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So today was a high stress day. First, we had to get up early so we could take my aunt shopping, and then Sharon called, and asked us to help her get her laundry done as her machine is broken,
We got through that, despite the heat, then Sharon wanted to go to a restaurant on the other side of town, so we made our way there, only for Sharon to cause an issue with our server. so we left without getting food. So back across town to get her and Sam some food, drop them off at home, and finally head home ourselves.
on top of all this, my problems with my leg drained me of spoons to the point I am exhausted and struggling emotionally,
Hugs appreciated
Comments
Boundary to prevent fawning
It seems to me that you have a problem with fawning, because I am struggling with a similar issue.
Fawning is one of the four “F” responses to “conflict”. They are: Fight, Flight, Fawn, Freeze. The first two are generally well known, and what most people consider to be common responses to anything startling or aggressive. But the last two are almost as common of a response, but much less talked about.
As a measure of self-care and self-preservation I suggest that you might want to, and maybe even should, establish very clear limits and boundaries to the “help” you are willing and able to provide to your former spouse. Make those absolutely clear ahead of time, and then stick to your guns and hold on to your spoons.
Looking in from the outside, I would say that asking for transportation to a laundromat is just shy of borderline. But then demanding to be taken to the other side of town to a restaurant is beyond reasonable. Especially since that was NOT part of the initial “plea” for help. Again, as an outside observer, that feels like abuse in the broadest sense to me.
Trying to keep firmly in my mind ...
... that
* most problems are more easily solved from the 'outside' ...
* and that =I= am on the outside ...
You have a deadline coming up, to wit, your move. Missing that deadline may mean that your current landlord either:
- puts whatever is left behind out on the street (and charges his/her labor against your security/cleaning deposit, or
- charges you another month's rent, again from your security deposit.
And bonus points that you are now a messy renter, which "the place after your current moving-to place" can easily learn...
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Most stores, especially since the most recent Meat Plague (covid) have
shopper and delivery services (sigh, yes, for a fee; and yes, I have used them when needed, and yes, they will have slight glitches in product selection)
So, your Aunt is now covered through your move.
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The time you =give= =Must Be= your =Choice=. The only things we have is ourselves, and Time.
At this moment, I am giving you my time and thought for this note. But. It's =My Choice=, that I am Choosing to type first, do laundry later.
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You Must tell Sharon and Sam that for 'this day' you can give them, say, 3 hours. When that time is up, the next thing on =your= agenda is taking them straight home.
If Sharon prefers a cross-town restaurant; if she prefers throwing a hissy fit instead of eating, well that is her choice in how to use defined, bounded time you are =giving= her. But. That used up the time you allotted her. Time to take her home. "Do not pass Go, Do not collect food."
Harsh? Hmmm... But. I bet the next trip you =give= her will be far less stressful.
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You can help Sharon with laundry, but Sharon can't help you with (packing for) your move because why?
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From Robert Heinlein, "The Notebooks of Lazarus Long", and also sprinkled throughout his "Time Enough For Love.". Heinlein films include "Starship Troopers."
"Do not confuse “duty” with what other people expect of you; they are utterly different. Duty is a debt you owe yourself to fulfill obligations you have assumed voluntarily. Paying that debt can entail anything from years of patient work to instant willingness to die. Difficult it may be, but the reward is self-respect. But there is no reward at all for doing what other people expect of you, and to do so is not merely difficult, but impossible. It is easier to deal with a footpad than it is with the leech who wants “just a few minutes of your time, please--this won’t take long.” Time is your total capital, and the minutes of your life are painfully few. If you allow yourself to fall into the vice of agreeing to such requests, they quickly snowball to the point where these parasites will use up 100 percent of your time--and squawk for more! So learn to say No--and to be rude about it when necessary. Otherwise you will not have time to carry out your duty, or to do your own work, and certainly no time for love and happiness. The termites will nibble away your life and leave none of it for you. (This rule does not mean that you must not do a favor for a friend, or even a stranger. But let the choice be yours. Don’t do it because it is “expected” of you.)"
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PS: "Duty" =includes= you caring for yourself.