when I do a final edit.

In early May, things on BC seemingly became toxic for me. I had lost my rudder and needed a change in perspective. So – I took a time out.

Nothing about BC had changed to elicit the feelings I was experiencing. The fault rested with me.

My body has been suffering through adverse side effects from a drug I take for a heart condition. With the blessing of my cardiologist, I’ve quit taking the drug and the pain is subsiding. I also recently suffered a financial loss. The loss was large but not at all crippling.

Neither is a legitimate excuse to engage in public arguments.

I’d simply allowed myself to be goaded into acting inappropriately.

I’ve been lurking for quite some time now and noted the temperature of the site has gone down in my absence. It pains me to think I was adding to the negativism. . .but clearly, I was.

In Matthew 5 we are told to turn the other cheek. The Bible tells us all sorts of things that are utter nonsense, but that verse happens to be excellent advice. In most instances, there’s little to be gained by fighting.

I should have learned this in the ninth grade.

It was the sixth of December. He came into the study hall after lunch and shoved my books to the floor with no provocation other than I had beaten him out for the starting fullback position on the football team. A distinction that meant nothing to 99.9999% of the world.

I had had enough of him. Although a year older, he was four to five inches smaller than me and probably fifteen pounds lighter. I had spent the summer tossing around bales of hay and was well-equipped to stand up for myself. I wasn’t a fighter, but. . ..

We ‘went outside.’ I didn’t see his friend sneak behind me and kneel on the ground. My nemesis pushed me over his friend. I fell on my head on a cement slab and was knocked out. While I was out, he jumped up and down on my left leg and broke both bones in my calf in two places. I spent four months in a cast and didn’t regain the ball on my foot until over a decade later. Although I managed to "letter" in four sports, I missed nearly two years of varsity play in football and basketball and didn’t reach the level of excellence I would have -- but for that injury.

I paid a huge price for not turning the other cheek.

He received no punishment.

I could list dozens of other times in my life when I’ve allowed people to rule my attitude. Almost invariably I would win the battle and later pay a horrific price. Almost invariably the other person would blithely sail on -- no worse for wear.

Very few people in the trans community are unscathed. Very few people are unscathed . . . period. But due to the amount of guilt and shame trans people have suffered we are especially vulnerable. I’ve had a great life. I’ve had terrific achievements but often look back and wonder how much my trans nature negatively impacted my life.

Could it be that several negative outcomes in my life were the result of my basic nature? Trans bigotry is potent. Like it or not, we trans people are easily read – even those of us who were football fullbacks.

BC has been that one place I could come to the last few decades -- and be me -- without fear. It has allowed great personal discovery and countless hours of enjoyment.

I will respect Mathew 5 in the future. It just makes sense. Researchers believe that people goad because they have an unconscious need for power linked to high testosterone levels. That seems unlikely here . . . but who am I to argue with experts? And . . . aren’t BC participants walking billboards for the impact of testosterone and estrogen on minds and bodies?

I will resist reacting to fools because experts also say those who goad receive perverse pleasure from angry responses.

But mainly, I’ll resist for the good of the community and because the participants in BC may have heavy baggage and deserve the benefit of the doubt.

I’m done lurking. In the very near future, I’ll post a new novella. Gabi has it for review. It has been quite enjoyable doing the research and getting to know a bevy of new characters. It has also been a psychic cleansing, which felt good.

Jill