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I hate to admit this but I think I truely am depressed at this point. I feel hopeless and have nobody to turn to. I haven't written anything in at least 3 weeks because I've lost all sense of myself(if that makes any sense). My fiancé has even took notice and has taken a step at helping me try to feel right again. EVEN MY FUCKING BOSS HAS TAKEN NOTICE! (Cries) I really don't know what to do right now. I'm scared and don't know where to turn to. I refuse to go inpatient at a hospital unless it's a last resort. (Sobbing)
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Admitting It Is A Good Thing
Sometimes depression happens when the command centre of the brain - what Michio Kaku calls the CEO - gets conflicting messages due to one part of the brain under- or over-performing. The CEO isn't an actual location, it's more of a metaphor for the process that creates our sense of self - which by your own admission you feel you're losing.
If it's affecting you this badly I would seek medical advice at the earliest opportunity. It may be that all you need is a course of drugs or nothing more unsettling than a change of diet. In the meantime be brave, lean on your fiance and keep your boss onside.
Good luck.
https://youtu.be/kND8TRZap8Y
See a doctor
For a variety of reasons, most human beings have this tendency to seek medical assistance at the drop of a hat when we have a physical illness or injury... but when our thinking or emotions aren't working right, it's the last thing we want to do. Find yourself a good doctor and get in to see her/him ASAP. Get blood work done. Let them do some tests.
Seek professional help
I echo the comments of the previous two in ensuring you see a GP ASAP. Drugs and/or counselling will help. please seek help from the professionals.
Depression -
Don't hate to admit it. It's the first step in getting better. Depression is a terrible disease! I know! My spouse of 35 years has suffered with chronic depression for 32 of those years. I have helped her through some extremely black periods. With the right medication she has lived a pretty good life. Her depression was caused by a lack of neuro-transmittors in her brain.
See a doctor! This can make you kill you!
You have to see a doctor because there are many different types of depression with many causes (some as simple as a sleep problem). You probably don't need to go to a hospital, but you do need to get a professional diagnosis without delay. Most forms of depression are treatable with the proper medication, but you need to keep going to the doctor while they get you stabilized, then periodically thereafter. MAKE SURE THEY DO A COMPLETE BLOOD ANALYSIS! I can't emphasis this enough. Read my own problems with it below.
Do not assume that the first drug or dosage will be the correct one for you, that's why you need to keep going. Then after you are stable, don't assume you will stay stable forever. That's why you have to keep going back periodically.
I could write a 5000 word epistle and not touch on half of what you may need to know. Go see your GP. He/She will decide if you need to see a shrink, but my guess is they will treat you first, then if you don't respond they may send you to a specialist.
Everyone has black periods, but if yours is as bad as you say and has lasted for three weeks then it's past time to talk to your doctor. Call him or her ASAP.
A couple of final points: 1) Just because you're depressed doesn't mean you're crazy.
2) Be cautious if they put you on an antidepressant. The wrong one or the wrong dose can make you manic (the opposite of depression and even more dangerous). Stay in touch with your doctor and report any unusual mood shifts or changes like going on a spending spree to him. My wife's meds got out of balance once and before I knew what was going on she had spent or given away approximately $6000 in cash and possessions. If you have someone who can monitor you, all the better.
3) There is no shame in being depressed! I've been badly depressed three times in my life. The first time was because my testosterone was 37 microgram per deciliter (That's almost none and I wasn't on T-blockers or estrogen.) The second time was because I had 7 micrograms/deciliter of vitamin D. ( 30 is considered deficient) The third time was caused by severe prolonged sleep apnea.
4) Almost everyone is depressed at some point in their lives, the important thing is what you do about it. Don't let it control you. That's when you end up as a statistic.
Good luck and get to a doctor.
Waterdog
*Hugs*
There are many other options than just an inpatient stay at a hospital. That's pretty much the system's last resort as well, and unless you're actively considering/planning to harm yourself or someone else, other options are almost always preferred.
If you have health insurance, your insurance company's web site should have resources to help you find a psychiatrist near you. If you don't have insurance, try Google or a phone book. You mentioned in your previous blog post that you had a therapist from childhood. Try asking them if they can refer you to a psychiatrist that will listen to you. If you don't feel up to finding another doctor, ask your fiancee for help. I know when my depression is bad, the last thing I want to do is deal with the phone, especially cold-calling someone I don't know.
Aside from medical options, you might also seek out a counselor, or just find someone you trust who you can talk to. Again, if your childhood therapist can't take you back on, maybe they can recommend someone who can. If you're a member of a church, synagogue, etc., they may have resources available, whether it's a priest/rabbi/whatever or a layperson. There are any number of crisis hotlines you can call.
And remember: there is zero shame in reaching out for help. None. You are not alone in this fight. You said your fiancee is helping, which is great. Please let them help you. Please let us help you too.
*hugs*
all I got is huggles
but if you need to vent, I'm here.
Thank you
Thank you guys. I've taken your advice and found a psychiatrist that I'm going to next week. My fiancé has offered to come with me and I think that's a good thing. I don't think ai could handle this alone. Hopefully soon I can get back to my normal self and start writing my stories for you guys(it's really been eating me up not being able to write being in this state)
Sounds like
It sounds to me like your fiance is a keeper. How awesome to have support like that.
I am not a doctor, but there
I am not a doctor, but there are quite a few medical conditions, such as fructose malabsorption, which can cause depression. And of course dysphoria can cause dissociation and feelings of unreality.
I believe that Gender Dysphoria is caused ...
It is mostly caused by forcing people who do not precisely fit the gender binary to try to do it. Many of us, including me would have done famously just being a slightly effeminate male. I don't comment on FtM folk because I am not one.