I received a call from my sister at 11:15 last night. I could tell by the sound of her voice that she was upset. There are a number of family members who are aging and in ill-health, not the least of whom is our mother. I could tell right away that she was calling to tell me someone had passed away. What she told me stunned me beyond belief.
She was calling to tell me that my oldest nephew, her oldest son, age 22, was dead... by his own hand.
Death doesn't frighten me. I'm living on borrowed time as it is. By all rights, I should have been dead years ago from arthritis alone, let alone the car that hit me at 15 that woke me to the reality that all of us are on borrowed time every day of our lives... that we're lucky to be here at all.
I also have faith in the life beyond this one. I know it is there because I have felt the hand of the Creator at my lowest time... when I myself was moments from getting up off the floor from utter despair and heading to the kitchen to grab a knife and end my miserable existence once and for all. This was back when I was not only closeted, but hated what I was... hated that I couldn't be the girl I felt I was on the outside nor the boy everyone expected on the inside. As I went to get up, He touched my mind and I was overcome with the most unbelievably powerful sense of love and compassion I have ever, or could ever, know. He stayed my hand that day half a lifetime ago. I was 2 years older than my nephew.
So as a result, I don't feel sorrow or loss when the people I love die... because I know what awaits them... and that makes it OK. I didn't cry when my grandparents died nine months apart from one another. I didn't cry when most of my aunts and uncles died, even though we were close. I didn't even cry when my step-father died, even though he was my most ardent supporter when I came out.
This one hurt, though. More than anything I've ever felt.
My nephew was a strong young man. Not just physically, but strong of character, strong of faith, strong of will, and strong of mind and heart. We do not yet know what led him to this end, and my mind simply cannot grasp the concept. Of all the people I know in my entire (very) large extended family of hundreds, he would be the last person I would suspect of feeling so despondent that he would even consider that death was the only escape from the pain. He was successful in his career as an Army Logistics Officer, (the first commissioned officer in our family) he had a loving girlfriend at home, a host of family that cared for him unconditionally, and he was healthy and fit. (and I dare say attractive)
That he could do this, if it is in fact true that it was intentional, then anyone could.
Why am I telling you all this? He wasn't TG... but he was the first member of my family to call me by my right name. (I was 'Aunt Roberta' to him!) He was also born on the day I met my first co-wife, the day before my 26th birthday... so he was always a little special to me. I guess I just needed to share this pain in hopes that a pain shared is a pain halved... and maybe hope that knowing this, someone who might be considering it will reconsider. Maybe knowing how much this has devastated my entire extended family will help dissuade someone else from doing this.
There is nothing in this life so bad it's worth dying over. Just... give it a day... and tomorrow, give it one more... and then one more...
I only know that I wish I had just one more day with my nephew... my Nico.
Too Numb With Shock for Tears,
Roberta
Comments
Prayers
Roberta,
You and your family are in my prayers.
Hugs
Patricia
Happiness is being all dressed up and HAVING some place to go.
Semper in femineo gerunt
Ich bin eine Mann
I am so sorry for your loss
wish I could do more than send huggles, but you can take as many as you like
Huggles will do
Thanks. Every bit helps.
Now, after only 3 hours sleep I have to get up, get dressed, and drive to my mother's house and meet my sister there so I can be there when she tells her one of her grandchildren has gone to Him before she has. (my sister couldn't do it last night... she has to do it in person) I honestly don't know if I'll be any help, but my sister asked me to be there, so I can't say no. That's what family is for.
I cannot but imagine the living hell she's going through. No one should have to bury their own child... especially not like this.
I can only reiterate to everyone... don't do this. Whatever is troubling you, talk to someone and give it just one more day.
::huggles::
Roberta
On a related note, I don't know if I'll be able to put up the next chapter of Lost Faith tomorrow. Apologies to everyone interested. I just don't know if I'll even be near my computer. Hopefully the disruption will be minimal. -R
-offers more hugs-
So sorry to hear this and heartfelt condolences to you and your sister, as well as your whole family.
Don't do this
Roberta, you're absolutely right. Suicide is a permanent answer to a temporary problem. If a person is tempted they should call.
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 1-800-273-8255
Hugs
Patricia
Happiness is being all dressed up and HAVING some place to go.
Semper in femineo gerunt
Ich bin eine Mann
With Love
Words aren't enough. I've failed so many who needed more. I've failed those who I embraced and cried with as they needed more. You have felt His embrace. That is what I try and convey but I can only share what you and I have felt, experienced. It falls pathetically short because words can't describe it nor explain what we felt.
Father, bless and comfort this child and her family in their time of sorrow
Send thy angels to give them safety in their emotional storm
Send thy angels to keep their thoughts from wandering as they make the trip
Return all safely to their homes
In Jesus name I ask of these things
Amen
Oklahoma born and raised cowgirl
*hugs*
I've gone through a suicide attempt before and was stopped and I had an uncle who I was very close to who succeeded in his. I know how hard that hits the loved ones of the person who's done it and that there isn't really anything that I can say to make you feel better. That takes time and proper grieving. I will say that you have friends here that you can lean on in hard times like this if you need to. We're only a blog post or a private message away. My thoughts and condolences are with you and your family in this difficult time.
*big hugs*
Amethyst
Don't take me too seriously. I'm just kitten around. :3
Possible reasons
One reason I can think of is depressions. It's a severe sickness which can cause people the lack of energy to even ask for help or visit a doctor. Whether that was the case for your nephew I have, of course, no idea. I heard in the media of people who seemed full of life and suddenly commited suicide because of depressions.
So all I have left to write is, you have my condolences.
Other reason(s)
As someone who has dealt with suicidal ideation my whole life, I just wanted to mention my own experience. I don't in any way claim that it's like Roberta's nephew's situation.
My suicidal ideation could be said to be due to "depression," which I've had my whole life, but that depression is due to the emotional abuse and neglect I suffered during childhood. When things were at their worst (ages 10 and 11), I thought of suicide every day and thought out various plans for killing myself, which I think would have worked, but when I visualized exactly what it would be like to go through with it, I got scared off and would dissociate for a while. (I'm alive because of my ability to dissociate.) When I was 12, I got myself put into a different school, which reduced the level of abuse; I think if I'd stayed in the same school, I would have eventually gone through with it. And once I left home and my hometown to go to college, I escaped the abuse, but not the damage it did to me -- I live with it every day. (C-PTSD)
I've heard two arguments for sticking it out:
1. A permanent solution for a temporary problem. But sometimes the pain is so great and the end of it is so far off, even assuming that there really is an end, that you just can't go on. At some point, you just want the pain to stop. FWIW, even after I got out and life got better, I kept asking myself whether life was enough better to make it worth having stuck it out back then. It wasn't until about 5 years ago, when I transitioned, that I could answer "yes."
2. Think of your loved ones. I remember my mother saying something along these lines back when things were at their worst: "people who commit suicide are so selfish, because it's so hard on the people they leave behind." And I thought, "because nobody should care about how much pain someone has to be in to kill themselves." Nobody cared about what I was going through, so why should I care about what they go through? It did tell me that if I ever went through with trying to kill myself, I'd better succeed.
My situation has changed: I have children now, and when I was at a low point about 15-20 years ago and ready to give up on life, I realized that I can't kill myself or let myself die, because my children need me. I have always been the parent that supplies emotional support, and for me to die would be to abandon them.
My heart goes out to you,
I can relate, my youngest niece just died three weeks ago, and had been in seemingly good health. She was found kneeling by the side of her bed, as if praying. She had had drug problems up until a few years ago, and we have yet to hear back with the autopsy. In addition, we had my granddaughter's father commit suicide just this past week, and while he had been out of the children's lives for some time, it is difficult for my daughter and her children to deal with. If there is anything I can do, let me know, I'm always here to talk with.
Sending you special hugs.
Love and Hugs, Holly
Praying that you and your
Praying that you and your family will have strength through this time. So sorry to hear about it.
Hugs!
Rosemary
I'm OK
Just letting everyone know that I'm alright. I stayed at my mother's house last night so she wouldn't be alone at this time of grief and confusion. My sister asked me to, but I would have either way.
I want to thank you all for your heartfelt words and feelings. We know more about what happened now. I won't get into the details, except to say that it's suspected that he may have been drunk when he... well... obviously something was bothering him. He put a lot of pressure on himself to be the best at everything he did... baseball... football... school... college... his military service... he was always striving to be more. I only wish that he knew that 'Aunt Roberta' was there for him if he needed anyone.
I'm having a hard time forgiving myself for not making sure he knew that. You can be sure that his brother and sister will know it.
Again, thank you all so much for your condolences. It means more than you know.
Hugs and (finally shed) tears,
Roberta