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I thought i was doing okay, but i've had a few moments this week, moments when i've been overwhelmed by sadness, and rememberance of my recent loss. I'm sure it will get better but it seems i'm reminded not just of Dad but my friend John who passed late last year and indeed my Mom who departed this mortal coyle some seven years ago. I'm reminded of assumptions that i'd made, expectations that will now never be fulfilled, i know that things can't be the same again but maybe the Gods could see their way to improving my lot, just an iddle bit?
Between the blue moments this week i have done stuff. Monday i took the bus out to the big Sainsbury's, something i've not done since the Spring, it's a bit of a faff to do much in the way of actual shopping there but i think i was trying to cling to some memories. My family have shopped with them since the 1950's, Mum worked for them before i was born then, as kids, Saturday morning meant a trip to Sainsbury's for the weekly shop, it continued to be a weekly fixture up until my Dad had to stop driving last year. I guess subconsciously i was trying to relive some of those memories, daft i know, but hey, who knows how the mind works.
Tuesday's weather was a bit iffy early on so rather than a bike i used trainers for my daily exercise, a walk along the river and back with a food stop part way around. It was a little thin on wildlife but a few blooms are still clinging on in the hope of some late summer sunshine. The walk was a distraction but of course it didn't actually resolve anything.
Today? Well the forecast was at least dry so i pushed Foxy out and headed east for an 85km loop taking in a lunch stop at Chippenham before a stiff return back across the Cotswolds. I couldn't tell you much about the ride, i was largely on autopilot, my head switched to snooze mode, Even before the year went to s@$t my riding wasn't on the usual level, i might just make 10,000km for the year but my heart just doesn't seem to be in it to do long days, my confidence in the bikes has taken a few knocks which hasn't helped and a month without any riding should have had me climbing the walls, a few days usually has that effect but this time, nada.
Most of Dad's estate has been sorted out now, financially that is, there are still belongings to dispose of, maybe when its done i'll be able to draw a line and get out of this pit i find myself wallowing in. Or will that be delayed until we spread the ashes in November?
However this week pans out, i should be back on Sunday with another Gaby chapter, but for now,
Tschussie,
Madeline Anafrid
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Comments
I wish I could tell you that it gets easier
For some it does. For me it doesn’t. Every other time I see something, remember something and the loss gets to me and I cry. So many times I catch myself thinking I’ll just phone dad and ask him…but he isn’t there anymore.
All I can say is that it is not everyday, nor it is to the point of crying. It doesn’t last long, maybe a minute or two but it’s there.
My training bike, heavy mountain bike/ grocery runner, is down for moment as rear gears are just plane worn out. Finding new ones that are good is proving an issue. I have some other six gears but not sevens. But…I am trying something with old gears to see if I can make them useable.
Right now too dang tired. reshingled roof Sunday and finished yesterday. Was HOT.
Take care and breathe, and at bad times listen to some good music, hug a heater and just relax.
Change of perspective
Like yourself, many of us have now no other generation in front. It's a double shock with the loss of our older family as well. For myself, it's bittersweet, looking back and appreciating the chances I had to spend time with Mum. Sometimes tears come.
See you later.
Oh yeah, was back on the pedals yesterday, on a route I hadn't used for quite a while. Not many miles but it was refreshing.
Teri Ann
"Reach for the sun."